


Turning the Blade

by Pebr



Series: Whispered [1]
Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2003), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Blood and Injury, Demonic Possession, Forced Self-harm, Gen, Horror, Hurt Leonardo (TMNT), Hurt/Comfort, Psychological Torture, Whump, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:34:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 118,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24112129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pebr/pseuds/Pebr
Summary: After vivid nightmares start to plague the brothers, they have to find out what's causing them. Leonardo, especially, seems affected despite his attempts to hide it.
Series: Whispered [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2053092
Comments: 171
Kudos: 254





	1. Hears you

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while, but I'm back on my bullshit, at least for now. xD I noticed I had received reviews for my older works and got inspired to get back to posting! (The magic of reviews!) 
> 
> I've been gone for a while, but I've also written a lot. The thing is... none of the stories are finished... so I'm thinking about editing my old stuff and posting them later to see if that'd get me inspired to actually finish them. I've just been really busy, and now that I'm not, I've just been tired. But I'm trying! (Also, the problem with an old account like this is that you have to look at your older work. Yikes. Hope I've improved.) 
> 
> Please be aware that the story begins with violence right away, and well, continues with violence. xD And as always, read the tags, yes, I'm a one-trick pony, always here to write Leo whump. Hope you enjoy anyway!

Driven by his panic, Donatello ran.

The ground under his feet was slippery, familiar. He was used to running here, in the dark tunnels of the sewers. The darkness surrounding him rarely bothered him, but now it was pressing in on him, making him work his legs to run faster. He couldn’t remember the last time he had run like this, gasping for breath as his heart hammered against his chest.

The distant screams echoed in the tunnel, footsteps following him, gaining on him. He didn’t know which was making him run faster; the tortured screams of his brothers or the need to get away from his pursuer. 

Closer, closer, his chaser was getting closer. Donatello could almost feel it behind him now, ready to strike him down, to do what it had already done to his brothers. Brothers who he was trying to reach while escaping, but their screams echoed all around him, it was difficult to pinpoint where they were coming from. Not knowing, running out of time- it all amounted to his growing panic.

The next turn was coming. Donatello knew he could lose his chaser if he was just fast enough, knew the oncoming maze of tunnels like the back of his hand- he forced himself to jump over the trash on the floor, almost crashing to the wall as he made the turn, but he made it. He made it, but never stopped running, ignoring the agony in his muscles as he pushed himself to run, run, run-

Sudden pain forced a scream out of him, and he stumbled. His knees hit the ground hard, he managed to catch himself with his hands, but pain shot up them as well. Ignoring it he tried to push himself up, but the searing pain radiating from his left thigh stopped him. He gasped for breath, felt something still lodged into the back of his leg. The sound of footsteps had stopped, the tunnel was quiet except for his heavy, ragged breathing. 

The pursuer wasn’t out of breath. It stood behind him, as if waiting for Don’s next move, and the turtle could feel himself start shaking. Don pushed through the pain, grabbed the cold and damp floor, and dragged himself forward. He had to escape- had to get back up, had to find his brothers, had to help them-

The thing lodged in his leg was grabbed and twisted, and Don screamed. Whatever he had been stabbed with was pulled further down through muscles and nerves, towards his knee, forcing a long, pained wail out of him. Donatello threw himself on his side in order to escape the pain, but it only made it worse. With tears in his eyes Don looked up at his torturer, only to see and feel the sharp weapon yank out of him, lifted and aimed for his other leg-

Donatello woke up with a gasp, his heart still beating wildly from the nightmare he had just escaped from. It hadn’t been as vivid and strong as the worst ones, but bad enough to leave his hands shaking as he tried to get his breathing under control, as he tried to assure himself that it hadn’t been real. He sat up quickly and felt along his leg, not finding any wounds. Nothing hurt. It hadn’t happened, he was alright. But his brothers, were they-?

His door slammed open, and the startled, already distressed turtle pressed himself against the wall out of pure instinct. He tried to reach for his weapon that was resting against the wall next to his bed, an act led by his instinct as well- but something was coming at him fast, crashing right into him, stumbling to find him properly in the dark, and then holding him tight.

“Donnie!” Michelangelo, who now had him in a crushing embrace, pressed his face against Donatello’s plastron, bringing his brother as close as he could. Don had to blink a few times to get rid of his surprise, allowing his body to relax, both from the nightmare and the sudden appearance of his brother.

“Mikey-?” Don questioned him softly, lifting a hand up to his shell, trying to move him slightly so that he wouldn’t be crushed in his hold. “What-”

“Raph and Leo aren’t in their rooms!” Mikey only hugged him tighter. “I- I saw this awful dream, and wanted to check on you guys, and, and you’re the only one I could find-”

“Calm down, Mikey,” Don pleaded, trying to sound soothing, but could feel his own heart-rate picking up again. He had seen a nightmare as well, had wanted to check on his brothers too- it wasn’t unusual for them to have nightmares, but for him and Mikey to have one at the exact same time? It wasn’t impossible, but it was quite a coincidence that their dreams had made both of them worry about their older brothers at the same time. Why would Leo and Raph be gone from their rooms in the middle of the night? And right after two of the brothers had a nightmare? 

Unless it was morning already, and Mikey had just forgotten to take that into consideration. It wasn’t unusual to be disoriented after waking from a bad dream, and Mikey could have just panicked. The thought gave Don some relief; it really was Mikey’s style to panic without thinking the situation through first. “They could’ve gotten up already, Mikey. Did you check the clock?”

Mikey drew back hesitantly, allowing Don to grab his alarm-clock. 4 AM. There was no reason for Leo and Raph to be missing from their beds at this time; even Leo didn’t get up this early. Don’s own panic threatened to come back, the nightmare ghosting in his mind again, pushing his rational thoughts away. It wouldn’t be the first time a dream tried to warn one of them about something. And for both of them to get the warning-

The blankets were thrown to the side as the genius jumped up from the bed, grabbing his shell cell from his nightstand before heading out of the room. Mikey followed him closely, and when Don suddenly stopped, the younger brother ran right into his shell.

“Ow, hey-”

Mikey didn’t get to finish his complaint, since Don was already moving towards the stairs. And once Mikey continued following him he realized why Don was heading downstairs. There was a faint light coming from the kitchen. The youngest just hadn’t seen it when he had rushed from bedroom to bedroom in search of his brothers.

Michelangelo caught up with Donatello quickly, and together they rushed into the kitchen. They stopped at the entrance of the room, looking bewildered as they stared at Leonardo and Raphael, who were simply sitting in front of the kitchen table, staring back at them. The surprised silence didn’t last long; Mikey was the one to break it, dashing towards the eldest brothers. They were sitting pretty close to each other, so it was easy for Mikey to wrap his hands around both of their necks, drawing them into a crushing threeway-hug.

“ _Dudes!_ Do _not_ scare me like that!” Mikey accused, but his voice was full of relief. Raph growled, not pleased with the sudden closeness, and pushed Mikey away.

“Mikey, indoor voice,” Leo tried to hush his brother once he, too, was freed from the embrace. “Master Splinter’s still asleep.”

“Sorry,” Mikey whispered now, then looked at the two cups on the table. “What are you guys doing? Drinking tea this late? Or, well… this early?”

Raph glanced to the side, and Don noticed his uncomfortable look. He also noticed just how close his brothers were sitting, how Raph was now pushing his chair back as to hide that fact. 

“We were both having trouble sleeping,” Leo explained, turning to grab his cup now that Mikey had mentioned it, lifting it up to take a sip. Raph gave the leader a quick glance, but said nothing. Instead he turned to frown at Mikey, and glanced behind him to see Don, who had finally wandered closer to his brothers instead of just staring from the entrance of the kitchen.

“What’s up with you two?” Raph asked, returning his gaze to Mikey. “Bursting in here like it’s the end of the world.”

The question made relief fade from Mikey’s face, and before Raph could protest the youngest had his arms wrapped around Raph’s neck once more. 

“I had a horrible nightmare, and I couldn’t find you and Leo!” Mikey acted dramatic, but he didn’t sound as distressed as he had when he had first entered Don’s room. He was mostly trying to get on Raph’s nerves now, almost sitting in Raph’s lap as he kept babbling about how scared he had been. He was most likely trying to distract himself from the nightmare by being annoying.

Don and Leo rolled their eyes at each other, but once Leo got a good look at the genius he tilted his head. The leader stood up, bringing his cup to the sink before coming closer to Don.

“What about you, Donnie? Mikey woke you up?” 

The question brought back flashes of the nightmare, and the soft tone of Leo’s voice made Don want to just spill out all the horrible things his subconsciousness had created. The dream hadn’t even been that bad, yet Don wouldn’t have minded wrapping his arms around his brother, much like Mikey had already done to all of them. But he did his best to appear calm, nodding at the question.

“Yeah. Mikey’s worry just made me worried too.”

Leo gave him a long look, but nodded as well, accepting the answer. Mikey’s yelp brought his attention back to the sibling behind them, and Leo gave Don one last look. “Go back to bed, Donnie. There’s still a few hours before practice. I’ll make sure Raph doesn’t tear Mikey’s head off.”

Don chuckled at that, but nodded. He felt exhausted, like he hadn’t slept at all tonight, and wasn’t really looking forward to falling asleep during practice. He was a bit hesitant to leave alone, giving his brothers a long look, but ended up heading back to his room. 

* * *

The next night it took him a moment longer to realize he was in his bed, not in the middle of that cold, dark place he seemed to find himself from lately. He had to reassure himself that he was clutching his blanket, not the broken form of a brother-

Yet he still had to reach for the lamp next to his bed, his hand shaking as he turned it on. He had to make sure the blanket in his hands wasn’t soaked with blood, had to turn it over to be absolutely sure.

“Ridiculous,” Don whispered to himself, dragging his shaking hand over his face. “It was just a dream. Again. Just a dream…”

Yet he couldn’t shake the odd, awful feeling still lingering. He realized he was too worried to lie back down, feeling a bit stupid at that. His brothers were fine, _he_ was the one who kept seeing these nightmares that always followed the same pattern. They all struggled with dreams where their family got hurt, but who dreamt about being chased _every night?_ He felt childish. He had faced things much worse than that during their missions.

But just like after every nightmare, the same thought remained. Were his brothers _really_ okay? Sighing, knowing he had to check before he could even hope to sleep again, he stood up and left his room. 

Raphael’s room was the closest, and the door to his room was opened quietly. Only after it was half open did Donatello hesitate. He wanted to, no, _needed_ to check on his brother, but hated the idea of waking his sibling up. Still-

Raph shifted in his bed, moving restlessly. There was a whimper, almost like Raph was in pain, and that’s when Don realized Raph was in his _bed,_ not in his hammock. Raph using his bed was rare, he usually only slept in it when he was injured, when getting into his hammock was too difficult or painful. The worry of bothering Raph was quickly forgotten, new worry adding to the pile of worries Don already had. His nightmare felt very real all of a sudden, and Don’s hands were shaking again by the time he stood next to Raph’s bed, when he reached for his brother, fearing to see all the blood-

Strong hands grabbed his wrists, yanking him to the side, and with a yelp Don was thrown down onto his shell. He fell on the bed, so his fall was soft, but Raph’s grip on him was rough.

“What the hell, Don?” Raph questioned, seeming to have recognized him from his yelp. Immediately his grip softened before leaving his wrists completely. Instead of holding him in place Raph placed a hand on his shoulder, helping his brother sit back up. It was too dark to see Raph’s face properly, but Don could imagine he was frowning.

Sheepish, Don looked down, even though it mattered little in the dark. “I thought… I thought you were hurt.” Which reminded Don that Raph _could_ still be hurt, he still hadn’t _seen_ Raph, had no proof that his brother was alright. He searched for Raph’s arm hurriedly, finding it, gripping it tightly. “You’re not hurt, right? I, I mean, Raph, I-”

“Hey, slow down,” Raph quickly recognized the signs of Don’s rising panic, something that was rare from the genius, but something that happened occasionally with all of them. “I’m not hurt. Why are you even asking-”

“I need to see,” Don whispered, his voice small all of a sudden, and Raph reached for his bedside lamp. The sudden light was bright, and Raph groaned, shielding his eyes with his hand. Don didn’t care about almost being blinded, forcing himself to quickly look over his brother. Nothing, no blood, no wounds. Don sagged under the sudden relief and exhaustion, and didn’t resist when Raph made room for him and dragged him down again, this time to lie next to him.

This was nothing new, although rare. They all needed some comfort every now and then, usually after a dangerous mission. Their life had been pretty quiet lately, nothing life-threatening in a long time, yet Raphael hadn’t questioned Donatello’s worry. He seemed to understand.

They were quiet for a long moment, Raph idly, a bit awkwardly, running his hand over the edge of Don’s shell. Don knew his brother wasn’t used to showing affection, thinking he didn’t know how to do it, but Don was feeling better already. He focused on the comforting presence of his brother, of his chest moving right next to him, of the hand moving along the side of his shell. Slowly he relaxed, and as the worry faded, it made room for embarrassment. Don knew there was no reason for such a feeling, but he rarely needed physical comfort like this. Waking his siblings and keeping them awake like this wasn’t like him… but he definitely hadn’t imagined the pained whimper he had heard earlier. If Raph wasn’t hurt, then- oh. Perhaps Raph had been having bad dreams as well. That would explain why he hadn’t recognized Don immediately; he had been barely out of a nightmare, just half awake.

Don had startled Raph, and he wanted to apologize. But his thoughts went to last night, how late it had been, how close Raph had been sitting to Leo in the kitchen. How his hand had rested on the table, Leo’s hand almost touching his. He was pretty sure Leo had been in the middle of comforting the hotheaded brother before he and Mikey had appeared to the scene. Was Raph having repeating nightmares just like he was?

“Better now?” Raph interrupted his thoughts, and Don nodded. He was feeling much better, even if the images of the nightmare weren’t fully gone. They never fully went away.

“You were having a nightmare too,” Don stated. It wasn’t a question, so Raph didn’t feel the need to answer. “Last night as well, right?”

That made Raph look down at him with some confusion. “I- yeah, how’d ya know?”

“Leo made you tea,” Don stated simply. “You never drink it unless-”

“Stop being so observant,” Raph grumbled, but kept running his fingers along Don’s shell.

“Did Leo have one, too?” Don pressed his head against Raph’s shoulder. He was fine, now, but the physical contact was rare and comforting. “He said you were both having trouble sleeping.”

“He was just covering for me,” Raph mumbled. “Shit. Now I owe him one.”

“I don’t think Leo expects anything like that,” Don chuckled. “None of us would. Raph, you know you can come to any of us if you need to.”

Raph only grumbled as an answer. They were quiet for another moment before the turtle in red spoke again. “I… I didn’t ask him. He was awake when I went to his room, but I didn’t ask him why he was awake, if he was having trouble sleeping. He didn’t say anything.”

“He never says anything if he has a nightmare,” Don sighed.

“True…” Raph copied his sigh. “I… I didn’t think to ask. I was thinking about my own so much that I-”

“Hey, I’m not saying you should’ve,” Don reassured him quickly. “There was no reason to think he had one.”

“Then why did you ask?” Raph lifted his head up slightly to properly look at his brother.

Now it was Don’s turn to take a moment before answering. “Because me and Mikey had them last night, just like you. And now we’re having them again.”

“Ain’t like it’s anything unusual,” Raph said. “Sometimes they come every night, and then they stop coming for a while. Besides, if Mikey was having one, he would’ve already dashed to someone’s room.”

Don shifted. “How do you know he’s not already in Leo’s room?”

Raph hesitated before answering. “Right. Maybe he is. What’s your point?”

“I don’t know,” Don sighed again. The nightmare was pushed to the back of his mind, and his eyelids were starting to feel heavy. “Just weird that we’re having them at the same time, even though nothing out of the ordinary hasn’t happened.”

Had this happened after a big fight it would’ve been understandable, but their life had been fairly peaceful lately. There wasn’t really any reason for the sudden appearance of the nightmares.

Don yawned, and felt Raph pulling the blanket over them. 

“Wake me up if you can’t sleep, okay?”

Don couldn’t help smiling at Raph’s words. It was rare for him to show such care, and Don nodded, already drifting to sleep.

“You too,” he managed to mumble before his eyes closed.

* * *

It didn’t really come off as a surprise when Mikey emerged from Leo’s room in the morning. He didn’t look sleep deprived, so it seemed that Leo’s presence had chased off whatever nightmare the youngest had had.

Don woke up feeling rested, too. Raph had already been up when Don had opened his eyes, but he hadn’t moved in fear of waking up the still sleeping brother. Don had mumbled something about making coffee, and had escaped the room before he could start feeling embarrassed again. He was old enough to not go running to his brothers when a nightmare struck. But with it happening so many times in a row… maybe he could be excused. 

Besides, he was pretty sure that Raph had gotten some peace of mind while having someone sleep with him. At least Don hadn’t woken up to his brother having any more nightmares, and even though his two eldest brothers were stupidly good at hiding their discomfort, Don wasn’t a heavy sleeper. He would’ve woken up if Raph had had trouble sleeping. So, it was a win-win situation, right? Both of them had been able to sleep the rest of the night.

The third night in a row that Donatello woke up with his heart hammering against his chest, still glancing around to see the pursuer, he didn’t even consider it twice before jumping out of bed. 

This time his legs took him towards Leonardo’s room. It hadn’t been Leo’s dying body he had cradled on his arms in tonight’s dream, but his mind was still mixing the dream with reality. He didn’t know if Mikey and Raph were here- all he could see was their broken forms lying in that dark place, and he couldn’t go back there. He needed to find Leo, needed to make sure he wasn’t lost as well, needed him to tell him that their brothers weren’t hurt, that he had the situation under control like he always did.

He felt like a scared little kid seeking big brother’s comfort, but at the moment he absolutely didn’t care. He was used to all sorts of nightmares, even if they shook him, he was collected enough to sneak into his brother’s rooms to check on them instead of just barging in- but tonight had reduced him into a shaking, mindlessly scared state. The nightmares had started as mild, leaving him anxious, not panicking like this. The last few nights had been bad, and only seemed to be getting worse. Don shuddered as images from the dream flashed through his mind, forgetting to be quiet as he pushed Leo’s door open. 

Immediately he knew that Leo wasn’t in the room. His heart seized up in his chest, and he whirled around. If he was gone as well- no, _no,_ maybe the kitchen again? He knew he wasn’t being quiet as he ran towards the stairs, but he didn’t really care. There was no light coming from the kitchen, meaning that Leo wasn’t there either, and his panic only swelled.

Before Donatello could think of what to do, the kitchen light came on, revealing Leonardo standing by the kitchen entrance, looking up towards the bedrooms. He had most likely heard Don’s hurried footsteps and was now trying to see who had been making the noise. Leonardo looked like he was alright, no wounds, just standing there. Overwhelming relief washed over the turtle staring towards the kitchen, and Don didn’t slow his steps as he hopped down the stairs, practically gliding towards the leader.

“Donatello, what’s the matter-”

Leo’s sentence was cut off when Don wrapped his arms around him, hugging him tightly. It wasn’t like him to rely on physical contact for comfort, last night with Raph had been just an exception, this was more like something Mikey would do- but the fear of not finding Leo, the fear of being completely alone had been so strong-

Leo’s hands wrapped around him, and Don had to bite his lip to keep down the sob that threatened to leave him. Why was he so shaken over the dream? He had seen worse, and he knew it hadn’t been real. Leo had been absent in the dream, already caught by the pursuer, but he was alright, the proof right here in his arms. Yet… yet the fear lingered, stronger than it should’ve been. 

“It’s okay, Donnie,” Leo comforted him with hushed words. “It’s okay. Come sit with me?”

Don nodded against Leo’s chest, but didn’t let go just yet. Leo was patient, allowing him to take his time before Don could let go. When he finally looked at Leo again, his brother gave him a reassuring smile, leading him towards the nearest chair.

“Why didn’t you have the lights on?” Don asked, trying to not sound accusing, trying to keep his voice from trembling. 

“I only came to get a glass of water,” Leo explained. “I didn’t plan on staying long enough to put the lights on.”

While Leonardo opened the cupboard to get a glass for Donatello, the turtle in purple noticed the kettle on the stove. It had been hours already since Leo had brewed the tea he usually had before bed, and Leo always washed the kettle afterwards and put it away. He had been about to make tea. Something must’ve woken him up as well. But he had said he had been here just for a glass of water...

“Tea?” Leo asked, seeming to have noticed him looking towards the kettle. Don shook his head.

“Water’s fine.”

Leonardo brought him a glass of water, and Donatello hadn’t realized how much he had needed the cold drink before he had already downed half of it. Leo took a seat next to him, waiting for Don to say something first.

Despite the intensity of the panic Don had felt only a few minutes ago, the horrible feeling was finally starting to fade. Don stared down at his hands, unsure if he wanted to talk about what he had seen or not. He simply moved his hand closer to Leo, who got the hint, placing his hand over Don’s and squeezing his fingers reassuringly. Don realized that this was the third night in a row when Leo had to comfort a brother, first Raph, then Mikey, and now him. He couldn’t help wondering if Mikey was looking for comfort in Raph’s room tonight. Were those two still having nightmares like he was? Was Leo having them? Was that the reason he was in here so late, about to make tea, refusing to admit it?

“Weren’t you able to sleep?” Don asked. 

Leo looked down at the table. “Woke up when Mikey ran into Raph’s room.”

“Huh.” Don had been too caught up in his own dream to hear that. He wished he had heard, so that the dream would’ve ended sooner, so that he wouldn’t have needed to see how-

“Donnie.” Leonardo’s voice brought him from his thoughts. Leo was squeezing his fingers, but softened his hold once he had Don’s attention again. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Don said, frowning. There really wasn’t. It was always the same dream, his brothers getting hurt, him getting chased. “But this place I keep seeing… it’s the same every night, and so familiar. It’s always too dark to see properly, but I know… I know I’ve been there before. A long time ago, though. And every night I’m there, every night something bad… something really bad happens, every night...”

Donatello swallowed, not having meant to continue, but doing so anyway. “Mikey and Raph- they both got so hurt. And you weren’t there at all, I… I…”

Leonardo squeezed his hand again, bringing his attention back to his brother instead of the nightmare. “Don’t think about that. We’re all fine.” Leo seemed to have noticed that the familiarity of the place was bothering Don, since he was now asking about it. “If the place is familiar, are there any details you remember? Don’t think about the dream itself. Just about your surroundings.”

Don thought about it, but it seemed like his mind was only offering him details of the part of the dream he didn’t want to go through. Don closed his eyes as if to shield himself from the images, but that only made them so much more vivid. 

He hadn’t noticed Leo standing up before his brother was tugging at his arm, urging him to get up as well. “Hey. It’s no use going over it now. You’re exhausted.”

Don didn’t protest, following his brother, but a new fear was forming inside his head the closer they got to their bedrooms. He didn’t want to sleep alone, he didn’t think he _could_ sleep alone, but didn’t want to make it a habit to start bothering his brother’s sleep. He had already slept in Raph’s room last night, so-

“Do you want to sleep in my room?” Leo asked once they got up the stairs. Relief washed over Don for not having to ask that himself, saving some of his pride, and he could only nod. Leo smiled at him, guiding him into his room.

* * *

“I’m getting really fucking tired of this,” Raph grumbled, shifting to get into a more comfortable position.

“Sorry,” Don mumbled from next to him, trying to give Raph more room, but his brother pulled him back closer.

“No, not at you, Donnie,” Raph said with a softer tone.

“What? Why just me? I’m not even hogging all the blankets!” Mikey complained from Raph’s other side, and Raph rolled his eyes in the dark.

“Not at you either, Mikey. The freaking nightmares. How many nights in a row, now?”

“Four,” Don said. 

“And they’re just getting worse,” Mikey’s voice was quieter, and he snuggled closer to Raph. 

“Yeah. Shit.” Raph stared up at his dark ceiling, sighing. It wasn’t long since Mikey had dashed into his room, soon followed by Don, who had been more quiet in entering. Raph had already been awake at that point, and hadn’t been bothered at all to have his brothers here. His own nightmare was still fresh in his mind. “Try ta get some sleep, okay? We’ll try to do something about this tomorrow.”

“Night,” Mikey called through a yawn. They were all exhausted, the last few nights leaving them more tired than rested. It had started to affect their focus, and Don was glad they hadn’t had any missions during the past few days. 

Despite the exhaustion, Don couldn’t fall asleep. Having a brother next to him had helped during the previous nights, and now he even had two, but something was still amiss. They weren’t all here.

It seemed like something was bothering Raph and Mikey too, judging by the way Mikey kept shifting, and Raph kept sighing. They weren’t able to fall asleep either.

“It’s bothering you as well, isn’t it?” Don asked quietly.

“What is?” Raph asked, grunting as Mikey leaned over him to talk to Don.

“Leo’s not here,” Mikey said, and Don nodded in the dark.

“I’m not gonna go into his bed,” Raph stated immediately.

“Why not? You two were holding hands the other night, after you had a nightmare,” Mikey said, poking Raph into his side. 

“Wha- we _weren’t_ holding hands!” Raph slapped Mikey’s hand away, but the youngest only chuckled, climbing over Raph to get out of the bed.

“Stop pretending like you’re not bothered by Leo not being here. You’re coming, right, Donnie?”

Don was already sitting up, reaching for Raph in the dark. “Come on, Raph.”

This time the turtle in red only growled quietly, following after his younger brothers, not wanting to be left alone.

They didn’t expect to find Leo asleep, but hadn’t really expected the eldest to be sitting on his bed with a single candle burning on his nightstand, looking like he was meditating. Leo cracked open one eye, then the other in surprise at seeing all three of his brothers by his door.

“Guys…?” Leo began, watching as Mikey hopped onto his bed and made himself comfortable next to him, laying his head on Leo’s lap. Don took his place from Leo’s other side, and Raph sat down at the end of the bed, leaning against Mikey’s shell.

“Couldn’t sleep without you,” Mikey told the eldest, closing his eyes. Leo smiled warmly down at him, but gave a worried glance at Don and Raph.

“You’re all still seeing the nightmares?”

“Yeah,” Raph grumbled. “Starting to get on my nerves…”

“Aren’t you seeing them, Leo?” Don asked, looking straight into Leo’s eyes. Finding Leo alone in the dark kitchen the other night was still bothering him, and Leo hadn’t given him a straight answer the last time he had asked. Mikey cracked open one eye, glancing up at his brother, and Raph was looking as well. Leo was the only one who hadn’t sought his brother’s presence during the last few nights. Not like he could’ve, since there had been someone visiting his room every night.

“Not really-”

Mikey reached up, grabbing the side of the mask Leo was still wearing, yanking it down. Surprised, Leo had no time to react before the blue cloth was pulled down, revealing the dark circles under his eyes.

“Liar,” Mikey accused softly. “You haven’t been able to sleep either.”

Leo hesitated, but seemed to realize that he was cornered, and sighed. “...Yes, I’ve been having them as well.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Don asked. “Even though we were pretty sure you were having them too, but still.”

Leonardo shrugged, and Donatello let it be. It wasn’t anything new that the leader didn’t say it when he was hurting, but four nights of nightmares in a row, and he still hadn’t thought to mention it. Don made a mental note to talk about it later, but now it was confirmed that all of them had been having nightmares for the past four nights. There had to be something behind this. But what? 

“Could it be an attack?” Mikey asked. “I mean, it wouldn’t be the first time someone tried to attack, you know, our minds.”

“Yeah, there was that time when we thought the lair got flooded and thought that everyone was…” Raph didn’t finish the sentence.

“But this is different,” Don said. “These are just dreams, and we’ve been able to wake from them without any problem. They’re affecting us at the same time, but we don’t share the experience, like back then.”

“I’ve been seeing a certain place, just like you mentioned you had, Donnie,” Leo said. “I didn’t want you to go through the dream again by asking you for details, but…”

“You think we could’ve had the same dream?” Don asked, turning his head to look at the eldest. 

“It depends on what you saw,” Leo said quietly, and they fell silent as they realized it was now time to share details about their dreams. 

“I,” Don started, looking down at his hands. Leo lifted his hand up, placing it on Don’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to tell,” Leo said. “In my dream, it’s always dark too. We’re holding flashlights. I think we’re in one of the sewer tunnels.”

“Well, that happens in my dreams,” Mikey said. “Something’s always chasing me, and…”

Don nodded so that Mikey wouldn’t need to go further with the details. “Sounds familiar, the chase too.”

They glanced at Raph, who nodded as well. “Yeah. It’s the same with me.”

Leonardo was silent for a moment. “Alright, without going into… further details, I think this is enough to conclude that you’re having the same kind of dreams,” Leo said, looking thoughtful.

“If it’s an attack, it’s not a very efficient one,” Raph huffed. “It’s not like we can’t wake from the dreams or something like that. They’re just nightmares.”

“I don’t know, I haven’t been feeling very good lately,” Mikey said. “I wouldn’t be on my best if we had to fight now.”

“Mikey’s right,” Don said. “This could be an attempt at keeping us out of the streets. Or make us have a disadvantage in a fight. Not being able to sleep properly makes us exhausted, and that’s a huge advantage for an enemy.”

“It’s clear that this can’t go on, whether it’s an attack or not,” Leo agreed. “We’ll talk with Splinter in the morning. He’s the one who figured out what was going on when we were stuck in the same dream.”

“Think he’s been having nightmares, too?” Mikey asked.

“I don’t know,” Leo said. “We’ll have to ask him.”

With that the turtles made themselves comfortable in Leo’s bed- at least as comfortable as they could with the limited space. Had things been normal there would’ve been a lot of kicking and pushing, but now they settled down quickly, Leo reaching over Don to blow off the candle.


	2. Sees you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slow going in this chapter, but we're getting there...

Master Splinter lowered himself into a kneeling position, his movements slow. Their Father was getting old, there was no denying it, but the look in his eyes was as sharp and wise as ever. His four sons kneeled in front of him, bowing their heads respectfully.

“Master,” Leonardo started. “There was something we wished to ask you.”

The situation with their repeating nightmares was explained, and it became apparent that their Master hadn’t shared the same nightmares. The old mutant listened carefully without interrupting, only speaking once Leonardo had finished.

“You four have always shared a very close bond. Meditating together, always looking out for each other, has granted you a special mental connection, which you may not always be aware of. If one of you is suffering from emotional distress, it could affect the rest, in this case in the form of nightmares.”

“So you don’t think it’s an attack, Master?” Leo asked, the old rat looking thoughtful.

“That is a possibility, of course,” he said. “Each one of you must look inward and find the source of the nightmare; to find whether the creator is your own subconscious or something completely else.”

“Well, I got nothing negative going on,” Mikey said. “It’s been so quiet lately. Nobody wants us dead, no gang wars, no alien attacks. I don’t really have a reason to be seeing dreams this intense.”

“I am glad to hear that, Michelangelo. Does anyone else have something pressing on their mind? Even if you do not consider it to be troublesome, your subconscious can differ with you. Think hard, think deep.”

The four turtles fell silent for a moment, trying to think of a reason for the nightmares. When the silence stretched, Leo finally broke it.

“Is there anything anyone would like to get off their chest? It could be just something small, like Master Splinter said.” Leo glanced at his siblings.

“Well, I’m pretty bummed about Raph stealing the last slice of pizza yesterday,” Mikey grinned, dodging the smack aimed at him.

Nobody had anything negative to say, and it wasn’t like any of them had felt any ill or negative aura from each other. But that didn’t mean that those emotions could be hidden; Leo knew that all too well himself. Guilt, regret, fear; any negative emotion, if strong enough, could affect the family’s delicate balance. The bond in their family was strong, but in order for it to remain that way they couldn’t hide things from each other.

Leo felt a pang of guilt in his chest.

“Could it be some kind of a warning, Master?” Donatello asked, unable to mask the anxiety in his voice. The other three glanced at each other, knowing about the bad future Don had once seen, knowing that these nightmares had in some way brought back the memory of that future. Forcing Don to talk about what he had seen in that future had been like pulling teeth, but once Don had gotten it out of his system he had learned to come to terms with what he had seen and experienced. Still, it had never completely left him, coming back in night terrors like these. But these dreams were very different from the nightmares Don had told them about the future, so they doubted these nightmares were connected. But it didn’t mean that they weren’t making Don anxious about them.

“Everything is possible,” Splinter answered calmly, making Don’s shoulders sag. “This simply gives you even more reasons to try to seek out the source of this.” 

“How are we going to do that?” Mikey asked.

Master Splinter looked at his youngest, smiling a little. “Dreams come from our subconsciousness. What is the best way to reach it?”

Michelangelo groaned as the answer came to him; he should’ve known. 

“We shall meditate, seek out the meaning of this, and if need be, prepare for it.”

Despite his groan, Mikey didn’t protest it further. He, just like his brothers, was simply eager to get rid of these nightmares, ready to try anything to achieve that. He actually felt hopeful now that they had something they could  _ do  _ about the situation.

“I guess I’m actually looking forward to mediation,” Mikey said with a chuckle as they moved to the dojo to start their meditation session right away. “Never thought I’d say something like that. Is this how it feels like to be you, Leo?”

Leo only smiled at him as he grabbed some candles. “If this solves our problem, will you start appreciating mediation more?”

“We’ll see,” Mikey grinned back at him, grabbing the matches and helping him light up the candles. “I just want to get rid of these dreams, man.”

“Me too,” Don agreed as they knelt in a small circle, surrounded by candle light. “The sooner the better.”

“Then focus, my sons,” Splinter told them as he folded his legs to get in the correct position. “Listen to what your mind has to tell you. Judging by the nature of your dreams, what you’ll discover won’t be pleasing. Still, you mustn't run from it or push it away. Only by facing it will you be able to find the source and meaning behind it.”

The atmosphere was somewhat nervous, but the turtles were able to relax when the familiar scent of lotus filled the room. The familiarity of everything, the dojo, their Master’s steady voice, the presence of each other, helped them ground themselves.

“As the nightmares are something you’ve all shared, it is best to approach this as a team. Try to find what it is that your own subconsciousness is trying to tell you- but try to reach each other as well. One way to help you create that link with each other is by having some sort of physical contact.”

Mikey didn’t need to be told twice; he grabbed Raph’s hand eagerly, ignoring the small huff coming from him, finding Don’s hand with his other hand. Leo followed the example, reaching out to both Don and Raph. Don took his hand with a small smile, while Raph didn’t look at him as he took his hand. The hothead wasn’t a big fan of mediation in the first place, and didn’t really understand how some hand holding would help them get rid of their nightmares.

With that, the group closed their eyes, slowing down their breathing and allowing thoughts to pass through them. It took a while, and a great deal of patience until they started to feel that connection Master Splinter had talked about. This wasn’t the first time they had meditated like this, trying to connect with each other spiritually, yet it surprised them how easily their spiritual energies met this time. 

Michelangelo realized he had actually missed this, feeling Donatello’s soft and welcoming aura, Raphael’s fiery yet caring, and Leonardo’s calm and safe. There was nothing quite like this, being close to another person like this. It wasn’t like Mikey could see the thoughts of his brothers or make them hear his, but in this state, you didn’t need words. He couldn’t quite feel the emotions of the others either, but he could feel the life radiating from them, their spirit. It made him feel connected and completed.

Don’s and Raph’s spirits were a strong presence in their small circle, Leo’s energy hovering slightly further away from them. Mikey wanted him close as well, tugged at Raph and Don to make them follow him towards their leader. His brothers followed without resistance, and Mikey reached for the eldest brother-

Black darkness washed over him, separating him from his brothers. This setting had become too familiar, and he recognized it immediately. The endlessly dark tunnels, the foul smell of blood. The connection to his brothers had disappeared, replaced with fear. No, he didn’t want to be here, not alone. Not with his brothers, either, because whenever they came here the chaser always caught them, always hurt them in such ways that- that-

There they were, the footsteps. Before even giving the command to his body, he was already running, his body remembering the pain, remembering what would happen if he got caught. He wasn’t supposed to be here again, running from this thing. Where had his brothers gone? Had they been with him at all, had the meditating part been just a part of the dream? At least he had realized this was a dream; that didn’t usually happen. But usually when he realized that he was dreaming, waking up was almost too easy. Now it wasn’t happening, he wasn’t waking up, and he didn’t know what to do, so he kept running. If he stopped, the thing would catch up to him, would hurt him again, would ignore his pleas, would take him where he’d see the tormented forms of his brothers-

He collided with something, falling back with a scared yelp. How had the chaser gotten in front of him? Mikey lifted his hands up in a vain attempt at protecting himself, whimpering as he waited for the first blow.

The blow never came; soft arms wrapped around him instead, and Mikey recognized the familiar fur. His father was here, and Mikey was immediately wrapping his arms around Splinter.

“It is alright, my son,” the rat comforted him, petting his shell. “You are safe.”

Michelangelo drew away so that he could see where he was. It wasn’t dark anymore; the dojo was dimly lit, but the dim light felt like a brightly lit room compared to the total darkness he had been in just a moment ago. Mikey exhaled slowly, now feeling a little sheepish about his strong reaction. He withdrew from his father completely, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Uh, sorry. I’m not sure what happened,” Mikey apologized, now glancing at his brothers. He was slightly startled to see the shaken expressions his brothers were wearing; Raph had his arms crossed over his chest defensively, staring down at the floor, and Don looked slightly haunted. Mikey didn’t need to ask to know that they had seen the same thing as he had, or at least something similar to it.

Leo was clenching his fists tightly, trying too hard to appear calm. It was clear from how tense he was, how overly-controlled his breathing was. Mikey realized he hadn’t seen Leo immediately after these nightmares, for the eldest had always been already awake when he had dashed into his room after one of the worst dreams. Now he was able to see how much it affected Leo, too, even though the leader was putting a lot of effort into trying to conceal it.

“I’m sorry, Master,” Donatello apologized as well, looking carefully at their father. “I- I wasn’t able to do anything but run from it, even though we were supposed to face it.”

“Don’t apologize,” Raph grumbled, aiming his words at both Mikey and Don, who had both apologized. Begrudgingly, not looking at anyone, he added, “I was running, too.”

“I could tell that you had found each other spiritually,” Master Splinter spoke, “but once the darkness came, you lost sight of each other. You need to work on your connection and face this fear together.”

“Yeah, well, Fearless here was pulling away from us,” Raph grumbled quietly, giving the brother in question a slightly puzzled glance.

“Leonardo?” Master Splinter lifted a brow as he turned to look at his eldest, who seemed startled about the attention suddenly being on him. He met the eyes of his father.

“I’m sorry,” Leo said, glancing at his brother to aim his apology to them as well. Their circle had gotten scattered, but Leo moved back closer to his brothers and kneeled again. Still, he seemed hesitant, his Master and brothers looking at him questioningly.

“We can try again,” Leo said. Master Splinter nodded.

“Take it slow, my sons,” Splinter instructed them. “There is no rush.”

Eventually Leo offered his hands to his brothers, signing that he was ready to try again. They took hold of each other once more, concentrating on the presence of each other, not letting the darkness creep back in. It felt like they were building each other back up again, removing their fears, knowing that they could handle this together. They stayed close, this time, feeling the hesitation coming from Leo, feeling that their brother wasn’t letting them in completely- but each one of them had their own walls, not yet ready to lay out everything they were feeling.

This was enough as it was. To simply feel each other, be there for each other. To feel safe, to know everyone else was safe. 

When Splinter’s hushed voice brought them back to the dojo, the candles had almost burned out. Mikey couldn’t remember the last time he had stayed in meditation for this long. These candles could burn for hours, yet he felt like his eyes had been closed only for a couple of minutes.

“Well done,” their Master praised them. “This is enough for now. The source of this may still be unknown, but you’ve strengthened your bond, perhaps shielding you from the dark tonight. I suggest you go and try to get some proper rest.”

Mikey felt content and relaxed after the meditation session, but the thought of sleeping alone immediately brought him anxiety. The meditation had left him used to the presence of his brothers, feeling like the nightmares couldn’t get him now, but if he was alone...

“Don’t worry, Mikey,” Don told him softly, having seemingly sensed his distress. “If the dreams come again, just come to one of us.”

The easiest solution would’ve been to just sleep in the same room in the first place, like they had done when they had been younger, but Mikey refrained from suggesting it. He couldn’t keep disturbing his brother’s sleep every night. But if the nightmare did come again, he could make no promises about storming into one of their rooms.

* * *

There was no nightmare to be woken from that night.

When Raph sat up on his bed to glance at his clock, finding it still too early to get up, he was confused. He had actually started dreading sleep, knowing that nothing but that same nightmare waited for him, but now he couldn’t remember having seen any dreams. Had the talk with their Master and the meditation session helped already? Raph hadn’t really felt like they had reached any conclusion, but then again, even if he wouldn’t say it out loud, he had felt really safe with his brothers like that. Maybe it really had helped. Either way, he was just relieved that the nightmare was gone.

The need to drink something had woken him up, a much preferable way to wake up than the nightmares. He got up and headed to the kitchen. As he went he paused behind his brother’s doors, listening for possible signs of one of them still seeing the nightmare. He didn’t hear anything concerning, feeling even more relieved as he continued his silent walk through the lair. 

He didn’t need to put the kitchen light on, knowing where everything was, but he pushed the lights on anyways.

And almost had an heart-attack when the light revealed Leonardo standing next to the sink.

“Jesus, what the fuck, Leo? Why ya standing all silent in the dark?”

“...Was about to make tea, not give you a heart-attack,” Leo apologized, and Raph could now see the kettle in his hands. “You want some?”

“No,” Raph answered immediately. His answer had been different just a few nights ago, after that one particularly awful nightmare- but there was no way he was touching tea now. “Came to get some water. Geez. Ya could’ve turned the lights on.”

“You know I don’t need them, just like you don’t,” Leo said.

“It helps finding the damn glass,” Raph muttered, heading towards the cupboard to get said item. “Did ya have another nightmare?”

Leo shook his head. “No, just wanted tea. What about you?”

“Didn’t dream of anything.” 

Leo stared at him for a moment, then turned to fill the kettle with water, holding his hand out to Raph so that he could fill Raph’s glass for him. “That’s a relief. I think we should still try to find out what caused them in the first place. It was very unusual for all of us to have such similar dreams.”

“I don’t know,” Raph muttered as he took the glass back, now filled with water. “I just wanna forget about them now that they’re gone.”

Leo said nothing as he placed the kettle on the stove. Raph emptied his glass in one go, setting it down in the sink.

“Well, I’m gonna get back ta bed, get some sleep now that I can. You gonna do the same after your tea session?”

Leo nodded, waving him away. “Sleep well, Raph.”

“Yeah. You too.”

Raphael hadn’t looked forward to sleeping in a while, but now he was glad to get back to bed. Sleep claimed him almost immediately, but the newly found peace lasted only so long. 

It couldn’t be more than an hour later when he shot up from his bed, the nightmare fresh on his mind. It hadn’t been as bad as they had been the nights before this; he had woken up before it had been able to get to the worst part. His heart was still racing, and even though the first thing on his mind was to check on his brothers, he knew it was just the same damn nightmare, his family was fine. He only got up to check if the others had had it too, to see if they were awake as well.

He didn’t need to go far; Leo’s door was cracked open, and he could hear faint whispers from the inside. One of his brothers had already gone to Leo. Mikey, most likely, so Raph headed to the room closest to his.

The door to Don’s room opened quietly, in case Don had been spared from the nightmare, though Raph doubted that. It was rare for the genius to sleep in his actual bed instead of crashing on top of his keyboard, but the nightmares had kept them up for several nights, and even Don had been forced to leave his projects and try to get some real sleep in his bed. 

Don stood by his bed, lifting his eyes up to him once he noticed Raph by the door. 

“Do I even need to ask?” Don asked, whispering.

“No,” Raph shook his head, walking closer to his brother, “but I usually get them sooner, not this late in the night. And this one was shorter.”

Don nodded. “Same with me. Do you think it’s a good sign? Since it was so short?”

Raph shrugged. “I sure hope so; this is getting damn frustrating. You think it’s over but of course it isn’t.”

“Maybe the meditation is the reason it was shorter,” Don mused. “You gonna try to go back to bed?”

Raph nodded. “Yeah. Mikey’s with Leo. You?”

Don returned the nod. “I think I’ll be able to sleep. This… this wasn’t nowhere near as bad as the… worst ones.”

Raph looked his brother over, but it seemed like he was telling the truth; that he was okay. Since Mikey was with Leo, Raph made his way back to his own room, truly hoping that his sleep wouldn’t be interrupted before the morning.

The lair stayed silent until morning. As they gathered to make breakfast it seemed like no one had seen more nightmares after the short one. Mikey was his bright self during breakfast, serving cooked bacon and fried eggs with great enthusiasm. Donatello looked better-rested as well, for once not looking like a zombie as he drank his morning coffee. Leonardo ate his portion of food, thanked Mikey and headed towards the dojo before the rest of them as he often did. Master Splinter sipped his tea, looking content that balance was slowly returning to his family.

The only thing different was that Leonardo spent most of the day away in mediation. Their Master had suggested that they didn’t try another group mediation session yet in order to see if the situation had calmed down; if there was even a short nightmare tonight, there clearly was something still left unsolved.

It was nothing unusual that Leonardo meditated anyway, it was nothing unusual that he stayed in his room for hours. But to not see the leader during the whole day told the rest of the family that he was withdrawing from them. Raph didn’t drag him out of his room only because Leo had said that he wanted to find the reason for the nightmares, so maybe it really wasn’t withdrawal; the leader just wanted to get to the bottom of this.

The fact that the next night was a night completely without nightmares lifted the mood in the lair considerably. Raph had meant to ask Leo if his meditation had brought him any answers, but it didn’t feel important anymore. The whole nightmare-business was something he wanted to  _ finally  _ leave behind. They were all still curious and confused about the cause, but were happy to put it behind them. If this happened again, at least they knew where to start fixing it. Guess meditation could be useful after all.

The dreams weren’t on his mind as Leonardo led them to the dojo for their morning practice. Splinter had slowly been giving the lead of their training sessions over to Leonardo, who had been unsure of the change at first, but had quickly gotten used to it. It was the norm for the family now.

It was clear that Michelangelo and Donatello were better rested and relieved as well, but if the eldest was relieved, he wasn’t letting it show. He appeared calm and focused, as always when he was leading training. Leonardo had always taken training seriously, but even more so now that his Master had officially given him the permission to train his brothers.

“Take your weapons,” Leonardo ordered when they were almost finished with their stretches. “We’re practicing disarming today.”

“Don’t we already know how to do that?” Mikey questioned, leaning over his left leg as he reached for his toes with his hand, stretching the muscles in his leg. “That’s like, one of the first lessons.”

Master Splinter would’ve silenced his student with a stern gaze, but Leonardo simply stood up, walking to the side of the dojo to grab his swords. He had gotten too used to Mikey’s complaining to even bother saying anything about it. Besides, even though he was leading their training now, he wasn’t a sensei. He expected his team to follow and obey, but he didn’t need the strictness their Master had needed when teaching four teenagers. He wasn’t leading students; he was leading a team.

“You’ll be going against me,” Leonardo continued. “You’ll be learning how to disarm me of both my katana.”

“Been there, done that,” Raph grinned, no doubt thinking about all the times he had forced Leo’s swords out of his hands. “Mikey’s right; we already know how to do this.”

Leo’s brows furrowed slightly, and he held his swords in position, motioning the turtle in red to come closer. “You first, then, Raphael.”

The use of his full name, as well as the grim look on Leo’s face told the rest of them that humor was flying right over the leader’s head today. Leo was often strict and firm with his orders during practice, but he was usually trying to make practice interesting and fulfilling, rarely giving them an order to simply attack himself. It told them that Leo wasn’t in a good mood, unlike the rest of them, who were glad that the whole nightmare-business had been left behind. Mostly, at least.

Raph’s plan was simple; disarm Leo, throw him on the ground and ask him what kind of a stick he had now gotten stuck in his ass. He grabbed his sai, giving the weapons a small spin; they were perfect for trapping swords to twist them to the side, to force them away from their wielder’s hands. 

The younger turtle wasted no time in dashing towards his opponent. Leonardo didn’t move away from his attack; his weapons met Raph’s, but Leo didn’t allow Raph to trap his swords with his sai as he had intended to. Instead the sword-wielder clashed their blades together, using a surprising amount of force in order to push Raph back, to force him to defend. 

Raph had to take a step back in order to get his momentum back, and as soon as he readjusted himself, he was once more pouncing on his brother. Again, Leonardo did not move out of the way, allowing steel to meet steel, but once again not giving Raph an opportunity to position his sai the way he wanted. Always twisting his wrists so that the blade of his sword met Raph’s weapon sideways, sliding away from his hold before Raph could trap the weapons. 

The fight continued like that, Leo managing to avoid the positions he knew Raph was trying to force him into. The way Leo kept maneuvering him, always knowing just how to step away from the trap of the sai was quickly becoming frustrating. Raph growled, pushed against Leo once more, only to have Leo push against him. Leo surprised him with the constant counterattacks, now pushing against Raph, attacking with fiercity which usually didn’t belong to training sessions. Leo could get pretty rough when it was just fists against fists, wrestling him on the floor until they were both exhausted, but he rarely got serious with his swords. Raph knew Leo didn’t think that his brothers couldn’t avoid his blades, but it still wasn’t worth the risk attacking his brothers full force in a confined space.

Now, however, Leo was driving him back fast. His attacks were relentless, forcing him closer to the wall behind him with every move. Raph also realized that Leo had called this a lesson, that he would be guiding them through the unarming process; so far he hadn’t said a word, only attacking him with growing fierciness. This wasn’t a lesson, this was just a fight.

The next swipe of Leo’s sword forced Raph to lift his right hand up, while his left remained down to defend him from the other sword. With his arms stretched like that Leo pushed at him, managing to break his balance. Raph fell back with a grunt, breathing heavily when he looked up at Leo.

Their eyes met, but Leo looked away quickly, making Raph frown. Leo was quick to step away from him, quick to sheathe his swords. 

“Wow,” Mikey whistled from his spot on the other side of the dojo. “That was pretty intense for a lesson of unarming.”

“You call it a lesson of unarming, yet no one got unarmed,” Don mentioned. Leo was starting to get his breathing back under control, and he gave his brothers a stern gaze.

“This is what we’ll be doing until each one of you is able to strip me of my weapons.”

Mikey and Don gave each other a quick glance; they were both skilled fighters, but after seeing the intense battle just now, where Raph, the  _ strongest  _ of the brothers, hadn’t been able to unarm the leader… Yeah, they knew they would be here for a  _ long  _ time.

“Come on, Leo, separating you from your swords is pretty much impossible,” Mikey whined. 

“No, it’s not,” Leo said with some bitterness. They all knew it had happened several times in the past. “You’re going to learn exactly how to do it.”

“Um, I know this is an important skill, but we all know how to disarm someone. You just happen to be a master of sword-handling. What brought this on so suddenly, Leo?”

Donatello asked the question carefully, but they could all see how Leonardo tensed. Worried glances were changed. 

“Many of our enemies are skilled with the blade,” Leonardo said simply, finally offering Raphael a hand to help him up. “It’s important you learn the weak spots of a sword-wielder.”

“Aren’t you kinda screwing yourself over with this?” Raph asked with a small smirk. “If you’re going to be giving us tips on how to go against swords, I sure as hell I’m going to be using them against you.”

Leo’s gaze was as hard as before as he let go of Raph’s hand. “Good.”

The leader gave them no time for further questions, challenging Donatello to face him next. Leonardo seemed a bit calmer now, actually giving them advice on how to position themselves in order to avoid the blades but still be able to get close. 

“When the opportunity strikes, it’s better to fight the hand that wields the weapon, rather than the weapon itself,” Leonardo said, eyeing his sword as he spoke. “Strike their wrist, and-”

Donatello took a sharp step to his right while Leonardo was still talking, and swung his long-reach weapon. It struck the underside of Leonardo’s wrist with force, rendering the limp momentarily useless. Leo’s katana fell to the floor with a muffled clattering. 

Before Leonardo could do anything, Donatello’s bō lifted up, the end just inches from Leonardo’s neck.

“And sometimes you can  _ tell  _ them to drop their weapon, or they can find out how it feels to get concussed by a bō,” Don grinned at his brother, tapping Leo’s shoulder with the end of his weapon to signal him to drop his other weapon. Leonardo gave Donatello an even stare, and when he dropped his sword, he actually smiled.

“Well done,” Leonardo praised, and when Donatello lowered his bō, the leader held the wrist Don had struck. “You’re quick to spot opportunities, Donnie.”

“I didn’t hit you too hard, did I?” Don asked, slightly apologetic as he stepped closer to Leo to take a closer look at his wrist. 

“No,” Leo told him gently. “It’s just sore. Definitely unable to wield anything for a moment; just as it should be. You didn’t have much momentum, yet you made the blow very effective.” Don smiled at the approving look his brother was giving him.

“Since I’m unable to hold them for a moment, Raph, you take the swords while Mikey tries to disarm you.” Leonardo bent down to gather his swords with his better hand, handing them over to Raphael.

“Hmh.” Raph eyed the weapons he had been handed, but grinned when he looked up from them. “I’m a bit rusty with the swords, but there’s no way you’re taking them from me, Mike.”

“Rusty, ha! When was the last time you even held a sword? You’re probably going to drep them all on your own,” Mikey teased, grabbing his own weapons. “This is going to be  _ soo  _ easy.”

“Run yer mouth all ya want,” Raph grinned. “Yer gonna regret it in a bit.”

“Just be careful,” Leo said, suddenly a bit concerned that he had given Raph his swords, when it had truly been a while since the hothead had used them. It didn’t help that Mikey was trying to get on his nerves.

“Don’t worry,” Don said, patting Leo’s shoulder. “Raph isn’t used to the length of your katana and Mikey’s fast. Raph won’t be able to touch him.”

Don sounded pretty sure of his words, so Leo relaxed a little, focusing on giving advice to his brothers. As they started, it became apparent that Raph really was rusty with swords. He was good with them, he would’ve been fine if he had been against Foot soldiers or Purple Dragons, but he was no match to Mikey when the youngest wielded his own weapons. It didn’t take that long for Mikey to be able to wrap the chain of his nunchaku around the hilt of one of the swords and yank it out of Raph’s hand. With a growl Raph grabbed the remaining sword with both hands, trying to protect it, but ended up losing it when Mikey hit him on the fingers.

“Ya two play dirty,” Raph mumbled, eyeing the two youngest brothers as he massaged his stinging fingers.

“They did really well,” Leo praised, smiling at Mikey. “As long as the weapons are gone, anything works.”

“Ya should’ve said that in the beginning,” Raph huffed. “I would’ve taken ya and yer stupid swords down in an instant.”

“You’re free to show me later,” Leo told him, walking up to Raph and grabbing his hand to take a look at his fingers. The skin was slightly darker because of the blow, but his hand looked fine otherwise. “We’re having a short break.”

Training wasn’t over until Leonardo was satisfied with all of them. Leonardo had made it sound like they would first learn to unarm someone of their swords, then unarming in general, but they had done nothing but forced the swords out of each other’s hands. 

“Do you think he’s going to make us practice against nunchaku tomorrow? And bō the next? And sai the day after that?” Michelangelo asked, groaning from just the thought. “Man, we had to be there for  _ hours  _ to make him happy.”

“I’m with you; I hope this was enough unarming for a while,” Don sighed, stretching his arms. “I’m beat. Still trying to catch up on lost sleep.”

“Does that mean we won’t have to drag you out of your lab during the late hours?” Raph asked.

“It does,” Don said, hiding a yawn behind his hand. “As much as I hate to stay this, my projects will have to wait. I was going to give them a few hours, but after Leo drove us like that...”

“Speaking of him,” Mikey glanced behind himself, towards the dojo they had just exited. “Is he lighting candles?”

They could see the faint glow behind the paper walls, indicating that Leonardo was doing exactly that.

“He’s still going to mediate, even after all that?” Don questioned as he looked at the closed doors of the dojo. “He was there late last night as well. Have you guys seen him get any sleep?”

Mikey and Raph shrugged. Don frowned, and had to stifle another yawn.

“Well, he’s got to be as exhausted as we are. He can’t stay there for much longer. Goodnight, guys.”

The turtles headed to different directions; Don towards his bedroom, Raph towards the showers, and Mikey to the kitchen. It didn’t take long before darkness fell over the lair, the only lit room being the dojo, where candles burned late into the night.


	3. Knows you

“Morning, Donnie,” Leonardo greeted softly, so that he wouldn’t startle the turtle working in front of one of his computers. “Coffee?”

Donatello turned around in his chair to take a look at his brother, who set a cup of coffee down on his table, a steaming cup of tea held in his other hand. Don had managed to get some proper sleep, so he was up early today, eager to get back to his work. So eager that he hadn’t even had the time to make coffee yet. He was always a bit groggy in the mornings, especially before his coffee, so the smell of the fresh drink was a blessing. 

“Thank you,” Don thanked, immediately grabbing the hot drink. As soon as he had taken a sip he leaned back in his chair, sighing contently. 

Leo chuckled at his brother. “You definitely have an addiction.”

“Maybe.” Don shrugged with a smile, then eyed his brother over his cup. “You didn’t stay up too late, did you?”

Leonardo shifted a little, blowing slightly on his hot drink. “I might’ve stayed up longer than I meant to, but I might take a nap later. Did you sleep alright?”

Don nodded. “Yes. I’m so glad the nightmares are gone.”

Leo took a sip of his drink, then glanced at the screen of Don’s computer. “Do you have a moment?”

Don tilted his head at Leo’s tone, which had turned a bit more serious. He nodded at the question. “Of course. What did you have in mind?”

“Could I take a look at our security system?” Leo asked. “The cameras.”

They had several cameras in the tunnels around their lair, some recording all the time, some activated only if the motion sensors around them picked up something. Those cameras tended to get them a lot of false alarms, since they captured even small movements, like rats, and sometimes even trash flowing by. The cameras recorded everything, but Don didn’t often bother going through the recordings. The alarms told them if there was anything worth getting worried over.

“Sure,” Don answered, turning back to his computer, pushing a few keys. “Any particular area or date?”

“Kind of wanted to get an overall look around the lair. From the past few days. Go three days back?”

Don kept pushing buttons on his keyboard, and it didn’t take long before recordings appeared on the main screen and the screens next to it. Leo’s request wasn’t too specific, but specific enough to make Don curious. Three days back? Leo was clearly worried about something, or at least wanted to check something out. He felt Leo lean against his chair, watching the screens over his shoulder. He stayed quiet, in case Leo would give a reason for his request without him asking.

As the fast-forwarded recordings played on the screen, silence fell over the two brothers. Don could tell that Leo was intensely focusing on the screens, even though nothing was happening on them. At least nothing interesting; as usual, a few rats scuttered on the screen, but nothing more than that.

“Go back a day,” Leo instructed. Don did as he asked, but it was the same story with that date. Then he requested the day before that, and as he was requesting for the day before _that,_ Don had to glance at his older brother.

“Leo, what’s this about?” He had a suspicion, and had to ask. “Is this about the nightmares?”

Leo didn’t look away from the screens. “I just want to be sure.”

“About?”

Leonardo shrugged. “It was definitely a sewer tunnel we dreamt about. There was something familiar about it.”

“There was,” Don agreed, but continued, “We see tunnels like the one in the dreams every day; of course the tunnels are familiar to us.”

“No, I mean I recognized one of the graffiti I saw,” Leo said, sounding a bit defensive now. “I know I’ve seen that _exact_ tunnel before. But it doesn’t seem to be one of the tunnels we have a camera in.”

That should’ve been obvious from the first viewing, it wasn’t like the cameras changed places between days. Leo didn’t need to check so many different dates to know that they wouldn’t be seeing the graffiti.

“Why is it bothering you so much?” Don asked, turning his chair to properly look at his brother. Leo had to stand up straight when the chair he had leaned against moved, but he didn’t have his usual good posture. He fixed it rather quickly, though. Don narrowed his eyes. Leo had said he had stayed up late, but... 

“Leo… are you still seeing the dreams?”

Leonardo seemed uneasy when he answered. “It just keeps bothering me. I’m… I’m constantly having this feeling, like I should know where this place is. Like I should make sure that it’s safe, you know?”

“That’s understandable,” Don said while giving a short nod, understanding Leo’s concern, even though Don was mostly trying to forget all about the nightmare. He understood that Leo couldn’t let it go, wanting to be absolutely sure that the dream had been, well, just a dream. Still, he was making a big deal out of this, stressing himself over something that could be… nothing. The eldest had been tense for the past few days, and still seemed to be. But that’s how he was - unable to rest before he was absolutely sure that there was nothing threatening their family. That was made difficult when there was almost always someone wanting their heads on their wall, so Leo really didn’t need the extra problem.

But if they found the tunnel and checked it out, or could prove that the specific tunnel didn’t even exist, Leo could get some closure. They all could.

They spent the next half an hour looking through the cameras, just in case there had been something odd going on near the lair; Don even activated some cameras he hadn’t used in a long time, since their positions weren’t very useful. The reactivated cameras didn’t show them the graffiti either. Every camera had been checked, but when none of them gave them anything to work with, the pair had to give up.

Leo hadn’t seemed satisfied, far from it, so Don had given him his maps so that he could try to figure out if he remembered the location of the tunnel. They had mapped the nearest and most important tunnels, but the sewer system was huge, so the mapping was far from complete. Still, Leo had eagerly taken the maps and left Don to work on his own projects.

At least Don had given him something to do so that he wouldn’t be agonizing over this without having anything to do about it. Don thought to check on him later, focusing back on his own work.

* * *

Michelangelo’s morning was going well. Practice had been delayed, and he had managed to watch his cartoons without any interruptions; no surprise patrol, no surprise mission, nobody dragging him out of the living room to clean his room. There was nothing to watch on TV now, so it was time to dig out his collection of DVD’s.

Two movies later he was again trying to make the difficult decision of what to watch, when a crash sounding from the kitchen took his attention, his head snapping up from the DVD box he had been rummaging through. Curious, he jumped up, heading towards the kitchen. 

On the floor he saw the remains of what he suspected once to have been a tea cup, Leo standing next to the shards. He was leaning against the kitchen table, slightly hunched over, and worry immediately overcame the curiosity. Leo was rarely clumsy, almost never dropping things, and his body language screamed that something was amiss.

“Leo, bro! Are you okay?” Mikey asked, worried eyes scanning over Leo’s body, looking for some explanation for the situation. Even more worrying was that his question had startled Leo, who straightened up as he turned around to look at his brother.

“Uh, yes,” Leo said. “I just- didn’t hear you come in. Careful, don’t step on the shards. Let me take care of this... mess.”

Leo moved towards the broom leaning against the kitchen wall, but Mikey was closer to it, and grabbed it before Leo could. His brother didn’t look injured, but his face looked pale and there was a slight shakiness to his hands. He was most likely feeling sick, perhaps had a nasty headache, but once again hadn’t bothered mentioning that to anyone.

“No, you sit down while I take care of it,” Mikey commanded firmly. Leo opened his mouth to protest, but ended up doing as he had been told, simply staring down at his hands once he was sitting down.

The mess was quickly taken care of; the cup hadn’t held anything in it when Leo had dropped it, and one cup didn’t make that many shards. After gathering all of the pieces and throwing them into the trash Mikey placed the broom back into its place, and took a seat next to his brother. There were various maps scattered on the table in front of him, but Leo wasn’t looking at them right now. The leader glanced up from his hands, offering Mikey a sheepish smile.

“Thanks, Mikey.”

“No problem,” Mikey answered, “but as a payment, you’re going to have to tell me what’s going on. You think you’re coming down with something? Does your head hurt?”

Mikey lifted his hand, placing it over Leo’s forehead. He didn’t feel warm, simply looked pale… and exhausted.

“No, just…” Leo lifted his hand to remove Mikey’s hand from his forehead. “I’ve had trouble sleeping. Must be something remaining from the nightmares.”

“Really? I thought we all got rid of that stuff.” 

For a moment it looked like Leo was about to continue, but he simply looked away, his eyes falling on the maps.

“Hold on,” Mikey said, standing up and going to one of the cabinets. Once he had a bag of chips in his hands, he sat back next to Leo. “Okay, now tell me. Are you still seeing the same dreams, or only some of it? Or something different? And what are these maps for?”

Mikey threw a handful of chips into his mouth, reaching for one of the maps to take a look at it. Before his hand got even close, a hand grabbed his wrist, startling him and making him yelp.

“You are _not_ touching my maps with those greasy fingers,” Don, who had ninja’d his way behind the youngest, said firmly, moving Mikey’s hand away from the table.

“Fine,” Mikey pouted, drawing his hand back to the bag of chips. “You’re not having my chips.”

“Did you figure out anything?” Don asked Leo as he set his empty cup to the sink. He turned back to look at the table, lifting a brow at the messy way the maps lay on top of each other. It wasn’t Leo’s style to lay them out like this, he was a careful planner, always organizing his stuff neatly.

“Not a thing,” Leo said, “I think I need to go out there to look for it.”

“Look for what?” Raph asked as he stepped into the room, only giving a quick glance to the maps. He opened the fridge, grabbing himself a can of soda.

“Hey, toss me one!” Mikey called, and swiftly caught the can Raph threw at him.

“Leo’s looking for the tunnel we all saw in that nightmare,” Don explained, returning his gaze to the maps. Leo had drawn a map of his own, but the lines he had drawn weren’t straight and his hand-writing looked slightly messy, like he had been writing and drawing in a rush.

“Why?” Mikey asked. “If you found it, why would you want to go there? If anything, the dream was a warning to _not_ go there!”

“Besides, we got rid of it,” Raph said, shrugging. “Didn’t ya hear what Master Splinter said? That the nightmare was strong enough to affect whatever… connection we have. One of us saw a nightmare and it affected all of us. Thanks, Mikey, by the way.”

“Hey! What makes you think it was me who saw the dream? Leo stresses over stuff all the time!” Mikey defended himself.

“But he doesn’t come into my bed and hog all the blankets,” Raph huffed.

Mikey stuck his tongue out at Raph. “Not coming to you the next time I see one!”

Raph rolled his eyes, not believing it for a second. He acted like he was bothered by Mikey’s nightly visits, but they both knew their door was always open if some comfort was needed. It was just one of those things that didn’t need to be said out loud.

“Besides, Leo is the one still affected by the dreams,” Mikey said, sounding a bit more serious. They all looked at Leo, who gave the youngest a look.

“It just bothers me,” Leo sighed. 

Don placed a hand on his shoulder. “We’ll see if we can find the tunnel the next time we go out,'' he said, and it wasn’t even a suggestion, it was a decision. It was starting to look like Leo couldn’t get this out of his head unless they at least looked for the place, so they had to go.

“But that won’t be now,” Mikey said. “I’m in such a movie marathon mood and I _neeeeed_ company. I was just trying to decide on what to watch next. You’ll join me, right, guys?”

Raph shrugged. “It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do. Same rule with the chips as with the blankets, though; don’t hog all of them.”

The turtle in red grabbed the chips from Mikey despite his protests, heading towards the living area. Mikey jumped up from his chair and was about to follow Raph and the chips, but turned around to tug at Leo’s arm.

“C’mon, hurry, you two! Before Raph eats all the chips!”

Leo gave a glance at the maps, but allowed Mikey to pull him up on his feet. Both he and Don followed the youngest to the living area, where Mikey showed them the DVD’s they could choose from. As Raph and Don eyed them, they noted that the options were all something that Leo would most likely enjoy. They gave each other a quick look, understanding that Mikey was trying to get Leo’s mind off of the dreams with movies that would be to his taste.

The chosen movie turned out to be good, making all of the turtles invested in the plot. As the movie neared its halfway point Don happened to glance at the eldest, noticing that he was having trouble keeping his eyes open. That couldn't be because he found the movie boring- Don was pretty sure the plot was to Leo’s liking, but it seemed like the leader was too tired to focus on it. 

Don decided to not say anything; if he let Leo be, maybe he’d fall asleep. That certainly seemed like something he needed to do. His attention slid back to the movie.

Only when Leo suddenly sat up straight with a small gasp did his attention snap back to his brother. Leo was blinking rapidly, holding tightly onto the edge of the sofa, but otherwise he was quickly in control of himself again, glancing around to see if he had drawn any attention to himself. Don looked back to the screen, pretending like he hadn’t noticed.

“I think I’ll try to take a nap,” Leo announced a short moment later, standing up. 

The remaining brothers looked after the retreating turtle before glancing at each other.

“Did anyone else notice how he could barely keep his eyes open?” Mikey asked, the movie playing in the background forgotten.

“Yes,” Don answered. “He did say he had stayed up late…”

“He broke a tea cup earlier,” Mikey mused. “Don’t think I’ve ever seen him break one before. He’s usually just breaking the toaster with only his presence, not dropping things.”

“If he’s still seeing the nightmares and losing sleep because of them, he’s not admitting it to us,” Don sighed. “Stubborn.”

“I’ll check on him tonight,” Raph grumbled, turning back to the movie.

* * *

True to his word, Raph stayed up a bit later than he usually would, lazily going through some of Mikey’s comics to pass the time. Once his eyelids started to feel heavy, he decided to check on Leo and then get some sleep himself.

Leo’s door was closed, and Raph stood in front of it for a short moment, listening. Not a sound could be heard, and he didn’t bother knocking as he carefully pushed the door open. 

Leo’s bed was empty. Confused, he turned away from the door, heading towards the stairs. He didn’t need to take more than the first step to see that the kitchen light was on. Why was Leo always in the kitchen when Raph was trying to check on him?

In a few steps Raph reached the lit room, seeing Leo standing next to the kitchen table, the table still covered with various maps. He was leaning over the table, reaching for one of the maps on the other side of the table, when Raph cleared his throat.

Startled, Leo dropped the pen he was holding, his head whirling around to look at Raph. Once he recognized his brother, his tense shoulders relaxed, and he sighed, the simple exhale sounding slightly irritated.

“At least this time you have the lights on,” Raph commented dryly.

Leo said nothing, turning his attention back to the maps. The leader was fully geared, his swords strapped over his shell. Raph noticed a small backpack by Leo’s feet, and could see a few rolled-up maps sticking from it. There was a flashlight strapped to Leo’s belt. He frowned.

“You going somewhere?”

“Not far,” Leo said, casually, like there was nothing wrong with him sneaking out of the lair by himself. Leo grabbed one more map before bending down to get the backpack, and turned away from the table, walking towards the doorway where Raph was standing. Before he could walk past Raph, the younger turtle stepped in front of him to block his way.

“Alone? Without bothering to mention it to any of us?”

“You never bother mentioning it to me when you go topside alone,” Leo said, his tone suddenly biting. “I’ll be staying down in the sewers.”

Leo tried to push past Raph, but he grabbed Leo’s shoulder, keeping him in place.

“Woah, got some attitude there.” Raph eyed his brother, seeing the exhaustion and beginnings of anger in his eyes. For once Raph decided to not get angry, and kept his voice calm when he continued. “We’d cover more ground if we went together. And we’d cover it faster if we did it while we weren’t sleep-deprived.”

The last part was a jab at Leo and his current condition, but his brother didn’t seem to even catch it. “Yes, we would,” Leo agreed, the heat still in his voice as he shook Raph’s hand off of his shoulder, “but I’m the only one with the problem. I’ll figure it out and we’ll be rid of it-”

“Just because it’s bothering only you doesn’t mean we couldn’t take care of it together,” Raph huffed, starting to feel annoyed. “You’re even more of a martyr than usual when you’re exhausted. Come on, if you’re having trouble falling asleep, I’ll help you figure out something.”

Leo averted his gaze. “It’s not about falling asleep,” he said, softer now. “I just… can’t sleep, not before I figure this out.”

Raph let out an exasperated sigh. “Just try to get some rest, and we’ll go tomorrow, right after practice. Or we’ll skip practice and just go when we’re all up. Alright?”

Leonardo looked hesitant, glanced at the maps, then back at Raph. He seemed to realize that Raph wouldn’t let him go out alone, so with a sigh he stepped back into the kitchen, letting his backpack fall back on the floor.

“Happy?” Leo asked dryly.

“The moment I see you go back to your room,” Raph said, feeling like their roles were reversed. Leo was usually the one stopping him from leaving the lair alone, telling him to go back to his room. 

Leo turned to walk past him again when Raph remembered Don mentioning that if Leo was still seeing the nightmare, he wouldn’t admit it. But hadn’t he pretty much just admitted it by saying that he couldn’t sleep? He couldn’t be sure if it was the dreams or Leo’s need to know the cause of this that was keeping him awake, but he knew his brother needed company right now. Leo just didn’t know how to ask- or maybe just didn’t allow himself to ask. Raph had spent far too many nights staring at the ceiling of his room, unable to catch sleep, but too stubborn to go to any of them, so he knew how that felt.

But something about the latest nightmares had made him push through that stubbornness. Did Leo feel like he was above going to his brothers for comfort? Annoyement washed over him, the feeling strong now, but again he pushed it down, now struggling with what to say to Leo. He cursed both himself and Leo in his head as he struggled with words, but ended up just forcing it out before Leo could leave the room.

“Actually, I think it’d be best if ya slept with one of us tonight. So we’ll know if ya try to sneak out again.”

It was supposed to be an invitation, Leo could come to his room if he wanted or needed to, but to Raph it came out sounding like he was pushing Leo and his problems to their younger brothers. Leo pausing and narrowing his eyes at him only strengthened that feeling.

“You could come with me,” Raph forced himself to add. Damn, without any bad dreams as an excuse, this was awkward. But Leo was the one with the bad dreams. _He_ was supposed to be the one struggling with these words- maybe he really didn’t want Raph’s company. Too high and mighty for it. Raph growled at the thought, already turning around to stomp back into his room- 

Leo’s hand on his shoulder stopped him.

“Raph, I’m not going anywhere,” Leo told him softly. “You… made me realize that this was a bad idea.”

Raph only huffed, not looking at his brother. 

“Thank you for looking out for me,” Leo continued, squeezing his shoulder lightly. He sighed quietly before continuing. “Sorry for being snappy.”

“Hey, that wasn’t even close to becoming a fight.” 

Leo answered with half of a smile. “I’ll meditate for a moment. I won’t be going anywhere tonight, I promise.”

Well, meditation was a lot closer to sleep than running around in the sewers. 

“Fine, but I’m taking this,” Raph said, turning around and stepping forward to take Leo’s backpack from the floor. “No point going out there without the maps. Should keep ya from leaving.”

Leo didn’t break his promises, but this way his brother wouldn’t be even tempted to break the one he had just made. Leo’s shoulders sagged a little as he looked at the maps taken away from him, but he nodded. He couldn’t protest, not after having made the promise to stay. With that Leo exited the kitchen, glancing over his shoulder to see if Raph was heading into his own room. Raph shut off the lights of the kitchen, following after his brother. Once Leo saw that, he headed towards his room. Not to sleep, Raph knew, but at least he wouldn’t leave on his own now. Hopefully Leo would fall asleep even without meaning to, since now he couldn’t leave or study the maps.

Once he reached the top of the stairs, Leo paused. He turned to look at Raph who wasn’t far behind.

“Raph… do you ever think… have you ever thought I could purposely hurt you?”

The question was asked with vulnerability. Raph tilted his head, not knowing where this was coming all of a sudden.

“Well, ya know how we get when we _really_ fight about something-”

“I don’t mean words,” Leo added quietly, making Raph shut his mouth. 

Suddenly Leo winced, lifting a hand to hold the side of his head. 

“Leo?” In a few hurried steps Raph was next to his brother. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Leo huffed, lowering his hand. “Just a headache.”

“Yeah, ya get those when ya don’t get enough sleep,” Raph said, not really liking the current state his brother was in. “What was up with the question?”

Leo shook his head, then winced again when the movement seemed to hurt him. Whatever wall Leo had just lowered, it had been built back up, and his brother was turning away from him.

“It doesn’t matter,” Leo said, his voice cold again. “I’ll make sure it doesn’t matter.”

Once again Raph stared after him until Leo disappeared into his room. He could’ve stopped him, but he had seen the look in Leo’s eyes- the leader wouldn’t talk about his question. Gritting his teeth Raph walked towards his own bedroom. Was the question because of the nightmares? Did Leo have a reason to believe that he’d- _hurt_ them? He should’ve just made Leo spit out what was bothering him. If it really was still about the nightmare, the rest of them should be working on solving this as well. Goddamn Leo and his inability to ask for help. It was difficult to offer company or help when Leo was so eager to refuse it. It always took a fight to make the leader admit anything. Leo had spent half of his night keeping Raph company when his nightmares had gotten particularly awful, but Leo was alone in his room now.

Raph punched his pillow. Tomorrow they’d find a way to put an end to this, by going through the whole sewer system if that was what Leo needed. It was worrisome that Leo was becoming so sleep-deprived, but they wouldn’t be going topside. If there was some kind of a threat in one of the tunnels, they’d get as much info as they could and retreat to plan. Leo was hell of a fighter even when unwell or injured, but for once Raph would rather back off and see what they were up against rather than face something unknown when the team wasn’t at its best.

‘ _Geez, he’s really rubbing on me tonight. First I’m telling him to go into his room, now I’m making plans that include a possible retreat._ ’ 

He just hoped Leo wouldn’t be in such a snappy mood tomorrow. Of course Leo had sounded more like himself once Raph had been about to storm off, but if he kept that annoying _I have to solve everything by myself_ attitude up, Raph couldn’t help himself from picking up a fight. And that wasn’t probably what they needed right now. It _could_ make Leo spill out everything, or then he’d just shut himself off from them. And they didn’t need that. 

It wasn’t like he didn’t remember how the nightmares had made him feel- the lack of sleep had made him irritated as well, and the fact that something had caused him to feel _afraid_ was the thing that had aggrieved him the most. It was just the way Leo tried to handle the situation, thinking he had to take care of everything himself. Raph had sought his brother’s comfort when he had had a nightmare, why couldn’t Leo do the same? Did he think he wasn’t affected by the nightmares the way the rest of them were? That being affected by it was a flaw - a flaw he couldn’t have? That he was so much better than them?

“Damn annoying,” Raph mumbled against his pillow, finally letting his eyes close.


	4. Haunts you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the reviews! Here's another chapter<3 It's hard to edit old stories when you're already so done with them, but I'm trying to not be too harsh on my writing. If I am, the story will never get finished. xD

If Leonardo had been a bit snappy during the conversation last night, now the leader was just radiating _don’t talk to me_ vibes. He hadn’t shown up to breakfast, and the moment his brothers had entered the dojo for morning practice, he had harshly ordered them to start. Raph hadn’t even had a chance to ask if Leo wanted to go search the tunnels- Leo didn’t say anything about them, like the whole idea to go there had been forgotten. Stretching had been done in a hurry, and as soon as they were done with them, Leo was wielding his swords, telling his brothers to attack him, all at the same time.

Raph had glanced at his brothers, who had only shrugged at him. 

Leo’s movements and attacks were sloppy, not as precise as usual, but still as lethal. More than once his swords cut a bit too close, and usually they wouldn’t be worried about Leo accidentally cutting one of them, but it seemed like Leo had thrown his usual care out of the window.

The lack of coordination in his moves was actually making his attacks that much more dangerous, and the three brothers attacking him had to put in more work to even be able to get close to the leader, even though Leo clearly wasn’t at his best. They were attacking together, closing in on Leo on all sides, yet the sword-wielder managed to step out of their reach every time.

It was starting to get frustrating, and with a loud yell Raph dove towards his brother, who managed to kick him away. Raph landed on his feet, meeting Leo’s narrowed eyes. 

“Don’t attack recklessly!” Leo commanded, jumping towards his brother, their weapons clashing together. Thanks to his momentum, Leo was able to push Raph back, the younger stumbling a little, almost falling over. “You need to _defend_ yourself. Are you doing that right now?”

Leo pushed his attack, ready to strike at Raph again, but he had to twist his body to the side to counter Mikey’s attack. Leo’s arms trembled as he fought off the youngest, fighting against three opponents was starting to get to him, but he managed to throw him aside. Immediately Leo jumped back after him, and Mikey wasn’t quite able to dodge the next swing of the blade. It cut his arm, not deeply, but enough to halt all of them. Drawing blood during practice wasn’t unheard of, but it didn’t happen often, as all of them obviously always tried to avoid it. 

Leonardo’s eyes widened; there was a look of devastation on his face. They had seen many injuries and could tell with just one glance that the cut wasn’t deep, but Leo seemed shocked as he stared at the thin lines of blood. 

“Ow.” Mikey lifted his arm to inspect the wound. The cut barely stung, so Mikey continued jokingly. “Geez, Leo, trying to _cut me up_ first thing in the morning-”

Before he could continue, Leo pounced on him. He fell on his shell with a thud and a muffled _oof,_ blinking up to see Leo’s angry face above him.

“Don’t _say_ that,” Leo said, like he had taken Mikey’s words seriously. “It wasn’t done on purpose! I _wouldn’t_ do that! I- this- this is _exactly_ why you should know when to defend and when to attack – look at what happens when you don’t, when you freeze up! Look at what I- what I almost did-”

Before he could finish, Donatello connected with his side, sending him away from Michelangelo’s prone form. Leonardo gathered his legs back under himself quickly, but rather than stopping, he attacked again. His blades sank into the wooden surface of Don’s weapon, the genius startled from the angry look his brother was giving him.

“Raph, why are you just standing around? Attack me!” Leo ordered roughly, kicking Don’s legs from under him. “I told you to _attack_ me! Fight _back!_ ”

With a growl Raph dashed towards Leo. “Ya want an attack?” As expected, Leo dodged his first strike, but Raph used the same move Leo had used. He kicked at Leo’s legs, and as the leader stumbled, Don, who was lying close, used his bō to steal Leo of his remaining balance. 

The moment the leader went down Raph pounced on top of him, holding him down by his shoulders. They were both breathing hard as they stared into each other’s eyes.

“The hell,” Raph breathed out, “is going on with you, Leo?”

“Yeah,” Mikey joined the conversation, breathless as well. “You’d usually be talking about how important it is to stretch properly, that we need to train our balance and stealth and bla bla, but now it’s literally about nothing but attacking – about attacking you!” 

Leonardo closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Because- because. I...” His eyes opened, the look in them not as mindless as it had been a moment ago, but his head tilted away from his brothers. “Every time I sleep, I see the same thing. The same threat with swords, and I can never do anything about it. It catches you, every time. And I have to watch.”

The pain was clearly audible in his voice. “I thought… if I knew you could defend yourself against it, the dreams would go away… but- but they don’t, they just _don’t._ ”

Don stood up and moved closer to them, signaling for Raph to get off of Leo. Raph didn’t hesitate to move, and together with Don they helped Leo sit up. Leo kept his head bowed down, staring at the floor.

“Talk to us, Leo,” Don urged gently.

“What I said last night, I meant it literally,” Leo said, glancing up at Raph. “It’s not that I’m not _letting_ myself sleep. I just… can’t.”

Leo lifted his hands, hiding his face in them. “I had this suspicion, when you were still seeing the nightmares. Every time I woke up from my own dream, it would take just seconds for the rest of you to wake up as well. At first I thought it was just a coincidence, but it kept happening… I tested it out after our group meditation, and I was right- if I didn’t sleep, none of you woke up because of a nightmare. When I tried to sleep, you all saw the nightmare again.”

“So ya just stopped sleeping? Really wise, Leo!” Raph grunted out, letting go of his brother to cross his arms over his chest.

“As you said, it could’ve just been coincidence,” Don said. “Just because we didn’t happen to have any nightmares that night you decided to test it-”

“Have you seen the nightmare since?” Leo asked quietly, lifting his gaze. No one said anything, because the answer was obvious. They hadn’t.

“So you haven’t slept since we stopped seeing the dreams?” Don asked, truly worried now.

“I’ve had naps during the day, when you’re awake. When you can’t see the nightmares,” Leo said, “but they’re not very helpful, since I still keep seeing the same things. But- but the fact that you dreamt of being chased and I dream of the chaser- and when I don’t sleep, you don’t see the dream- t-there has to be a meaning, right?”

Leo’s voice wavered. His eyes searched for something when he looked at his brothers. For an answer, and explanation. When none came, he lowered his head again, holding it between both hands.

“It’s always a sword. It looks like my katana. _It’s always a sword-_ ”

Leo’s voice broke – it felt like the dam had finally broken, and Leo could no longer carry his despair alone. They understood the leader’s worry now- that he couldn’t stop the threat, the he was somehow connected to the threat. That _Leo_ himself could be a threat to them. 

Don, who was still resting his hand on Leo’s shoulder, pulled him closer in an attempt to bring him some comfort. Leo leaned against him.

“Leo,” he began with a sad voice, “we know you would _never_ hurt us. You’ve always protected us, and I don’t see why that would ever change. You should’ve told us about this. This has been going on for too long.”

“I had it under control... I could slow the chaser down… but now, when I sleep, I can’t do anything. I can’t stop thinking about the tunnels. It’s like it’s both pushing me away and telling me to find it.” Leo shook his head. “It- it has to be some kind of a warning. Won’t let me sleep before I figure it out.”

Don glanced at Raph and Mikey, concern written all over his face. This wasn’t okay, not at all; Leo hadn’t had proper sleep in days, in almost a _week._ Not sleeping was a serious risk to his health, and the content of his dreams was a risk to his mental health. By the sound of it, the dreams were starting to get worse, and the more sleep-deprived Leo became, the harder it would be for him to separate his dreams from reality.

It was obvious that Leo needed undisturbed sleep so that his mind and body could start recovering, but that was the problem- how to make Leo sleep without the constant nightmares?

“First of all, you need sleep, and I could give you something,” Donatello offered gently. “You would sleep without any dreams.”

“It wouldn’t solve anything,” Leonardo shot the idea down, as expected. They all hated sedatives. 

“That’s not the intention,” Don said. “You’re seriously sleep deprived, to the point where it’s affecting your _health._ ”

Donatello grabbed his hand, bringing it up so that Leonardo noticed the way it was shaking. “Your skin feels cold and you’re shaking. You _need_ to sleep, Leo. I’m sure you’d feel better, even if it’s just for a few hours. Have you stopped to consider that maybe these dreams are still continuing because you’re exhausted and under a lot of stress, only making it more likely to have repeating nightmares?”

Leonardo stared down at his own hand, and Donatello could tell that he hadn’t even noticed the tremble in his limbs. It only made him worry more.

“I… I… can’t...” 

“I know the dreams and that place are bothering you, of course they are” Don kept talking, “We already agreed to check out the sewers together, to find that specific tunnel, and we’ll do that as soon as you’re a bit more rested. We can’t do that if you’re in this shape. But once you sleep and that doesn’t help, we’ll do everything to figure out what’s going on.”

Leonardo lowered his gaze, and Donatello knew he had him. “Just for a few hours, Leo.”

Exhaustion won, since Leo sighed and nodded. “Just for a few hours,” he repeated slowly. Before he could change his mind Don drew away from him, glancing at Raph. His brother got the silent message, kneeling next to them to help him get Leo on his feet. The eldest didn’t protest the aid he was getting, leaning into their touch instead. It told them how bad off their brother was. 

They took Leo into his room, and while Raph and Mikey helped him down on his bed, Don headed to his lab. When Mikey was drawing a blanket over Leo, Don returned with the sedative. 

Donatello kneeled next to the bed, the syringe in his hand, when Leonardo suddenly grabbed his wrist.

“Don- if- if I do end up seeing something, will this drug prevent me from waking up?” 

Leo sounded hesitant, like he was sorry to doubt his brother. Don’s heart ached at how small Leo’s voice was, sounding almost scared. But he had a valid reason to be scared- Don hadn’t even thought of that, but now he was imagining how horrible it would be to be stuck in the nightmare with no way of waking up. He remembered the dreams well himself, could not forget even if he wanted to, but the way Leo had described his own- yeah, it was almost worse. To stand helpless while others suffered. Still, it was startling to see the dreams affect Leo like this. Perhaps they had gotten too used to the leader rarely showing what he really felt. He was too good at hiding his fears, but now his sleep deprivation was forcing them out.

Thought, it wasn’t like Don could say anything about fear. He had been running to his brothers for comfort every time one of the worst of nightmares had struck, but Leo was holding his wrist like he had been driven into a corner, like he couldn’t _stand_ the thought of seeing another nightmare. Leonardo was a very rational turtle, he knew nobody could go on without sleep for very long, but the dreams had been bad enough to make him forget common sense. 

“It’ll completely knock you out; you won’t be seeing anything,” Don reassured his brother. The dose he was giving him would definitely make sure of that. The high dose would also make his brother sleep more than just a few hours, something that the leader desperately needed. If Leo decided to complain about that later, he’d endure it; right now Leo just needed rest. He had needed it a long time ago. 

Leonardo nodded at his words, completely trusting him, and allowed his hold on Don’s wrist to drop. Donatello couldn’t help feeling touched at the show of utter trust. Obviously the trust between them was strong, but when one was this exhausted, this _desperate,_ yet immediately believed his words… Once the sedative had been administered Don sat on the edge of the bed, holding Leo’s hand in his own as they waited for the drug to take effect. It didn’t take long before Leo’s eyes were drooping.

“You… you know I wouldn’t hurt you, right?” Leo mumbled, his words slurred. “I’d… I w… wouldn’t...”

“We know, Leo,” Don hushed him. “We know. Everything’s okay; just sleep.”

“Maybe I… didn’t… enough...”

The rest of his words became intelligible as he drifted off. Don stared at his face for a moment, wondering what he had been trying to say. He touched Leo’s neck to feel his pulse. Everything seemed to be alright with him.

Once Don made sure that Leo was resting easily, he turned to his brothers. The question was – what now? Was there something they could do while Leo slept? Leo had been eager to find the location where the dreams had been happening, feeling like he should go there, but it felt a bit pointless to start the search without him. Don didn’t even remember much of the surroundings of the dream. What he did remember were the screams, the pain-

Maybe, once he was rested and in his right mind again, Leo would have given up on his need to find an explanation to the dreams. Maybe this was all still haunting him because he couldn’t let go of this. His habit to stress things and the increasing lack of sleep had sent him on a cycle that had kept him seeing the nightmares. 

And if Leo did want to keep searching for the cause, then they would search for it. 

“He said something like that to me last night,” Raph mumbled once Don turned to look at him and Mikey. “Asked if I had ever thought that he could hurt us.”

“He was really startled after cutting me,” Mikey said quietly. The wound in his arm had really been just a scratch; it had stopped bleeding a long while ago. “No wonder if he had been seeing that stuff.”

“Leo's really stressed,” Don agreed. “Was Master Splinter right? Did Leo’s fear of hurting us carry on into our dreams, make us dream about being chased?”

“It’d explain why we stopped seeing them when he stopped sleeping,” Mikey agreed.

Raph just shook his head. “And he’s supposed to make _good_ decisions.”

“At least he finally told us,” Don said.

“Yeah, well, only because…” Raph trailed off. “...It looked like it became too much to bear.”

They stayed quiet for a moment before eventually leaving the room. While Leonardo slept, the rest of the brothers decided that they needed to tell Splinter about the situation. Once they were in their Master’s room he listened to them patiently, but they could see that their Father was worried from the way he bowed his head, how his tail moved behind his back restlessly. 

“I had a feeling I should’ve talked with Leonardo,” Splinter sighed. “But instead of dwelling on what could’ve been done, we should move forward and think of what we can do now. I would suggest you have another group meditation session once your brother wakes up, even if this is affecting only one of you now.”

“We don’t even know if the first helped any,” Raph grunted. “The only reason we’re not seeing the dreams anymore is because Leo’s not sleeping. At least that’s Leo’s theory.”

“If he’s right, he’s the one whose dreams were affecting us,” Mikey said, poking Raph with his elbow, trying to lighten the mood even a little. “You were wrong about it being me!”

“Well, meditation is the closest you can get to someone,” Don mused. “That way, we could maybe find out what’s causing Leo’s dreams.”

“Yes. Our dreams come from our subconscious mind- a part of ourselves we do not always have control over,” Splinter agreed.

“If only he lets us close,” Mikey said. “He wasn’t exactly doing that the last time we tried that.”

“And ya guys call _me_ stubborn,” Raph huffed.

“Because you are,” Mikey said, “ _all_ of you are.” He glanced at Don to make him know that he was included in that sentence. Everyone in the family seemed to have the habit of hiding their worries until they became too much to carry alone.

Splinter caught onto his words, “This is exactly why the group meditation would do good for _all_ of you. You have a very special connection already, but you’re often shying away from it. Being open with your team, and more importantly, with your _family,_ helps to keep that connection strong.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Raph said, having heard the word _connection_ for far too many times already. He wasn’t too keen on the meditation thing, not quite liking it that he had to let anyone so close to himself during the session. It _had_ been comforting to feel his brothers close, but enough was enough. That comfort was nice every once in a while, but Raph needed his personal space. But since one of them was still suffering, he was more than ready to try it again. He just didn’t want to hear more talk about _strengthening the bond they shared_ and yada yada. “We’ll be trying it once Leo wakes up. I’m gonna go check on him.”

Master Splinter nodded, giving him permission to leave. Don and Mikey glanced after him, and their Father told them to go as well, knowing they were eager to see if their brother was alright. The old rat smiled to himself after his sons left; the turtles were truly protective of each other if one of them was unwell. The ninja-master could sense that not all was well within their home, even though he had allowed himself to believe so after three of his sons had stopped seeing the nightmares. One of them was still suffering, but luckily he had three brothers to take care of him.

Leonardo was still sleeping, the high dose Donatello had given him making sure of that. They didn't know what was going on inside his head, but at least he didn’t look like he was in pain or experiencing any discomfort. 

“We could meditate here,” Don suggested, looking around the room. “Leo’s most comfortable meditating here, and we already have all we need. We could make it ready for when he wakes up.”

“He needs to eat something before we do that,” Mikey said, suddenly excited as he stood up. “Can’t meditate on an empty stomach. How long until he wakes up?”

Don glanced at Leo, then at the clock on his wall. “Well, it’s hard to say, but he shouldn’t be up at least in a few hours. I don’t want to wake him up either; he should sleep as long as his body lets him.”

“Alright, I’ll put something in the oven in a couple of hours. You guys wanna play something while we wait?”

* * *

The next three hours went by with various card games and Mikey’s game consoles. Don hadn’t gone to his lab, and Raph hadn’t headed to the dojo. They all felt better being in the same room while Leo slept. The youngest had disappeared into the kitchen when he had started complaining about his empty stomach, leaving Raph and Don to shuffle the cards for another round.

Just as Raph was starting to get fed up with sitting still and doing nothing but playing, Leo stirred. His eyes opened once, but slid back shut. His teeth were gritted together, and they could see that his hand was gripping the blanket draped over him. He didn’t seem to be fully awake, and by the way Leo had tensed up, they could both tell that another nightmare had captured their brother.

Don got up first, laying his hand on Leo’s arm, gently shaking him. “Leo, wake up. You’re just dreaming. Wake up!”

Almost immediately Leo’s eyes opened fully, his breath caught in his throat. The moment he focused on Don’s face he seemed to relax, slowly inhaling instead of holding his breath. Worried that he had been wrong and Leo had been caught in a nightmare even before they had noticed him reacting to it, Don kept his hold on Leo’s arm.

“Leo? You okay?”

Leo exhaled slowly, nodding. “Yeah. I think the nightmare was just beginning. I can barely even remember it.”

Leo tried to push himself up, but he tilted to the side, and Don eased him back down.

“Easy. The sedative is still affecting you,” Don explained calmly. Leo nodded, blinking slowly, rubbing the back of his hand over his eyes. “You shouldn’t even be awake yet.” The sedative’s effect should’ve lasted longer.

“How long was I out?” His voice sounded steadier than it had this morning.

“Almost five hours,” Don answered. “Not enough to get rid of your sleep debt, but it’s a start. So… you didn’t have any nightmares… besides the one just now?”

Leo shook his head. “Not that I remember. I do feel a bit better now. Slightly dizzy, but… more rested.”

“Not planning on running on your own into the sewers?” Raph asked dryly, gaining a sheepish glance from Leo.

“I know you’ve agreed to come with me,” Leo said quietly, “so no.”

“Hey!” Mikey suddenly called from the door. “Why didn’t anyone tell me he woke up? Leo!”

As Mikey dashed towards the eldest Don moved out of the way, just in time to not get caught in the bear hug. Raph shook his head and Don smiled at them. “He just woke up, Mikey. You didn’t miss anything.”

“Good,” Mikey said as he drew away from Leo, giving him a big smile. “Good timing, too. The food’s almost ready.”

Leo answered the smile hesitantly. “It smells good, even in here.” Then he sobered up again. “Mikey… are you okay? Did I-”

“Oh, don’t even ask! I’m fine! How are _you_ feeling?”

“Better,” Leo said, and they could tell he meant it. He wasn’t as pale anymore, and after a moment of recovering from the sedative’s effects he was able to sit up and walk to the kitchen on his own. He wasn’t very talkative while they ate, but nobody blamed him for that. The drug wasn’t completely out of his system, making his movements slightly sluggish, but his hands weren’t shaking anymore. Even though Leo seemed to be doing better, the nightmare-thing was still a problem, and Don couldn’t keep drugging him just so that Leo could sleep. That had been just a quick, one-time fix.

That’s why they headed back to Leo’s room as soon as the food was finished, Leo giving his siblings a confused look when they headed upstairs instead of the exit of the lair.

“I thought we’d go look for the tunnel?” Leo sounded unsure, a bit suspecting, like he thought he had been lied to.

“Master Splinter suggested that we should try that meditation thing again,” Mikey said.

“If it doesn’t work it means that there’s something going on, and we’ll go look for the tunnel to see if we could find any clues there,” Don promised. Raph placed a hand over Leo’s shell, pushing him towards the stairs. Leo didn’t really have any room to protest, since all three of his brothers were guiding his steps towards his bedroom.

Once the candles had been put in place, the turtles took their positions on the floor. Their first try hadn’t been very successful, but their second attempt had been much better, even if it hadn’t been perfect. They’d just need to repeat what they did then, and not let Leo shy away from them. They focused on each other like they had done on their second try, quickly finding each other, sticking close.

Leo, just like before, was having trouble staying close to his brothers. Here they could sense the hesitation coming from the eldest, the fear he was feeling. Carefully they reached for him to not startle him away, tried to pull him in to soothe his fears, but Leo was as stubborn in meditation as he was in the waking world. His spirit was telling them to stay away, not letting them get too close.

Mikey was determined to help their brother, who had shielded him from nightmares so many times. Especially after the happening in the dojo, having seen the shock on Leo’s face after he had cut him- he never wanted to see that again, never wanted Leo to fear like that. He pushed forward, reaching for Leo, so close to the wavering light of his form-

The darkness surrounding him took him completely by surprise. Perhaps it shouldn’t have- this same thing had happened the first time he had reached for Leo. But he wasn’t focused on that; the dark tunnel was bringing back awful memories. He realized he was shaking already, the familiarity of the setting burned into his mind too well. Why was this happening again? Since he had been reaching for Leo, shouldn’t he be seeing his version of the nightmare, not this? 

He glanced around. His brothers had been here just a moment ago, but now he was alone. No, not alone. The footsteps were here- they were always here. Before he even thought about it, he was running again. He needed to get away, needed to figure out how to get out of here-

No, they weren’t supposed to run anymore. That’s why this kept on happening. They were supposed to face this. But not alone. And he _was_ alone. Still his steps faltered, he slowed down despite still hearing the footsteps following him. He knew what happened when they’d catch up to him, but if he kept running, he’d _always_ be running. He needed to be strong. Maybe his own remaining fears were affecting Leo, perhaps Don and Raph as well, and if he couldn’t beat them, they would keep suffering. If he faced his fear, or at least saw what exactly it was that was chasing him, he could find out a way to help Leo.

That gave him enough bravery to stop and turn around to face his pursuer. He didn’t do it without bracing himself, ready to fight back- he wished he had his weapons, but he could put up a fight even without them. 

The footsteps slowed down, like his pursuer had understood that its prey had slowed down. Mikey could feel his heart beating wildly against his chest – why couldn’t it just show itself already? It was coming closer agonizingly slowly, not in a hurry anymore. The anticipation was almost worse than the chase before. Mikey swallowed, keeping his fists raised in front of him in a defensive position. 

The attack was too fast for him to register- it jumped from the dark, took him down easily. His shell connected with the wet ground with a solid thud, the air in his lungs momentarily leaving him as a heavy weight pressed down on his plastron. He whipped his head up in order to see the attacker, his eyes widening in surprise.

Leonardo had his leg pressed down on his chest, swords held in his hands. Both blades were dripping with blood, and most of Leo’s skin was coated with it. Mikey stared up at his face, where Leo wore a lopsided smirk, staring right back into his eyes. 

“I think,” Leo spoke with a calm voice, lifting his left sword, “that you should’ve kept running.” 

Mikey lifted his hands up to shield his face, screaming in agony when the blade of the sword sank into the muscles of his arm. His scream died when warm blood splattered down over his face. He tried to throw Leo off of him, but he had planted himself firmly on top of him. The blade sank deeper, tearing another scream out of him, the taste of blood clear on his tongue now. He couldn’t do anything but bear the pain, even when he felt something push against him, sending him off balance. But he had already been lying down, how was it possible for him to fall again-?

He opened his eyes, realizing he was surrounded by candles and his brothers. He was back in Leo’s room, lying on his side. He scrambled up quickly, seeing that both Raph and Don were dragging themselves back up into a sitting position as well. Leo was in the process of scooting away from them, his shell turned to them, holding his head between his hands.

“No,” Leo was whispering to himself. “No. _No._ ”

“W-what happened?” Mikey managed to ask, noticing he was shaking. “Leo?”

Upon hearing his name, Leo drew away more. “Stay away,” he whispered hoarsely.

“What the hell was that?” Raph asked, reaching for Leo, who was still hunched over. “I- I saw the tunnel again, and I think- I think I saw _you_ , Leo-”

His hand touched Leo’s shoulder, and immediately the leader whirled around, slapping his hand away.

“Don’t touch me,” Leo hissed, his eyes narrowed. “Stay away.”

“Leo, calm down,” Don tried, carefully scooting closer to him as well. “Everything’s okay- whatever just happened was... but- but we just need to talk about it-”

“I thought I was just seeing it through someone else’s eyes- I thought all of this was a warning that _something_ was coming after you.” Leo’s words were coming out fast. “Some… some nights I feared it _really_ was me, that’s why I pushed you so hard with the unarming... but I… I would _never_ hurt you, so I… I thought the nightmares were just- well, nightmares. A warning.”

Leonardo lifted his gaze, his eyes full of pain when he looked at Michelangelo. “And they _were!_ I was _wrong._ I _did_ hurt you. This time it really was me- my hand, my sword, my- voice.” Leo looked away in a mixture of disbelief and fear when he recalled what he had said. “All this time… all this time it’s been me… I just- I just couldn’t accept that I’d _ever-_ ” 

“Just chill, bro,” Mikey tried, hating to see Leo like this. He was still shaken, but there had to be an explanation to all of this. He had heard Leo’s voice, had seen him as well, but it _couldn’t_ have been him. “We’ll figure this out, it’s alright!”

“It’s _not!_ ” Leo snapped, opening his eyes to glare- but his gaze didn’t focus on any of them, staring past them, his eyes almost glassy. Like he wasn’t focusing on anything in the room. “I should’ve realized. I- I’ve been _stupid_ for long enough. I can’t let this keep happening.”

Leonardo stood up, but it was clear that he wasn’t in his right mind, so Raphael reached for his arm to stop him from leaving. As soon as his fingers brushed Leonardo’s skin, the leader slapped his hand away.

“I told you to _stay away!_ ” Leo yelled, dashing towards the door. As he went, he grabbed his sheathed swords lying against the wall.

“Crap,” Raph cursed, hurrying to the door, “now he’s gone totally loco.”

“Come on, we need to go after him,” Don said, standing up, offering his hand to Mikey to pull him up as well. 

“Guys, I… I really did see Leo,” Mikey said carefully as he stood. “I know there’s something weird going on- Leo would never… _act_ like that, but…”

“I saw him as well,” Raph said grimly, but knowing it wasn’t stopping him from going after Leo. “Now hurry up.”

“What we saw wasn’t real,” Don reminded them while they ran out of the room. “You know how exhausted he was. He’s made this fear real for himself, and now that we were connected spiritually, we were connected to what Leo is now believing in. At- at least that’s the best theory I can come up with.”

“Of course it wasn’t real, brainiac,” Raph said, jumping down the stairs. “But it seems like it was pretty real to _Leo._ ”

“Even more reasons to catch up to him,” Don said, jumping after his brother. “Before he does something stupid. Leo!”

He tried to call after their brother, only to hear the sound of the lair’s entrance doors closing. The genius cursed softly to himself, heading for the kitchen for their spare flashlights. They couldn’t run right after their brother without them. But he heard Raph’s heavy steps going for the entrance anyway- they all knew it was useless by now, even though Leo’s head start was this small, it was enough for Leo to disappear. 

Mikey followed Don into the kitchen, finding his brother going through the maps on the table.

“You think he’s looking for the tunnel? Even though he was… you know… like that.”

“Not in his right mind?” Don supplied. “Yes, I think so.”

“He doesn’t have the maps he drew,” Raph said from the doorway, having returned from the entrance of the lair. He must’ve realized he couldn’t find Leo in the dark. “They’re in the backpack that’s on lockdown in my room.” 

“Leo’s got a good memory, he probably doesn’t need them. Besides, that was just something to help him with the search- I bet a carefully planned search isn’t on his mind right now,” Don muttered. “We need to hurry, even if he’s not at his best, he can run pretty fast.”

“Great. Absolutely fantastic- how the hell are we going to find him?” Raph shook his head. “We know that if Leo doesn’t want to be found, he won’t be found.”

“He thinks he’s a real danger to us, so he’s going to try hard to get away,” Don said. “But if we hurry, we can find him. And if you do find him, don’t yell at him. Just try to talk to him.” The last part was said while glancing at Raph, who only grunted to say he understood. 

“Now I regret that we let him rest,” Mikey moaned, “he’ll be able to run for miles. Oh man, this is going to be a long search, isn’t it?”

“Less complaining, more moving,” Don ordered, tossing both his brothers a flashlight. “Go get the backpack with the maps and follow us then, Raph. We should all go in different directions anyway, we’re more likely to find him that way. Call if you get even a glimpse of him. Now let’s move!”

Without wasting any more time, Raph headed for his room, while Mikey and Don grabbed their weapons and ran for the entrance of the lair. Once Raph came back downstairs with the backpack, he saw Master Splinter with a confused look on his face, standing by the kitchen doorway.

“Raphael!” Splinter’s commanding tone made the turtle pause. “What is going on?”

“Leo stormed out and we’re going after him,” Raph said quickly, moving again. “Explanation later!”

The lair fell back into silence, leaving the worried rat staring at the closed doors of their home.


	5. Betrays you

Almost immediately upon leaving the lair Michelangelo and Donatello separated ways as well, heading into the opposite directions. Only after a few minutes of running Don stopped and facepalmed himself. There had been so much going on that he had forgotten. Quickly he called both Mikey’s and Raph’s shell cells.

“I don’t know how I forgot,” Don started, “but Leo’s still got his shell cell with him- I’m tracking him right now, but he’s pretty far ahead. I won’t bother calling him; he’ll only realize we can track him if I do. I’m closest to him, so I’m going ahead. Mikey, turn around and take a right turn at where that yellow graffiti is, right before the manhole cover with broken ladders is. Raph, keep going straight and then take the same turn.”

“That turn where we once found those unopened packages of frozen french fries and wondered how they had gotten in the sewer?” Mikey questioned.

Don was quiet for a short moment before answering, wondering how Mikey could be thinking about french fries right now. But it was _Mikey._ “Yes, I think so. Figures you’d remember a location because there was food there.”

“It was _unexplained_ food,” Mikey said, “and you remembered it too.” Don only shook his head as Mikey disconnected the call. At least Mikey didn’t seem too shaken about what had happened with Leo just now. But judging by the quick ending of the call, Mikey was just as focused on getting to their brother. 

“If ya get to him before we’re there, be careful, Donnie,” Raph said before disconnecting as well.

Donnie frowned as he ran. Would he really need to be careful? Well, obviously, but… for _real?_ Was Leo a danger, or just… scared that he was? He’d find soon enough, if he managed to catch up to Leo.

It was easy to watch the dots on the screen of his phone, even while running through the slippery tunnels. All four of them knew these tunnels, and Don didn’t even need to look up in order to take the right turns. Well, occasionally he had to glance up in order to not trip over something, but most of the time his eyes were glued to the screen. It seemed like Raph had caught up to Mikey, and they were running together now.

Leo’s traveling speed hadn’t changed, but he wasn’t traveling at full speed. Either his condition was catching up to him, or he didn’t think that he was being followed. 

Don had only gotten a quick glance at the map Leo had drawn, but he had a general idea where Leo would first be headed to. That allowed Don to make a few shortcuts, slowly catching up to his brother. When he glanced back at the screen, he frowned. He had expected Leo to take a right turn, but instead he had taken a left. If Don remembered right, the tunnel Leo had chosen would lead him to a dead-end. Did he remember it wrong, or did Leo remember it wrong? 

Was Leo even thinking clearly about where he was going? Maybe he wasn’t even following his map, or maybe he was changing the route as he went. Maybe he was just running blindly. Don really didn’t know what to make of his brother’s mental state right now. If Leo really believed he would hurt them, the nightmares must’ve been _awful._ And they had been going on for a while- it really wasn’t that surprising that Leo had reacted so strongly.

Leo’s dot stopped. Don didn’t slow down; either Leo had found something, or the tunnel truly was a dead end. He wasn’t far now. Just one more turn, and if Leo stayed still even a moment longer, he’d be able to see him.

The dot was moving again, but back towards the way Leo had come from, right towards him. The dot moved quickly. There was no way Leo hadn’t heard him since he was so close now, and Don pushed himself to run even faster. 

Once he jumped into the next tunnel, he almost collided with Leo. Don’s flashlight blinded Leo, who immediately lifted his hands up to shield his eyes, taking hasty steps back. He tried to disappear back into the shadows, but Don didn’t let him, his light following Leo’s retreating steps.

“Leo!” Don called for him, but had to pause in order to catch his breath. It had been a long run. “It’s just me. Please don’t try to run- let’s just talk.”

Leo halted, and Don lowered his light so that it wouldn’t blind him anymore. For a moment they just stood still, Don’s breath evening out while Leo was still trying to get his vision back after being blinded by the light, blinking harshly.

“I shouldn’t have left like that,” Leo blurted out once his vision cleared, “but you have to understand, Donnie- I’m a danger to you. It’s obvious now. I don’t know enough about what’s going on, you need to let me figure this out-”

“We’ll help you, Leo!” Donnie interrupted and took a step forward, only to make Leo take a step back. “Please let us help you. We don’t want you to deal with this – whatever this is – alone.”

“But I _have_ to,” Leo said through gritted teeth, like he was suffering just because his brother wasn’t understanding him. “I can’t stay near you. Not after _that._ So far I’ve only hurt you in- in dreams, but that wasn’t a dream. I hurt Mikey, I hurt his spiritual essence, and that’s just as bad as hurting his real body. What if next I… I...”

“We weren’t prepared for that, we didn’t know it could happen,” Don cut Leo off yet spoke calmly. Leo was clearly confused and acting without thinking; he needed to hear some sense, and needed to understand that he wouldn’t need to deal with this alone. “Now that we know that it can happen, we can prepare for it. We can make sure that it won’t happen again. We can _fix_ this- together, like we always do.”

Leonardo’s hesitation was clear on his face. That was good- it meant he wasn’t completely rejecting the help. Donatello took another step forward, but yet again Leonardo stepped back, and like Don had suspected, the tunnel was a dead end. Leo’s shell hit with the wall behind him. Since he could no longer go backwards, he sidestepped away, his shell scraping against the wall as he moved.

“Don’t come closer,” Leo ordered hastily. “There’s no preparing for this. I could attack you again- that’s what the dreams have been warning me about all this time, and you saw what happened when I ignored it. You _saw_ what happened…” Leo’s face turned desperate. “Donnie, how… how didn’t I realize it was _me_ sooner?”

It hurt, it really hurt to hear the devastation in Leo’s voice.

“You know we’ve been training our whole lives for when someone attacks us,” Don said gently. “If we have to, we can fight you. You know we can. And Leo… maybe we won’t even need to. Maybe this began as a nightmare you just happened to latch onto; it became real to you because your fear of it fed it. You’re _always_ under a lot of stress- it’s actually not that surprising that something like this happened!”

“Why would I get caught up with something like _this?_ Everyday I fight to not let anyone hurt you. Why would I- why would I have these dreams? Why would I attack Mikey?” Leo looked away. “There’s- there’s something _wrong_ with me. If I solve this, I won’t have to worry about hurting you. I can come back to you without having to fear that I’ll-”

“And you think we won’t worry about _you_ if you go alone?” Don asked, shaking his head at the way Leo thought. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Leo. You’re tired and you feel cornered. We’re all just worried about you.”

Don stepped forward, getting closer despite Leo’s warning not to, slowly shortening the distance between the two of them. “Let us take care of this, let us take care of _you,_ Leo. Let us help.”

“It’s _my_ job to protect _you,_ ” Leo said firmly. “If I have to protect you from myself, _I will._ ”

Leo seemed to collect himself, at least somehow. He took another step to the side, trying to get past Don. And Don knew Leo was faster than him; if he made one wrong move and allowed Leo to get behind him, he’d disappear into the tunnels again. It seemed like Leo hadn’t remembered, or realized that he still had his shell cell with him, but once he did, he’d surely throw it away and they’d lose their only way of finding him. He couldn’t let Leo slip past him.

“Please, Leo, you know we won’t just let you go off on your own,” Don tried pleading again. “We’ll just go after you and keep searching, and that way we’ll be in _more_ danger. We’ll be safer if you let us take you back to the lair, where we can figure this out. You’ll be safe as well, and we can watch you so you won’t hurt us. You know it’s the best solution. You _know_ it is.”

The confidence Leo had managed to gather seemed to wither away from him with Don’s words. He looked lost, knowing his brother was right. Despite that, Don knew Leo was still debating with himself, always eager to take the danger away from his family, even if it placed _him_ in danger. Don had to keep pushing in order to get Leo to make the right choice.

“You’re shaken from your nightmares, thinking things have spiraled out of control. But they haven’t. We know to be careful now.” Knowing he needed to give Leo something that resembled a plan instead of just words, he continued. “We can start by removing your swords. I’ve got my weapon, and Mikey and Raph will be here soon. _If_ something happens, us with weapons against you with no weapons shouldn’t be difficult.”

Don smiled, trying to appear reassuring and convincing, but Leo didn’t seem neither reassured nor convinced.

“I could take my swords back from you, or take _your_ weapon,” Leo countered. “It’s not that simple, Don. There’s so much I could do. In my dreams, it- no, _I,_ I always catch you, I always manage to trick you to lower your guard. You always trust me, and I end up hurting you.”

Now there was definite pain in Leo’s eyes, as he was clearly remembering some of the worst parts of his dreams, realizing it had been him instead of someone else hurting them. Don couldn’t help feeling a bit uneasy himself, since he now knew who had been chasing him in his dreams, but this was _Leo_. He would never willingly hurt them. Leo had protected them and sacrificed himself for them too many times. Even now Leo was willing to isolate himself and run away from his home, from help, simply because he wanted to protect them. Don quickly shook his uneasiness away, feeling bad for having felt it in the first place. 

Donatello drew his bō from behind him, holding it in one hand. “I’m not letting you trick me, Leo. I know you’re not going to hurt me. Even if you did, as I said, I’m going to have backup here in no time.”

Don didn’t want to let Leo think about the possibility of hurting them any more than he had already, but he had to make him believe that if something happened, Don would have the situation under control. That he was thinking rationally, that he had his backup, that Leo wouldn’t be able to hurt him. 

“Besides, it’s not that long since I unarmed you during practice,” Don reminded him gently. “I can defend myself, Leo.”

Leo nodded; he knew that. But he was still struggling with himself, glancing helplessly up at Don. The genius gave him an encouraging smile. 

“It’s going to be okay, really,” Don told him. He almost held his breath while he waited for Leo to make his decision. After a moment Leo finally nodded again, still hesitant as he lifted his hand, undoing the strap holding his swords against his shell. Without taking the swords from their sheaths, he threw them on the ground in front of Don. 

Don placed bō against the nearby wall, well out of Leo’s reach, but right next to him. He bent down to grab the swords, strapping them against his own shell, never looking away from Leo to show him that he wasn’t letting his guard down. He grabbed his bō, not putting it away when he motioned for Leo to come closer.

“Come on, you don’t have anything to hurt me with now. You don’t have to stand there.”

“You know I have smaller blades in my belt,” Leo said, a bit accusingly, as if Don hadn’t been careful enough and had forgotten about them. 

“I know,” Don said, “but I also know that you’re not going to use them against me. Here, let me show you.”

So far Don had approached Leo carefully in order to not startle him away, but now he lifted his bō and used it to cut off Leo’s ways of escape, taking firm steps towards him. Of course Leo could duck under his weapon, but it would slow him down enough for Don to use his legs to tackle him. But that wasn’t needed- Leo seemed surprised about the fast approach, trying to decide whether to run or not, about to voice his disapproval- but Don was already in front of him. 

Stuck in the corner of the tunnel Leo had no way to escape when Don lifted the hand not holding his bō, wrapping it around his older brother. Don pressed him in close, hugging him tightly.

“See? I’m not hurt,” Don smiled against Leo’s shoulder. “You’re not dangerous. Stop thinking that you are.”

Leo was tense in his hold, but slowly he relaxed into the hug. He didn’t hug him back, perhaps thinking that it’d be too easy to grab his swords from Don’s shell if he lifted his hands. The genius sighed quietly, but at least keeping Leo from running away again was a small victory. 

Already he could hear footsteps getting closer, knowing Mikey and Raph would soon be here. Don drew back enough to be able to look at Leo, but he didn’t let go of the edge of Leo’s shell, ready to hold onto him if Leo decided to change his mind about staying.

“I’m going to keep holding onto you, alright? Not because I think you’ll attack. Just don’t want you to change your mind and run again.”

Leo was staring down at the floor, but nodded, not doing anything to shake off Don’s hold.

“Don!” 

Leo winced when he was once again blinded by a flashlight. He pressed himself back against Don to escape the bright light. Don lifted his hand to shield his eyes as he glanced over his shoulder.

“Easy with the light,” Don accused half-heartedly. Raph and Mikey had stumbled into the tunnel, and hesitantly lowered their lights, walking closer.

“Are you alright?” Mikey asked, aiming his question at both of them. Leo drew away from Don, who nodded at Mikey.

“We’re fine,” Don said, glancing at Leo, waiting for him to confirm that. Leo gave him another small nod.

“Geez, Leo, it’s no fun when you storm out like that,” Mikey scolded Leo, but he didn’t sound upset, just relieved. He took a step closer, but suddenly hesitated. It didn’t go unnoticed by Leo, and he took a hasty step away from his brothers. 

“I hurt you, Mikey…” Leo said quietly. “ _Again_. I…”

Mikey realized that his hesitation had been a mistake, and he hurried to break the small distance between Leo and himself. Don let go of Leo and stepped to the side to give room to his brothers. Mikey grabbed Leo’s arms tightly, staring at his face. Yes, he could still vividly remember Leo standing over him, lifting his sword while wearing that uncharastic smirk- but it had been so unlike Leo that the more he thought about it, the more difficult it was to think of that blood-covered Leo as his brother. It _hadn’t_ been Leo, and he had to make Leo realized that as well.

“Hey, Leo, it was… totally weird and everything, but it’s okay now,” Mikey told him. “I’m fine, okay?”

Leo stared at him, nodding stiffly. Mikey wasn’t sure his brother believed that, but all he could give him now was a reassuring smile.

“Right, let’s go back, then,” Raph said, already turning around. “Don’t wanna be here any longer than we have to.” 

Leo blinked at that, tensing again, turning away from Mikey and Don. “I- I thought, since we’re here, that we could…”

“Look for the tunnel?” Don finished for him. “Well, why not? I still think that the nightmares have put a strain on you, but if we can find the tunnel and prove that it’s safe, it should ease your worries, right, Leo?”

Leo looked surprised that his brother agreed so quickly, then nodded, standing a bit straighter; trying to get things back under control, starting to form a plan in his head. “Yeah, I’d like to see the tunnel. If it’s fine with everyone, we’ll start the search now.”

Nobody protested, and it was clear how some of Leo’s anxiety faded. “Okay, so. You’re going to keep my swords away from me, and you won’t let your guard down near me. Understood?”

His brothers nodded.

“And if you get any reason to suspect me, then-”

Raph rolled his eyes. “We get it, Leo. You’re not as dangerous as ya think. We can _handle_ ya.” 

Leo narrowed his eyes at him, but continued. “I don’t have my maps, but we could start by-”

“They’re right here,” Raph cut him off again, taking off the bag he had retrieved before leaving. If they hadn’t found Leo, they would’ve used the maps to track down the most likely locations Leo would’ve gone to. Luckily Don had remembered Leo still had his cell shell. Raph handed the bag to Leo, who gave him a grateful, yet slightly apologetic look.

“I’m sorry about all of this,” Leo said. “I really could’ve handled this better.”

“Hey, don’t give us that,” Raph said nonchalantly. “Just don’t run off on yer own anymore. That’s my thing.”

Leo dared to smile at that, glancing down at the bag and digging out a map. “I have some ideas as to where to start, but there are still many options. We should split up-”

This time he cut himself off, looking up from the map, unsure. Don was the one to give him a reassuring smile.

“Don’t worry about it, Leo. We can split up; you’re not going to hurt any of us even if we do. What happened before was mostly because your subconsciousness brought up the dreams in meditation. And yes, even if we don’t believe that you’re a danger, we’ll be careful.”

Leo seemed hesitant again. “But if-”

“Do you _feel_ like you’re going to hurt us?” Don crossed his arms over his chest, tilting his head at his brother.

“No!” Leo said immediately. “But…”

“There’s no proof you would do anything when you’re completely awake, not dreaming or meditating,” Don said, still speaking with a calm tone of voice. He stepped next to Leo so that he could get a look at the map he was holding. “Until something really happens, there’s no _proof._ Where do you suggest we go first?”

Leo gave him a worried look, but he didn’t have the proof Don was demanding. It really had happened only in dreams and meditation- so _far,_ and that’s what still worried the leader. But his brothers were looking expectantly at him, and he returned his gaze back to the map. He thought for a moment, then placed his finger on the lower right corner.

“I have a strong feeling about this spot. I think I’ve seen some of the graffiti in the dream somewhere around here,” Leo said. “It’s not close to the lair, so we haven’t been there in a while. But if I recall correctly...”

“Great, so we’ll start there,” Raph said, eager to just get going. “I’ll go there with ya, Leo. Where should Don and Mike go?”

Raph tried to sound casual about it, but Leo knew why he offered to come with him. If something happened, Raph wanted to be there, instead of letting one of their younger brothers go with him when he wasn’t quite feeling like himself. A part of him was hurt that Raph agreed with him and worried he’d hurt Don or Mikey, but a bigger part felt relieved. He didn’t trust himself, not right now, and it was good that Raph didn’t either. Mikey had been too quick to forgive him, and Don was sure his subconsciousness was playing tricks on him. Raph wasn’t willing to risk anything when it came to the safety of his family, and Leo found reassurance in that. If something did end up happening, Raph would make sure Don and Mikey didn’t get hurt.

The thought stung, but knowing that Raph would handle him if need be extinguished some of his worry.

But it also brought up new worries. He didn’t want to set Raph in harm’s way either, and now he was agreeing to be alone with him. Raph knew to be alert, he’d be prepared if he ended up actually doing something that could hurt him- even the thought made his stomach twist- but... as he had already told Don, he had been cunning, deceiveful in his dreams. Always managing to separate his family, hunt them down one by one. If he went with one of his brothers, he was doing just as he had been doing in the dreams. Separating them to give himself an advantage.

“We should check it together,” Leo changed his mind, then pointed to another spot on the map. “The next place I want to check, this one, isn’t that far away from it, so we should all go there-”

“C’mon, Leo, it’ll be fine,” Raph sighed. “It’ll save us time if we go in pairs. Donnie, take one of the maps and check out the second location. We’ll take this map.”

Raph stepped closer, and the bag containing the maps was taken from Leo and handed to Don. Then Raph was pushing Leo away from their younger brothers, towards the darkness of the sewer. Leo’s heartbeat picked up immediately. He had run blindly into the dark tunnels just a moment ago, desperate to take the danger away from his family, but now that he had calmed down, the darkness felt threatening. Not threatening to _him,_ but he knew that in the dark, one of his brothers would get hurt. _All of them_ would. One by one. 

He didn’t need to stare at the dark for long, Raph following right behind him, lighting up the tunnel with his flashlight. This… was different from the dreams. Having light, having Raph so near. Not chasing anyone. Still, Leo paused, glancing back at Don and Mikey, who were studying the map they had been left with.

“Raph, I’m still not sure if this is a good idea.”

“What, ya really think I couldn’t take ya if something happened?” Raph sounded offended. “Ya left yer swords with Don. I’ve got my sai. Ya haven’t been sleeping well. Even without all this I could handle ya, but now I’ve got more than enough advantage. Heh, if ya attack me, it’s gonna be unfair to _you._ ”

Raph’s strong hand came over his shoulder, giving him a light squeeze. “If something happens, I’ll handle it. Trust me, alright?”

Leo sighed, giving in. Raph’s hand fell from his shoulder, and they started to walk. Leo looked down at the map, even though he knew the way even without it, simply trying to think about something else than the worrying thoughts running in his head.

But it was difficult to keep his thoughts away from all the bad that could happen. If something _did_ happen, what would Raph do, even if he managed to hold his own against him? Run? Punch his lights out and carry him back to the lair? Raph _would_ do that. If he _managed_ to do it. He wouldn’t run like in the nightmares; it just wasn’t Raph’s style. Maybe they really had been just dreams. But if they hadn’t…

Another sigh, and Leo lowered the map to watch where he was stepping. Maybe he really was just tired- he couldn’t remember ever being this exhausted. Even the sleep aided by the sedative hadn’t completely removed the hazy feeling in his head; it had just left him disoriented, like sedatives tended to do. 

They were walking side by side, Raph showing the way. As the light scanned their surroundings, Leo’s eyes widened. The light went over a part of the nearby wall, showing a long streak of blood on it. The light had stayed on it for such a short moment that Raph hadn’t even noticed it, already looking at another spot. Leo stepped closer to him and grabbed his wrist, bringing the light back to the blood.

There was nothing but a blank wall there. No blood.

“Leo, what?”

Leo kept moving Raph’s wrist- maybe that had been the wrong spot, but he was sure he had seen it. He couldn’t be mistaken, that much blood didn’t just disappear, and it had looked fresh, still flowing down the wall-

Raph’s other hand grabbed his hand, putting a stop to the way Leo maneuvered his wrist and the flashlight it was holding. “Leo?”

“I saw-” Leo hesitated. “I _thought_ I saw…”

Leo let go of Raph’s wrist, and Raph released his hand as well. Leo turned his head away, unsure what to say. Unsure what to think. Was he still tired, or starting to lose it? He had been _so_ sure he had seen the blood.

Seeing imaginary splatters of blood didn’t really make Leo feel confident about his current mental state. Had Don been right, was his subconsciousness just playing tricks on him? 

“It’s nothing,” Leo ended up saying. If he told Raph the truth, he would take him back, and finding the tunnel would get delayed. And Leo didn’t think he could take another sleepless night, and definitely not another nightmare. “I thought I saw some of the graffiti. I guess it was just wishful thinking.”

For a moment, Raph said nothing. Then, “Are you sure you wanna continue? I mean, we could go back and Don could give ya one of those pills to help ya sleep, and we’d do this once ya really felt better-”

“No.” The answer was immediate. They were already here, they were close; Leo could feel it. “We’re going to find out what this is about, and get rid of it.”

Again Raph said nothing, simply followed Leo when he started to walk again. They walked in silence, Leo scanning the walls more intently now. Not just for signs of graffiti.

As they walked, Leo felt his earlier exhaustion start pressing on him. So much had happened already today, there hadn’t been time to acknowledge the depth of his exhaustion, but now, as they simply walked with nothing happening, he truly felt it. He pushed through it, but noticed that Raph was now walking in front of him. His steps were starting to get slower.

He watched Raph’s shell as he walked, no longer eyeing the walls. Even in the dim light he could see the biggest of the scars running across his shell, the smaller ones getting lost without a proper source of light. Still, without even seeing them, he knew where they were. Could pinpoint every single one, knew where and how Raph had received them. Knew where there was room for new ones-

He flinched. That had _not_ been his thought. Yet he found his eyes staring at a spot on the shell where he could carve a new scar with one of the smaller blades still on his belt, or with the one he had already slipped into his hand. It would be so easy. Raph didn’t suspect a thing. They all thought this was all just his imagination. Just a nightmare; not real. He could do it now, and he’d start with stabbing the blade into Raph’s side, wait until he’d bled enough to weaken, then start carving on his shell when he wasn’t able to squirm and ruin his work-

Leo threw the blade away, and it sank into the sewer water with an echoing splash. The sound made Raph halt, made him turn to look at Leo. The leader was withdrawing his hand, like he had just thrown something. His eyes were wide, staring at the water. 

“R-Raph,” Leo said, the shakiness of his voice catching Raph’s attention immediately. “Take- take away my blades...”

Raph tilted his head. “What?”

“ _Take them!_ ” The yell caught him by surprise, as well as the angry look Leo was giving him. “I knew this was a bad idea. I knew I should’ve kept running-”

“Don’t ya dare!” Raph stepped closer, grabbed his arm. “No running, okay, Leo? Nothing’s happened-”

“I almost _stabbed_ you!” Leo cried out. “I would’ve done it. I would’ve- I… why...”

“But you didn’t,” Raph said hastily, then looked back at the water. “It was your blade you threw away?” 

Raph looked back at his brother just in time to see him nod, his face still pained. A chill ran down Raph’s spine; he really hadn’t had any idea that Leo had drawn one of his smaller blades. And his back had been turned to him; Leo really could’ve attacked him… but why? Leo would never do that, so _why?_

“Take them away,” Leo pleaded again. “Please.”

“Alright, I’ll take them,” Raph said, worried about the sudden, desperate change in Leo, as well as the fact that Leo really had drawn one of his blades just now. But he had thrown it away; he hadn’t hurt him. Still, he reached for Leo’s belt, removing the remaining blades. “These are all you have, right?”

Leo nodded again. Raph could tell that he relaxed slightly now that the blades were gone, but still seemed anxious. Raph wasn’t sure what was going in Leo’s head, wasn’t sure what to say to make it better. Suddenly all he knew was that he was glad he hadn’t sent Don or Mikey with Leo.

“Do you… do you think you can keep going?” Raph asked, not sure if he should just call their brothers and take Leo back to the lair.

“I want to,” Leo said, sounding defeated. “I need to. But what happened just now-”

“Hey. That was my mistake, okay? I’ll keep an eye on you now. The sooner we get there, the sooner this’ll be over.” Raph wasn’t sure how much he believed that- how the hell would finding some tunnel help Leo with this? And what even was _this?_ Was Leo really mixing his nightmare with reality now? That sounded… bad. Like, really bad. Finding the tunnel could give Leo some peace of mind, but Raph was pretty sure his brother needed something far more than that. 

They would go see the damn tunnel, and then they’d go back, and they’d make Leo sleep until he cleared that damn head of his.

Leo was once again nodding at him instead of saying anything. Raph stared at him for a bit longer, taking in the almost defeated look his brother was wearing.

“Hey. Nothing happened,” Raph said, trying to sound reassuring. “I’m fine.”

When they started to walk again Raph made sure he had Leo in his line of sight.

* * *

“You think they’ll be fine?”

Mikey glanced over his shoulder, seeing nothing but the darkness of the tunnel. They had left Leo and Raph behind, and Mikey rarely felt good about splitting up.

“If something happens, Raph has his phone,” Don answered calmly. “I think the worst thing that could happen is that Leo tries to run again. But he’s tired; Raph should be able to catch him this time.”

“Hate it when he gets like that,” Mikey sighed. “Like he has to solve everything himself.”

Don nodded in agreement. “The lack of sleep doesn’t help his habit to do that.”

“This is _so_ weird, though,” Mikey continued. “I’ve never seen Leo act like this.”

“Me neither,” Don said, shining his light towards their next turn, looking down at the map in his hand. “Hm. We don’t go by this area too often. Better be careful, the running water could have made this place unstable.”

They walked in silence, choosing their steps carefully on the slippery floor. The tunnel didn’t seem that different, but they didn’t allow their guard to slip. Mikey felt nervous- they were looking for the tunnel just so that they could show it to Leo, but what if they found something out of the ordinary in there? What would that even be? 

When his light hit an empty bottle, Mikey almost yelped, stopping in his tracks. It was just a bottle, but he was tense and nervous, expecting something to attack them at any moment. Don glanced at him.

“Relax, Mikey,” he chuckled. “This isn’t some monster hunt. We’re just trying to find the right tunnel.”

Mikey took a deep breath, watching as Don walked closer to the bottle, kneeling down next to it. Mikey tilted his head, following him.

“This bottle hasn’t been here for very long,” Don said. “The label is in a fairly good condition. Still, it doesn’t tell me if it’s been here for days or weeks. Or months.”

“And? It’s just a bottle. We see them down here all the time.”

“We’re pretty deep in the sewers. The water here isn’t high enough to have carried it down here, someone was here and left it. And since it’s a beer bottle, it wasn’t left by any workers.”

“How do you know? It’s not like they have anyone checking in on them down here. I’m sure they could get away with drinking a few beers on the job,” Mikey said.

Don sighed, standing up. “What I’m trying to say is that it looks like people have been drinking here recently. Look.”

Don pointed his light to another bottle, then to an empty bag of chips. 

“Rude! Littering our sewer!” Mikey shook his head disapprovingly, then suddenly shone his light around, whispering now. “Do you… do you think there’s still people here?”

“No,” Don said. “People tend to be loud, especially drunk people. We would know if there were any humans here.”

“Oh. True.”

They continued forward. The next tunnel ahead of them had a metal door in front of it, but it was open. It looked rusted over, like it had been open for a long time. Don frowned at it, actually not sure why there would be a door like that in this part of the sewer. He was pretty sure they had passed by here some time- how come had never noticed that before? 

“I simply find it weird that someone would come all the way down here just to drink,” Don continued, taking his eyes off of the door as they stepped into the tunnel. “It’s not unusual for people to want to explore the sewers and come drink down here, but they rarely go in this deep. It’s really easy to get lost, especially if you’re drinking.”

“But if they were drinking, maybe they didn’t realize they had gone so deep.”

“We’re pretty far from the nearest manhole cover… but it’s possible. But this looks more like…”

“Like someone was here on purpose?” 

“Yes,” Don nodded. “And since-”

He cut himself off, stopping when their lights revealed a graffiti on the wall. A sudden, uneasy feeling washed over both of them- they knew the graffiti. Had seen it in their nightmares.

And suddenly the door was familiar as well. He remembered that it had been closed sometimes, and he had tried to pry it open while the footsteps followed, but the door just wouldn’t open, no matter how hard he-

Mikey took a step back. “Oh, I don’t like this. We- we should go get Raph and Leo-”

Don stared at the graffiti. Bold, red font, but already worn down by the elements. It was just like all the other graffiti they so often saw, nothing out of the ordinary. Even though everything was smudged Don recognized some of the letters, but they didn’t mean anything to him. Don moved his light forward. There were wet leaves on the ground, a few empty cans. Utter silence surrounded them; usually you’d hear the water dripping, the echoes of the traffic above them. Now it was completely silent.

“What did Leo even want from here?” Mikey questioned with a small voice, having noticed the complete silence as well, anxious to break it. “There’s nothing useful here, right?”

“Something about this place keeps bothering Leo,” Don mumbled. “Even I feel… _weird_ being here. There has to be something, since it’s the place we kept seeing in those dreams.”

“Something like… what?” Mikey questioned, still looking around hastily. When Don placed a hand on his arm, he couldn’t help yelping. “Dude! Don’t _do_ that!”

“Calm down, Mikey! We’re fine. We’re simply looking for answers.” It sounded a bit like Don was trying to reassure himself as well, not making Mikey feel any better about the place. “Nothing’s going to happen to us.”

“You _just_ said that you feel weird here!” Mikey pointed out hastily. 

“Well, obviously, since this place is _literally_ from our nightmare! It doesn’t mean that there is something weird here, it’s simply a feeling.”

“ _It’s simply a feeling,_ ” Mikey repeated, rolling his eyes. “When the monster attacks, I’m definitely telling you _I told you so._ ”

“Whatever,” Don rolled his eyes at him. “We’ve dealt with monsters before. I’d be glad if there was something to defeat so that we could get rid of… whatever this is.”

“ _Glad_ if there were monsters?!” Mikey shook his head. “Why didn’t I go with Raph! Or even Leo! I bet they wouldn’t say that they’d be _glad_ to see a monster! Or maybe they would and I’m surrounded by a bunch of crazy turtles.” 

Don’s hand went to his belt, grabbing his shell cell. “We should call them. Let them know we found the place and see how they’re doing- oh. No service. Weird. We shouldn’t be that far from them…”

“This just keeps getting better!” Mikey moaned, starting to walk in a small circle, holding his head. “This is just like any horror movie. Seperated. No service. Weird feeling. Next thing you’re going to say _maybe we should split up and go looking for them_ and then I’m going to be all alone when the monster comes out and it’s going to come after me because they _always_ come after me and- woah!”

The wet leaves under his leg made him slip and almost fall over. He managed to balance himself, but his flashlight fell down into the leaves and grime. Mikey groaned.

“You wouldn’t happen to have another flashlight with you, Don? Do I really need to touch this stuff?” Mikey eyed the grime, poking his flashlight with his toe.

“Stop complaining, you’ve touched worse things,” Don said, looking around with his flashlight. “You’ve even _eaten_ worse things.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Mikey sighed, crouching down to pick up the fallen object. He grabbed it, but paused. The light by his feet showed something red underneath the leaves. Mikey lifted the flashlight and shone it down, moving the leaves with his foot to reveal more of the floor, and more of the red markings- with a scream he jumped back, falling down into the grime and leaves.

“Mikey!” Don was by him in an instant. “What is it?”

“It’s blood!” Mikey said, his eyes still on the red peeking through the leaves. He took Don’s offered hand and stood back up. “And I think I stepped on it! Is there blood on me? Ew!”

Mikey leaned against Don and lifted his foot, but there was no red on his skin. Don steadied him before crouching down next to the red markings, inspecting them in the light.

“This isn’t blood. It looks like paint.” He drew his finger across it. “Seems to withstands water. Looks pretty fresh, but the water has already washed leaves over it.”

Don started kicking the leaves away, revealing more and more of the paint. When Mikey only stared, Don gave him a dry glance. “You gonna help?”

“As I said,” Mikey sighed, walking over to start kicking at the grime as well, “this just keeps getting better and better.”

It didn’t take long before all of the paint was visible, but Mikey made sure to complain about how the leaves got stuck on his skin and how there was grime between his toes now. Don kept reminding him how they always walked in this stuff, but once they were finished, they both fell silent and took a step back to look at what they had revealed. A circle had been drawn on the floor with red paint, with some kind of symbols surrounding it. Despite the fresh looking paint some parts of the circle were missing, making the circle uncomplete.

“I thought it was easier to draw graffiti on the walls, not on the floor,” Mikey commented.

“It’s not graffiti,” Don said. “Reminds me of some kind of witchcraft. You know, a circle for spells.”

“I’ve made you watch too many horror movies,” Mikey sighed, then looked at the circle again, and he had to agree with Don. It really did look like a summoning circle they had seen in so many horror flicks. “So we have witches in the sewers now? _Drunk_ witches?”

“Some teenagers probably thought that this’d be fun,” Don shrugged. “Hunting ghosts seems to be trending right now. Maybe they were just trying to scare each other.”

“Sewer ghosts. Oh no, I hope those don’t exist.”

“Maybe… maybe we’ve ran through here recently, happened to get a glimpse of this before it was hidden by the leaves, and didn’t think much of it. Maybe we were in a hurry. Maybe our subconscious happened to pick up on it…”

“We did go by here a few weeks ago,” Mikey suddenly recalled. “I don’t know if it was this tunnel exactly, but it was near, anyway. When we were in a hurry to meet up with Nobody, and we took a shortcut we hadn’t used in a long time, remember that?”

“Oh, right!” Don’s eyes brightened up when the memories returned to him. “I had completely forgotten! I didn’t even realize we went through here. We took a different route because we were fixing one of the security cameras not that far away from here.” Don frowned. “But we didn’t go through this exact tunnel, I’m sure about that. I think we’d remember if we had, even if we were in a hurry.” 

“Well, we could’ve passed it by. So, case closed?” Mikey asked. “Our subconscious has been playing tricks on all of us, or at least on Leo?”

Don scratched the back of his head. “Well, that’s possible, considering the stress Leo has been under. The meditation helped us clear our minds, but perhaps Leo has a bit more on his mind than we do, and he was unable to let this go.”

“It’s the best theory we have,” Mikey shrugged. “So. How do we help him?”

“Let’s start by going back, since we can’t call them,” Don said. He turned away from the markings on the floor, but after a moment of hesitation, decided to turn back and take a few pictures of the marks. Perhaps if he showed Leo what they had found, they wouldn’t need to come back, and Leo would realize where the nightmares had come from and could hopefully let go of them.

The tunnel continued further into the dark, but they had found what they had come from. Don shone a light into the darkness anyway, but there was no more graffiti or paint visible.

Finally ready to leave, the turtles turned back towards the way they had come. They exited the tunnel, and Don gave one more puzzled look at the metal door they passed. When he turned to look forward again, he halted when a figure got caught in the light of their flashlights. Mikey jumped towards Don with a high pitched yelp.

“Hey, guys,” Leo greeted them, standing still in the light, lifting his hand to shield his eyes from the brightness. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Leo? What are you doing here?” Don asked, lowering his light away from Leo’s face. Shining a light into the leader’s face was starting to become a habit.

“Where’s Raph?” Mikey asked quickly.

“We got seperated,” Leo explained with a heavy sigh. “I told Raph to slow down, but he wanted to get this over and done with, and… you know him.”

Don and Mikey changed quick looks. Raph had known how important it was to keep an eye on Leo. Why would he walk so far ahead of him, to the point where they had gotten separated?

“Really, Leo? He just left you behind?” Don asked sceptically, suddenly having a bad feeling.

Leo averted his gaze. “Yeah, well… I… I guess I’m not as well as I thought.” He shrugged, his voice small. “I guess I’m more exhausted than I thought I was and I couldn’t keep up with him.”

Don hesitated, but the look in his eyes softened. Leo wasn’t back to himself, and Raph, eager to find the solution, hadn’t taken that into consideration. 

“Well, we’d better find him before he wanders further away from us,” Don said, though still a bit hesitant. He noted that Leo had no flashlight, yet it didn’t look like he had stumbled on his way over here. Leo was good at navigating in the dark, but this part of the sewers wasn’t that familiar to them. Even Leo should’ve had some trouble without a light. “How long have you been separated from him? Any idea where he could be?”

“Not for long,” Leo said. “Couldn’t be longer than ten minutes.”

“He shouldn’t be too far, then,” Don said, and they started walking. He glanced behind himself towards the tunnel, left behind in the dark. He could’ve shown it to Leo now… but they had no idea where Raph was, and he had the pictures. Besides, Leo seemed to be calmer than before. Perhaps the run in the sewers had already helped him. Maybe the tunnel would just agitate him again... Don decided to not bother him with their findings right now; finding Raph was more urgent. 

After a while the tunnel split in two, and Don looked questioningly at Leo, who could only shrug. He didn’t know which way Raph had gone. Don turned his head to look at Mikey, who met his gaze, and quickly shook his head.

“Oh no, I know what you’re thinking. We’re not splitting up!”

“We’ll find Raph faster that way,” Don said apologetically. “I’m going left with Leo, Mikey, you take the right tunnel.”

“What? Why am I going alone?” Mikey crossed his arms over his chest.

“I could go alone,” Leo offered quietly. “Just… just in case.”

“No, I’m coming with you, Leo,” Don said sternly. “Let’s go, now; Raph could be walking away from us.”

Mikey’s quiet complaining could be heard for a short while after their departure, before his voice faded and Leo and Don were left with only the sounds of their footsteps. 

“So… did you two find anything?” Don asked, keeping an eye on the ground in case he’d notice footsteps on the muddy floor. He and Mikey had found what they had been looking for, but Don found himself wanting to know how Leo would answer.

“No, not really,” Leo answered shortly. They were walking side by side, and Don took his eyes off of the floor to take a look at his brother. 

“Do you feel any better, or are the tunnels making you anxious?” Don asked. 

“I feel tired, but better,” Leo answered, and he really seemed calmer than before, still somewhat quiet, but calmer. Even his posture was more relaxed, his hands weren’t pulled into tight fists like before- Don almost missed his next step when he saw Leo’s hand. It was easy to miss, but there was clearly blood on his skin. It was smeared, it looked like there had been even an attempt at washing it away. Leo had no wounds in his arm, nor anywhere else, and the blood was clearly fresh.

And Leo hadn’t said anything about it. He was looking forward, not seeming too anxious about Raph missing.

Donatello suddenly felt very cold, and very, very worried for Raphael.


	6. Hurts you

As he walked with his brother, Donatello’s mind raced. What should he do? Question the blood and possibly make Leonardo attack him as well? Was… was he really thinking that Leo had attacked Raph? Leo had hurt Mikey during their meditation, but this was different, this wasn’t meditation. Leo… Leo would never _really_ hurt them. That’s what they had repeatedly told themselves and Leo, but now he wasn’t so sure about it. 

Should he just keep going and hope to run into Raph? What if he really was injured? Was Leo leading him away from Raph? No, Leo wasn’t the one choosing the way, he was letting Don pick the way. 

Don flinched out of his thoughts when he noticed that Leo had moved much closer to him, walking right next to him. Leo was staring at him instead of looking in front of him to see where he was going. Don glanced at him questioningly, his heart hammering in his chest. He realized that Leo wasn’t looking at his face, but past him. Feeling confused, Don started to turn his head to look over his shoulder to see what Leo was looking at- before he remembered that he was still carrying Leo’s swords. Leo was looking at them.

Donatello didn’t want to admit it, but he was starting to feel afraid. He had to do something. If Leonardo had managed to take Raphael by surprise, he had to attack first. Don moved his hand to get a hold of his weapon, but hesitated when Leo stepped right into his personal space. Leo lifted a hand over Don’s shoulder, no doubt trying to grab his sword.

Don stopped walking abruptly, and since Leo was still walking, his hand fell away from his shell. Leo stopped one step ahead of him, now looking at his face. He seemed to notice the wide-eyed look Don was wearing.

“Sorry. It just feels strange to not carry them,” Leo explained, his voice strange, hollow. It wasn’t the way Leo spoke. Don didn’t know what to do with himself- the way Leo looked, the apologetic look was all him, but his voice wasn’t. Don felt like he was walking with a stranger wearing his brother’s face. His instincts were screaming at him to draw his weapon, but he wanted to avoid a fight for as long as he could.

“That’s… alright,” Don said hesitantly. If he could keep Leo thinking that he wasn’t suspecting anything, they wouldn’t have to fight. He could find Raph or get back to Mikey, and then he’d have some backup.

“What’s wrong?” Leo asked, picking up on his hesitation, taking a step closer. Don had to force himself to stay still, to not back away from him. “Don?”

“No, nothing’s wrong, I just…” His words faded when Leo came even closer. He watched Leo lift his hand, reaching over Don’s shoulder again- why wasn’t he stepping away? Why wasn’t he stopping him? He knew Leo was holding the hilt of his sword now, but he felt paralyzed with his inability to choose whether to fight or not- he didn’t want to believe that Leo would really hurt him, that he had done something to Raph, but he couldn’t deny that Leo wasn’t acting like himself. 

He shouldn’t let him take the sword, but instead of stopping him, he stared at Leo’s face, pleading with his eyes for Leo to stop acting like this.

Leo was slowly dragging his sword out of its sheath, and the sound made Don freeze further. If Leo was in his right mind, he wouldn’t take the sword after wanting Don to take them away. He just- just trusted his brother so much it made him ache. He trusted that Leo wouldn’t hurt him. Despite the nightmares, he wouldn’t hurt him. He couldn’t. This was Leo, his big brother- he wouldn’t hurt him. He wouldn’t hurt him…

“Don’t take the sword,” Don pleaded with a small voice. “Don’t take it, Leo.”

Leo didn’t react to his words. Raph was missing, there was blood on Leo, and he was grabbing the sword he knew he should stay away from. He shouldn’t feel threatened in his brother’s presence, yet the setting was exactly the same as in his nightmares, in a tunnel just like this, either running or frozen in fear, hearing that slow sound of a sword being unsheathed… followed by it sinking into his skin-

Don took a hasty step back, and Leo lost his grip on the sword again. It slid back down into its sheath, and even before it was completely sheathed, Don had drawn his bō and pointed it at Leo.

“Don’t move,” Don ordered. Leo didn’t. He stood still, looked at Don with those same apologetic eyes.

“You’re scared,” Leo stated, his voice quiet, but even. “You understand now that there _is_ something wrong with me.” 

His eyes sought the swords again, but this time Leo didn’t step closer, just shook his head, lifting his hands to hold it.

“They come and go, these thoughts,” Leo said through gritted teeth, sounding a bit more like himself now. Slowly he lowered his hands, looking at Don sadly. “But you won’t let me run away, will you?”

“Of course not,” Don said immediately, now slowly lowering his weapon. Leo… Leo really didn’t know what he was doing or saying, not right now. He was right, there was something wrong with him, maybe just not in the way he thought. If he had really wanted to hurt him, he could’ve done it instead of just slowly dragging his sword out of its sheath. Don knew how much it pained Leo to be separated from his weapons and could understand why he had reached for them in this weird mental state he was in. He was loopy from his lack of sleep. Don couldn’t lower his guard, but he lowered his weapon, not putting it away completely.

“We’re both on the edge since we don’t know what’s going on. These tunnels are messing with us.” Don paused before continuing. “Reminds us too much of the dreams, right?”

Leo nodded stiffly. 

Don watched him, his eyes going slowly down on Leo’s arm, where the blood was. He swallowed with some difficulty, feeling like there was a heavy weight in his throat. But Leo seemed more like himself now, calmer… he could ask about the blood now… he _had_ to ask. Even if- even if something bad followed, he had to ask.

The words were heavy on his tongue when they came out. “Now, Leo… are you sure you simply got separated from Raph? Nothing else happened?”

Leo followed his gaze down onto his arm, lifting his hand, watching the bloody spot himself. The look in his eyes turned distant, and when Leo lifted his gaze, there was something deeply unfamiliar in them, something that made Don immediately regret asking. Leo took a step forward, and Don lifted his bō, no, he shouldn’t have drawn any attention to the blood, should’ve just-

His ringtone almost scared him out of his shell. Leo paused upon hearing it, blinking harshly, seeming confused. Like the loud sound had snapped him out of something. Don let go of his bō with one hand, numbly reaching for his belt and retrieving the device, pressing it to his ear, his eyes never leaving Leo. At… at least they had service again.

“M-Mikey?”

“ _I found him, Donnie! Where are you?_ ”

“Is he okay?” Don asked immediately, Mikey’s tone somewhat hard to read. 

“ _Yeah. He’s fine._ ”

Don closed his eyes in relief. Raph was okay. “We’ll follow your signal, stay where you are!”

He hung up, lifting his gaze back to Leo – his relief had made him forget the situation he was in. All of his relief disappeared as he watched Leo, no emotion on his face. None of that confusion he had just seen, no relief, nothing. Just staring at him.

“Raph’s okay,” Don said, even though he was sure Leo had heard the call. But maybe he hadn’t, and that’s why he wasn’t reacting. But even after his words Leo’s reaction was slow, not quite right.

“That’s good,” Leo said simply. No relief there. “We should get to them.”

This time Don remained quiet, simply nodding. He wouldn’t mention the blood again, not before they’d get to Raph and Mikey. 

They weren’t far from their brothers, but Don made sure their pace was fast, wanting them all to be together again since he no longer knew what to think about the situation. Leo wasn’t acting weird anymore, being more like his usual quiet self, but Don decided it was best not to say anything right now.

It didn’t take longer than ten minutes to see the brightness from Mikey’s and Raph’s flashlights. It was hard to see in the dim light, but Raph really didn’t seem hurt, no wounds, no blood, and seeing it for himself made him feel relieved again. 

But that only made him more confused about the blood on Leo. He turned to take another look at his brother, his eyes widening when he saw that there was no blood on Leo at all. But- but that wasn’t possible- Leo hadn’t stopped to wash it away, and you couldn’t get dried blood off without any water. Don’s mouth opened, then closed. 

Was Leo not the only one losing it? Was he starting to mix the nightmares with reality as well? But he couldn’t have imagined it, and definitely hadn’t imagined the hollow voice Leo had spoken with. Had this place just made him paranoid, making him believe that Leo really was a threat? _He_ had been the one telling Leo that he wouldn’t hurt them, yet he had acted the total opposite just now, raising his weapon against him, telling him to not get closer... 

It wouldn’t be surprising that Leo considered himself a threat when he was treated like that.

Hasty footsteps made Don turn to look at Mikey and Raph again, he saw that Raph was stomping towards them, his glaring eyes fixated on Leo.

“What the hell were ya doing?” Raph demanded from the leader, getting right into his personal space. “Walking away from me like that, pulling a disappearing act! I yelled after ya, there’s no way ya didn’t hear me!”

Leo looked confused, taking half a step back from Raph. “I- I didn’t hear you,” he said. “I slowed down for a moment, and then you were gone-”

“Bullshit! Ya sneaked away from me, ya asshole, why did ya think that was a good idea? I thought something had _happened_ to ya, you _stupid-_ ”

Leo’s confusion seemed sincere, and Don stepped between them. “Raph, give him a break. Leo could’ve gotten confused in the dark-”

“Don’t ya start,” Raph growled, turning towards Don, giving him an angry look now. “I ran into Mikey and he was alone- ya _left_ him alone when we have no idea what we’re dealing with! Ya were supposed to stay with him!”

Don frowned at him; he had left Mikey alone, but Raph was making it sound like he had done it to purposely put Mikey in danger. “We had to split up to look for _you!_ ”

“No, ya didn’t! Ya could’ve stayed together, ya didn’t need to put him in danger!”

“You know I don’t like splitting up, but I was fine,” Mikey tried. “No need to make a scene.”

Don ignored the youngest, frowning at Raph, feeling offended at the accusation. Raph knew the situation they were in, knew none of them would purposely put each other in danger, yet he had to do this every time he was angry- had to put the blame on someone. Had to take the anger out on them. Without really thinking, Don yelled back. “And I didn’t! I sent him _away_ from danger, since _Leo’s_ the danger!”

Leo flinched, taking a step back. It went unnoticed, Raph only taking a step closer to Don.

“Oh, just a moment ago ya were telling him how he wasn’t a threat! What changed your mind? The fact that he keeps running off, leaving us alone in here, making us split up? Doesn’t that _remind_ you of something?” Raph growled. “Seems like his idiotic decisions are really rubbing off onto ya, for ya to start acting stupid. If ya changed yer mind and see him as a threat now, then why the fuck did ya go alone with him? Ya gave him free access to the swords ya just took away from him. Did ya _want_ him to attack you?”

This time Raph’s words got through. He _had_ given Leo access to his swords, and Raph still didn’t know that Leo had tried to take them from him. How could he say anything about that now? Raph was right, he had acted stupid-

“Stop it, Raph,” Mikey snapped, more firmly now. “We’re all here now, and nothing bad happened. Leo clearly didn’t hurt Donnie. None of us like this place – so can we just leave already?”

Raph stared at Don for a bit longer, before stepping back. “Great. So this was all for nothing.”

“It wasn’t,” Don hurried to say. “We found the tunnel. I have pictures, I’ll show you.”

“You found the tunnel?” Leo asked immediately, sounding confused, slightly hurt. Don looked at him and realized how this seemed to him- that Don hadn’t trusted him with the information before, only telling it now that Raph was here. Now they also noticed how Leo had backed away from them. Leo glanced back the way they had come. “Where?”

“Leo, there was nothing that could be a threat to us in there,” Don explained hurriedly. “’ll explain everything back at the lair.” 

Donatello turned back to Raphael. “Raph, I’m sorry. You’re right; I wasn’t thinking this through. I shouldn’t have seperated from Mikey.” He looked at Mikey as well. “Sorry I left you alone, Mike.”

“Dude, it’s never a good idea to split up in these situations! But it’s just the sewer. We’ve all been here alone before. I don’t know why you’re making such a fuss about it,” Mikey shrugged. “I mean, I don’t like being alone in the dark, but Raph is totally overreacting.”

Raph only grumbled in answer, turning his shell to his brothers and started heading home. 

Don sighed, shaking his head to himself before looking at Leo again. Mikey had grabbed his arm, urging him to follow when the leader wasn’t doing so on his own. He was still looking back to the tunnel they had just exited. 

Don watched them until Leo started following Mikey. Most of the way back was made in silence, with Mikey trying to make some conversation, but his brothers didn’t really seem talkative.

“I called Splinter while me and Raph waited for you and Leo,” Mikey told Don. “Told him we’re okay. He was kinda upset we didn’t call him sooner, heh…”

Don only hummed in answer, his thoughts elsewhere. Mikey got the hint, and they continued in silence. 

* * *

Their agitated Father was waiting for them the moment the doors of the lair opened. Raph was the first to storm past him.

Leo was the second, leaving the rest of them to stare after him in confusion. Unless the leader was hurt, he was always the one to sit down with their Master and explain the situation. Splinter called after him, but the eldest disappeared into his room. It told them loud and clear he wanted to be left alone, so the rat turned to his remaining sons.

Both of them looked exhausted, and before either one of them could speak, the rat lifted his hand.

“I see that you’re all physically unharmed, which I’m relieved for. But there appears to be a clear emotional unbalance between you. Whatever has happened, we will discuss it once you’ve all had some time to rest.”

Relieved that they could go, Mikey headed to his own room, while Don headed to the lab. He unstrapped Leo’s swords from his shell, lowering them onto one his tables before sitting down with a heavy sigh. He eyed the swords, knowing he had to tell someone about the way Leo had acted in the sewers. There was so much they needed to discuss and figure out... but judging by the way Raph had stormed off he was still mad at him. He would need to figure out things with him first, but he had already said he was sorry. Why did Raph have to be so difficult sometimes?

Donatello rubbed his eyes. He was tired, and would’ve liked to simply go to bed and forget all of this for a moment… but fighting with his brothers always bothered him. He didn’t want to be mad at them, and didn’t want them to be mad at him. He could try to speak with Raphael, and if he turned him down, he’d try to take a nap. 

Unsurprisingly, he found the older turtle from the dojo. Raph was beating up his punching bag, not looking towards the doorway despite sensing that Don was there. Don knocked gently on the doorframe anyway.

“Raph, about before…” Don stared at the floor as he started, not continuing right away, since Raph would probably tell him to go away anyway. But nothing like that came, Raph didn’t tell him to get lost, so Don lifted his gaze and continued. “I know I wasn’t thinking clearly. I… I simply wanted to find you as soon as possible. I thought… I’m sor-”

“Stop,” Raph grumbled, giving the bag one last punch before turning to look at Don. “Ya don’t need to apologize- but I do. So… sorry. I just...”

Raph rubbed his neck, clearly struggling with his following words. “Ya… ya know me. How I get when… when I worry. I knew Mikey was fine, but I didn’t know if _ya_ were- all I knew was that you were alone with Leo, and…”

Don’s eyes softened. He knew Raph showed anger rather than worry, and he regretted answering Raph’s anger with anger. 

“I was fine,” Don smiled sadly, stepping inside the dojo and closing the door behind him. His smile faded quickly. “But…Raph... Everything you said about Leo trying to separate us… maybe you were right. I did tell Leo that he’s not a threat, but when we were alone…”

Raph immediately looked more alert. “Did he try to hurt ya, Don?”

“No, no!” It surprised Don how quickly he denied that, how quickly he defended Leo, when that wasn’t exactly the truth. The thought of Leo hurting him still seemed so... absurd. “Well… I don’t know. He told me to take away his swords so I did, but when we were alone, he tried to take them back. He didn’t say anything, simply walked up to me and reached for them- and he acted so strange, Raph. It… it didn’t feel like Leo at all.”

Don frowned, looking down as he thought back to the moment. “But then he was more like himself… then acting strange again. Like one moment he was there, the next he wasn’t.”

“I don’t think any of us should be alone with him, not until we figure out what’s going on,” Raph said. “He… ah, geez, this is gonna sound bad. But when I was alone with him, he told me to take away the blades on his belt because he… he said he almost stabbed me with one.”

Don was stunned at the info. Leo had- had almost stabbed Raph? Had he tried to do the same to him with his swords, but had managed to hold himself back? Suddenly he felt sick. Leo could’ve stabbed Raph and he wouldn’t have known, would have stabbed him next, and then Mikey-

“I guess that’s why I got so mad- I was…” Raph struggled with his words. “I was _really_ worried, Don.”

And Don could understand why. 

“Raph, when I was alone with Leo… I saw blood on him, but it wasn’t his. I thought that maybe… maybe it was yours, that he had done something to you, and he was after me and Mikey next… just… just like in all those dreams…”

Don had kept the fear buried, but now that they were at the lair again, there was no need to keep up the brave act. He _wanted_ to keep it up, everything was _fine,_ but it was suddenly impossible to continue. His throat closed up as he realized how terribly wrong things could have gone.

In a few steps, Raph was there, wrapping his arms around him. Don leaned into the embrace, wrapping his own arms around his brother. Raph was here. He wasn’t hurt- nobody was. It was fine. He was just letting the fear in again. 

They held each other without words. Raph surprised him by not pulling away, letting Don take comfort in his presence for as long as he needed. The moment probably lasted longer than it should’ve, Don finally pulling away a bit sheepishly.

“This is just all so confusing,” Don said when he trusted his voice again. “This… this is Leo we’re talking about. He said he almost _stabbed_ you?”

“Ya said it yerself,” Raph said, still holding his hand on Don’s arm. “It didn’t seem like Leo.”

Don nodded, already fishing out his shell cell. “I mentioned that we found the tunnel we saw in those nightmares. Take a look at what we found there.”

Raph took a step to stand next to him instead of in front of him, looking at the pictures Don had taken. In the dim light and the screen’s low quality they looked almost creepier than they had looked in that tunnel. Don actually squinted at the picture. The quality shouldn’t have been _that_ bad. Raph tilted his head as he looked at the pixelated, red circle.

“Huh. Looks pretty creepy. I bet Mikey screamed when he saw that.”

Don couldn’t help letting out a small chuckle. “It was hidden under leaves and who knows what; he’s the one who found it.”

“Ya think it’s somehow connected to all this?”

“Not at first, but it’d be stupid not to take this into consideration now,” Don said. “This is the exact tunnel in our dreams. If this isn’t somehow connected to all of this, it’s hell of a coincidence, right?”

Raph couldn’t disagree with that. “Any idea what that circle is?” 

“No. I should be in my lab, trying to find that out,” Don said, already turning towards the doorway, but Raph’s hand on his shoulder stopped him.

“Maybe ya should rest first? Ya look kinda pale.”

Don shook his head. He felt a little out of sorts, but the nap he had been planning earlier was now forgotten. “I’m good. I just want to figure this out.”

Raph nodded, letting go of his shoulder, but following after him when Don continued walking. “Can I be of any help?”

“You could help me with the reading I’m about to do. I’m sure there’ll be lots of it.”

They entered the lab, and Don pulled a chair for Raph before taking a seat in front of his main computer. It was quickly booted up, and Don pulled his keyboard closer to himself. As he was about to open his browser, he glanced away from the screen. Something was amiss.

“What’s wrong?” Raph asked when Don’s fingers paused on the keyboard, following his gaze to one of the side tables. Don turned to look at him, wide-eyed.

“I took Leo’s swords here with me,” Don said, dread in his voice. “I left them on that table, but they’re gone.”

Someone had taken the swords.

* * *

Michelangelo turned in his bed, unable to fall asleep despite feeling tired. Everyone in his family had retreated somewhere, Leo in his room, Raph in the dojo, Don in his lab... so having nothing better to do, he had decided to try to sleep off his exhaustion. Mikey pulled his blanket over his head, holding still… then pulled it back down. Nothing felt comfortable. He kicked the blanket away completely, and it fell off the bed. He was hot under it, but cold without it. With a sigh he sat up to grab the blanket from the floor. 

He had almost grabbed the blanket, when his door creaked open. It was the smallest of sounds, something he didn’t wake up to if he was deep asleep- but he was awake and heard it loud and clear. He lifted his gaze up, but nobody was stepping into the room, not even peeking in. A small amount of light poured in from the doorway, but he couldn’t see anyone.

“Uh, hi? Come in?” Mikey called out. “I’m not asleep. Not for the lack of trying…”

Nobody answered him. Mikey frowned- was Raph finished with his attempts to destroy the punching back, or had Don finally emerged from the lab? Or was it Leo? 

“Hello?” Mikey pulled his blanket up to the bed and stood up. “Anyone there?”

Their doors were too heavy to open on their own. Perhaps one of his brothers had meant to check on him, but had changed their mind, not wanting to bother him. But why would they leave the door open after leaving?

“Rude,” Mikey mumbled to himself, taking a step towards the door to close it. As he neared it, a shape suddenly appeared from behind the open door. A sword. Mikey paused, staring as the edge of the sword touched his door, slowly starting to slide down against it. It made an unpleasant sound as the blade slowly dug into the wood, leaving a straight line into his door as it kept moving further down. Confused, Mikey took a step back.

“Mikey,” Leo called out from the other side of the door, his tone causing Mikey to freeze. It was cold, sounding almost angry. “Come out… if you don’t, you’ll be trapped there with nowhere to run.”

Mikey’s breath got trapped in his throat. Trapped? Nowhere to run? What… what was Leo talking about? What was going on?

“I’m feeling nice,” Leo continued while his sword kept sinking into his door. “I’m giving you a head start. I won’t hurt you if you can outrun me.”

Slowly the words sunk in. Leo wanted to chase him. Wanted to chase and hurt him like he had done in their dreams. Like he had done earlier today during their meditation. But- but this had supposed to happen only in the dreams. And he was sure he was wide awake. He slapped his cheek to make sure, and it stung, telling him he really was awake. Then why- why was this happening? 

“Leo, bro, that’s not funny,” Mikey said nervously. “Pranks are my thing, remember?”

The sword disappeared from the door.

“I’ll start counting,” Leo said, and Mikey could now hear a smirk in his voice. “Five. Four. Three…”

Mikey dashed forward, slamming the door open. He didn’t waste time to even glance at Leo- he jumped over the sword and ran past him, headed towards the lab, knowing there was a door he could lock there. His heart was hammering against his chest when he reached the lab, and he was shaking when he slammed the door open. He stumbled forward, wanting nothing but to close the door and lock it- but instead he ran right into something, almost making himself and whatever he had ran into fall over. Only Raph’s quick reflexes stopped the pair from losing their balance as he grabbed Mikey, preventing his fall.

“Mikey, geez! What the-”

“Close the door! Close the-” Mikey didn’t pause to explain, pushing away from the plastron he had stumbled into, and shut the door, fumbling with the lock. 

“Mikey, what’s going on?” Don was standing right behind Raph. 

“It’s Leo,” Mikey breathed out shakily. “He- he came to my door and- and told me to run, that he wouldn’t hurt me if I outran him, but he had his sword already and it didn’t sound like him at all and- and-”

“Hey, slow down, breathe,” Raph instructed, placing both hands on Mikey’s shoulders. The youngest did as he instructed, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself down. 

“Leo was chasing you?” Don asked, grabbing his bō and walking to the door. Mikey’s eyes widened. 

“Don, no-”

But Don unlocked the door easily and swung it open, weapon at ready. The corridor in front of him was empty. It didn’t make him drop his defense- he stepped out of the door slowly, carefully looking around. Raph let go of Mikey and pushed him behind his back, drawing out his own weapons.

“Leo?” Raph called out to the corridor, receiving no answer. He changed looks with Don, nodding towards their bedrooms. Mikey followed them quietly, his own weapons drawn now.

Their bedrooms weren’t far apart. They saw that Mikey’s door was slightly ajar, while Leo’s door was closed. Leo was nowhere in sight. Raph walked soundlessly to Leo’s door, then kicked it open.

They all saw the way Leo flinched from his place on the floor- he sat there with his swords in his lap, obviously having been in the middle of cleaning them.

For a moment they all just stared at him, while Leo stared back. Then, carefully, he spoke.

“I... I know I shouldn’t have gone into the lab, I just… felt like...”

“No, that’s not the problem,” Don said, glancing at Mikey, who was hiding behind Raph.

“Ya just stay right there,” Raph told Leo, and closed the door. Once it was closed, both Don and Raph looked at Mikey.

“He- he really was there, he said those things!” Mikey defended himself immediately.

“We believe you,” Don said, “but Mikey- were you asleep before you saw him?”

Immediately understanding that his brother thought he had just seen a dream Mikey crossed his arms over his chest. “Yes, I was awake! I hadn’t been able to get sleep, so I was definitely awake!”

“But you _had_ been trying to sleep. Are you sure you were completely awake when that happened?”

“I am! You two were freaking out in the tunnels, but now that I’m suspecting him, there’s suddenly nothing wrong?” Mikey wasn’t trying to sound quiet, despite them standing right behind Leo’s door. 

“No, Mikey,” Don said, his voice softening. “That’s not it at all. Yeah, there’s something going on with Leo, but I think the dreams are still affecting us. I thought Leo was going to attack me, too. But if we keep believing these things we saw in those nightmares, we’re only making Leo think he really is dangerous.”

The door opened, Leo peeking out of his room with worried eyes. “Guys, what’s going on… what did I...?”

Obviously he had heard some, if not all of their conversation since he sounded like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what he had done _this time._

“It’s nothing, Leo,” Don shook his head. “Mikey probably had another bad dream. I guess we’re still not rid of them.”

Mikey was about to protest, but Raph placed his hand on his shoulder to silence him. The look Mikey gave him wasn’t a happy one, but he understood and stayed silent.

Leo, however, looked even more worried. “You’re having the dreams again…? But I wasn’t asleep, I thought that prevented them-”

“Listen, Leo, don’t worry about it right now,” Don said, more gentle now, leading him back inside his room. “Have you tried to get any rest since we came back?”

Don disappeared into Leo’s room with him, and Raph guided Mikey towards his room. Mikey was staring at the floor as they walked, seeming defeated and confused.

“Look, Mike, we believe ya, but all of this… it has messed all of us up in some way. Leo acting all weird only makes it worse, I know. But if Leo’s mixing his dreams with reality like Donnie thinks, we can’t begin to do the same. It’ll just be a mess if we do.”

Mikey pouted when he sat down on the edge of his bed. “If Don was the one telling you this, you would believe him. But because it’s me-”

Raph sat down next to him. “Nah, that’s not true. Well, maybe I would, because Don is less likely to babble something that makes no sense-” Mikey gave him a dry glance. “But considering everything that’s happened, we do believe ya. I mean, we believe that ya believe in what you saw. But as Don said, maybe ya just-”

“Dreamt it?” Mikey huffed. “ _Fine,_ you don’t believe me. But when I stumbled into the lab- I only got a glimpse of you two- but you looked like you had been in a hurry before I stumbled in. What was going on?”

“We noticed Leo had taken his swords from the lab,” Raph sighed, “and considering everything, we got worried.”

Mikey nodded. “As I said, you two were kinda freaking out in the tunnels. What exactly happened there?”

“Leo acted really weird out there when he was alone with me or Don. So we agreed that nobody should be alone with him, not until we figure something out.”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” Mikey crossed his arms over his chest. “You think I can’t handle this spooky stuff.”

“Ya can’t,” Raph laughed, “I was only talking it through with Don. Trying to figure out what to do.”

“You and Don cool now? After… that outburst in the sewers?”

Raph sighed. “Yeah, we’re cool. I was just…”

“Worried,” Mikey said teasingly, leaning against Raph. “Aaw. Raphie was so worried, but too tough to admi-”

“Shut it, Mike,” Raph huffed, showing him away. Mikey chuckled before sobering up again. 

“Did Donnie show you the pictures he took?”

“Yeah. He said ya almost pissed yer shell when ya saw the circle.” Of course Don hadn’t said that, but Raph could imagine the way Mikey had reacted to the creepy circle.

“I did not!” Mikey protested, shoving Raph’s arm half-heartedly. Suddenly his eyes widened, and he jumped up from the bed. Mikey hurried to his door and kneeled down next to it. After inspecting it shortly he turned to look at Raph and pointed at the bottom of the door. “Raph, look! Here are the marks left by Leo’s sword! They’re here- it _did_ happen!”

Raph raised a brow but stood up and walked over to him, crouching down to see the marks. He ran his finger along them- the wood seemed recently splintered. Someone had placed a great deal of pressure on the door. The cut was thin; he knew what kind of marks each of their weapons left. This was done with a sword. With Leo's sword. 

Which left them with the realization that they had left Don alone with their _possibly-and-most-likely-unstable_ brother, who had said swords right there with him. It was true so far nothing bad hadn’t happened, but Raph felt like things were slowly moving towards that- first the meditation, then Leo holding his blades in his hand while walking behind him, then trying to take his swords from Don- now he wouldn’t even need to take them, since he already had them.

How long had the rule of not leaving anyone alone with Leo existed? Not longer than half an hour, and it had already been broken. He had done exactly what he had yelled at Don about. He cursed himself.

He rushed out of the door, Mikey right behind him. The lair was silent; no sounds of fighting or struggling were audible, but that meant nothing. If it was quiet because something had already happened… 

_As if Don would go down without making any resistance…_ Raph tried to reassure himself, trying hard to not think about all the times Leo had taken down a Foot ninja without making any sound, trying hard to not think about how quiet Leo had been when he had held that blade behind his back earlier today.


	7. Breaks you

The door to Leo’s room was once more kicked open, this time startling both Leonardo and Donatello.

“Donnie!” Michelangelo called out as he pushed past Raphael, relaxing slightly when he saw him unharmed. Leonardo was sitting on his bed, Donatello seated in a chair next to it. Leonardo’s swords were in their sheaths again, leaning against his table.

“What’s going on?” Don asked, then eyed the door. “Also, Raph, you’re going to break his door if you keep kicking it like that.”

“They thought I was hurting you,” Leo came to a quick, obvious conclusion, looking away from his brothers, wrapping one arm around himself. “My swords shouldn’t be here. _I_ shouldn’t be here-”

“Leo, no, don’t even think like that-”

“Mike was right,” Raph cut said turtle off, “there are marks on his door. Leo made them.”

Both Leo and Don looked up, startled. 

“What’s fucking going on, Leo?” Raph demanded from the eldest, but Leo’s gaze moved to Mikey, then to the door. They didn’t need to guess what was going through his mind.

“Leo, listen,” Don began before their brother could start blaming himself too much, before he could start planning on leaving. “I still haven’t shown you what we found in the tunnels, I didn’t even talk about that before because- because all of this is just putting a strain on you. I think something there might’ve created these nightmares, that something is still making you act like this. I’m working on figuring this out, so all you need to do is to _not_ blame yourself.”

Don glanced at Raph. “And _we_ won’t be blaming you either.”

Raph nodded before averting Don’s gaze, understanding anger wouldn’t solve anything. Leo didn’t know what was going on; he wasn’t doing this on purpose.

“I tried to hurt you again,” Leo said, like he hadn’t been listening at all, slowly looking away from the door. “You should…”

Leo frowned, seemingly at his own thoughts. He hesitated to continue, but his brothers waited, and finally he did.

“You- you should lock me in here.” Leo lifted his gaze, not looking too happy about the idea, but he didn’t look like he’d take no for an answer either. 

His brothers changed looks. Lock him in here? It felt… extreme, now that Leo was so docile, just sitting there, not even resembling a threat. But there was no denying that Leo wasn’t aware of what he was doing, having gaps in his memory. He still hadn’t actually hurt any of them, but had acted threatening more than once or twice.

“Leo, so far, you haven’t _really_ hurt us,” Don reminded him gently. “You’ve had chances to do so, but you haven’t. You’ve pretty much just… threatened us. And we all know that it’s not you, something is going on, obviously. And as I said, I’m working on that, and if need be, we will take action-”

Something flashed in Leo’s eyes. 

“ _If need be?_ You said I was a danger. You hesitate to touch me.” Leo acted like he had before his breakdown in the dojo. Speaking with anger and frustration. “You _know_ I’m a danger- I’ve _threatened_ you and you’re _scared_ of me, and you think you don’t need to act on that _now?_ ”

Leo stood up abruptly, making Don lean back in his chair. “You think taking action will help _after_ I’ve hurt you?” Leo’s whole body was tense, his fists clenched. Before anyone could react to his words, he was moving, grabbing his swords lying against his table. In one swift motion they came out of their sheaths, his face unreadable as he stared at his brothers. 

“What will it take for you to understand?” He lifted one of the swords, pointing it at them. “ _This?_ ”

Raph was the one to hold his hands up and take a step forward, to be between Leo and their younger brothers. “Geez, Leo! Put the swords down! You’re right, we need to do something. We won’t lock ya up unless we have have to, but like Donnie said, we’re figuring this out-”

Leo’s short laugh cut him off. “Here I am, pointing my sword at you,” he glanced down at his katana, then back up. “Yet you _still_ refuse. You trust me to be able to control myself so that I won’t hurt you- but I’ve already _lost_ that control! I had no idea I cut Mikey’s door! Why do you need to wait until something _really_ bad happens?” 

Raph managed to draw his weapons only barely. Leo attacked, and their weapons clashed against each other, Raph grunting as he braced himself so that Leo couldn’t push him back. Leo’s exhaustion seemed to have vanished- Raph really had to fight back against the push of his swords.

“Why do you make me do this?” Leo asked, his voice cracking towards the end.

Don and Mikey seemed to break out of their frozen state, jumping into action. They could see how Raph struggled; Leo meant business. Mikey aimed a kick at Leo’s legs, but the leader jumped back, away from Raph in the process. Don held his bō between him and Raph, protecting the turtle in red, leaving himself open. Leo pounced at him, his sword cutting through the air easily- Don’s startled look seemed to mean nothing to him as his arm extended, bringing the blade right towards his face. Only Raph’s thrown sai stopped the blade from connecting, striking the hand wielding it, forcing it to drop the weapon.

Leo hissed as the sharp sai cut his wrist, blood splattering to the floor. Leo backed away, but held his remaining sword in front of him in a defensive pose. More blood dripped to the floor, telling them that the hit from Raph’s sai hadn’t been just a scratch.

“Leo, shit,” Raph cursed, staring at the blood. “I- I had to, ya were really gonna hit Don! _Shit!_ ” 

“Leo, stop it!” Mikey pleaded. “You don’t need to do this!”

“Clearly I do!” Leo growled at him. Despite his words, his sword was slightly lowered; when he looked at Mikey he was unable to hide the hurt in his eyes. His anger slowly faded from his voice. “It’s- it’s either this or me doing whatever I was going to do to you just now-”

“Fine, we’ll lock you up! Just put the sword away,” Don joined with a pleading tone. Leo watched his brothers with hesitation. “I’m sorry we were careless. We won’t be, not anymore.”

The apology did it, the sad tone it was spoken with. Leo drew his hand back, and his brothers braced themselves, fearing Leo would still continue- but instead of attacking them, Leo tossed his sword away. It slid across the floor, away from them. 

“The top drawer,” Leo said sternly, his eyes on Raph. After only a moment of hesitation Raph nodded, not taking his eyes away from Leo as he stepped to the drawer and took out the key to Leo’s room. 

“Let’s take care of that wound first,” Don said, eyes on the hand that still bled. “I’ll get the medkit.”

While Don was gone, the rest of the turtles stood in a heavy silence. Mikey had grabbed the sword Leo had dropped first, holding it with both hands, unsure what to do with it. The other sword was far enough, not anywhere near Leo’s reach. 

Leo sat back down on his bed and didn’t look at his brothers, not even when Don came back. He simply held his hand up for Don so that he could start cleaning the bleeding wound.

“Leo, please don’t do this again,” Don began with a small voice as he worked. “We understand your worry. We just didn’t understand the depth of it.”

Leo still didn’t look at them, but nodded. “I’m sorry. I’m just so scared of hurting you while- while I’m not aware of what I’m doing.”

“Ya really forced me to hit ya good,” Raph murmured, rubbing his arm, clearly uncomfortable. 

“I had to,” Leo said, not looking at him. “If I’m a threat only now and then, you won’t see me as one. You wouldn’t have agreed with me if I hadn’t done this.”

They couldn’t really disagree with that. Raph eyed Leo, gritting his teeth. Don started to bandage Leo’s hand, and nobody was saying anything; nobody knew what to say.

“So… what now?” Mikey finally asked. “We just leave you here, Leo? That’s kinda...” 

Leo glanced up at Don, a shimmer of hope in his eyes. “You said you were working on something…?”

“Yes. We found something that I think is a summoning circle, and I was about to start researching it,” Don told him. Leo tensed a little at that.

“A summoning circle?”

“Unfortunately, that’s all I can tell you right now,” Don said, glancing apologetically up at Leo before continuing to wrap his hand. “But I haven’t even begun yet. I’m sure I’ll have some answers soon. Could you try to tell me something, Leo?”

Leo nodded immediately, eager to help.

“Do you remember anything about being near Mikey’s room? Can you tell us about that? Anything helps. Even what you were thinking or feeling.” 

Leo closed his eyes again. “I had no idea I got out of my room, but the more I think about it now, I think… I think I remember. I remember using my sword on Mikey’s door… talking to him... “ Leo winced at that particular memory. “But these memories… they don’t feel real- it’s like recalling a dream. If you guys hadn’t told me it happened, I wouldn’t have even remembered them. And even now, despite knowing it happened, it simply feels like I dreamt it.”

Don looked thoughtful. “So… you haven’t really hurt us. The only time you’ve really lifted your sword against us was just now, and that was your own choice. This- whatever this is- could just be trying to mess with your head- making an enemy out of you just by making you _think_ that you’re an enemy.”

Mikey’s eyes brightened a little with that. “That makes sense! So we just need to make Leo realize that he wouldn’t really hurt us.”

Leo looked unsure, but seemed to be considering their words. “Well, I used to think I would never hurt you, but now… I think I’ve learned to see myself as a threat because of everything that’s happened. I’ve been so afraid of them becoming real that...”

“That you’re now _making_ them real,” Mikey finished for him.

“But it’s not _you_ who’s doing it,” Don said. “Not completely. You said you weren’t aware of having moved out of your room. There’s something more at play.” 

Don was finished with bandaging Leo’s hand, but he didn’t let go of it, simply held the injured limb with both hands while he thought. “Or could all this really have affected your thinking so much that you started doing things without being aware? Kind of like sleep-walking; but more like your subconsciousness has been altered somehow.”

Don fell deeper into his thoughts, and Leo glanced down at his hand his brother was still holding. 

“You were supposed to go,” Leo reminded them, but his voice was gentle. He’d like for them to stay; he didn’t want to push his brothers away like this, especially when he knew they worried about him. But what else could he do? They couldn’t all stay here all the time, and they had seen what happened if one of them was left alone with him.

Raph crossed his arms over his chest, looking at his brothers. “So we really just leave him here?”

Don glanced down at Leo’s hand. “Is the bandaging alright, Leo? Not too tight?”

Leo nodded, but Don still didn’t let go of him. He looked up into his eyes now. “If we go, will you try to get some sleep?”

“I’m not sure if I can,” Leo answered truthfully. “But I can try. I feel exhausted.”

“I bet,” Don said with empathy, finally letting go of his hand. “We won’t leave you alone for long- and when we check on you, we’ll do that two at a time. That should be alright, yeah?”

Leo nodded while sitting down on his bed. He felt a sudden, dreadful feeling like he was a problem which nobody knew how to deal with. And maybe it shouldn’t have been just a feeling- for it was what he really currently was.

“I’m going to get back to my research,” Don said. “We’ll lock the door, at least for tonight.”

Leo knew this whole idea was his, but all of this still stung. It stung that his brothers had to stay away from him, even _fear_ him, but even worse was that he had allowed himself to come to this state. If what Don had speculated was true, if this was just his subconscious acting up… then that spoke volumes of the weak state of his mental side. What had all his meditation during the years, all his exercises to be mentally strong been for if he crumbled this easily?

Leo realized his hands were starting to shake. Don was still looking for a solution- but what if this was just all him? What if he was really just losing it? What if there was nothing to _cure_ this- what if he was simply _weak?_ He glanced at his sword, still held by Mikey. If there was no cure, then he didn’t have many options, if he wanted to keep his family safe...

“-Leo? Leo, do you hear me?”

Don’s concerned voice startled him out of his thoughts, and Leo looked up to see Don kneeling in front of him. Hastily he nodded.

“Yes. Sorry.”

Don gave him a smile, but his worry shone through it. “Don’t worry, we’ll figure this out. You should try to rest now.”

He really wanted to, but knew he most likely couldn’t. Still, the thought of lying down sounded nice. He glanced briefly at his sword again. There was time to figure this out- he was just tired, his thoughts turning desperate. 

“Yeah, I’ll try,” Leo said quietly. If he couldn’t sleep, he could at least try to figure out what he could do for the situation himself. He had meditated on this problem every change he had got, but it was time to try to figure out something else.

“I’ll bring you some tea before that,” Don said and stood up, heading out of the room. Mikey followed him out of the room to take Leo’s sword to the dojo. It would wait for Leo there.

Once that had been done, the youngest joined Don in the kitchen. He watched quietly as Don filled the kettle with water.

“It’s just for tonight, right?” Michelangelo asked after a moment. “Locking Leo in there.”

“For now,” Donatello said quietly. “It’s just… it’s what Leo needs right now. He needs to know that we’ve got the situation under control, that we’ve got _him_ under control. That he can’t hurt us.”

With a sigh Don turned to the coffeemaker; he had a long night ahead of him, the nap he had been planning on long forgotten. “Also, he needs a lot of rest. Maybe he’ll rest easier knowing he won’t be able to hurt any of us.”

Mikey stared silently at the table. “But if he can’t sleep?”

As soon as the coffee was brewing, Don turned his shell to Mikey. “He will.”

Don exited the kitchen, and Mikey knew exactly where he had gone. Mikey leaned against the kitchen counter, listening to the quiet sounds of the coffeemaker, not really thinking about anything. When Don returned, Mikey simply glanced at him. He didn’t need to guess what Don had in his hands.

“I can’t keep doing this forever,” Don said while crushing the drugs into Leo’s cup, “but that won’t be needed. Just until his mind works out the nightmares. Or until I figure out if something else is really affecting him.”

Mikey eyed the powder at the bottom of the cup, watched how it disappeared once hot water was poured over it. The teabag placed into the water quickly darkened the liquid, and it was impossible to tell that the drink had been meddled with.

“He’s gonna know,” Mikey said anyway. No matter how well the color of the tea hid it, Leo would know. If Don hadn’t wanted him to know, he would’ve used a tea Leo rarely drank. 

Don only nodded, “He’ll know, but do you think that he’s going to protest?”

Mikey shook his head. That was the worrying thing.

* * *

Raph stayed by the doorway of Leo’s room while they waited for Don and Mikey. From there, he could easily slam the door shut and lock it if… well, if he needed to. He didn’t think he would need to, but… yeah. _If_ he needed to.

Leo didn’t seem to be in a very talkative mood, and it wasn’t like Raph knew what to say either. The room was filled with silence until Mikey came back with the tea.

“Don went into the lab already,” Mikey informed them as he lowered the steaming cup onto Leo’s nightstand. “Here you go, Leo.”

Leo nodded at him gratefully. “Thank you, Mikey.”

Silence fell over the room once more. Mikey sensed the heavy atmosphere, and withdrew back to the door.

“So… I’m going to go and see if I can help Donnie. Hope you can get some sleep, Leo.”

Leo only nodded at him. When Mikey disappeared but Raph did nothing to follow, Leo finally looked at him.

“You’re not staying, not when you’re alone,” Leo said.

Raph rolled his eyes. “Really? I’ve been here a long time with just you and nothing’s happened. I think Don’s right; you just _think_ that you’re some kinda enemy, and thinking like that makes you act like a wacko.”

“Raph.” Leo felt weary; too tired to argue with him. “We _just_ talked about this.”

“Yeah, but c’mon, locking you up is your solution?” 

“It’s a _temporary_ solution,” Leo said, wishing that his brother would just go. 

“It’s a sure way to make you feel like a threat,” Raph said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Because I _am_ a threat!” Leo looked at his brother in disbelief. “You think I _want_ this?”

“Ya sure like acting like yer some huge fucking threat! Yeah, the dreams scared all of us, but yer the one still so caught up with them,” Raph growled, his eyes narrowing when he glanced at the bandages on Leo’s wrist. “I didn’t need ta hurt ya like that, but because you’re obsessed with the dreams we gotta lock ya up like some wild animal? Didn’t ya hear how many times Don apologized to ya? Didn’t ya see how uncomfortable Mikey was just now? They hate doing this – _I_ hate doing this!”

“I hate it, too,” Leo said, narrowing his eyes, “but I’d rather be locked in here than risk hurting you. I’d rather make you uncomfortable than hurt you. I don’t get why that’s so hard to understand.”

“It’s the damn dreams, Leo! The meditation sessions seemed to help the rest of us, but ya just can’t let this go- but you have to! Ya gotta stop _thinkin’_ this way!” Raph spoke with frustration; it was _Leo_ who didn’t understand, not him.

“How is it just my thinking when I had no idea I threatened Mikey just a moment ago? Should I just do nothing while knowing I could hurt you?” Leo stood up from the bed, his voice slowly rising. “Do you really think I like burdening all of you like this? Do you think I’d rather attack Don and Mikey than have you lock me up until we know what’s going on? What am I supposed to do when I really hurt one of you? Tell you _I told you so?_ It will be my fault, it will be on me _forever!_ ”

There was a sudden sting in Leo’s eyes, an ache in his chest, growing larger. Why wouldn’t they believe him? Why didn’t they understand how he felt, constantly reminded of how he might hurt his family? His voice was quieter when he spoke. “What if it’s you I hurt? What if it’s Don or Mikey? Could _you_ forgive me for hurting them?”

Raph’s anger was diminishing, and he looked unsure now. He took a step closer, reached for him, but hesitated and drew his hand back.

 _Look at that,_ came a thought, startling Leo. _He can’t bear to touch you either._

“Leo, bro, there won’t be anything to forgive,” Raph said, softer now. “Yer always protecting us. Looking after us. Why would that change now?”

Leo closed his eyes. He was so tired. Tired of these self-deprecating thoughts popping up, tired of trying to convince his brothers that he was a danger. Maybe he wasn’t, but he wouldn’t risk it. Maybe whatever was causing this wasn’t making him hurt them because it was waiting for them to lower their guard, just like in the dreams. He wanted to give in, just do as Raph said, trust that he could let this go and just go back to the way things were- but he couldn’t. He couldn’t risk it.

Raph was wrong to trust him not to hurt them. But he didn’t understand that, and it seemed like Leo couldn’t make him understand. Not with words; even attacking him hadn’t really worked. He couldn’t make any of them understand until it’d be too late. Don and Mikey had agreed to lock him up, but they had been hesitant to do so. And Raph. Raph was still here. Stubborn Raph. Anger flared up inside of him again. The ache in his chest hadn’t left- it kept growing, it felt dark, dirty. It didn’t belong in him, yet it was consuming him, painting his thoughts black. He knew his other sword was still lying in the corner of his room. Ugly thoughts filled his mind.

Violence was the only thing his volatile brother understood.

“Get out,” Leo said, his voice even. He clenched his fists, trembling, now hyper aware of the sword in the room.

“Leo…” Raph stepped away from the doorway, coming closer to the bed. Unwilling to let this go, always doing the exact opposite of what he wanted. “Don’t push us away now.”

“Get out,” Leo repeated, dread slowly starting to form in his mind. He would hurt Raph if he didn’t leave. He would do it for real, this time. He was angry and frustrated with him; he _wanted_ to hurt him. Make him see reason. Make him bleed. 

“Get. Out.”

“I know what the problem is,” Raph said, and Leo gritted his teeth. He knew that tone. Raph was trying to rile him up- probably thinking that Leo needed to let these thoughts out by fighting him. But they weren’t just thoughts anymore. It was a _need._ His clenched fist opened; he wanted to grab his sword so damn badly. Wanted to sink it into Raph’s chest.

“I know why this is affecting ya so much, why you’re letting it affect you so much,” Raph continued. “Ya think yer better than us. Ya think that if you’re out of control, there won’t be anything to stop ya. But like I already said, if we lock ya in here, we’re only confirming those thoughts. So I think-”

“What you think doesn’t matter,” Leo hissed. If he was fast enough, Raph wouldn’t even have the time to scream. He would like to hear that, of course, but that would alert the others. Oh god. Where were these thoughts coming from? “It’s happening again. The- the thoughts in my head… Raph, just- just go, don’t be stubborn, not now, please-” 

“I’m the stubborn one? Ha, that’s really funny coming from you, Leo.” Raph took another step closer, not hearing his distress. Raph was making this so easy by being so clueless. Walking away from safety, closer to him, closer to his sword. “We’re gonna talk this through, right now.” 

“I’m literally imagining you bleeding all over my floor right now,” Leo said, his voice broken. He didn’t want to admit it; he felt vile saying something like that. But it was true, and Raph had to understand that he was bad, something terrible. A danger. He looked at him pleadingly. “I’m going to take my sword and hurt you with it, if you don’t leave right now, Raph.”

That halted Raph, made all the anger vanish. Raph didn’t know how to react to such a raw and terrible confession, to the vulnerability Leo was showing in his eyes. Leo fought to stay still and not walk towards the sword. Raph shouldn’t be confused. He should be leaving. 

“No, you won’t,” Raph insisted, coming closer again- this time with sympathy instead of agitation. He still thought he could talk him out of this. He still didn’t understand. “Because we’re going to figure this out. Tell me what this is really about, Leo. I know our life is fucked up; it messes us up every now and then, I know. We can-” 

Leo stepped to the side- he was suddenly fighting his body for real, trying to stop himself from getting closer to the sword. He should say something, but Raph would just blame the dreams, his subconsciousness. He couldn’t focus on words, needing that focus to keep himself in check.

“Shut up and listen to me this _one_ time,” Leo managed to hiss, causing Raph to shut his mouth in surprise. Leo no longer looked at him pleadingly; his eyes were filled with anger again. “If you don’t leave right now it’s going to end up with me putting my sword through that thick skull of yours, again and again until you learn to listen, until there’s nothing but blood and-”

Leo snapped his mouth shut; somewhere in him there was a part of him, horrified by what he was saying, but most of him felt nothing despite knowing that was what he was going to do if Raph didn’t leave. The need to get the sword was piercing his head now- resisting it was agony. Leo groaned in pain, shaking his head to get rid of it all; the pain, the urge to see blood. Pushing through it, he forced himself to continue.

“And it will be Mikey and Don next, all because you couldn’t lock one damn door!”

He needed to make Raph angry. And when Raph’s eyes narrowed in anger at the accusation, Leo knew he had succeeded.

“I get it,” Raph bit out. “Ya need to bring them into this to make me leave. Even now, yer too proud to accept my help. It’s why ya never came to any of us when ya were seeing the nightmares. Ya can’t admit ya need us.”

Raph had seen through his plan to make him leave by making him angry, and took the conversation to another direction. The hurt Raph’s words made him feel was sudden, and it stung. No, it hadn’t been like that- he hadn’t gone to his brothers because he had been so afraid of himself, had been too afraid to get close to them after waking from the vile dreams. How could he have gone to them, when only seconds before he had sank his sword into them?

He needed his brothers more than they’d probably ever realize. That’s why this was all so painful. The thought of losing them. The thought of having to stay away from them. 

Bringing danger to them was unacceptable.

“Yeah, yer letting Don help ya, but if he’s working, he’s in his lab, away from you. And that’s what ya want. To keep us away; this is the same shit all over before ya went to the Ancient One! Ya just _gotta_ suffer alone!”

Raph’s words screamed anger, but his eyes betrayed his hurt. Raph felt like he didn’t want their help, like he didn’t want _Raph’s_ help. Like he was above it. Leo’s heart ached somewhere in the blackness it had sunken in; Raph was his _best friend,_ someone he would always count on. 

Someone he would soon slaughter in his own room.

More violence invaded his mind- but he couldn’t show it, or Raph would worry and stay. He had to push it down, but it was becoming clear to him that he couldn’t. He took another step towards his sword, his control slipping. 

Leo looked up at Raph, still seeing the hurt in his eyes. It wasn’t easy for Raph to lay his emotions on the table, to offer comfort so openly- of course it hurt him when Leo turned him down. Of course Raph demanded an explanation, something, anything, just wanting to figure this out. And when Leo wasn’t giving that, he had to turn back to his anger to hide his hurt.

Trying to make Raph angry had been the wrong way. Anger made Raph strong, stubborn. Leo didn’t need him angry. He needed him hurt.

“Why do you think that is?” Leo watched Raph evenly, trying to not let any emotion show. “You bring the worst out in me. Why do you think it’s mostly you I attack, Raph?”

Raph flinched, staring at him, trying to read him. Leo had to keep going.

“These thoughts- they’re always stronger with you around. I think I was stupid not to make the connection earlier.” With the violent thoughts still looming in the back of his mind, speaking coldly came too easily. “You’re not helping me. You’re making this worse, Raph.” 

It was a horrible lie… but there was a bit of truth there. Only now he noticed how close to his sword he already was; all because Raph was still here. Raph wasn’t even alarmed that Leo was now standing right next to his weapon. Why did it have to come to this? He would’ve felt something warm at the trust his brothers had in him, how much they believed he wouldn’t hurt them, but right now everything just hurt. Had been hurting for a while, for days, and there didn’t seem to be an end in sight.

Silence followed Leonardo’s words. The leader could see how Raphael struggled with what he had said; fighting to figure out if Leonardo really meant it. Perhaps he knew he didn’t, but Leonardo had already made him feel vulnerable, unneeded; the nasty words sealed the deal.

“Fine,” Raph gritted out. “ _Fine._ ”

The chair Don had sat in before was still next to Leo’s bed, and Raph kicked it so hard it flew across the room. Neither one of them reacted when it crashed against the opposite wall. Raph turned his shell to his brother, stomping out of the room. As soon as he stepped out of the room, Leo gave in- he crouched to grab his sword, and just as Raph slammed the door of his room shut, he sank his sword into it. The material was too hard to let his sword sink through.

Now lodged in the door, Leo let go of the sword- only because he was shaking too badly to stand up anymore. The exhaustion of holding the awful thoughts back hit him full force. If something like this happened again, he couldn’t hold himself back like this. 

He knew, at least hoped, that Raph knew he hadn’t really meant his words- but he had still said them. But he could fix that. He’d fix it later. But what he couldn’t fix was this whole situation. He didn’t know what to do. 

He didn’t know how to _not_ hurt his brothers. The thought did nothing to lessen the shaking taking over his body. He knew now he would end up hurting them. And he wouldn’t just hurt them- he would make them suffer. 

Leo fell down on his knees against the door, fighting the sting in his eyes, but it seemed he didn’t have control over that either. He pressed his face against the door Raph had locked after him, the only thing protecting his brothers from him, and soundlessly sobbed against it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	8. Destroys you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that this story is progressing slowly, but from now on I hope you pay attention to the tags and turn away from this fic if detailed violence makes you uncomfortable! There won't be that much of it yet, but. There will be. :D

_ Stupid. What a stupid idiot Leo was. _

Raphael was convinced that Leonardo had fallen too deep into his delusion. Raphael knew he shouldn’t be mad, but it was frustrating that Leonardo was dealing with this by demanding to be locked away, by acting cold to make him leave. It was frustrating that his words had actually made him leave. Well, it hadn’t been just the words- Leonardo had wanted him out, so staying would just have made him even more agitated than he had already been. Raphael had seen how his hands shook, how his fingers clenched and unclenched. Like he had been in pain just standing there. So he had been forced to leave just to give Leonardo some space. 

Whatever it was that Leo was going through, it was painful enough to make him react with his whole body. And the way he had acted and spoken- Leo rarely spoke with such ill intent. He had been desperate to make him leave. And if he really kept imagining them so hurt, convinced it would happen, then Raph could understand why. But with thoughts like that, constantly thinking of something so awful, Leo needed help, not to be left alone. No matter what was causing this, the circle or just his own exhaustion, he shouldn’t be alone. But what could he do when Leo got so stressed from just being in the same room with him?

Well, he hadn’t exactly been listening to Leo, acting quite agitated himself. It definitely hadn’t been what Leo had needed, and Raph groaned at himself. He could’ve handled the situation better. He couldn’t help wishing that all this was caused by the circle; then they could find a way to get rid of whatever was going on. But if the circle wasn’t the full cause, if the problem was Leo himself, his thoughts… if Leo was just…  _ losing  _ it, then how would they fix this? What he had said about their life was true, that it was often crazy, sometimes leaving them a bit… messed up. It wasn’t anything they hadn’t been able to work out, but what if this time… what if this time something had just snapped in Leo? 

They had seen a lot of violence, and a lot of pressure had been placed on Leonardo in those situations. Yet it hadn’t ever even crossed Raphael’s mind that one of them could crack like this. It was obvious that some of the bad situations stayed with them for a long time, but this was new – and scary. Leonardo had always been mentally strong. How could they help him if he was losing it? What would they do? What  _ could  _ they do?

Raph still couldn’t understand how one of them could come up with such violent thoughts. Yeah, Leo had a ton of reasons to be mad at him especially, but this was just so much. Way too much. Their worst fights had gotten pretty violent, but they had never threatened each other with insane violence like this. This was just- just so sudden and weird. The dreams had begun out of nowhere- it wasn’t coincidence they all saw them at the same time. It  _ wasn’t  _ just Leo losing it. 

_ I’m going to take my sword and do something bad with it, Raph. It’s going to end up with me putting my sword through that thick skull of yours, again and again until you learn to listen, until there’s nothing but blood- _

Despite knowing that there was definitely something weird going on, he still couldn’t get the words out of his head. The circle had something to do with all this, but if it was just affecting Leo’s subconsciousness, he must’ve been harboring some really awful feelings towards him. It was true he had placed Don and Mikey in danger, it was true he had acted stupid, insisting that he knew better than Leo what was going on. And just now, he had pushed Leo so far that he had been shaking and threatening him just to get him out of his room.

He had heard Leo striking the door after he had shut it. Why would he have done that if he really wasn’t frustrated with him? They didn’t fight as much as they used to, and when they did, it wasn’t over anything serious. He had really thought they were better now, that Leo respected him the way he respected him. 

_ You’re making this worse, Raph. _

Raph had never been enough, not thinking things through; always too much, too impulsive, too angry. Never good enough. And it wasn’t just Leo’s fault he saw him that way- he  _ had  _ been too angry just now, had been angry because he couldn’t figure out what was wrong, couldn’t do anything to help. And just like all the times before this, he had driven Leo away with his temper. Maybe Leo was right to still have those awful feelings for him.

Raph’s punching bag had been through a lot lately. It took another hit as Raph poured his emotions out on it. He should be in the lab helping Don rather than in here… but he had to let this out or he wouldn’t be any help. He’d show Leo that he could help him- that he would no longer make things worse. 

He’d also show Leo what an idiot he was by trying to deal with this alone. 

Yet no matter how many times he punched the poor bag, Leo’s words kept repeating in his head. No matter how angry Leo was with him, there was no way Leo wanted him hurt. Yet… he did. He’d said it, how he imagined doing bad things to him. If he hadn’t left, would Leo really have done something to him? Raph shook his head, growling. This was starting to get to him as well. He was doing what Leo was doing; giving control to these thoughts. It was the circle. It was the damn circle, making them feel like this.

When the punching bag swung towards him, instead of punching it again Raph stilled it. He leaned towards it, resting his forehead against it. He wanted to talk with Leo properly, now that he had cleared his head, but Leo didn’t want to see him right now. The only way he could help was to figure out what the markings in the tunnel were.

After taking a short, cold shower he peeked inside Don’s lab. As expected, Don sat in front of his computer. Mikey wasn’t far from him, sitting on one of Don’s tables, going through printed papers.

The youngest lifted his gaze. “Oh, hi, Raph.”

Raph grunted in response, walking closer. When he glanced at Don’s screens, he could see that he had transferred the pictures from his phone to his computer. On the bigger screens the circle and the markings around it were more clear, but Raph couldn’t recall having ever seen anything like them before.

“Have ya found anything?” Raph asked, now standing behind Don’s chair.

At that, Don sighed, lifting his hands from the keyboard to rub his face.

“No, not really… I uploaded the pictures into this database, but got no matching results. I should’ve gotten at least something resembling it.”

“Ya think the humans that painted that actually knew what they were doing, or were just fooling around?” Raph asked, still eyeing the screens.

“Hard to say,” Don answered, starting to type again. 

“Maybe they painted it wrong and that’s why you’re not getting any results,” Mikey said. 

“If they were just fooling around or painted it wrong, then it shouldn’t be having any effect on us.”

“Oh, yeah, it would probably be pretty useless then,” Mikey shrugged. “All the places in New York, and they chose the sewers! Why?!”

“A sure way to not get disturbed,” Don said. “And the sewer isn’t exactly a safe place. People like the adrenaline rush.”

“You say that like you don’t like it,” Mikey grinned at him. He then glanced at Raph. “Don thinks the circle has something to do with demons.”

“Demons?” Raph lifted a brow.

“It’s one possibility,” Don said, not taking his eyes off the screen. “I’ve gone through so many websites, trying to find anything related to this, and well, everyone knows circles and demons are a thing. But even if I narrow the search down to demons, there’s still so much to go through. Demonology, eschatology, different folktales and mythologies…”

Don sighed. “I’ve also gone through people’s blogs, you know, reading their real life experiences. Unfortunately, most of them are definitely fake. They haven’t really been helpful so far.”

“But some of these blog stories are super good,” Mikey said, looking at his papers again. “So spooky! These people should make movies!”

Raph glanced at him. “Ya printed out the texts for Mikey cause ya didn’t trust him with yer computers?”

“He poured soda over my laptop the last time I let him use it. He’s still banned from it until the end of the month.”

“Hey, it was an accident!” Mikey protested, but he didn’t seem to be upset about it. It looked like he liked organizing his papers; Don had even given him a few folders for them.

Raph returned his gaze to the screens. “So… if there’s so much to read, how are we gonna figure this out?”

“Yeah, this isn’t really working.” Don closed a few webpages. “Maybe… maybe I should ask April to check out the library… Not every existing book has been scanned to the web.”

“April’s gonna get a good reputation if she borrows a bunch of books about summoning demons,” Mikey said.

“It’s not that unusual these days.” Don shrugged and looked at Raph again. “Raph, you remember our mission with Nobody? Mikey remembered that we took a shortcut which took us right by the tunnel this circle was in.”

Raph frowned before the memories returned to him. “Oh. Yeah, I remember we went through there.”

“See, that’s what bothers me. Us taking that shortcut differed from our habits. And it’s just a little over a week that we took that shortcut- why did it take us this long to remember we went through there? I think the circle has somehow affected that as well.”

“I can’t say that you’re not right,” Raph said, still puzzled that he hadn’t remembered the shortcut before now.

“We started seeing the dreams shortly after we were there. The first time Leo acted threateningly was when we were near that circle. Now if we could just figure out what exactly it is...”

Don rubbed his eyes again, and Raph took a good look at him. His eyes looked bloodshot, and Don was leaning forward, his posture awful.

“You should take a break,” Raph said. It wasn’t a suggestion.

With a sigh Don leaned back in his chair. “I guess I should. I can’t really focus; I’m not getting anything done like this.”

Raph dragged his chair away from the table. “Go, then. I can try to do some reading while you’re gone.”

Don gave him a grateful look. “Thanks, Raph.”

Instead of heading out of the dojo, Don stood still, his eyes back on the computer.

“Don’t even think about it, Donnie, you’re beat,” Mikey said, reading his look. “Just go!”

“You’re still now allowed to touch the computer,” Don reminded, turning to look at him. “And Mikey, if you come upon a really crazy story, just move onto the next one, please…”

“Yeah yeah, but I’m saving those stories for later.” 

Don shook his head. “Raph, keep an eye on him.”

Raph waved his hand, taking Don’s place in the chair. “Ya can count on me.”

He felt a small pang in his chest as he said that. Leo had made it clear that he couldn’t be counted on.

_ No, don’t let it get to you.  _

Don left, and for a while the lab was quiet except for the quiet shuffling of paper and soft keyboard sounds. Computers weren’t really Raph’s area, but he knew how to search for stuff.

“Raph…” Mikey broke the silence after a moment. “Are you okay?” 

The question was unexpected, and it made Raph tense, giving him away. Still, Raph only shrugged.

“Yeah. Peachy. Why ya ask?”

“Did something happen before you left Leo’s room?”

“No.” Raph made sure to keep his voice firm as he said that. 

“Reeeeally? We heard you giving hell to your punching bag,” Mikey insisted.

“I’m always doing that,” Raph mumbled.

“Well yeah, but…”

“Leo just thinks he’s always right,” Raph said, glaring at the screen. “Says all this stupid shit...”

With half of it being true. No, Leo hadn’t really meant it. It had all been just to get Raph out. Maybe.

He heard Mikey’s sigh.

“Even in this situation, you two still fight over that stuff?”

Raph’s frown deepened. It hadn’t even been a fight. Leo had just wanted to cut his head off. No biggie.

“Just keep reading,” Raph huffed.

* * *

When Don got into his room and dragged his blanket over himself, he wondered if he should’ve kept working after all, even for just a little bit longer. But… Raph and Mikey were there now, and they needed some rest as well. Once he’d slept for a few hours, he’d pick up where he left off and let the other two rest. Just a few hours… just a few hours of sleep, and he’d be more clear-headed. He couldn’t help Leo in the state he was in right now.

He wondered if Leo had drank the tea after Raph had left. He didn’t know if the two had fought, but Raph hadn’t been happy after leaving, judging by how much time he had spent in the dojo. He hoped Leo had, and hoped that the tea had allowed Leo to rest properly. Perhaps they could do some reading together after they had both slept; that would give Leo something to do, and Raph and Mikey could sleep in the same room with them. That way they would all be together if something did happen. 

Don didn’t know how long he had been asleep when he woke up to the feeling of being watched. His ninja training had both blessed and cursed him with that ability- which, although, rarely worked if he had fallen asleep during his work. His brothers had managed to throw a blanket over his sleeping form countless times. 

But now he was awake, suspecting that it was either Raph or Mikey checking in on him. Had he overslept? Had he even set his alarm? Don reached for the clock on his table, while glancing at his door.

Someone stood there, and in the dark it was difficult to see which one of his brothers it was. Don squinted his eyes, but that didn’t help any.

“I’m awake,” he mumbled. “How long was I asleep?”

His brother stepped into the room, slowly closing the door behind himself. Don waited for his answer, but when none came, he frowned and searched for his lamp instead of his clock.

He had to shield his eyes when the light came on, but once his eyes adjusted to the brightness, he gasped, instantly wide awake. He sat up, his wide eyes going over Leo’s form- there were splatters of blood on his plastron and arms, the sword in his hand covered in red as well. 

“L-Leo!” Don managed to gasp out. His eyes flew up to Leo’s face, and he froze when he saw the empty look in his eyes. “W… what…”

Leo took another step forward, and normally Don would’ve felt concern for his brother for seeing him like this, covered in blood, but now he felt nothing but fear. Fear for himself- fear for his brothers, since the blood on Leo didn’t seem to be his. Don leaned forward to grab his bō, and that’s when Leo dashed forward. 

With a yelp, Don withdrew his outstretched hand- and just in time. Leo’s sword sank down into Don’s mattress, right where his hand had just been.

“Leo, please, don’t!” Don pleaded, backing away on his bed, jumping up from it. He lifted his hands and took a defensive pose, even though it wouldn’t help him for long when he was against the long reach of Leo’s katana. “It’s  _ me! _ Why are you attacking me?”

It was unnerving how Leo turned towards him with slow movements. Like he wasn’t in any hurry- like he knew he didn’t need to be. This wasn’t a fight for him. Leo didn’t lift his sword, simply stood there and stared at him. He was waiting for something. He- he wanted him to run, Don realized. He wanted to  _ chase  _ him, just like in their dreams.

Don took a hesitant step back. “Leo, you have to listen. Whatever this is- we can help you-”

Leo jumped towards him, and Don started running. He dashed out of his room, headed towards the lab since that’s where he had seen his brothers the last time. Fear washed over him again- there had been so much blood on Leo, what if- what if he had been in the lab already-

_ Please let them be okay, _ he prayed while he ran. He slammed his whole body against the lab’s door, in too much of a hurry to simply push it open. The loud sound made both Raph and Mikey whirl around to look at him.

“What the-”

Relieved that they seemed to be okay but knowing that Leo was still after him, Don glanced over his shoulder as he shouted. “It’s Leo! Get your weapons!” 

Eyes on the doorway Don back stepped into the room. “Do you have them here? Please tell me you do.”

He didn’t have his own weapon, having been forced to leave it in his room, but there should be a spare one somewhere in the lab. But he couldn’t take his eyes away from the door. Both Raph and Mikey appeared on either side of him, holding their weapons at ready. 

They waited, but nothing happened. The lab was silent, only the computers humming in the background. The doorway stayed empty. 

Raph lost his patience first, starting to take purposeful steps towards the door. Both Mikey and Don followed him, but there was nobody outside the lab.

“Leo attacked you?” Mikey asked, glancing at Don, looking for signs of injury.

“He really tried to,” Don said, still keeping an eye on their surroundings. “It was nothing like in the sewers, or when he purposely attacked us. He said nothing, he just… stared at me. He  _ would’ve  _ hurt me had I not ran… Oh, god, there was so much blood on him- what if-”

Another horrifying thought struck all three of them at the same time, and together they headed towards Splinter’s room. Once they reached his door, they didn’t even think to stop to knock. 

Splinter was kneeling in the middle of his room, in his usual meditation position. There wasn’t a drop of blood on him.

“I’ve been trying to reach your brother spiritually,” Splinter said without opening his eyes. He didn’t seem to be bothered even though his door had just been slammed open, like he had expected them to do just that. “He’s plagued with something dark. I sense it now. You should approach him with care.”

That was kind of obvious at this point, but they were simply relieved that their Father wasn’t hurt either. But where had the blood come from? Had Don been wrong- had Leo been hurt, but he just hadn’t noticed the wound?

“We gotta find him,” Don said, still breathless from his encounter with Leo. They closed Splinter’s door and headed towards Leo’s room.

The door was still locked, causing a wave of deep confusion wash over Don. Raph still had the key, and the door was quickly opened. Leo was lying on his bed, and he didn’t react to the sound of the door opening, telling them he was deep asleep.

And there was no blood visible. Leo had pulled his blanket over himself, but if he really had been as bloody as Don had seen him just a moment ago, there would be red visible on the floor and on the bed. There was nothing wrong with the room, except for the broken chair Raph had kicked earlier.

Not wanting to wake Leo up, they backed away. Don stared at the now closed door, flinching slightly when Raph placed his hand on his shoulder.

“So, Mikey had his proof before, the marks on his door, but I didn’t see any blood on Leo,” Raph said, “I think it was you who had a dream, Donnie. Ya just-”

“No!” Don denied him immediately. “It- it wasn’t a dream. It couldn’t have been.”

Mikey crossed his arms. “Well, know you know how I felt when you guys didn’t believe me.” 

Don gave Mikey an apologetic look before he lifted a hand to his head. He should be glad that it hadn’t been real, but- but it had  _ felt  _ so real. If it hadn’t been, then- then that meant  _ he  _ was the one having trouble separating reality from dreams. 

Once again, it was a fact that Leo hadn’t really hurt any of them. How many times had this happened already? He wasn’t a threat- only their own minds were.

“This is just…” Don started, shaking his head. “I feel like  _ I’m  _ losing my mind now.”

“Maybe we all just… need rest, lots of it,” Mikey said. “You were only gone for… maybe half an hour, Don. You didn’t really get any sleep.”

That wasn’t long, considering how exhausted he had been – and still was. Exhaustion was starting to creep back in, since the adrenaline he had felt a moment ago was already leaving his body.

“Yeah,” Don sighed. “Yeah. Maybe you’re right. Perhaps our nightmares left us more tired than we thought. Perhaps they really affected us more than we thought. We saw them for so long- I guess it was hopeful thinking we would completely get rid of them so soon.”

“So, back to bed!” Mikey said, pushing at Don’s shell to guide him back towards his room. “Unless you need something before that? Maybe we could put a mattress in the lab, if that made you feel better?”

The thought of not being alone felt tempting, but after making such a big scene out of a simple dream, Don’s pride had been hurt enough. “Thanks, Mikey, but I’ll manage.”

“Sure thing. But you can always change your mind!”

Don gave him a smile, and headed back towards his room. 

“You coming back to the lab, Raph?” Don heard Mikey ask.

“Well, Leo was asleep, so yeah…”

The rest of their conversation faded away as Don disappeared into his room. He sat heavily on his bed, hoping that his subconsciousness was satisfied with only one nightmare. He still felt a bit shaky over the image of Leo, simply staring at him while so bloodied.

“If this is what Leo has dealt with this whole time, no wonder he’s so loopy,” Don sighed, looking around his room. But no matter how much he looked, there really weren’t any signs of Leo being here. No blood on the floor, even though there had been so much of it on Leo. He lay down again, and decided to leave the lights on, feeling a little childish doing so.

He was convinced that the circle was behind this, but that there was something making their subconsciousness act up. The circle could’ve created the nightmares, explaining why they were all affected in some way. Was it trying to use sleep deprivation as a way to slowly drive them mad? Would he not be able to sleep at all? Well, there was only one way to find out.

As he made himself comfortable, his hand brushed over the spot where Leo’s sword had sunk into his mattress in his dream. He was too exhausted to note the torn spot in the mattress.

* * *

After being left behind the locked door, Leonardo stayed on the floor for a long time, simply trying to get a hold of himself. Striking the door with his sword had been the first time he didn’t have a gap in his memory when he had lost control. It had taken everything to stop himself from lodging the sword into Raph’s shell instead of the door; only when Raph had disappeared from sight he had given in.

He took a shaky breath. There was something in his head. Something he couldn’t control. Something that would make him hurt his family. He had felt it before, but the feeling was clearer now. There was something bad, rotten-

_ Oh, that’s just a part of yourself, kept hidden until now. _

Leo flinched. That had been his thought, yet it hadn’t. He heard it inside his head, it was his voice- but  _ he  _ hadn’t created the thought, had he?

_ I know it’s strange to be awoken into a new part of yourself. Especially when you try so hard to deny it. You don’t feel like it's you. You don’t feel like it could possibly be you. _

“This  _ isn’t  _ me,” Leo said out loud, still leaning his head against the door. “I would never want to hurt my brothers. What  _ are  _ you?”

_ A part of yourself. _

“No,” Leo denied, finally pulling away from the door, standing up on shaky legs. “No. This isn’t me.”

_ I am you; I know what you want, and so do you. You feel it.  _

That he couldn’t deny- the need he was still feeling, the need to go after his brothers, to lift his katana and watch their eyes get wide in disbelief and fear. They were so confused. So hurt that he would go against them. It made it all so much better, breaking the trust that had always connected them. It would be right, it would be  _ satisfying  _ to shatter everything he had protected and cared about. 

A locked door was nothing compared to this new feeling he had discovered. When had a  _ door _ ever stopped them, locked or not? He should’ve known better than that,  _ they  _ should’ve known better. But his brothers hadn’t even felt like the lock was needed. How far would they let this go? How long would they wait until he showed them what he really was, what he would do to them? He wanted to find out. Still standing in front of his door, he grabbed the hilt of his sword and yanked it out.

It wasn’t possible to pick the lock from this side of the door, yet when he grabbed the doorknob, the door opened for him. He stepped out. The door to Don’s bedroom was closed, telling him his brother was there. Probably trying to get some rest; Leo had lost track of time, didn’t know when his brothers had last slept. He headed towards the closed door. 

Opening Donatello’s door woke his sibling up. Good; it would be no fun if he slept through this. 

It amused him when Donatello simply rubbed his eyes, asking about how long he had slept. His brother had no idea how little that mattered. When the lights came on Leo lifted his katana, and in it’s reflection he saw his bloodied form. That made him hesitate- where had the blood come from? Why… why was he covered in it, how…?

Don’s startled voice brought his attention back on him. Right, focus. There was the fear he had longed for. Now they could begin- but instead of running, Don went for his weapon. Leo frowned, and jumped to put a stop to that. He didn’t want a fight. They wouldn’t feel fear with a weapon in their hand. He wanted what they’d had before- the scared breathing, terrified looks thrown over their shoulders as he closed in on them. No chance to defend themselves. Only that pure instinct to flee.

He almost cut Don’s outstretched hand, and felt disappointed when there was no red liquid filling his vision. No matter. He had time. He turned to his brother slowly. He had so much time.

Finally it seemed to dawn on his brother what he wanted. Just as he had hoped for, Don ran, and Leo ran after him. In the doorway he caught up to him, angled his katana to cut open the back of Don’s leg, to slow him down just a little, so that he wouldn’t reach the rest of their family so soon-

Leonardo managed to force himself to take one step to the right- making his right shoulder connect with the doorway, putting a halt to his chase, letting Don run out of his reach. He shook his head and fought his own thoughts- again, he was aware of what he was doing, not forgetting like all the times before, but he couldn’t stop this. He wanted this. Didn’t he?

Nausea made his head spin. What the hell was he doing? He couldn’t go after Don. Had to let him go, so that he’d manage to get help. He had to get back to his room, away from them. But the door hadn’t held him back- why hadn’t it held him back? If locked doors didn’t work, he needed something more to put an end to this. His nausea only grew when he realized how close to hurting Don he had really been. He had to stop this.

Leo dragged himself back to his room, surprised that he could control his steps now. Nothing was trying to hold him back as he closed his door, as he heard the lock click back in place. Nothing stopped him as he dropped his katana from his hand and lay down on his bed.

There was no blood on him anymore, he noted as he drew his blanket over himself.

He laid still, knowing his brothers would rush in at any moment. When he did, he feigned sleep. If he held still, Don would question what he had just seen, they would leave, and he wouldn’t have time to lose himself again. 

The door closed again, but Leo felt no relief. He heard their voices through the door. His brothers were confused and upset.

But they wouldn’t have to fear him anymore. Once their voices faded, Leo threw his blanket away and stood up. His eyes went past the untouched, cold cup of tea to his drawers, and he walked over to them. Opening the bottom drawer he found his kunai; not used in a while, sharp.

_ What are you doing? _

There it was again, a thought that both was and wasn’t his. What  _ was  _ he doing? Putting a stop to this, he reminded himself. He grabbed one of the kunai, then placed his hand on the table, palm up. He held the kunai over that hand. He was making sure he wouldn’t be able to wield a sword. So that he wouldn’t be able to hurt them. 

This time, instead of feeling something trying to make him reach for his weapon, he felt it hold his hand back. Leo couldn’t help chuckling lowly.

“What?  _ Now  _ I’m trying to hold myself back?”

_ What will  _ our _ brothers think when they see this? _

That made him hesitate. He knew how this would look to them, but he was out of options. He knew his brothers wouldn’t understand, just like before, knew how this would hurt them- he felt guilty already, but this was a  _ much  _ better option than seeing  _ them  _ get hurt. Hurting his hands was nothing compared to the things he wanted to do with his swords. These wounds would heal. The wounds he would make his brothers suffer wouldn’t.

Yet… it wasn’t in his nature to inflict wounds upon himself. It wasn’t right. If he couldn’t wield a sword, he couldn’t hurt his brothers- but he couldn’t protect them either.

But there was nobody else to protect them from than himself.

Leonardo fought the resistance in his head and forced the kunai down, slashing his palm open with it. The pain registered immediately, causing him to hiss and jerk away, the kunai falling from his hold. Blood spilled past his fingers down onto his table. The wound was deep, radiating sharp pain. He stared at all the blood for only a moment before reaching for his bed with his uninjured hand, grabbing his blanket and pressing it against the wound. He gritted his teeth when the pressure against the wound only made the pain stronger, but his goal had been to render his hand useless, not to bleed out., so he pressed against the wound. 

He held the blanket there for a moment, waiting for the worst of the pain to pass before grabbing the roll of gauze Don had left in the room. He had wrapped wounds with only one hand before, using his teeth as aid, so it wasn’t new to him. He wasn’t sure if the gauze was enough, he wasn’t sure just how deep he had actually cut, but it would have to do for now.

He stared at the finished result. His hand throbbed with every beat of his heart, and when he tried to grab the bloodied kunai with that hand, he winced and had to withdraw it. He  _ could  _ hold a sword, but it would be painful. And even if he held a sword, he wouldn’t be able to put as much strength behind his strikes with a wound like this. He couldn’t even properly curl his fingers; even something as simple as that made the wound ache terribly.

Despite the pain, Leonardo felt… better. Something had tried to prevent him from doing this, but he had resisted it. He had succeeded in what it had tried to stop; he had control over it. He wasn’t lost to it, not yet. And now he even had a way to stop himself from hurting his family. 

His newly found confidence made him grab the kunai again. He couldn’t hold it in his injured hand, so he placed it in his drawer, shutting it until the drawer trapped the weapon’s handle, keeping it upright, the blade pointing up. Now he only had to slash his other hand against it, and hope his injured hand would be able to hold the roll of gauze so that he could wrap his other hand as well. 

He held his hand over the kunai, somehow very detached to the whole situation. The blood splattered over his desk meant nothing; it was there as a proof of his control. Distantly he felt like it should’ve bothered him- like maybe this wasn’t the right choice- but this felt like his only option, right or not. This wasn’t so bad. He would heal. His brothers would understand, eventually. 

When he tried to bring his hand down, the same foreign force kept him from doing so. Only this time it was much stronger, holding him back with purpose. Leo frowned, putting more strength behind his attempt, hissing when the pain inside his head grew. 

_ The dreams were meant to warn you, _ came a thought again.  _ I tried to show you what you were becoming, but you keep fighting me. Have you truly hurt them yet? _

Leo’s hand paused above the kunai. The dreams and these thoughts had just been a warning? He had tried to hurt his brothers, so many times already, but… he hadn’t drawn blood, not once. The only blood on his hands was his own.

_ I’m the one who has shown you these thoughts, but you’re the one who has made them real. Look at you. Cutting your hands open as your only way not to hurt your family. If the violence wasn’t your own, you wouldn’t fight yourself, you would fight  _ me.  _ How is cutting your hands fighting anyone but yourself? _

Leonardo stared numbly at the kunai. He- he wasn’t fighting himself, he was fighting the thing in his head. The thing that  _ wasn’t  _ him. The needs that weren’t his, the constant images that weren’t his-

His gaze lowered to his bandaged hand. His hand was already starting to feel numb. Had he used too much force? It was bleeding through the white bandaging. He hadn’t bandaged it properly. Did he need to see blood that badly? No, it was just difficult to do it properly with one hand, it hadn’t been done on purpose-

_ Look at your hand and tell me that you’re not losing your mind. Tell me that what you’re about to do is something a sane person would do. _

His eyes moved back to his uninjured hand, still held above the sharp, already bloodied kunai. He felt it, faintly at first, growing stronger; a cold dread, the fear that after all, he really was losing it. Becoming something horrible and tainted. That after everything he really wanted this- for everything and everyone to be hurt and bloodied up.

_ You are right to fear it, _ the words in his head continued.  _ The more you struggle against this, the worse it gets. The longer you wait, the more they will let their guard down. If you injure yourself now, they won’t have the heart to go against you. They will worry about you, try to take care of you. And the moment you can, you will strike them. It’s what you’re aiming for. It’s what I’ve been trying to warn you about. _

No, no, this was to… to stop himself. Not to trick them. Leo looked at his hurt hand again. Or was it? Was he just trying to trick them, trying to keep their trust until he could completely shatter it?

_ Fight them again, while you still have some control. While they can still take you down.  _

Leo closed his eyes, exhaling shakily. No… the voice was wrong. It hadn’t just shown him what he was becoming- it had tried to make him hurt them. Just now, with Don- if Don hadn’t been fast enough, he would’ve really cut him. If he fought them… he’d hurt them, and that was what the voice wanted, what it was trying to make him do. He had to go there without his swords. 

_ Do you think they would fight you then, with you bleeding and defenseless?  _

They wouldn’t… he knew that.

_ They can’t fight you, can’t lock you up. You’re a problem they don’t know what to do with.  _

He was. Even if locking him away wasn’t useless, they couldn’t keep doing that forever. But what if they had to? Had he really become so lost? The voice wasn’t telling him to go and cut them open. It was trying to show him a way to not get them hurt. 

_ Spare them from yourself. Spare them from having to figure out what to do with you. _

Leo felt something tug at his head- made him lift his gaze and look at his sword, still lying on the floor. He felt a sudden piercing pain in his abdomen- his mind was invaded by an image of himself, holding his sword, pointed at himself, blood spilling past his hands as he pushed it through the protective plating covering his stomach, feeling it pierce his internal organs, forcing more blood and fluids out-

“No!” Leo shook his head, making the image disappear. He retreated from both the kunai and the sword hastily. He’d- he’d never do that to himself. Couldn’t do that to his family. It was a ridiculous thought! Don was working to fix this! Cutting his hands was bad enough, he would  _ never  _ do that. He would never. He would never… 

_ He was in the tunnel again, holding both his swords. His hand was wrapped, the wound throbbing under the bandages, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t stopping him from following the trail of blood, mixed in the wet leaves and grime. He could hear the heavy, panicked breathing, and when he took the next turn, he saw his victim. Crawling through the muck, trying to repress his sobs as he held the stump where his leg had once been, now cut off by Leonardo’s sword. It made the chase slow, unfortunately, but the other two were still out there. _

_ “Please,” the broken form before him choked, unable to go any further. “Leo…” _

_ Leonardo lifted his sword. His brother screamed as he took his other leg, screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed- _

With a choked cry Leo shook his head, yet again forcing the images away. He collapsed down on his knees; could almost feel the muck and the puddle of blood under him, and jerked away.

“No, no… It’s not me…” Leo backed away from the imaginary still haunting his mind, backed away until his shell hit his wall. “It can’t... no…”

_ So you decide to keep denying it. You four really are alike. _

A new kind of agony filled his mind- a pain so bright it felt like his brain was melting, something inside his head stabbing the backs of his eyes. It made him choke up so that he couldn’t voice the pain, made him lift his hands and claw at his head, but nothing could remove the feeling. 

The pain was hot and bright, burning away the images of the suffering of his brother, leaving no room for any other pain than his own. It ravaged through his mind, smothering his denial and despair, everything dying with the purging pain. He writhed against it for what felt like an eternity, and when it finally started to fade, there was nothing but careful gasps. After a pain so intense there was an emptiness, a fear of the pain returning if he as much as breathed too deep. 

There was nothing but the empty aftermath, no strength, will or even need to fight when his body moved without him giving the command. Leonardo stood back up, denial gone from his face, from his mind. It was all wiped away, his mind purified, freed, shaped anew.

What he wanted was clear now.

_ I warned you. _

The kunai was forgotten. All he needed was his sword.

It had never felt so satisfying, so right to wrap his fingers around the hilt of his katana. 


	9. Over soon

Frustrated, Raph smacked Don’s keyboard away.

“Easy, Raph! Don will kill you if you break his stuff!” Mikey was looking at him with a small frown. 

“He hasn’t killed ya, not yet at least,” Raph huffed. Mikey really wasn’t the one to talk about breaking Don’s stuff. He tapped the table impatiently.

“This is a waste of time,” Raph continued. “There’s way too much to read. It’ll take us days,  _ weeks, _ to figure this out!”

Raphael stood up, pushing Donatello’s chair out of the way. 

“Where are you going?” Michelangelo asked, standing up as well.

“I’m gonna check on Don, see if he’s getting any sleep now. Then I’m checking on Leo.” Raph hesitated. “Then… shit. I guess I’ll just come back and keep doing some  _ super fucking _ useful reading.”

Mikey nodded carefully, sitting back down. Raph was just frustrated, needing to take a break. Raph rarely watched his language, but he was swearing much more than usual, just one of the many signs of how upset he was.

“Okay… guess I’ll keep working,” Mikey said. For once, he was the one focused!

Mikey watched Raph leave, and looked back at his papers. He had joked about the great stories he had found, having said he wanted to see them as a movie, but to be honest… he was afraid. He had seen and read enough horror to know that demons were no joke. Well, some of the low budget movie demons had been pretty funny, but they were always evil, always caused suffering and chaos. And they were never easy to get rid of. Would they have to perform some kind of an exorcism on Leo? The thought should’ve been funny, a-bad-taste kinda funny, but right now it really wasn’t. 

The computer was free now, and Mikey jumped down from the table to sit in Don’s chair. Did different demons require different kinds of exorcisms, or was there some sort of an exorcism that worked on all of them? What kind of a demon were they even dealing with-  _ if  _ it was a demon? 

“If I was a demon, I would get pretty mad if someone tried to exorcise me,” Mikey mumbled to himself, wondering what would happen if they picked the wrong method and didn’t get rid of it on the first try. “And we  _ probably _ don’t want to get it mad.”

There was also the possibility that real demons didn’t quite work like movie demons did. Maybe it would just laugh at an exorcising attempt. Or maybe it would get scared and leave! Or maybe it wasn’t a demon at all; they still weren’t sure about that. That was, of course, would be the preferable option; that they weren’t dealing with a demon. But if that was the case, then they were back at the starting point. Mikey rubbed the side of his head; why was this so difficult?

“When is anything ever easy in our life?” he asked the empty lab, receiving no answer.

* * *

Raphael had walked through the lair quietly, opening Donatello’s door carefully. Using all of his ninja skills to not make a sound, he stood by the doorway. A small amount of light poured into the room, and Raphael could see how Donatello’s chest moved steadily, telling him he was asleep. 

Something good, then. He closed the door softly, but didn’t leave immediately. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to go to Leo’s door, so he stalled time by slowly turning away from Don’s room. He lifted a hand to rub his face- better to just get it done. Maybe Leo was asleep, and he wouldn’t have to face him. But… he  _ wanted  _ to talk with him. But what could he say? If Leo was awake, would he tell him to go away? He wanted to fix things, but he was afraid Leo didn’t want to. And what if Leo gave him a chance, but he’d just make things worse? What if he got angry again, yelled again… 

Not known to make plans, Raph took a deep breath, walked to Leo’s door and unlocked it. When it opened, his eyes widened- there were splatters of blood on the floor, a bloody kunai on the desk, still dripping with red liquid. Leo wasn’t in his bed. Leo-

Appeared from behind his door so fast Raph couldn’t react. His sword cut him deep in his arm, causing Raph to cry out in surprise; he  _ really  _ hadn’t been prepared for Leo to be freaking  _ waiting  _ for him on the other side of the door, and when Leo kicked at his legs, he went down. His shell hit the floor and he hissed when the fall jolted his cut arm. Blood flowed on the floor from the injury, but he didn’t even glance at it, his wide eyes flying back up to Leo. 

“I knew you’d be stupid enough to come back alone,” Leo said, his voice eerily calm as he watched him.

Leo turned his sword so that the blade pointed at his brother, and when he lifted his hand to strike Raph quickly backed away. The edge of the sword hit the floor, right where Raph had just been, the force of the attack jarring the hand which wielded it. Leo’s attacks would’ve been much more effective if he had used both hands on the sword, which made Raph notice the bloodied bandages covering Leo’s other hand. The bandages hadn’t been there before, only Leo’s wrist had been bandaged after Raph had cut it, so it had been injured since his last visit. And nobody had been here since Raph had been here, so...

“Leo, what the- what did ya do ta yerself?” Raph asked, bewildered by everything that was happening. By the way Leo shielded his hand, the wound underneath the bandages had to be hurting badly. The injury had bled through the bandages, but Raph snapped his eyes away from the hand, looking back into Leo’s eyes. “Why’d you-”

Leo stepped forward, forcing Raph to drag himself backwards until he could jump back onto his feet. Shit. He didn’t really have the time to worry about what Leo had done; he needed to worry about what Leo was doing  _ now. _ He could fight him, but he had left his sai in the lab. Why the fuck had he left them there? He usually kept them with him at all times. Maybe all of this was getting to him as well. He was at a huge disadvantage, even if Leo had only one working hand. 

Like Leo, he had a few small blades on his belt, rarely used, since his sai usually took care of everything. The small knives were usually used to pick locks if he had lost his sai, and in this situation they were useless. Leo had too long of a reach with his sword, and he didn’t want to start throwing  _ knives  _ at his brother. But he had to do something, had to find something to defend himself with. Leo had cut him for real; the cut in his arm ached and still bled. 

“Leo, shit, this ain’t you, whatever’s going on- ya can control it, just like ya did before,” Raph tried, slowly backing away. Talking could buy him some time, time to figure out what to do. He should’ve been prepared for this, after his last visit- he really should’ve been. But Leo had never been this quick to attack him, had never been this intent on landing his hits. Leo had been holding himself back the last time- now there was no any sign of that. What the hell had happened while he had been away?

Leo tilted his head, lifting his katana like he hadn’t heard a word. He attacked without any hesitance, and defenseless, with a bleeding arm, Raph had no other choice than to start running.

“Don! Mik-”

Raph yelled for his brothers, not wanting to get them on the path of Leo’s violence, but needing to warn them- but his yell got cut short when his instincts told him to dodge. Raph jumped to the side, the sudden turn causing him to overbalance and collide with the nearby wall, wincing as his hurt arm got pressed against it- but the ache was nothing compared to what would’ve happened to him had he not moved. He felt Leo’s sword cut the air next to him, and before he could start running again, Leo pressed in close, trapping him against the wall.

Leo pushed against his throat with the side of his arm. The force of it choked him, but not enough to completely steal his air. Raph gasped for air anyway and lifted his arms to push Leo away, but he pressed in with more strength, and Raph dropped his hands, hoping that his “surrender” would make Leo ease his hold.

“You make this so easy,” Leo said, still speaking in that way that wasn’t him. The words were too light for the situation they were in. Too light in general. Leo had been so stressed, overwhelmed by the situation they were in, yet now… he was completely calm. Like a completely different person. “I should be glad that you’re so stupid, Raph. Always going against what I say. What do you hope to accomplish by telling me to stop? Do you think you can change my mind, make me not hurt you?”

Leo’s face was inches from his, yet as he spoke, Raph couldn’t recognize his brother. There was only an unfamiliar coldness in his eyes, his features wrong. Leo pressed harder against him, causing Raph to actually choke now.

“Of course you do,” Leo kept talking, answering his own question. “That’s why it’s so satisfying to hurt you.” 

Raph had lifted his hands again- clawed and pushed against the arm cutting off his air, but Leo wasn’t budging. White spots were already starting to dance in the corners of his vision, so Raph lifted his leg and kneed Leo hard in the stomach. The force of it made Leo lean forward, thus removing his hand from his throat. Immediately Raph took a deep breath of sweet air, moving to kick Leo again, changing his mind when instead of Leo’s arm he felt cold steel against his throat. Leo had angled his katana so that the blade pressed against his neck, not enough to break his skin, but enough to make him stand still.

“It’s useless, Raph,” Leo said, pressing in close to whisper with a deeper voice. “I’ve already decided to kill you first.”

Raph felt nauseous; Leo was holding a sword against his neck, the blade now cutting his skin, whispering to him how he was going to kill him. His heart hammered against his chest, he wasn’t just going to let Leo cut him up- yet he felt paralyzed, still unable to believe that this was happening. He felt a sting on his neck, then something wet and warm- Leo really would kill him if he did nothing.

The pressure against his neck left abruptly, and instead a new agony radiated from his already injured arm. Leo had removed his blade from his neck and cut his arm instead. Now bleeding from two wounds, Raph’s other hand shot up to press against them the best he could. Touching them hurt even worse- the cuts were deep, not enough to bleed him out, but he barely thought about the blood, the pain more pressing on his mind.

“I didn’t say I’d kill you right away,” Leo hummed, turning his sword in his hand. Raph’s shoulders sagged when Leo lifted his hand again, eyeing him as if trying to decide where to cut next.

“Don’t do this, Leo,” Raph pleaded, searching Leo’s eyes, finding nothing familiar there. “I  _ know  _ I’ve hurt ya, but- I’m  _ sorry.  _ Don’t do this, please.”

Something in Leo’s gaze changed then- the hand holding his weapon stopped. But only for a moment- Leo’s features twisted and he slashed at him. Knowing he couldn’t dodge Raph closed his eyes, bracing for the pain. Leo had  _ told  _ him he was the one who made this worse for him, yet he had come here again- this was the price he paid for his decision. 

Instead of pain there was the sound of a chain, something clicking against the blade. Raph’s eyes shot back open; the chain of Mikey’s nunchaku had wrapped around the blade of Leo’s sword, holding it just inches from his skin. With a rough twist Mikey yanked the sharp weapon away from Raph. Not letting go of his sword forced Leo to step back from Raph, but now Mikey was too close to him- he was holding his nunchaku with both hands, but Leo portrayed that strange strength and fought against Mikey’s hold with just one hand. Despite the chain, he could – and  _ would  _ – swipe at him-

Before Raph could move to help, Don’s bō hit Leo’s sword, coming in between it and Mikey. Now unable to strike at them, Leo yanked his weapon towards himself and managed to dislodge it from the chain. Leo backed away from the three of them, and Mikey and Don stepped to stand between him and Raph. 

“I knew it was a bad idea to let you check in on him alone,” Mikey mumbled hastily, only quickly glancing at Raph. “You’re bleeding a lot, dude- are you okay?” 

“I didn’t have my weapons,” Raph grunted as an answer as he pushed himself away from the wall, unwilling to be left out of the fight even if he was weaponless. He had made another mistake just standing still like some kind of an idiot, letting Leo do whatever- shit, he had to get a grip. He really was lucky that everyone in his family was a ninja; Mikey and Don had heard their fight just in time. He couldn’t keep giving Leo an advantage because of his self-blame.

Leo wasn’t moving; he was just standing there, eyeing them. He must’ve realized he was outnumbered.

“I’m really awake this time, aren’t I?” Don asked as he stared at Leo. There was blood on him again, and Leo eyed them the same way he had eyed him when he had appeared on Don’s door earlier. This was definitely real… right? Don’s gaze moved to Raph’s wounds. His whole arm was covered in red by now, even though Raph was again holding his hand over them. The bleeding had slowed down already, thanks to the caked blood over the injuries, but it looked gruesome with all the blood. Don realized he hadn’t smelled blood when Leo had been in his room- but now he definitely did.

“Hate to say it, but I think this is real,” Mikey said grimly, slowly spinning his nunchaku as he watched Leo. “Okay, so it’s three against one. I’m pretty sure you know what that means, Leo-”

Leonardo was unfairly fast. The last word died on Michelangelo’s lips when he moved- he couldn’t dodge Leonardo’s oncoming attack or he’d let him hit Donatello or Raphael… yet he did so anyway. He jumped to the side just in time, but instead of letting Leonardo continue his attack, he kicked at Leonardo’s legs as he passed him. He didn’t have time to put enough force behind the kick, so Leonardo only stumbled. But it was enough to let Donatello attack- unfortunately Leonardo was as fast as ever, easily blocking with his sword. Too easily- he shouldn’t be able to block Donatello with only one hand. Donatello was strong, used to carrying all those heavy machine-parts, and Leonardo often struggled against him even with both hands.

Raph realized they had moved right in front of his room, since their bedrooms weren’t that far from each other. This was where he should’ve gone the second Leo had attacked him- he always had a spare pair of sai in his room. Mentally kicking himself he left the fight to dash inside his room, wildly looking around; where had he left them this time? His room wasn’t usually very messy, but he hadn’t really had the motivation for cleaning lately. Still, this was nothing compared to the stare Mikey’s room was in. He spotted the weapons quickly, poking out of one of his drawers. 

When he returned, Don was trying to talk to Leo. Raph frowned, holding his sai tightly; his left arm protested greatly, but he felt better having his weapons in his hands. Yet he hesitated- he didn’t want to use them on Leo, but words weren’t getting through. Or… were they? Leo had clearly hesitated when he had talked to him earlier. But only hesitated- he hadn’t stopped. Mikey had really saved his ass. 

Leo’s katana met Don’s bō, and this time the attack was so strong that the blade sunk into the wood. Don’s arms shook as he held Leo off, but before Raph could go to his aid, Mikey kicked Leo’s side, sending him away from Don.

Leo steadied himself, and didn’t attack again. He stood there, eyeing his brothers again. The way he watched them made them feel uneasy; his eyes moved slowly, his eyes calm, calculating. Like a predator watching his prey.

The look in his eyes turned dark.

“You simply keep pushing me away,” Leonardo said. “Why are you so afraid of using your weapons on me? I’m not afraid to use mine on  _ you. _ ” 

His next attack was aimed at Don, the blade aimed right for his throat, causing Don to lift his weapon up high- giving Leo room to kick his stomach, the force of the move sending him toppling backwards. In an instant Leo was there again, his sword flashing in Don’s eyes-

Mikey’s nunchaku wrapped around the blade again, holding it in place. Leo didn’t waste any time tugging at the chain, forcing Mikey towards himself. He lifted his knee and it sank into Mikey’s stomach, stealing his breath for a moment. The hand holding his nunchaku went slack, and without bothering to dislodge the nunchaku from his sword, Leo aimed it down at his brother. Only Raph’s sai had stopped him from sinking the sharp weapon into Mikey. 

Raph’s grunt of pain was audible to all of them- in his hurry he had used his injured arm, and said arm shook visibly as it fought to prevent Leo’s sword from connecting with the youngest. Mikey, struggling to recover from the blow to his stomach, grabbed his weapon still around Leo’s sword and twisted it to the side to easen Raph’s burden. 

To his surprise, Leo let go of his katana, freeing his hand and using it to punch Raph. His fist connected with Raph’s face, and immediately blood spilled from his cut lip. Raph’s answer was to growl and return a punch of his own, only for Leo to sidestep out of the way. Right into Don’s path- his bō spun, and Leo dodged only barely.

Leonardo ducked low, grabbing the sword he had dropped, now armed again. He jumped back up and ignored Michelangelo even though he was the closest, going for Raphael. It was easy to attack his injured side, to force him to shield himself with his bleeding arm. Raphael’s face twisted with pain as he lifted said limb, and Leonardo smiled at him. 

Don dashed towards him from his left, Mikey from his right- Leo could’ve stepped back to avoid them, but it seemed like he wasn’t willing to give up on attacking the injured brother. Once they were close enough Leo ducked down, still taking a hit to the side of his arm and the upper lip of his shell from Don’s bō. It didn’t seem to matter to him, since that was the hand not wielding his sword.

Staying near Raph and taking part of Don’s attack allowed him to swipe at Raph again, managing to graze his plastron this time. New blood splattered to the already stained floor, and Leo didn’t slow down, striking again. The sword caught Raph’s injured arm again- cut his wrist in almost the same way Raph had cut him before. Raph cried out, his sai falling from his hold.

Mikey managed to get between them, and kicked Leo’s side to force him away. Leo didn’t even stumble from the hit; he showed no signs of slowing down. They shouldn’t be having this much trouble fighting him, three versus one, especially when Leo had been so tired and disoriented before. 

“Raph! You okay?” Don asked, wanting to look his brother over, but forced to keep his eyes on Leo. 

“Peachy,” Raph grunted, bending down and forcing his fingers to grab the sai he had dropped. The cut on his wrist wasn’t that bad, the earlier cuts hurting worse. Don would’ve come to his aid, but he had to stand between Leo and Raph to shield him, standing next to Mikey.

“Leo, please-”

Don didn’t get to finish whatever he was about to say. Leo wasn’t giving them any time to recover, no longer even trying to listen to them. He came at them, focusing on Mikey at the last moment- Mikey aimed to deflect the sword with his spinning nunchaku, and when he moved forward, Leo ducked away. It had been a feint, and his eyes widened when Don cried out in pain. Don hadn’t been fast enough, and now there was more blood tainting Leo’s sword.

“You know you could end this,” Leo said, eyeing the blood on his katana again. “If you’d just hurt me. If you keep this up, you won’t be able to beat me or defend each other.” 

Don was down; Raph could see blood, but Mikey had kneeled next to him, preventing Raph from seeing how bad it was. Leo watched them, took a step closer towards Mikey.

“Don’t even-!” Raph yelled to get Leo’s attention on him. It worked and Leo turned to him, their weapons clashing together. Raph knew he couldn’t hold out against Leo for long when he had this sudden strength, when his arm throbbed so badly, but Leo had hurt Don badly enough that he still wasn’t getting up- Mikey was calling Don’s name- if he had been badly hurt, he’d-

He’d what? Leo wasn’t holding back. Leo wasn’t showing any mercy. Yet…

“I saw ya hesitate,” Raph said, his arms trembling as he tried to push Leo back. “I know this ain’t you- there’s something bad goin’ on with ya, realize it already!  _ Fight  _ it already!”

The force behind Leo’s sword eased a little, and Raph managed to push him back. The harsh cold in his eyes had disappeared, but the misery that had replaced it was no better.

“I can’t,” Leo said, his voice a strange mixture of his own and that strange, almost distorted one. “I can’t.  _ I can’t. _ ”

Leo twisted his hand, allowing his sword to come free from it’s fight with Raph’s sai – and allowing said sai to puncture his skin. Raph’s eyes widened when his sai sliced Leo’s arm, and thanks to his surprise, Leo managed to use his freed sword to cut Raph in turn. The angle allowed the longer weapon to leave a much worse mark- Raph’s breath hitched as his side was filled with an intense pain. Leo had allowed himself to get hurt just to hurt him worse. A twisted strategy that didn’t seem to bother Leo at all; the desperation was gone already, the uncaring gaze back on his face. 

During that exchange he had given Leo just a cut, while Leo had his sword cutting his side. Raph stared at him, searching for any sign of his brother that he had just seen a glimpse of, not finding anything.

“Leo…” Raph didn’t know what to say. Nothing he said or did reached him. He shouldn’t even need to be thinking anything to say- whatever this was, Leo was supposed to be fighting it- was supposed to overcome it. Yet it was clear, had been for a while, that despite their hope Leo wouldn’t overcome this. He had said he couldn’t. He had given up. 

Raph looked him in the eyes. Fighting was useless, words were useless. He didn’t know what else to do than to plead with his eyes. Leo’s sword was still pressed against his side, but in this angle it pushed against the side of his shell, preventing Leo from cutting deeper. Raph was sure he would’ve done just that if he could’ve. Now he could only hold the weapon there against the wound, but even though the weapon wasn’t moving, waves of agony were radiating from the wound. Raph let go of his sai again, ignored the clatter as it hit the floor, dropped his hand over Leo’s hand holding the sword. He didn’t try to push Leo and his sword away, just held his hand there, and squeezed his fingers lightly.  _ I trust you. Don’t give up. _

Raph’s breath hitched when Leo’s sword disappeared from his side, and the pain forced him down on his knees. Before he could fall on his face he felt someone catch him, holding him up. He shook the dots from his vision, and when he opened his eyes again he saw Mikey instead of Leo. 

“Raph! Raph, you okay?” Mikey’s worried eyes searched his face. “Raph?”

“Told ya I’m just… peachy,” Raph grunted. God his side hurt. He lifted his hand to touch it, feeling blood- but not too much of it. Once again Leo hadn’t cut too deep, but the spot between plastron and shell was such a vulnerable one that it hurt like hell.

“Okay, good,” Mikey said, his voice a little shaky. He didn’t sound like he believed Raph at all. “You’re bleeding too much.”

Mikey looked away from him, and Raph followed his gaze. He saw Don, feeling some relief seeing him on his feet. There was blood on his chest, but the fact that he was up meant he wasn’t bleeding out or something like that. He was slowly walking closer to Leo, and Raph wanted to yell out, wanted to tell Don to stay away- when he realized that Leo had dropped his sword and was holding his head between his hands, backing away from them.

“What happened, Raph? Suddenly he just stopped attacking.” Mikey pressed against his side, and Raph closed his eyes as he gasped from the pain. Quickly he forced them open again to stare at Leo. Had he managed to get through to him? 

Leo fell down onto one knee, and Don dared to get even closer. Leo dropped his hands down onto the ground as well, to steady himself- no, not to steady himself. Raph and Mikey saw what Don didn’t- how Leo’s hand reached for his dropped sword. Before they could do anything, Leo slashed at Don. Blood splashed over Leo, coating his sword, his plastron, even a part of his face. Raph felt his heart skip a beat, Mikey’s yell died in his throat- Don looked confused as his hands came up to feel his chest, which was now bleeding, painting his stomach and hands with a dark red.

Raph broke out of the shock first, ignored the burn in his side and attacked with an outraged roar- in a flash he had managed to take Leo down, bled all over him from his wounds, didn’t care for a second- only aimed to get his hands around his throat, why, he wasn’t sure- he didn’t want to hurt Leo, but kind of did, too confused and hurt to figure out what he wanted. For a moment he’d been so sure he had gotten through to him- yet here he was again, cutting Don without any hesitancy- the disappointment and hurt took over.

He did what his instincts told him, attacked the source of his pain and rage, the one who had hurt his brothers. His hands wrapped around Leo’s throat, but before he could put any force in his hold, he froze. There it was again, the pain in Leo’s eyes instead of that cold mask.

Leo’s hand came over his, much like Raph had placed his hand over Leo’s just a moment ago. It wasn’t there to fight his hold- it was there as a plea, just like his had been.

“I can’t stop, Raph,” Leo choked. “So you stop me. Please.”

Leo squeezed his fingers just like he had done to him, and then tugged at them to better get them around his throat. Raph’s eyes widened when he realized what Leo wanted him to do. He snatched his hand away, but stayed on top of Leo to keep him in place.

“Don’t,” Raph hissed at him. “Don’t  _ ever  _ ask me to do something like that. Don’t fucking give up.  _ Promise  _ me ya won’t.”

Leo closed his eyes and groaned in pain. His control seemed to be slipping again, but he was fighting it. Raph dared to use the moment to glance over his shoulder at his younger brothers. “Mikey! How’s Don?”

“T-there’s a lot of blood,” Mikey said. “But it’s not that deep. Just… just bleeds a lot.”

“He doesn’t want to kill us, not yet,” Don spoke, bringing Raph even more relief. Don’s voice trembled, but at least he was speaking, so it couldn’t be that bad. “Need to- to do something about these wounds. You too, Raph…”

What Don was saying was obvious, telling Raph that he had to be light-headed- and as if on cue, Raph’s world tilted again, but he shook his head to get rid of the dizziness. Don was right, Leo hadn’t aimed to kill, so their wounds weren’t as bad as they could’ve been, but he had been bleeding for a while now. 

Raph returned his gaze to the brother under him. Leo’s eyes were open again, but he stared past him, his eyes slightly glassy. “Leo?”

Leo pushed against his injured side so suddenly that Raph was forced to roll off of him. He hissed in pain, curling up a little- he was in enough pain without anything touching his wounded side. Leo was on his feet in a second, but so was Mikey. The youngest had his weapons in hand already, unwilling to let anyone get hurt further.

But Leo wasn’t looking at any of them. He held his remaining sword again, but turned away from them, staggering a little as he started to walk away. He moved like he was having trouble walking despite being mostly uninjured. He was a crude sight, splatters of blood coating his skin, leaving bloody footsteps in his wake.

Mikey opened his mouth to call after him, but Don and Raph were badly injured. He was unsure if his brother was himself or not, so it would be a bad idea to get his attention back on them. But where was he going? Mikey stared after him, anxious to follow... but Raph and Don needed him. Both were struggling to get up, still bleeding. If Leo decided to change his mind and attack again, they would be easy targets. 

* * *

Leonardo winced as he took another wavering step. His brain was on fire again, like something was clawing the insides of his head, trying to make him change his mind and go back, but he refused to let it get through. The pain had already defeated him too many times, and he knew it was only a matter of time until he’d lose again, until that dreadful pain would take over- so he had to get away, as far as possible, had to give his brothers time to collect themselves, had to… figure something out. 

But the burn inside made it hard to think. He knew that if he gave in, if he turned around, the pain would ease. He’d get what he wanted, he’d get to watch them bleed and suffer-

_ Look at you, covered in the blood of your brothers. _

Leo closed his eyes when that voice appeared again. Every word felt like a hot knife inside his brain. He gasped, had to stop to lean against the nearby wall. 

“Won’t… it won’t happen again,” Leo gritted out. He’d take the pain. He wouldn’t submit to it. During the fight they had moved away from his room, but he was nearing it, almost at the door now. He was so close. If he could make it there-

_ Then what? You’ll reach your room, but you won’t hold out much longer now. How can you stop yourself? The hand you cut earlier didn’t stop you.  _

Leo gritted his teeth. Held his sword a bit tighter.

_ You’ll need something more. _

He felt a phantom pain around his stomach.

_ Look at yourself. _

Even without looking he felt the warm blood on his skin, felt the wounds he had given his brothers like they were his own. Why hadn’t they been able to take him down? He was supposed to be tired, and even if he hadn’t been, they should’ve been able to win against him.

_ You know how this ends. _

Bodies lay before him. Empty eyes stared at him. Sightless, bleeding. Unmoving, cold to the touch.  _ No! _ Leo shook his head, tasting blood as the burn in his head grew stronger again. He stood still, struggling with himself. He didn’t even know what he was fighting- going back meant hurting his brothers, going in his room meant hurting-

“Leonardo!” Splinter’s demanding voice made him flinch and open his eyes. “My child, what happened?”

_ Father. _ Father could help him.

“Are you alright, my son?” Splinter stood in front of him, looking at all the blood on him, shocked. “Where are your brothers?” 

Splinter’s eyes were taking in the sight of him, seeming to realize that the blood wasn’t his. Leo’s mouth worked. What could he say? Did he  _ deserve  _ to ask for help at this point?

“What… what have you done, Leonardo?”

There it was. His Master knew he had done something horrible. The responsibility and blame was on him. Splinter knew what he was. Had he always known, had he been aware of the darkness inside of him? Had he trusted his son to overcome it, and was now shocked to find out he had been wrong?

“I’m sorry, Master,” Leonardo managed to gasp. “I… I couldn’t...”

All his Master’s expectations, all of his trust. For nothing, for Leo had allowed this to happen.

“Leonardo.” Splinter came a few steps closer. “Your brothers. Where are they?”

Stunned, Leo glanced back over his shoulder. It would be easy to follow the lines of blood he had left after himself. But he didn’t want his Master to go- he needed him here. Needed his help, guidance- needed someone to tell him that this wasn’t  _ him, _ that there was a way to beat this. That there was a way to regain some sense of sanity. That there was  _ help  _ for him.

“Wait here. Do not go anywhere,” Splinter ordered firmly, then hurried past him. Leonardo turned after him in growing panic- he couldn’t be left alone. He felt something trying to get him to walk in the opposite direction, to keep him from speaking. 

Suddenly it was  _ very  _ important to not be alone.

“Master, please, wait,” he pleaded, and his Master turned to glance over his shoulder. “I think I might-”

His throat felt tight, something snapped his mouth shut. He couldn’t continue. 

Splinter kept staring at him, but when the turtle didn’t continue, he frowned and turned around again. “Stay there. I will be back shortly.” 

Leo stood there, paralyzed. His mouth still wouldn’t open, his legs wouldn’t work. He wanted to try to go after his Father, wanted to see his brothers, wanted to make sure they were alright- but he knew they weren’t, knew what’d happen if he went there.

He saw the blood on them again. Saw the shock on Don’s face, the splatters of blood. Oh god. What had he done? What if- what if-

_ You know your Father will take care of them, _ the voice told him. It sounded soothing for once.  _ But there’s still something you can do for them. _

More images in his head, but Leo quickly shook his head at them. No… no. He was out of options, had been for a while now… but… the way Raph had looked at him- like there was still hope-

_ This is the only way to save them, Leonardo. Your brothers just don’t understand that. As a leader, you do. _

He was made to look down at his hands, and he stared at the blood they were stained with. His family’s blood.

_ Be the leader they need. Be the  _ big brother _ they need. _

The pain eased when he realized he could still do his job. That there was, after all, a way to protect them. He had known that for a while, of course… knew that it wasn’t really an option… but there was nothing else he could do, not anymore. The voice had been right all along. The best thing to do now was to finally listen to it.

Yet the misery and despair of what he was about to do came rushing back when he allowed himself to continue towards his room. He didn’t want to, but knew he  _ had  _ to- had to fill the role he had failed so miserably for so long. He had to be what his family needed. Had to  _ do  _ what his family needed. 

His hands trembled when he locked the door from the inside. It wasn’t needed, but… Leo lifted his hand to his face, smearing the blood there. His eyes blurred with unsheathed tears.

_ Don’t worry. It’ll be over soon. _

_ Now kneel and turn the blade... _


	10. Standing by

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! ~~I'm trying but this story is a mess~~
> 
> Once again, please note the tags! Blood & self-harm in this chapter.
> 
> Also woo new Rise ep tonight, I'm looking forward to it!!

The moment Leonardo had disappeared from sight, Michelangelo had hurried into his room to retrieve the bandages he knew they had left there before. He had already started to wrap Donatello’s chest when they heard the familiar sound of Master Splinter’s walking stick. They all lifted their heads to see their Sensei appear into the corridor where the fight had taken place.

“My sons- are you alright?” With one quick glance he could see that his sons were injured and bloodied, but not in immediate danger. “Tell me what has happened. Did Leonardo-?”

“Master, help Raph,” Don asked hurriedly, and the old rat didn’t hesitate to do just so. He kneeled down next to Raph, who had clearly tried to wrap his side on his own, but had now given up and was just pushing himself up from the floor. 

“No, Master- ya have ta go after Leo,” Raph protested, but Splinter simply grabbed the roll of gauze Raph had abandoned and continued to wrap it around the hurt turtle. Raph gritted his teeth to not react when the material connected with his wounded side. “ _We_ need ta go-”

“What you need to do is to stay here and treat your wounds,” Splinter said sternly while he worked. “I will go after Leonardo and get this sorted. I was alerted when I felt your pain in my meditation- I apologize for not realizing how serious the situation was.”

Reading the agitated mood of their Father, Mikey spoke up. “It’s not Leo’s fault, Sensei. Something made him do this.”

“It’s the circle we found in the tunnels,” Don said, certain it was the cause. He hissed as Mikey started wrapping another layer of bandaging around his chest. “I should’ve listened to him, I should’ve kept working… What- what if it really is a demon?”

“A demon?” Splinter asked, glancing at Don.

“I’m pretty sure what we found was a summoning circle, so-”

“Talk later, Don! Someone needs ta go after him,” Raph cut him off, about to stand up again, but Splinter placed a hand over his shoulder to push him back down. 

“Your brother wasn’t injured,” Splinter said. There had been splatters of blood all over him, but Splinter hadn’t noticed any bleeding of his own, except for a small cut on his arm. “He attacked you and your brothers. Why are you in such a rush to go after him, Raphael?”

“He told me to…” Raph looked away as his thoughts went back to Leo’s plea to stop him, how he had urged Raph to tighten his hold on his throat. Leo had looked desperate. Like he’d given up. Like- like there was no other solution to this than to…

And now Leo was alone out there. Raph didn’t even want to think that Leo would… try to do something that desperate to stop himself, but he had already hurt himself before by cutting his hand. Leo really wasn’t himself right now. He wasn’t seeing any way out of this. 

“He can’t be alone, not right now,” Raph ended up saying, anger gone from his voice. “He- he’ll do somethin’ stupid.”

The look in their Father’s eyes changed as he seemed to think back to the moment he had ran into his eldest- and when he met Raphael’s look, he seemed to understand what he was trying to say. He recalled the haunted look in Leonardo’s eyes, how he had tried to tell him something, had asked- even pleaded- for him to not go, yet he had left him there.

“You are right, my son,” Splinter said hastily, now finished with wrapping Raph’s wound. He stood up. “I will not make another mistake. I will go after him.”

“No, I’m going too,” Raph grunted, and this time his Father gave in and helped him stand up. Mikey was finished with Don’s bandages, and helped him up as well.

“You sure you’re okay, Donnie?” Mikey still asked, gaining a firm nod as an answer. Don allowed Mikey to keep him balanced, even though he didn’t really need it, while Raph walked stubbornly on his own, ignoring his pains, driven by the horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach.

They followed the trail of blood Leo had left in his wake with growing anxiety. It was exhausting to fear someone they trusted with their whole being, and it was _scary_ that that trust had started fracturing. Was Leo waiting to attack them again, or had he done something to try to stop himself? Both options were bad, but if he attacked them, they could fight back. If he had attacked himself… 

The blood led them towards Leonardo’s room, and as they neared it, Splinter looked back at his sons.

“Donatello, Raphael. You will stay back, since you two are injured. Michelangelo, you will come with me, but you will stay behind me unless I tell you to aid me. Is that understood?”

Don and Raph both felt like arguing, but the intensity in their Master’s eyes told them it would be useless. At least they were allowed to be near, so they nodded hesitantly. Mikey let go of Don, making sure he was fine standing on his own, then stepped next to their Sensei.

“Last time I opened his door, he was waitin’ for me behind it,” Raph warned them. The way Leo had attacked them just now had been intense- he could still try to fight them.

Splinter nodded at that, and Mikey drew his weapons. Once they were all ready, Splinter pushed the door open. At least he tried to- but the door was locked from the inside. Not a good sign.

“Leo!” Mikey yelled before anyone could say anything. “Leo, can you open the door?”

They waited but got no response. 

“Step aside,” Raph growled, clearly ready to run the door down. Splinter lifted a hand to stop him.

“There are easier ways to open locked doors, my son,” he said while starting to work on the lock with one of his long claws. He glanced at Raph over his shoulder. “I believe I have already taught you the skill of picking locks, my son.”

Raph only huffed, putting down his fists. 

Once the door clicked open they took a step back, readying themselves. They were prepared for an attack, for Leo to be silently waiting for them so that he could strike first. They were prepared to find Leo with bleeding hands again, maybe something even worse… but they could never have been prepared for _this._

Leo was kneeling in the middle of the room, holding his sword, the sharp point of it turned towards himself. Fresh blood flowed past his hands, dripping on his thighs from the blade of the sword he was holding. He was hunched over, trembling- from this angle, it was impossible to see how deep in him his sword was.

“ _Leo!_ ”

Despite their Master’s orders, the turtles dashed forward. Cautiosity was thrown aside, their own pains mattering little when their brother was kneeling there with a sword in his stomach. Cold panic had seized them- they didn’t want to believe what they were seeing was real, that the worst had come to pass, that this was really the only solution Leo had found. 

They didn’t want to think that they might be too late.

Mikey was the first to reach him, falling on his knees next to him. He grabbed Leo’s shoulder to pull him from his hunched position so that they could see the damage. The overwhelming relief left them shaken- the sword had only grazed Leo’s plastron. All the blood was coming from his hands. Leo hadn’t stabbed himself, but hadn’t been far from it. His hands were holding the sword so tightly that the edges of the weapon had sunk deep into his palms, and that was why there was so much blood.

The blade had even sliced open the bandages covering Leo’s already injured hand. It looked like the other hand was pulling at the blade, while the other was pushing. Like Leo couldn’t decide whether to put the weapon away or sink it into his stomach.

“Don’t,” Leo gasped out suddenly. He stared past them with empty eyes, like he wasn’t even aware they were there. “Don’t make me- _no-_ ”

The intense relief had left them paralyzed, but hearing Leo’s pleading voice kicked them back into action. Even though bleeding hands were better than having a sword in his stomach, there was still too much blood. And the blade was still way too close to Leo’s plastron.

Mikey grabbed Leo’s wrists and pulled his hands away so that the tip of the sword wasn’t pressed against him anymore. He was surprised how easily he managed to maneuver Leo, surprised how much weaker he seemed now than just a moment ago. It was easy to move his hands. There was no resistance at all. But his pained cry startled him- moving Leo’s hands had made the sword dig into his wounds.

“Sorry! Sorry,” Mikey apologized hurriedly, cringing as he looked down at all the blood. Leo’s hands had to hurt so bad; there was no way Leo wanted them to be touched in any way, but they had to make him let go of the blade. Now that the blade was away from Leo’s stomach Mikey focused on Leo’s right hand. He tried to wedge his fingers under Leo’s to loosen his grip on the sharp blade, trying to not cut himself in the process. To Mikey’s surprise Leo let go of the sword almost immediately, while his other hand held it stubbornly despite the pain it was clearly causing him.

“Leo, let go of the sword,” Don urged, his voice soft despite his still wildly racing heart. He was holding the hand still pressing against the blade. Leo’s eyes moved slowly to Don, as if he was only now noticing that they were here.

“I- I can’t,” Leo breathed out slowly, wincing when he tried to move his hand.

“It’s okay, just try to relax your fingers,” Don encouraged, managing to slide his fingers under Leo’s. He felt the sharp edge prick his own skin even though he had barely touched it- he felt slightly nauseous when he realized _just_ how well the sword had been sharpened. With so many sleepless nights, Leo had had a lot of time to sharpen his swords. Their plastrons made them well armored, but with enough force a weapon like this would’ve easily penetrated it. And it was this katana Leo had just cut _them_ with- no wonder he had managed to draw blood so easily. 

Leo cringed when they touched him, but his hold was getting weak, the tremble in his hands only getting worse. Finally Don managed to lift his fingers, and Mikey slid the sword away from him. Don held Leo’s hand lightly, his touch extra careful because of the awful wound. So when Leo suddenly pulled said hand away, Don immediately lost his grip, for his fingers were slick with Leo’s blood, and he hadn’t held on very tightly. 

With his injured hands Leo reached after the sword Mikey now held. He was suddenly fast again, intent on getting the weapon back- Raph snatched his wrists in one quick move, even though Mikey was already backing away with the sword.

More blood spilled to the floor as Leo’s wounds bled freely.

“Come on, Leo! Focus, ya don’t need the sword!” Raph’s voice was raised, but he wasn’t yelling. He definitely _felt_ like yelling, wanted to ask Leo what the fuck all of this was- why would he ever even _consider_ something like this- but he already knew why, knew it hadn’t been him. _Hoped_ it hadn’t.

He understood that yelling was the worst thing he could do right now. Leo looked at him in confusion, like he was struggling to understand what had been said to him. And he didn’t look just confused, but shaken and disoriented as well. So much different than when he had been attacking them. Less murdery, more like his usual self despite the confusion and exhaustion. So if Leo was more like himself, did it mean it had been Leo who had been holding the sword and not that weird part of him? The thought made him feel sick. Their leader, who never gave up, never allowed them to give up- had been feeling so trapped that _this_ had been his only way out.

Leo’s hiss of pain shook Raph from his thoughts. Leo was looking down at his hands, wincing as he opened his palms. He stared at the deep wounds, swaying a little, but Don hurried to steady him. Mikey had tossed the sword away and came back next to them. 

“Bandages, we need-”

“Here.” 

While they had focused on taking the katana away from Leonardo, Master Splinter had gone back to receive the medical kit. Leonardo’s wounds were deep enough to need stitches, and quickly. Donatello suspected that Raphael’s arm would need some stitching as well, but he’d have to take a look at him once the situation calmed down. Leonardo was losing a lot of blood, and Donatello feared that he had permanently injured his hands.

Don wasn’t feeling that well himself, his chest aching under the bandages wrapped around him, but he was too focused on the task to give it any thought.

As Don started to work on cleaning the wound so that he could start stitching it, Leo hissed under his breath again, tried to pull his hands away. But Raph and Mikey were now holding onto him tightly on either side of him, and after a few pulls, Leo seemed to give up and allowed them to touch his hands despite the pain. Suddenly drained, Leo leaned against Mikey, blinking hard to keep his eyes open. 

“I… I’m…” Speaking clearly wasn’t easy for Leo, yet he tried stubbornly. “I almost...”

“It’s okay, Leo, it’s fine,” Don told him, giving him a small smile. They all knew it wasn’t fine, still unsure what exactly had been going through Leo’s head – would he really have- have done it if they hadn’t arrived in time? It had seemed like Leo had been holding himself back more than actively trying to sink the sword into himself. It had looked like an inner struggle, which it probably had been. “We know something tried to control you when you attacked us. Did the same thing happen… just now? Did it make you do this?”

He didn’t really want to push Leo in any way right now, didn’t want to agitate him with the question, but he felt this intense and horrible need to know. He needed to know what they were dealing with- needed to know if Leo had been forced to do this, or if their brother, the real him, had really just been about to kill himself.

By the way Raph and Mikey were holding their breaths, looking vulnerable in a rare way, they needed to know the answer as well. 

Leo closed his eyes and exhaled slowly.

“I don’t… know,” Leo mumbled, pausing for a moment as he trembled from the stinging pain radiating from his hands, “I just- just knew I needed to, but I couldn’t- I kept thinking about you-”

Mikey wrapped his hands around Leo’s shoulders for a small hug, gentle enough to not stir him too much, but still pulling out a pained breath from him. He backed off quickly, but his hand stayed on Leo’s arm.

“Sorry, I just…” Mikey lifted his other hand so that he could hold Leo’s arm with both of them. “I’m so glad that you… that you didn’t…”

It was too much to say it out loud.

“We all are,” Don said quietly, giving Leo a smile which, despite the love and care behind it, obviously hid a lot of worry and pain. As Leo watched him he knew that this moment, the fragile smiles, careful hugs, quiet words- they would all pull at his heart for a long time. He had hurt his brothers so bad- first by attacking them, and then by- by letting this weakness and fear take hold over him like this. By letting them see him like this.

Even now, after faintly realizing what he had been about to do to himself, to his _family,_ the sword was still in his sight. Thrown away from him, but there it was, his blood coating it as it should. It was a disorienting feeling. Despising that sword, yet _knowing_ it belonged in him. Not in his hand, but sunken in his stomach. Leo gritted his teeth and forced himself to look away.

“Those thoughts… they’re still t-there.” Leo shook his head as his words slurred together. “Can’t- think of anything else-”

Leo’s other hand, held gently by Raph now that he wasn’t moving or resisting their touch, shot up and grabbed the hand Don had started to stitch. Leo forced his thumb past the needle into the still open wound, and cried out loudly as new blood gushed out of the injury, as the pain intensified. Immediately that hand was grabbed again, tugged away, leaving Leo shaking even more, now breathing heavily.

“Jesus! What the fuck was that!” Raph cursed, holding Leo’s arm with both hands, ignoring the sting in his own arm the sudden moving had caused. 

“It keeps making Leo hurt himself,” Don muttered with a pained voice, setting the needle away. He hadn’t gotten very far with his work, and pressed down on the wound with some gauze to keep it from bleeding. “It’s like- like it’s trying to stop me from stitching his hand. I can’t work like this. Maybe… maybe I could use another sedative...” 

“What does it want?” Mikey asked quietly, watching Leo as he tried to get his breathing back under control. He took a better hold of Leo’s arm, gently rubbing it, trying to bring him some comfort. “First it tried to hurt us, and now it’s hurting Leo…”

Master Splinter, who had been silent as he had listened to his sons, kneeled down next to Donatello. The turtle made some room for him so that Splinter could sit in front of Leonardo. 

“My son, look at me.”

Slowly, Leo lifted his eyes up to him. It took a moment for his eyes to focus, but once they did, they stayed on their Sensei.

“As I understand, there’s something inside your head, causing you to do these things.”

“I… I keep hearing a voice, and I don’t know if it belongs to me or someone else.” Leo shifted uneasily as if he was ashamed to admit it, looking away. “I’m scared it _is_ me.”

“It’s not you, Leo,” Don hurried to say. “The circle has definitely affected you somehow. We all know you would never do things like these.”

Leo glanced up at Don carefully, hopefully. He knew something had messed with his head, whether it was his own exhaustion, or something dark in him, or the circle. But his mind had been so foggy for so long that it had become impossible to separate his own thoughts and feelings from… whatever it was that was causing this. It was difficult to think that this was caused by someone or something else when it was all happening inside his head.

“Donatello is right, my son,” Splinter said calmly, lifting his hand up to the turtle’s face. He petted his cheek softly, causing Leo to move his gaze back to him. 

“You have never displayed violent thoughts towards your family, always the very opposite. These thoughts are new and sudden, are they not?” Leonardo nodded, and Splinter continued. “These thoughts aren’t yours. I can sense a darkness, a darkness that isn’t you.”

The rat’s heart ached at the amount of hope and sorrow in Leonardo’s eyes. 

“There is... something I could try to help us discover the source of this,” Splinter said hesitantly. “I didn’t think to try it before, for I didn’t think it would be of any aid to us. And now your mind is under an attack of some sort- I fear it would simply bring you unnecessary hurt, Leonardo-” 

“If there’s any chance it’ll help,” Leo cut him off, straining to speak with determination, “then let’s do it. If you can find out what this is- whether it’s me or something else- please, Sensei.”

It seemed that Leonardo still strongly suspected that his actions were caused by himself and not by something- or someone- else. Leonardo was still trembling, his voice shaky, but the strength he was portraying showed Splinter they had been correct. This darkness wasn’t his son’s. Despite the deep hurt he was suffering, he fought to stay strong, to beat whatever this was. If they did this, it wouldn’t be to find out if the thoughts were or weren’t Leonardo’s, for the answer to that was already clear. It would be done to make that clear to Leonardo as well, and to find out what _exactly_ had been plaguing Leonardo and the whole family.

But despite the strength he was portraying, the old Sensei had a feeling Leonardo truly wasn’t in the right mental place to go through with this. Yet- in order to find a solution, they needed answers. His sons were still young, but already spiritually and mentally advanced. In order for this to work, he needed to trust his student. That he could do, but could he further hurt his son?

Master Splinter eyed the eldest, stared into his pain-filled eyes. Amongst that pain he saw the fire in him still stubbornly burning despite how close it had come to being extinguished. But it was dim, still being smothered. If nothing was done, Leonardo would slowly burn out. 

What he was about to do would give them answers that would help them keep that flame alive, but it would also be like throwing a bucket of water over the already small flame, hoping it would miraculously survive the impossible odds. If they were really dealing with something evil, with something that could be revealed with the technique he was about to try, bringing it forth would be extremely tasking for Leonardo.

Master Splinter took a deep breath. In this life, it had never been easy to be a father. It would be no different this time. 

“Very well. We will try it,” Splinter said finally, dropping his hand from the turtle’s cheek.

“Are you sure, Master?” Don asked, all of them having seen the hesitation on Splinter’s face. “I think that the wounds need to be taken care of first, and Leo needs some rest-”

“You will not be able to work if whatever is plaguing Leonardo keeps taking control over him, trying to stop you from taking care of him,” Splinter answered calmly despite the storm in his heart. 

“I could sedate him-”

“I just want to know what’s wrong with me, Don,” Leo said tiredly, looking apologetically at his brother. “I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.”

“And I don’t want _you_ to hurt anymore,” Don said, pain in his voice. He looked at Leo pleadingly. “Let us treat you first, okay?”

“That means taking the sedative, “ Leo said slowly. “My- my head feels clear now. Getting all dizzy from a sedative sounds just…”

Don understood. He really did, and he didn’t want Leo to start slipping from them again, getting all confused and disoriented, but his hands…

“Your brother is correct, the blood loss is a great concern,” Splinter sided with Donatello. Leonardo’s eyes moved quickly back to him, and in them the Sensei saw- fear? 

“No, I- I can handle it, I-” There was a sudden desperate edge to Leo’s voice. “M-my hands are fine, I just- I need to get rid of this, I, I-”

The calm he had managed to maintain was quickly crumbling. He wasn’t okay, his head wasn’t clear- the hope of finding out the cause had allowed him to get some control over his mess of a mind, had allowed him to ignore the constant urge to get up and find his sword. Now that his family would _sedate_ him instead of help him find the cause his panic took the reins. If they sedated him, made his thoughts muddy, removed his ability to think clearly, he would do something bad once more, hurt them or hurt himself-

“Leo. _Leo._ ”

Raph was holding his face, but it was difficult to hear him. But he’d rather hear Raph than the voice in his head, constantly telling him he was missing something. _The sword, the sword. Where is your sword. Find your sword, stab yourself before you stab them-_

“Leo, look at me!”

The command was louder than the voice in the back of his mind, and startled, he focused his eyes on Raph. Raph was still holding him. There was no sword in sight, only his father and his brothers.

“Ya with us now?” Raph asked carefully, and slowly Leo nodded. Raph sighed from relief and removed his hands from his face, taking his old spot from his side, holding onto his arm again. 

Leo lowered his gaze to the floor. He’d pushed the voice back down again, but he knew it would simply come back again.

“I- I guess we need to figure what it is, first,” Don said with a small voice. Leo’s chest ached for him- Don had only meant to take care of him. There was no reason for him to sound so guilty. He wanted to tell him so, but he was exhausted again.

“It will get worse the longer we wait,” Splinter said. “Catch your breath before we begin, Leonardo.”

Splinter took a proper kneeling position, and Leonardo did his best to mimic it. Leonardo rested his hands on his knees, his wounded palms pointed up. He wanted to sit up straight, but was too worn to do something as small as that, slightly leaning on Raph. 

“Close your eyes, take a deep breath,” Splinter instructed. “Let the tension in your body fade. Clear your mind.”

Leonardo did as told, closing his eyes and slowing down his breathing, trying to distance himself from the aches of his body, the anxieties of his mind. Slowly his trembling eased, the nausea caused by loss of blood faded to the background. Despite not having done anything yet, despite the pain still remaining, he felt better already. He knew they were now working towards figuring this out, and he was surrounded by his family, his swords still on his mind, but nowhere in reach. He focused on the newly found comfort, and barely felt it when Splinter lifted both of his hands to the sides of his face.

The rest of the turtles shifted uneasily next to them, watching intently. Splinter’s hesitancy to do this and the small meltdown just now had made them even more anxious. It did look like Leo had managed to calm down, no longer trembling as much, so this really was what Leo needed. He was also able to sit on his own, even if he leaned slightly on Raph, so at least he hadn’t lost too much blood or he would be passing out instead of being able to kneel there. But if this would give him more pain… could he really take anymore? 

The trust they had in their Sensei made them keep quiet.

“You’ve become afraid of your own mind, when you should be one with it. Something has disturbed that inner balance, causing you to distance yourself from your true self. It has warped the way you view your surroundings, and yourself.” Splinter’s voice was steady, calm. Grounding. “With your mind scattered, something has managed to take a strong hold over you. This disbalance prevents you from distinguishing what is real and what is not, preventing you from fighting it.”

Splinter pressed his thumbs against Leo’s temples. He kept them there, closed his eyes and muttered lowly to himself before he spoke again.

“Search your thoughts. Find the darkness, find the true source of your fear. Reveal what’s corrupting your mind.”

For a moment, the room was silent. Nobody dared to move- or to even breathe. Then, a hitch in Leonardo’s breath- and just then Splinter jammed his fingers harshly against the sides of the turtle’s head.

Leonardo’s whole body jerked, his mouth opening into a strained gasp. He tried to yank his head away from Splinter’s hands, but the Sensei kept his hold. Leonardo groaned in pain, keeping his eyes closed tightly, lifting his hands- but his brothers were still right next to him and tightened their hold on him, preventing him from moving. They were startled by the violent reaction, unsure what to do, trusting that their Father knew what he was doing, but seeing Leonardo in clear pain brought up conflicting emotions.

The pained groans turned into a sharp scream, further startling his brothers. Leo twisted his whole body, forcing them to further tighten their hold on him. He fought hard to get free, but his earlier strength truly was gone. It wasn’t difficult to keep him still.

“Stop!” Leonardo cried out, the sound slicing at their hearts. It was a desperate plea, filled with pain. “It’s- it’s too much, _stop-_ ”

Master Splinter had made it clear that this would hurt Leo, but this was too much. Only small winces and hisses had escaped Leo when they had touched his hands, which had been _sliced open,_ but he was crying out from this, had _screamed_ from the pain- this was too much. 

But before they could join Leo in his pleas, to ask their Sensei to stop, it was over. It had felt like an eternity, when it couldn’t have been more than just a few minutes. When it was over Leo fell silent and stilled in their hold, now fully leaning against Raph. They were still holding onto him tightly, the shock of what had just happened heavy in the air.

Splinter kept his hands around Leo’s face for a moment longer before he slowly removed them, his eyes snapping open.

“Leonardo?” Splinter asked immediately, his voice sharp and coated in worry. The clearly audible concern made his brothers shift even closer to him. Splinter moved his hand up to tilt Leo’s head up again, but before he could reach him Leo lifted his head on his own. When his eyes opened, they were pitch black. 

“Oh, he’s gone. Probably for good, this time- so foolish of him to pretend to be stronger than he actually was. So foolish of _you_ to actually put him under the stress of finding me like that. My presence can be quite overwhelming.” The strange tone of voice and the short laugh following them took them by surprise. It was still Leo’s voice, but all wrong. Deeper, distorted. “But just add that to the list of mistakes you’ve already made. Just look at what your _care_ has done, what your softness forced him to do. You didn’t fight him like he asked, so he had to fight himself.”

Leonardo looked down at his hands, smiling a little as he watched the gauze wrapped around his hands. The white fabric was slowly getting reddened by the lazy flow of blood underneath it. 

“Of course _I_ helped a little, helped him realize what he had to do.” 

While the black eyes, the strange voice and the words just spoken were still sinking in, Leo shifted away from Raph, leaned his head back, then slammed it against Raph’s. With a grunt of pain and surprise Raph’s hold on him loosened, and Leo yanked his hand free before Master Splinter managed to take hold of it. His freed hand was used to grab Mikey, his nails digging into his skin in an attempt to free the arm the youngest was holding, but his hold was useless thanks to his badly injured hand. Mikey was barely bothered by his attack. Quickly the youngest turned the tables, taking hold of both of Leo’s wrists, easily managing to hold them still. 

Leo twisted his body, but Master Splinter had jumped up and moved behind Leo, and was now pressing against his shell, forcing him down on his plastron. Don hurried to place one knee on top of Leo’s shell to keep him down with the weight of his body, while Mikey moved Leo’s hands behind his shell.

Raph, recovered from the blow, held Leo’s legs down, grumbling to himself.

“Dudes, it _has_ to be a demon!” Mikey stared down at Leo with wide eyes. “The black eyes! They always have black eyes in the movies! And the weird voice-”

“It _is_ a demon,” Splinter said, distaste clear in his voice. “I forced it out of hiding. I’ve never had to do this before- I’ve only read about them from the old books.”

Everyone except Leo looked at Splinter in surprise. They hadn’t thought Splinter would believe their theory about demons- they surely hadn’t thought that their Father would recognize one upon seeing it. And he hadn’t just recognized it- he had made the demon reveal itself. 

Leo no longer struggled, laying still in their hold. 

“So ya were right, Don,” Raph said, looking back down at Leo, staring into his black eyes. “The _hell_ do ya want from our brother?”

“I didn’t plan to get revealed so soon,” the demon sighed, Leo’s voice distorted in a very disturbing way now as it used his mouth to speak. “At least not until this one was dead. But this body is pretty much finished anyway, so it doesn’t really matter. And it’s not like I’m complaining; he gave me more than I could’ve wanted.”

“And what is it that you want?” Don repeated Raph’s question, trying his hardest to ignore the way it spoke about Leo; that it said he was finished. 

“Grief, pain, emotional turmoil,” Leo hummed. “I feed on negative emotions, and this one has suffered since the first nightmare I made him see. The more tired and confused you are, the stronger your emotions. It’s easy to hide by making one question their own thoughts, their own sanity.”

Leonardo shifted a little, but his brothers immediately pressed down on him, stilling his movements. Instead of starting a struggle, the demon kept talking.

“When I first encountered you, I was so weak he didn’t even feel my presence entering his mind. Had no idea I was here. And as I tormented him, I grew stronger, while he weakened. It’s easy to fog up a weak mind. Not so easy for the body or the mind to contain something like me. I’ve enjoyed my stay, so I’ve made things as easy for this vessel as I’ve been able to. Stayed in the back, letting him have his own thoughts most of the time.”

Leo turned his head to glance at them over his shoulder.

“As you saw, it was quite a shock to his system for me to be pulled in complete control so suddenly. A cruel thing to do, if you ask me.” Leonardo smirked. “I like it.” 

They felt how Splinter tensed. 

“You are strange creatures- no human has ever lasted this long, has never been able to feed me for this long. But despite me staying at the back, even a body like this has its limits. As I said, this one is pretty worn out already, especially after that trick of yours just now. The body fails if the mind dies… so, soon he’ll be no use for me.” The smirk grew into a grin. “Lucky for me there’s more of you to feed on.”

Raph growled deeply. “Yer gonna be _real_ sorry once we get ya outta there-”

“Your threats are empty,” Leo spoke over him. “How were you planning on getting rid of me before I’ll use this one up?” 

“We’ll find a way,” Don promised with a low voice, no longer looking at the dark eyes. Leo’s hands were now twisted behind his shell, but Don still had to properly bandage the stitched hand and finish stitching the other one. It would be challenging in this position, but at least the demon wouldn’t be able to stop him when Leo was forced to stay still on the floor. 

“I will get my books,” Splinter said grimly, glancing at Raphael, who was still holding Leonardo’s legs in place. He understood, moving to press his weight down on Leonardo’s shell so that Splinter could stand up, and Don could get the materials needed. “Do not let him move.”

“Yeah, he won’t be going anywhere, not anymore,” Raph hissed down at the demon. 

Splinter walked around Leonardo’s prone form, and kneeled down before his head. Leonardo glanced up at him.

“Oh, my son,” Splinter began sadly, staring into his black eyes. “I wish there had been a better way to do this. You’ve been hurt enough. I will do everything to-”

“How sweet,” the demon interrupted, it’s tone mocking. “Too bad he can’t hear a word.”

“-To put an end to this suffering. Unfortunately, we must still gather more information, and it is with a heavy heart that I must ask you to keep enduring this pain. But it won’t be for much longer, now- so please, keep fighting, Leonardo. You can rest soon.”

“Yes, once he withers away and dies,” the demon said, grinning again. 

The turtles shifted uneasily at that, and a frown fell over Splinter’s face. It faded quickly, however, and Splinter cupped Leonardo’s cheek once more, his expression gentle.

“Remember that this being tells only lies,” Splinter said. “Remain strong.”

The demon only sneered, and slowly Splinter stood up. 

“I’ll be back shortly,” Splinter said, his tone clipped, and then he turned away from them. Despite his steely appearance, the turtles knew their Sensei was deeply bothered by what had just happened. 

Once their Master was gone, Don spoke to the demon again.

“What was the point of attacking us and suddenly making Leo hurt himself? Even if he won’t be… _use_ to you for much longer, what’s the point of hurting the body you’re in?” 

“Attacking you hurts him, and hurting him hurts you. It doesn’t matter if the body I’m in gets hurt in the process,” the demon explained, sighing like it should’ve been obvious. “Once I get the rest of you, I’ll collect the hurt you’ve been feeling.”

“That’s not gonna happen,” Mikey huffed. “You’ll be long gone before that.”

“So you made us see the nightmares to make all of us hurt,” Don stated, doing his best to ignore the fact that he was talking to a demon. A demon wearing his brother’s skin. 

“It was the easiest way to hurt you, when I was still gathering my strength,” the demon explained, shifting a little again. “If this one doesn’t fade too soon, I think this body could still be of some use. Maybe I could still chase you around a little. I’d like to try the dreams for real, but then again, this one is quite weak already... Though I was surprised to find out how stubborn he is, he seems to get these bursts of energy when he feels that one of you is in danger. So whenever he was getting too apathetic from the abuse I was putting him through, I could just show him you three getting hurt-”

“Yer going to regret all that,” Raph cut him off with a low snarl. “Yer gonna regret everything _so_ bad.”

It continued like Raph hadn’t said anything. 

“Not only do you withstand my presence, making excellent vessels, but… do you know how rare it is to find someone who’s as close as your little family is? Playing with that emotional connection has been quite the treat. Sleeping for so long, only to be awakened in that dark tunnel with no one in sight- it took days before I felt you close by, before I managed to draw you closer.”

“Draw us closer?” Don asked while starting to work on Leo’s hands again. He didn’t really want to talk with the demon, wanted to hear Leo instead of it, but since it was so eager to talk, they could try to get all the information they could.

“I was weak when I woke up, and when I felt you passing by, I used all the strength I had then to plant small suggestions in your mind. Created the idea for you to take a shortcut through the tunnel I was in, so I could get you close enough to enter one of you. Then I made you forget you saw the circle so that you wouldn’t grow suspicious too early.

“Then I had to wait, had to rely on just dreams, slowly feeding, slowly growing stronger… I don’t think I’ve ever encountered someone who _cares_ as much as you four. The anguish of this one has fed me so well. Even now, after I’ve worn him down so much, he’s fighting me so bad.”

The grin the demon wore on Leo’s face faltered, and for a moment he looked uncomfortable, shaking his head as if trying to get rid of something.

“If this idiot would’ve stopped hesitating and ended himself faster I could’ve drained the rest of him and moved on to you without that _rat_ revealing me-”

“You _fuck_ really tried ta make him _kill_ himself,” Raph growled, making his brothers flinch now that it had been said out loud. Like it hadn’t been enough that it had hurt Leo so much, but using him up and then trying to make him do something like _that-_

“I almost managed to convince him to do it, but in the end, I had to force his hand. But to think that he even _considered_ giving up his life, to think that he thought it would save you from me... It’s funny, really.”

Leo grinned again, and the brothers looked helplessly at each other. To think that this thing had been telling Leo things awful enough to make him even consider hurting himself like that, and for a while now… The latest attack, making Leo actually hurt them, must’ve been the last drop.

But the demon had said it had forced Leo to do it. So it really hadn’t been _Leo_ who had turned the blade against himself. That brought some comfort… but not enough. Not when the demon was still there, still in control. 

But Leo was still there as well, and still fighting. 

The grin faded again, and Leo groaned. The black eyes closed, and Leo pressed his forehead against the floor.

“Fight it, Leo!” Mikey yelled then, knowing for sure now that Leo _was_ fighting for control. Their brother was still trying. “Don’t let this creep control you!”

“We’d better tie him up,” Raph said as he watched Leo’s struggle, his voice still low and filled with barely restrained anger. “Maybe it’ll stop putting up such a fight against Leo if it knows it’s not worth it.”

Don was almost finished with the stitches. The outcome wasn’t his best- done in a hurry, in a difficult position, and under a lot of emotional distress. He wrapped Leo’s hands with extra bandages to better protect the stitches from the ropes they had to use. They wouldn’t tie them near the wounds, the ropes would only touch his wrists, but the demon would most likely still struggle, and Don definitely didn’t want the wounds reopening. The ropes would have to go over the wound Raph had given him before, so Don rewrapped said wound as well. 

The chair in Leo’s room was broken thanks to the kick Raph had given it, so Mikey hurried out of the room to find another one. When he came back they lifted Leo up to sit on it. They acted fast so that the demon wouldn’t have time to fight them, but Leo barely reacted to the way they handled him, seeming to be in the middle of an inner fight. Twitching slightly, groaning quietly, his eyes tightly shut.

They found rope from Leo’s drawers, and used it to tie his hands behind the chair. Only when they were wrapping rope around his chest so that he couldn’t move around too much did Leo try to lean forward, his face down. He struggled weakly against the binds, but his movements were slow, until they stopped altogether. He went limp against his restraints.

“Leo?” Don asked carefully, standing next to the chair, his hand resting on Leo’s shoulder. He peered down, trying to see his brother’s face. Which one of them was in control?

Slowly Leo lifted his head up, tilted his head to the side, his eyes pitch black as he smiled at Don.

“It’s going to be so sweet to see your faces when I finally kill this one,” Leo grinned, giving a short laugh. It looked down at the ropes now keeping Leo tied to the chair. “There’s not much you can do, is there? Let me go and I’ll drive a sword through his guts. Keep him here, tied up, and I’ll let him wither away. His body and mind won’t last for much longer with me in it. Both options are good, in my opinion- very fitting for a leader like him, to be impaled by his own sword. By his own hand, too; such a pathetic ending. But to simply wither away... slow, painful, perhaps even more pathetic... I very much like it.”

“Shut the fuck up!” Raph bellowed, taking a heated step towards the chair, his fist raised. Only at the last moment he remembered that he couldn’t hit the demon, or he’d be hurting Leo as well.

The demon laughed at the conflicted face of the turtle. 

“Oh no, you’re too scared to hit your brother? Come on, do it. It’ll hurt me the same. It’s a small sacrifice to hurt your brother if you can take some of that frustration out on me. He can take a punch; it’s nothing after all this. And he would understand, wouldn’t he? Some payback for hurting you and your brothers? It would be nothing new to you two, anyway.”

“Ya don’t know shit about him or us,” Raph growled, slowly lowering his fists.

“But that’s not true,” Leo said. “I know quite a lot. I’m inside his head – how could I not know? The things he said to you before weren’t far from the truth. I know how much he’s hurting, I know how disappointed in you he is that you can’t help him. That none of you believed him when all this began. And now you’re doing nothing but watching him suffer. You _let_ your _Sensei_ bring me out- you saw the agony it caused him. Do you want to know what I’m showing him right now?”

“Donnie,” Raph growled, turning sharply to his brother. “How the hell do we get this thing out?”

“I… I need my computer,” Don answered, but didn’t move, his eyes locked on Leo’s black eyes, the grin that was all kinds of wrong on their brother’s face. “Need to continue reading, and Sensei is getting the books, maybe there’s something more useful in there-”

“He thinks you didn’t manage to tie him down,” the demon continued, ignoring both Raphael and Donatello. “He thinks he tied _you_ down and is continuing where we left off. Cutting you open, _slaughtering_ you while you’re begging for mercy. I rarely got this far when I altered your dreams, and I think I’m only going to wear him out sooner like this, but it’s worth it, _oh,_ you should _hear_ him-”

“SHUT! UP!” Raph yelled, grabbing the ropes going over Leo’s chest, lifting two of the chairs legs up from the floor as he yanked Leo closer to himself. “Don’t ya fucking dare to hurt him. I swear I’m going to make your end as slow and painful as I can the moment we get ya out of there.”

The demon only laughed, not worried that Raph was handling him so roughly. 

“You should really be seeing this,” the demon continued. “The way he’s begging me to stop. I keep telling him that it’s him who’s doing it, it’s all him. Always has been, no matter what you’ve told him. I think he’s finally starting to believe it. Just a moment ago he was so sure you would find a way to help him! Ah, the devastation he’s feeling! Everything’s crumbling around him, you’re bleeding out in his hands. This is where he breaks. It’s over for him!”

The demon was laughing, the turtles staring in stunned silence, trying to comprehend how vile this creature was.

“I have to say that I was quite startled when I first entered this vessel. Such a well trained mind, strong willed. How was I going to take over that? There has to be a weakness, I thought. And there was; you three. All that focus disappears every time he realizes it’s him who’s making you scream.” 

Raph was having a hard time controlling himself, breathing heavily, only barely holding back his clenched fist. He could feel Don and Mikey close, unsure if they should interfere or let Raph keep threatening the demon. They were horrified by the demon’s words, didn’t want to hear anymore- yet needed to know what it had been putting Leo through all this time. 

The demon chuckled in surprised delight. “Oh, I think he’s crying now.” 

As Raph stared into Leo’s face, filled with rage towards the demon, he saw the corner of Leo’s eyes glistening with unshed tears. When a tear actually did fall down his cheek, Raph’s vision blurred from the overwhelming anger. This thing had tortured their brother to the point where he had barely been resisting when it had tried to make him off himself, and now it was continuing that torture, while they could do nothing but stand there and watch.

“Would you like to hear how he begs? I’d be happy to show you. Or should I keep him suffering alone? Like he’s done all this time?”

There was nothing but a high-pitched noise in Raph’s head- everything felt distant as rage and heartbreak for his brother took over. It didn’t matter if the demon faked the tears or if they really were Leo’s- he knew his brother was hurting, hurting so badly, and had been hurting for so long- and there was nothing he could do.

Well, there was always one thing he could do, what he _would_ do when his rage took over.

Voices screaming for him took him back from the dark haze of rage he had fallen into, and as he blinked his eyes, his vision cleared again. Leo was still tied into the chair, was still in front of him. He felt his knuckles aching. He was staring right at his brother, but he didn’t see Leo- only the black eyes of the demon, and the bruise starting form around his left eye. Raph had hit him, and he wanted the other eye to start bruising as well. He hated those eyes, hated how empty and mocking they were.

There were hands holding both his arms, pulling him back, but he was too angry to allow himself to be pulled away. He _needed_ to keep hitting this bastard. It was what he did, fought everything that threatened his family, fought everything that pushed him to his breaking point. His fist lifted, he tore himself out of the hold of his younger brothers. The wound in his arm ached, but it was the furthest thing on his mind at the moment.

Just as he was about to hit his brother again, the black in his eyes faded, making Raph stop dead in his tracks. 

Leonardo blinked, clearing his vision, clearly confused and lost. His eyes seemed to focus on Raphael, a mixture of emotions flashing over his face.

“Ra- Raph?” Leo managed, his voice thick and weak. “I’m- I’m sor-ry.”

Immediately all the rage was washed away, and suddenly feeling weak, Raph dropped his fists and kneeled down in front of his brother to better look at him. All the hostlisness was thrown away, his eyes searching for forgiveness. His hands rested over Leo’s knees, afraid to touch him after losing his temper like that, yet needing to show both himself and Leo that he hadn’t meant it; that his touch wasn’t there to hurt him.

“No, I’m sorry,” Raph choked out, disbelief in his voice. He had hit _Leo._ Why the hell had he done that? “I’m _so_ sorry, I- I wanted to hit _it_ so bad, I-”

“No, you should,” Leo mumbled, not speaking right, clearly in pain. “I’m… all the time. Hurting you. _All the time._ ”

Hurt flashed in Raph’s eyes. Leo hadn’t been this incoherent before- he had made things so much worse-

Mikey stood next to them, his hand falling on Raph’s shoulder and squeezing gently.

“It’s not you, Leo, it never was,” Mikey said, his voice full of sorrow. His hand stayed on Raph’s shoulder while he used the other to gently cup Leo’s cheek to make him look him in the eyes. “That thing’s making you see stuff. It’s not real, Leo. We’re fine. Please believe me. No matter what it shows you, it’s not real!”

The glassy look in Leo’s eyes didn’t leave.

“I’m...” Leo exhaled slowly, leaning against Mikey’s hand. “I’m sorry. I-I’d never- I’m so...”

Their words didn’t seem to reach Leo as he kept mumbling apologies, and the youngest hushed him quickly, unable to stand hearing them. If only he could make Leo understand that there was no need for him to apologize, but Leo’s eyes were unfocused, staring past them. He couldn’t hear his attempts at comfort, not right now.

Leo was lost in his hurt again, but… but he was still there. Even if… even if it was this broken version of him. It was _scary._ So much damage had been done- and they knew Leo was reaching his limits... if he hadn't already.

There was an anger burning inside of Michelangelo too, and he understood how Raphael had lost himself to his rage. He hated that the thing was using Leonardo as a shield, letting Leonardo take control only when Raphael had been about to hit him. Raphael wasn’t the only one who wanted to tear the demon out of their brother and give it a beating – Raphael would have to hurry if he wanted to be part of that beatdown, if Michelangelo got his hands on the demon first.

Perhaps he should’ve been worried about how violent his thoughts were starting to become, how full of hatred he was starting to be, but it was hard to get rid of the intense anger swirling inside of him when Leo was hurting so bad, and they still had no idea how to put an end to it.

This whole thing felt like they had made things worse. It felt like they had brought the demon out just for it to mock them and hurt Leo more.

Having Leo lean against his hold instead of drawing away from it, and being able to at least hold him soothed a tiny bit of that anger. Leo was strong, he’d hold on, and they’d figure out a way to get rid of this thing. But the demon was clearly wearing him out fast.

“We’re fine, Leo,” Mikey whispered to him.”Please hold onto that thought, okay?”

Leo lifted his head, his eyes focusing slowly. Once they did, he watched Mikey’s face carefully, as if trying to see whether he was lying or not. Without giving an answer his eyes closed, and he leaned back against Mikey’s hand. The tension in him faded as he went completely slack against the ropes.

They expected the demon to take over, for it to keep mocking them. But the room was silent now. Leo wasn’t opening his eyes again, still and limp against the chair they had tied him to.

Everything the demon did was torture. When it spoke, and even when it didn’t speak. It was torture to wait, to wonder what it would do next. Was it continuing to torment Leo inside his head? Should they try to talk to it to distract it, to keep it from hurting him, or was it better that it wasn’t using Leo’s body, letting him rest?

It was absolute torment. To stand there right next to Leo, unable to offer him any help or comfort while his mind was being torn apart.


	11. Guilt

The room was coated in silence. They were all afraid to say anything, afraid to even move, fearing that anything would make the demon act again. When the door suddenly opened and Splinter stepped in with some of his books, they were all visibly startled. Splinter only needed to take a quick glance at his sons to tell that something bad had happened while he had been gone. His sons looked shaken, but there was no time for comfort, not yet. 

“What has happened?” Splinter asked simply, watching Leonardo’s unmoving form as he came closer. Michelangelo turned to Raphael, who was still kneeling in front of Leonardo. Hesitantly Michelangelo drew his hand away from Leonardo to offer it for Raphael, who glanced at it, and slowly took it, standing up with his help. The turtle in red stared at the floor, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. Michelangelo’s heart ached for him.

“It was hurting Leo,” Mikey said with a small voice. “And then we talked with him, but…”

Splinter eyes moved quickly to Mikey. “You talked with Leonardo?”

“We tried to, but he… he was really out of it, Sensei.” 

The old rat nodded gravely. “Is he unconscious now?”

“I think so,” Don answered their Father quietly, carefully placing a hand over Leo’s forehead. His skin felt too warm. For a moment he expected the demon to lash out at his touch, but Leo didn’t react in any way. “That thing is wearing him out. We have no idea what’s going on inside his head, but I think it’s good that the... demon is staying quiet. It must take a toll on Leo’s body when the demon… uses it.”

It felt wrong to put it like that, but that was exactly what had been happening. It had been using Leo to hurt their family.

“Then we should let him rest and move elsewhere to discuss our next course of action,” Splinter said. Being tied into a chair wasn’t the most comfortable resting position, but it would have to do for now. Don was still thinking about the sedative, that way they could lay him down on a bed… but with Leo this weak, Don wasn’t sure if he’d wake up again if he sedated him.

“I’d like to take a look at those books, Master.” Don glanced at their Father and the books in his hands, then back at Leo. “But I’d also like to stay-”

“I’ll stay,” Mikey offered immediately, not taking his eyes away from Leo. 

“Me too,” Raph said, looking up again. He crossed his arms over his chest, showing he’d made up his mind, but Don shook his head at that. 

“No, Raph, you’re coming with me,” he said. “I need to see if your wounds need stitching.”

Raph squinted his eyes at Don, then eyed both Leo and Mikey. “I think the earlier rule still applies; that nobody stays alone with him.”

“He’s tied up, Raph,” Mikey said. “And it doesn’t look like he’s gonna do much of anything anytime soon.” 

They all watched Leo. He was still too pale, limp against the ropes, not looking like much of a threat. But not seeing him as a danger was a mistake they had already made too many times.

“I’ll call you if I need you, okay?”

Don and Raph changed looks, and finally Raph huffed.

“Fine.” 

“I’ll get another chair,” Mikey said, hurrying out of the room. They all knew why; Mikey could’ve just sat on Leo’s bed, but with another chair he could be closer to him.

Don checked Leo’s pulse one more time, but stepped away from him when Mikey came back with the chair. As they had expected, the chair was positioned close to Leo, and Mikey sat down on it. Master Splinter placed a hand over Mikey’s shoulder.

“It is going to be alright,” he comforted his son. “There will be a way to help your brother.”

Mikey nodded, but his quiet behavior told them how upset he was. They all were, but Mikey was usually the one who could at least try to pretend that everything was going to be alright. He didn’t hide his emotions, showing when he was happy or sad, but he tended to be the one to try and lighten up the mood if everyone else was feeling down. Now there was no such attempt.

Splinter removed his hand, but instead of leaving, he turned to face Leonardo. He placed a hand on his shoulder, and they saw how he lightly squeezed it. This time the Sensei didn’t say anything, but they could imagine what was going through their Master’s head. The situation didn’t look good for Leonardo.

Splinter stood there for a moment before turning to leave. Before he did, he looked over the room. There was still blood on the floor, leading out of the room to the corridor outside. But the injuries the turtles had suffered were more pressing than cleaning, so Splinter tore his gaze from the red splatters. He looked at both Donatello and Raphael expectantly before making his leave.

Don hesitated, but followed after Splinter. Raph was still looking at Mikey. 

“Mike, ya sure you-”

“Raph, yes, I’ve got this,” Mikey huffed, touched by his brother’s concern, but also slightly annoyed that Raph felt like he couldn’t leave him alone for a few minutes. 

“I wasn’t gonna say that, I _know_ ya got this,” Raph said quietly, “just… t if it managed to make Leo think all kinds of nonsense, then it could get talk shit ta anyone. I just want ya ta be careful-”

“You think I’m even going to listen if it starts talking?” Mikey lifted his gaze now. “You think I’m gonna react the same way _you_ did, Raph?”

The callback to punching Leo hurt, and Raph only grunted in response, unable to defend himself. He had, after all, allowed the demon’s words to affect him. He was in no position to say anything.

“...Sorry,” Mikey apologized immediately, feeling bad for snapping like that. “All this is just… so _bad,_ Raph. Makes me say bad stuff. I’m sorry.”

Raph shook his head. “No, yer right. I let that damn thing get to me.”

“I wanted to do the same, to be honest,” Mikey said. “Not punch Leo… but punch _it._ ”

Raph was glaring at Leo now. “I’ll leave ya something ta hit once we get it out.”

Mikey smiled weakly at that. “Go get that arm taken care of, Raph. Make sure Don’s okay, too.”

Raph nodded stiffly and headed to leave the room. But before he could go, Mikey spoke again.

“...We would know if the demon was doing something to him right now, right?” Mikey asked, fidgeting. Leo was so still right now, almost like he was just asleep… but he probably wasn’t. It did feel better to think that Leo was simply resting, not… not being tortured by the demon inside his head. But what if he was? The demon had said such nasty things. If they were true… “There would be some signs, wouldn’t there? He’s not in pain right now, right?” 

Raph paused and turned to look at his brothers again. Leo wasn’t showing any signs of discomfort, but as Raph watched him, he could see the small tension on Leo’s face. Was the demon hurting him, even now? And if it was, what could they do? Raph clenched his fists. The answer was the same as before. Nothing. They could do absolutely nothing, not until they had some answers.

“I don’t know, Mike,” he said gruffly. “I really fucking hope not.”

Raph left, and Mikey’s attention slid back to Leo. There were still splatters of blood on him, and Mikey wanted to get rid of them. Leaving the room to get water and a cloth wouldn’t take longer than a few minutes, but he didn’t feel like leaving Leo alone for even such a short time. He should’ve asked Raph to watch Leo before he left so that he could’ve retrieved some water. He should’ve thought of that while he had been getting the extra chair, but he had just wanted to get back as soon as possible. Leo was just- just so _weak_ that the possibility of losing him had pushed him to get back. That was why Don and Raph had been so hesitant to leave. Fearing that something would happen once they turned their back.

But… he would be gone for just a few minutes. Mikey knew how uncomfortable it was when blood dried on your skin, and Leo couldn’t even wipe any of it away with his hands tied. After debating it for a while, Mikey decided to risk it, rushing to the bathroom to fill up a small bucket with water.

On his way back he spilled some of that water, but didn’t really care. When he came back, the room was just the same. Leo was sitting still, still tied, only his chest moving as he breathed.

Mikey breathed out in relief and set the bucket down on the floor next to Leo. Grabbing the cloth he had brought with him Mikey wiped away all the blood he could, mainly the blood on Leo’s face. The blood on his plastron was harder to get off; a proper shower would be needed for that, so he focused on removing the blood from his face.

The bruise around Leo’s eye was already darkening, and Mikey winced slightly as he watched it. He should get some ice for it, right after getting the blood off. Nothing had happened during his visit to the bathroom, so he could make a quick trip to the kitchen to get the ice from the freezer. Maybe he should make a list of the things he needed so that he didn’t need to leave so many times.

Leo didn’t react to the touch of the cloth. Mikey wasn’t sure if that was good or not. He doubted that Leo was really asleep, he wasn’t breathing that heavily, so maybe just resting, too tired to pay attention to him. Yeah, he was resting, Mikey decided, not liking any alternatives.

The water in the bucket now had a pinkish hue. Mikey stared at it, wondering if Don and Splinter had managed to make Raph sit still for long enough to take care of his wounds. He hoped they had made him take some painkillers, too. Raph had tried to hide how bad it hurt him to use his arm, but Mikey had noticed the occasional flinches. Don’s wound would need to be properly checked too; Mikey had wrapped the wound hastily.

But right now it was his job to watch Leo, do what little he could. 

“I’m not going to be gone for long, just getting some ice,” Mikey told Leo before once again hurrying out of the room. Leo hadn’t reacted to touch, and hadn’t reacted to the words. Mikey had no idea if Leo had even heard him, but as he rummaged through the freezer, he decided he would talk to him anyway. Just to let Leo know he wasn’t alone.

Once again, the room was the same when he returned. As he carefully lifted Leonardo’s head and pressed the pack of ice against the corner of his eye, Michelangelo spoke.

“Don’t worry, Leo. You don’t need to worry about anything- we’ll take care of things, we’ll take care of you. You just hang ong, okay? Just rest.” In his mind he added that maybe, once Leonardo gathered his strength again, he could act more like his usual self, and could fight the demon. Could- could at least say something that wasn’t an apology. He didn’t need to apologize, not for anything! 

“And… and there’s nothing you should apologize for, nothing,” Mikey continued quietly. “ _We_ should apologize to you. For not listening sooner. So… I’m sorry.” Mikey lowered his gaze, but lifted it up again quickly. “If you try to apologize, I’ll make this speech over and over again, got it?”

No answer, but that didn’t stop Michelangelo from continuing. He kneeled there, talking to Leo with a quiet voice until the ice melted inside the pack. The pack was lowered and Mikey eyed the bruise; the corner of the eye was still swollen, but not as badly. Mikey stood up to put the pack away, his eye falling on Leo’s table. There was still blood there, blood on the floor as well.

Mikey placed the pack on the corner of the table, where there was no blood. He took the cloth he had used on Leo before, and did his best to clean the table. To clean the floor he’d need stronger cleaning supplies, but he didn’t feel like leaving the room again. He didn’t exactly have the energy for such a thorough cleaning session, anyway- he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. Surprisingly, he wasn’t that sleepy, probably still too on the edge to feel tired- but he could feel the familiar heaviness in his body that came with lack of sleep.

While he cleaned, he did his best to not think that the blood was there because Leo had hurt himself. He just reminded himself that it had been the demon, not his brother. Yeah, Leo had been desperate, but the demon had said it had forced Leo to do this. So it hadn’t been Leo. It had been the demon. 

But when the demon’s goal had still been to injure them instead of Leo, Leo had cut himself. That was where the blood on the table was from; his cut hand. Mikey couldn’t imagine doing something like that to himself, couldn’t imagine being _that_ desperate. But he had seen the state Leo was now in- how far gone he was, unable to do anything than to mutter his apologies. 

Mikey shook his head and tossed the cloth into the bucket. He _had_ to think of something else before he drove himself crazy with these thoughts. Which made a wave of guilt wash over him- here he was, thinking this was difficult for _him,_ when Leo was the one suffering.

Yet he knew that it would help nobody if he wallowed in these thoughts. While he had cleaned he had stopped talking, and the room was silent again. He should fix that. It was the only thing he _could_ fix.

Mikey had borrowed Leo some comics before all this had happened, and he knew where Leo kept them, so it was easy to locate them. Leo was very orderly, always returned what he had borrowed, but it usually took him a long time to read the comics he borrowed. They were quick and easy to read, too easy- for Mikey, they always ended way too soon! But there were lots of things Leo prioritized over comic-book reading, so if Mikey borrowed him some, he didn’t expect them to be returned overnight.

And now Leo definitely hadn’t had the time to read comics. Mikey opened the first book and started to read it out loud, but the action-filled story wasn’t pulling him in the way it normally would. He didn’t need to guess why. He read for a while anyway; if Leo could hear him, maybe this could prove a distraction to him as well. 

Eventually he gave up and returned the comics back to where he had taken them from and sat back next to Leo. If Leo was resting, maybe he should give him some quiet. He could’ve kept talking, but surprisingly, he wasn’t sure what to talk about. Mikey, the turtle who never shut up, didn’t know what to talk about. Wasn’t that funny?

But what was there to talk about? Now that he wasn’t talking or reading aloud, the room was silent again. Leo hadn’t moved at all since he had been left alone with him. It… felt like time had stopped, like things weren’t so bad at the moment- nobody was getting attacked, Leo was resting (maybe he’d believe it if he kept repeating it) and Don and Master Splinter were looking for a solution. Of course nothing was _okay,_ just… not as horrible as it had been a moment ago. 

Who was he kidding? The thing in Leo was slowly killing him, and he didn’t have any words for his brother. All he could do was to sit here, listen to Leo’s breathing. It was the only comfort he had right now. Leo was breathing- they still had time. He didn’t know how much, but- but Leo was strong. Had always been and would be now.

Yet his eyes kept falling on the red marks still on the floor. His thoughts kept going to Leo’s hunched form when they had found him, his trembling hands as he had fought not to impale himself on his own sword. Leo had looked so worn out. How long could he have held on? How close to _actually_ stabbing himself had he been?

Too close. He didn’t want to think about it, but the thoughts kept coming back stubbornly. Mikey sighed, rubbing his eyes again. Maybe he should go to the lab as well, to help his family find a solution, for it would be more useful than sitting here. But leaving Leo alone wasn’t an option. If only he could just talk with Leo, the _real_ Leo, not the demon… but the silence stayed. 

* * *

Getting injuries sucked, but getting them stitched was almost worse.

Raphael did his best to sit still while Master Splinter worked on his arm. Donatello had been the one to drag him into the sick bay, but Splinter had taken the needle from him. Donatello wasn’t the doctor of the family, but these kinds of things often fell on him thanks to his vast knowledge and steady hands. But now they were all exhausted, and Donatello had been ordered to get back to resting.

The room was silent. There was a lot Raph could’ve said- but he just… didn’t. There was no way Splinter didn’t know he had punched Leo, yet he hadn’t said anything about it. Raph wished he’d say something. Scold him. Get angry. Anything. The silence was the worst, the quiet disappointment Raph knew was there weighted on him heavily. It made him pull his hand into a tight fist, his nails digging into his palm.

He flinched when Splinter placed his hand over his. He was done with the stitches, and Raph hadn’t even noticed.

“Raphael.” He felt Master Splinter’s eyes on him, but couldn’t meet his look. “Your brother will be alright. Instead of dwelling on what’s been done, we should look for a solution.”

Figured that Splinter knew just what was going on in his head. Carefully Raph lifted his gaze.

“What can I do, Master?”

The old rat sighed, grabbing his walking stick which had been left to lean against a nearby cot. “I told your brother to get some rest, but I have a feeling you know exactly where to find him.”

The lab, obviously. 

“Donatello took a few of my books with him, but there are more in my room. I will start my work by looking for a solution there. I think you should see how Donatello is doing; his injuries need to be looked over as well.”

And knowing Don, his injuries weren’t his top priority right now. He was most likely glued to the books or his computer. Raph nodded and stood up from the cot he had been sitting on, gritting his teeth when his side protested the movement. It had been wrapped up properly, walking wasn’t too painful, but the wound protested if he had to bend down or get up.

Splinter watched him for a moment before leading them out of the room. He disappeared towards his room, and Raph headed for the lab.

There he found Don, sitting in his chair just like Raph had suspected. The lab was filled with silent clicks as Don typed on his keyboard, but it was clear even from the doorway that Don wasn’t typing with his usual speed. 

Raph walked over to him and grabbed the back of his computer chair to turn him away from the screen. Don jolted in his seat, and looked up at Raph with wide eyes.

“Raph! Don’t do that, do you _want_ me to have a heart attack?”

“Nah, I want ya ta go ta bed,” Raph answered. “I can take it from here.”

Don sighed and turned his chair back to the computer. “We’re running out of time, Raph. You _know_ that.”

Raph opened his mouth to protest, but didn’t. He didn’t want to rest either while knowing that every second was costing Leo.

“Besides, I did get some sleep before. I feel fine. It’s you and Mikey who haven’t had any rest.” 

Raph said nothing, simply whirling Don’s chair around again.

Don looked up at him in annoyment. “I told you Raph, I’m fine and I’m not leaving-”

“I’m not gonna make ya,” Raph said, eyeing the bandages going over Don’s chest. They hadn’t bled through, showing how well Mikey had wrapped them even though he had been in a hurry while doing them. Still, the wound should be cleaned properly. “Just stand up for a moment.”

Don followed Raph’s gaze down. “The bandages are good, Raph,” he mumbled. “I’m fine.”

“Stand up or I’ll lift ya up,” Raph said, frowning down at his brother. Not wanting to make a scene out of this, Don stood up with a sigh. The movement made his chest ache, and he lifted his hand automatically to press down on the wound- a small gasp escaping him as he did so.

Raph had immediately grabbed his arm, in case Don didn’t have his balance. But he did, and gently he pushed Raph’s hand away, annoyed at himself for letting the pain surprise him like that. Of course moving would hurt when you had a wound in your chest.

“I’m _fine,_ ” Don repeated for the fourth time before Raph could make any comments. “Just stood up too fast, that’s all.”

“Right.” Raph stepped away, and Don followed him to where the medical cabinet was, knowing Raph would just drag him there if he didn’t. Once Raph had everything he needed to clean and re-wrap the wound, he motioned for Don to sit down on a nearby stool. It would’ve been impossible to wrap his chest if he had been sitting in his computer chair. Once Don was sitting down, Raph started to unwrap the gauze going over Don’s chest.

Once again the room Raph was in was silent. Just like Master Splinter, Don wasn’t saying anything. Was… was Don disappointed in him as well? 

This time he couldn’t stand the silence.

“I- I really didn’t mean to do it,” Raph began, his voice quiet. “It just- all the things the damn thing said-”

“Raph, you don’t have to explain yourself,” Don said, his eyes soft when he looked up at Raph. “You don’t need to keep blaming yourself. The demon has affected all of us.”

“Yet neither you nor Mikey _punched_ him. Shit, ya saw him afterwards- the way he looked at me-”

 _You should,_ Leo had said after he had punched him. Leo had thought he deserved it, being punched while barely clinging to consciousness. How fucked up was that?

 _You think I’m gonna react the same way_ you _did, Raph?_ Mikey had apologized for saying it, but it had been said anyway. His brothers hadn’t been surprised by his violence. They knew how he was, more capable of hurting others than-

“Raph,” Don began with a heavy tone, and suddenly Raph didn’t want to have this conversation, regretting he had said anything.

“Don’t- don’t say anything,” Raph said before Don could even begin. “Don’t say anything and just let me work.”

Glad- but also a bit hurt- that Don understood and remained silent, Raph made sure the wound was clean. It looked nasty, the cut was long, but wasn’t too deep. His arm ached slightly under the bandages, but he ignored it as he started to rewrap Don’s wound. Despite the chaos in his mind, Raph finished the work carefully and stepped away once he was done. Before he could go too far Don grabbed his arm and tugged him back close- so close that suddenly there was something wrapping around him. It said something about his current mental state when it took Raph a moment to realize that he was being hugged.

It should’ve been a relief. Don didn’t despise him, or he wouldn’t be hugging him. Yet… yet it felt like Don didn’t understand what he had done. He hadn’t heard the fight between him and Leo, the things Leo had said. Don probably hadn’t even seen the way Leo had looked at him. 

Raph pushed him away. 

“I’m goin’ back there now,” Raph huffed, refusing to look at Don’s face, not wanting to see anymore disappointed faces. He was disappointed enough in himself.

Again, Don grabbed him before he could leave. Raph tensed, expecting to hear Don’s hurt voice for rejecting him- he didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore, didn’t want to hear it-

“You should rest, Raph,” Don said, his voice soft instead of hurt. Raph almost felt disappointed. He often took comfort in that tone of voice- Don could really sound reassuring without even really needing to try. But now he couldn’t stand it, not when it was aimed at him. It was just wrong, undeserved. Don let go of his arm. “But if you want to check in on them first, maybe you could bring them some food.”

At that, Raph turned to glance at Don, lifting a brow. Food hadn’t even crossed his mind.

“Yeah, I know, food hasn’t really been the first thing on my mind either,” Don said like he had read his mind. “But none of us has eaten in a while, and with Leo so weak, he really needs to. Do you think you could get Mikey and Leo to eat something?”

“Ya askin’ me if I can make Mikey eat?” Raph asked, and Don smiled a bit at that.

“Well, I don’t think he’s going to look after himself, that’s why someone should bring something there.” Don was still speaking softly, but there was a sadness there that really pulled at Raph’s chest. He wasn’t the only one feeling like shit. Don must’ve been feeling pretty awful too, having to worry about all of them, even about Mikey eating- and when Don had tried to comfort him he had pushed him away.

Maybe the hug hadn’t been just to comfort him- maybe Don had wanted to be comforted as well. 

“It probably won’t be easy to get Leo to eat, so I was thinking-”

Raph acted fast, this time grabbing Don’s arm and pulling him into a hug. He felt Don’s surprise in the way he tensed, then his own when Don hugged him back almost instantly. He’d feared Don would push him away like he’d done to him. Would’ve served him right.

“Don’t do that,” Don said, his voice trembling as he clung to him. “Don’t push us away. I’m- I’m scared, Raph, I’m so scared for Leo- I’m so scared I won’t find a way to help him, and I’m so scared you’ll loathe me for it-”

“Woah, Don,” Raph stopped him right there, pushing back enough to see Don’s face. His younger brother was biting his lip, blinking his eyes to not let his emotions spill down his face. “Shit, if anyone should be loathed, it’s _me._ I kept pushing his buttons, thinking I could get through to him, and look where it got us-”

“You’re doing exactly what I don’t want you to be doing,” Don said, shaking his head, holding his uninjured hand just a bit tighter. “It’s _not_ your fault, Raph. Don’t… don’t blame yourself. Don’t distance yourself, don’t make me fear losing you, too.”

Raph wanted to laugh at that. _Look at me, driving my big brother to the edge of insanity, making my younger brother cry thinking I’m gonna abandon him._ The hurt he felt in his heart was overwhelming, but he didn’t know what to do about it, so he simply wrapped his arms around Don again. 

They stayed like that for a while, until they both felt a bit better. A bit more like they still had each other, that neither one of them was going to abandon the other. Mikey and Leo were there too, nothing was lost yet, and that made Raph pull away for the second time.

“I’ll get them something,” Raph said, carefully looking at Don. “I’ll make some coffee too.”

Don wiped at his face before giving him a grateful look. “Thanks, Raph. Will you get some rest after that?”

He wanted to say he wouldn’t, but truth be told, his head was a mess. He doubted he could focus on anything, so perhaps a nap was needed, whether he liked it or not. He gave a small nod.

“Yeah, maybe a twenty-minute nap. I’ll be back here afterwards.” Raph stepped back, but hesitated. Leaving Don here working alone didn’t feel right. “Did ya have time to check those books already?”

Don glanced at the open books on his table. “Yes, but I already have some questions for Sensei.”

“Oh, good, cause I was thinkin’ of boiling some water too, would ya ya take some tea ta Sensei?” If Don was with Splinter, he wouldn’t be alone in the lab.

Don seemed to consider that, then nodded. “That’s a good idea. I’ll do that in a moment.” 

“Okay.”

Don moved back to his chair to save the pages he had open, and Raph headed towards the kitchen. He really wasn’t hungry either, but stepping into the room reminded him that it truly had been a while since he had eaten anything.

He put the coffee maker to work, set the kettle on the stove and made some sandwiches. He left some for Don and Splinter next to the coffeemaker.

Before stepping out of the kitchen, he hesitated, glancing down at the sandwiches he was carrying. He turned around to make a little addition to the contents of the tray.

* * *

Don leaned his face against his hands.

It had just slipped- telling Raph about his fears of not finding the cure, of his fear of what his family would think of him if he failed. Obviously that wasn’t as big of a concern as finding a way to help Leo, but it still lurked there in the back of his mind. The what-ifs. If he couldn’t help Leo, then- then how could anyone ever forgive him? He knew nobody would outright blame him, it wasn’t like he knew about demons anymore than they did. He just- he was the one everyone counted on when they needed answers, solutions. 

He could see their broken family so clearly. He had already seen what the future was like if one of them was gone.

Moping around like this would solve nothing. Don shut his monitor, and stood up. He was going to do what Raph had suggested, go to Splinter, but once again he thought back to Leo. He had lost a lot of blood, and had seemed weak. Should he set an IV before doing anything else? But would that help any, when the demon was constantly draining his energy? The clock was ticking- every minute he did something else than searched for the solution meant more suffering for Leo. He’d do some reading and then check on him.

Don hadn’t even remembered the coffee before he passed the kitchen. The smell made him halt and turn back. He felt guilty for stopping for something like this as he poured himself a cup- but this would help keep him awake, would help him keep focused on finding the solution. He smiled weakly once he noticed the sandwiches Raph had made. 

Don knocked on Splinter’s door with his foot, holding the tray of food and tea in his hands. Immediately his Master told him to come in. Don pushed the door open with his shoulder, stepping in. Splinter’s room was lit up with only a few candles, the room darker than usual, casted in long shadows. The sight was slightly eerie- Splinter kneeling in the middle of the room, surrounded by the dark the candles desperately fought against. Don’s eyes went to the book that was open before him. The other page was full of text, while the other had a drawing that took over the whole page. The drawing had a dark background done with black ink, with even blacker eyes staring right at the reader through the darkness of the page. 

Splinter lifted his gaze.

“Ah, Donatello. I see you brought some tea. Thank you.”

Don nodded, “Raph made it.”

Splinter nodded in turn and moved the book he had been reading, and Don found his eyes following the picture until Splinter closed the book. Don blinked, stepping forward and setting the tray on the small table that had been pushed to the side to make room for the books. Splinter was usually very orderly, but now there were messy piles of books all over the floor. The candles lighting up the room had clearly been placed in a hurry, and the room was so dark because there were usually more candles burning.

“Are all these books somehow connected to the demon?” Don asked, glancing at the book Splinter had just closed.

“No.” Splinter poured himself a cup of tea, and took a careful sip before speaking again. “Only a few of them are, yet there’s still a lot to read before I can say for sure what kind of a demon we’re dealing with.”

That made Don’s shoulders sag. He had secretly hoped that their Father would’ve found the solution already. Leo really was running out of time. And that wasn’t the only thing that worried him.

“Sensei, I’ve been wondering,” Don began, “we know the demon is there, so we can now focus on reading about them. But- but it knows that _we_ know about it. It knows we’re trying to find a way to get rid of it. We threatened it. That… that just worries me. Well, everything about this does, but-”

Splinter sighed. “I understand, my son. I worry as well. I- I worry I made a mistake forcing the demon to show itself. A mistake that once again, cost Leonardo, and will cost him in the future. It will surely use Leonardo as a shield if we try to get rid of it.”

It wasn’t comforting that Master Splinter was doubting his decisions. Sensei had always been the one who just _knew_ what the right course of action was. For him to hesitate, for him to regret his decisions… it made the already desperate situation just feel even worse.

Donatello watched his Father. He seemed tired, his shoulders hunched. A dreadful thought came to him- Splinter hadn’t seen the same nightmares they had, perhaps because he hadn’t been in that tunnel like the rest of them had, but they had brought the demon home. Could Master Splinter be affected by the demon as well, like they had been? Only the effect was slower because he hadn’t been exposed to it as soon as they had?

Master Splinter was old, not quite as capable physically as he used to be, but his mind was as clear as ever. But if the demon had affected him as well, if his ability to make decisions had suffered... Don had been so focused on finding help for _Leo_ that he had somehow forgotten that it could try to possess them as well. The demon had even said it would go after them next. Its plan had most likely been to stay hidden and go through all of them, one by one. Now that they knew for sure it was there, things were noticeably harder for it. But it had also managed to feed on Leo for a long time, managing to grow stronger. 

What if- what if it tried to possess Master Splinter, and succeeded? They had struggled against Leo, even in his weakened state. How could they ever deal with the demon if it got Splinter? Then again, their Father was very skilled at things related to the mind. Leo had managed to control the demon before. Surely Splinter could do that too. But if it was already affecting him and his decisions...

Splinter set his cup down and reached for one of the books.

“I sense your distress,” Splinter said calmly. “I’ve already done some reading, and found something truly useful. I’d like to show you something that should ease some of your worries, Donatello.” 


	12. Blackmail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the reviews! They keep me coming back to the story to finish it. This story has really gotten out of hand, it wasn't meant to be this long... well, here we go again :D

“So much sighing.” 

Leonardo’s distorted voice startled Michelangelo so bad he almost fell out of the chair he was sitting on. Mikey’s eyes flew to his brother, but his brother wasn’t doing anything- still tied to the chair, holding his head down, not lifting it as he continued. 

“Worried sighs? Frustrated sighs?”

“None of your business-sighs,” Mikey huffed. “Go away and let Leo speak.”

“He’s been in control since your brothers left,” the demon said, finally lifting Leo’s head to glance at the turtle. “Looks like he used up all his energy fighting me before. He hasn’t done anything, so I got bored.”

So that’s why Leo had been quiet, why he hadn’t reacted to anything in any way. Because he was _that_ tired. Mikey felt bad for staying quiet for so long- he could’ve kept talking to Leo, even if “it’s going to be okay” was starting to get old. But it would’ve been better than the complete silence.

“What’s your goal? Just to hurt us until you get stronger?” Mikey asked, crossed his arms over his chest. “Then what?”

“Then hurt you some more,” the demon hummed.

The door opened, and Raph stepped in with a tray of food. His arm was covered with bandages, but he didn’t seem to have trouble holding the tray. Mikey jumped up anyway and took it from him, paying attention to the heavy bandaging going over Raph’s waist as well. He should probably be resting, but knowing Raph, he was too stubborn to do that.

Raph allowed the tray to be taken from him, but eyed Mikey suspiciously. 

“Ya were talking with it,” Raph said accusingly as he stepped into the room. Mikey moved to place the tray on Leo’s table. The sandwiches looked good and there was a delicious smell coming from under the lids of two plates, yet Mikey didn’t feel hungry. 

“I was, though I shouldn’t be, since it doesn’t say anything worthwhile,” Mikey said, turning his head to glare at Leo.

“Ya said ya would call us if-”

“If I needed you,” Mikey finished for him. “It _just_ started talking. It hasn’t tried anything. Yet.”

“So protective,” the demon grinned at them. “That’s what makes all this so good. Your caring nature makes the pain that much better.”

“Don said ya two should eat something,” Raph said to ignore the demon. He wouldn’t let it rile him up again. 

Mikey picked up a sandwich from the tray.

“How do you want to do this, _demon?_ ” Mikey asked, walking back to stand in front of Leo. “Wanna let Leo be in control, or do you want me to feed _you?_ ”

The demon eyed Mikey. “And what makes you think I’d let him eat?”

“He’s gonna eat, whether we’ll have to force him or not,” Raph said, stepping closer to stand on his other side. “Not like it’d be the first time.”

Leo stared at them before closing his eyes. When they opened again they were still black.

“It seems to be true that you’re familiar with forcing him to eat,” the demon huffed, sounding displeased. “I’ll make him choke on it.”

Mikey squinted, then realized that the demon had read Leo’s memories to see if they really had forced Leo to eat in the past. Which they had, though only a few times, when Leo had been too sick or hurt to do it himself.

“Stop reading his memories!” Mikey demanded, not like the demon would listen, but it felt disturbing to know that the demon had a power like that. Could just… read Leo and his past like that. His memories shouldn’t be anyone’s but Leo’s.

Raph had walked over to the tray and picked up one of the plates, and walked back in front of Leo again. “Figured this wouldn’t be easy, so I came prepared.”

Now Mikey recognized the good smell. Chicken soup! He held his arms out, telling Raph he could do this. While he set the sandwich aside Raph took off the lid and handed the plate over to him. “Hard to choke on something you don’t need to chew. Good thinking, Raph.”

The demon frowned, turning Leo’s head away. Raph stepped onto Leo’s other side, grabbed his chin and turned his head back towards Mikey. A low growl left Leo’s throat, the sound not something they had ever heard Leo make- it was deeply distorted, almost animalistic. Raph almost pulled away, startled by the sound since Leo tried to tug his head down like he was trying to bite him- but kept his hold, unwilling to let him move, unwilling to show any hesitation. 

“Is this really the kinda fight ya should use yer energy on?” Raph asked, his voice belittling. “Don will just hook up an IV if this doesn’t work. Yer struggling for nothing.”

Leo’s features twisted with anger for a second, and then the black in his eyes faded away. Mikey and Raph changed looks. They hadn’t thought that they’d get their first victory this soon- and this easily.

Leo gasped as he came back to himself. He blinked his eyes to get rid of the blurriness that had filled his vision, but his eyes wouldn’t focus. He couldn’t move, his hands ached terribly, he felt sick. He tried to move his hands to see why they hurt so badly, slowly realizing he was tied up. That should’ve made him worried, but instead he felt like… like being tied up was somehow important. That couldn’t be right, being restrained meant capture, something that should be avoided at all costs-

His memories returned in broken pieces, and with their return the sick feeling in his stomach grew. The things he had done... He fought the blurriness in his eyes with more vigor, scared to find out what he’d see, but needing to know if- if he had really-

Mikey was speaking, his soft voice helping Leo find his focus. Mikey speaking had to mean that he was fine, not lying on the floor in a puddle of his own blood. With one last blink everything cleared, and he took in the sight of his brothers. He had really expected to see blood and torn limbs, but both Mikey and Raph were standing in front of him, seemingly fine. Raph had some bandages on him, but they were both intact-

Another wave of nausea washed over him as images of what he had done pushed forward again. How- how weren’t they injured? He had hurt them so bad, could remember it all so clearly. But he could also remember Raph punching him, then apologizing for it- nothing made any sense. How could Raph punch him if he had hurt him so bad? Why would Raph be apologizing to him, when it should be the other way around? 

Was he here to be punched again? Was he tied down so that they could do to him what he had done to them? He couldn’t make any sense of his thoughts. Nothing sounded right, it hurt to try to collect his thoughts. He was simply waiting for the room to change, for it to become filled with pain and blood and death, because that was what happened every time, there was no escape, nothing but him and his swords and the bodies of his little brothers-

“Please, Leo, calm down!”

_Please, Leo, don’t hurt me-_

If he was tied down to be hurt, why weren’t they doing so already? Maybe this was just another form of punishment. Letting him wallow in his confusion, letting him agonize over who was going to bleed next. _God,_ let it be him. He couldn’t take it anymore, couldn't stomach even the idea of seeing the lifeless eyes of his brothers again. 

“Leo, just focus on me, okay? Just take deep breaths, please-”

Begging again. Always begging him. Even now, when he was supposed to be hurting for the things he had done, he couldn’t stop hurting them. He felt light-headed, his vision blurry again. Strange; if this was supposed to be a punishment, he should at least be able to see his brothers. Should be able to look at them and agonize over each and every bruise and cut he had given them.

Someone was holding his face. Their thumb was pressing against the corner of his bruised eye. It hurt, but not enough. He leaned his face into the touch, but didn’t receive pain for it. The hold was too gentle. The thumb shifted so that it no longer pressed against him; it petted the side of his face in small, soothing movements.

It did nothing to remove the ache in his body, but surprisingly, it quieted down the fear of more pain. It eased the agonizing headache he had. It made it easier to focus on the words that were still being spoken to him.

“That’s it, just breathe with me. You know how.”

Mikey was holding him, he could hear him breathing, deep exhales, slow inhales. Numbly he mimicked them until the nausea passed, until he could look at his brothers again. Mikey was kneeling in front of him, Raph right next to him. 

“Leo.” Raph’s voice made him look properly at him. “Hey. Ya with us?”

Was he? Had he not been? No, he hadn’t been here, he’d been caught in the mess that was his own head. He was so exhausted now, feeling a faint ache in his chest. He had definitely been hyperventilating.

He realized he was feeling ashamed. Ashamed over what had clearly been some kind of a panic attack just now. He’d had them before, so he had learned to recognize them by now. But it had been years since he’d last had one, but it didn’t really come as a surprise that he would have one now, considering everything that had happened. It just- he had already let his family down in so many ways, had been weak and useless and a _danger_ to them, and now this. Tied down, having a panic attack. He had hit rock bottom.

Despite the humiliation he felt, he nodded slowly. He was here now.

Mikey’s hands disappeared from his face, and he was being hugged. No, embraced, _squeezed._ He’d just got the ability to breathe back, and now he was losing it again.

“Mikey!” Raph was pulling Mikey away. “Ya gotta stop it with the surprise hugs! Yer gonna hurt him!”

“Sorry!” Mikey pulled away, but his hands stayed on Leo’s shoulders. “Man, Leo, that was a nasty panic attack.” 

Mikey had obviously recognized it as well. They had all had them at some point, they all knew what they were like. Knew the panic, the pressure building inside, making it hard to breathe or think correctly. 

“Ya okay?” Raph asked quietly. 

Leo closed his eyes. He just felt tired- panic attacks were never easy for the body, and it already felt like he’d been tired for days, weeks... He wanted to do nothing than to hang his head down and just- just keep his eyes closed. He recalled doing so before, after Raph had punched him. Mikey had been with him, talking to him while he had simply focused on existing. Leo hadn’t been able to answer him in any way, reminding him how pathetic he was now.

“Right. Stupid question,” Raph murmured.

“I can’t make sense of anything,” Leo finally managed to say, his voice small. “I feel like I’m going crazy. One moment there’s so much blood, the next there isn’t, you’re begging me to stop, then telling me it’s okay, but I don’t _know_ if it’s okay, it doesn’t _feel_ like it’s okay, I don’t know what’s real-”

The air in his lungs was escaping him again. He wasn’t used to this, to being so confused and lost. Wasn’t used to the words just escaping his mouth, was used to thinking before speaking. Acting calm and collected. Now he was everything but that. He hated heavy duty painkillers for this reason; he hated not being able to think straight. He felt like he was losing himself in this feeling. He was so helpless he had turned his blade against himself, so unstable that he had been tied down into a chair. 

Now that he held his head down and his vision had cleared, he could see all the dried blood still on the floor. There was so much of it. And there would be more, just like there always was-

His face was lifted up again. 

“Leo, you’re not going crazy. Do you remember the thing Master Splinter did?”

Forced to look away from the blood Leo managed to think back, shutting his eyes tightly as hot flashes of pain crossed his mind. Yes… he remembered. Remembered pleading their Sensei to try to find out the cause for this. Remembered the comfort he hadn’t felt in a long time, then the pain- could feel it now that he focused on it-

“Hey, hey. It’s okay. You’re okay now.”

Mikey was rubbing his thumb against his cheek again, and the pain faded. Such a small motion was better than any painkiller could’ve been, confusing him, but he wasn’t about to complain, simply focusing on the comforting feeling instead.

But with the comfort came embarrassment. Here he was, letting his brother pet his face like he was a child. But he was tired… too tired to care enough to pull away. 

Something was telling him to do so anyway, whispering ugly things to him. Tried to make him look at the blood again, but it was easy to ignore if he focused on the way Mikey’s finger traced the side of his face.

“I’m okay,” Leo mumbled quietly, repeating what had been said to him. His eyes were still closed, he felt like falling asleep right there.

“I’m going to let you rest in a moment,” Mikey said, apparently having noticed his sleepiness (which probably wasn’t too difficult to notice with him keeping his eyes closed and leaning on hi brother), “but Leo, you need to know it’s the demon that’s been causing this. Splinter managed to reveal it. It’s been forcing you to do these things, none of it is you, none of this is your fault. Got it, Leo?”

Half-asleep, Leo only hummed in answer. 

“Okay, okay, you’re tired,” Mikey chuckled at him, but even in this state Leo knew that the sound was only half-hearted. “But there’s still one thing I need you to do.”

He had been leaning forward, but he was being pushed backwards so that his shell rested against the back of the chair. Mikey’s hands left his face, and their disappearance made him crack his eyes back open.

“It’s been a while since you’ve eaten anything. Raph brought soup, think you could eat even a bit?”

It had been a while since he had even thought about food. The nausea still living in the bottom of his stomach resisted the idea… but Mikey had picked up a plate of something, and he could smell the chicken soup now. It smelled wonderful. He _was_ hungry; maybe part of the nausea was because he had kind of forgotten all about food for… he had no idea when he had last eaten. 

Leo tried to move his hands to take the plate, only to remember he couldn’t use them right now. Both the ropes and the pain in his hands reminded him of that.

The small tug of his hands didn’t go unnoticed. “Yeah, sorry, Leo, I guess I’ll be helping you with this,” Mikey said, sitting back next to Leo. It wouldn’t be the first time they helped each other with something like this, for they had all been so injured they couldn’t eat on their own. But even if it was familiar, it was never easy for their pride. 

Now Leo had to swallow what little remained of his pride. He felt vulnerable and somehow exposed, he was, after all, tied to a chair, unable to do anything. But he’d take this, he’d take the calm they were having, the comforting closeness of his brother, even if it came with the price of his pride. 

But as soon as his eyes fell on the food, a sharp pain shot through his head and he heard the awful whistle that came from a throat that had been cut open, as the figure beneath him still tried to draw in air, failing desperately, gurgling on their own blood-

Leo jerked his head away, and the sound faded. Taking a careful breath he glanced back at the food, feeling the same pain, quickly looking away again before another image of blood could take over his mind.

“Leo?”

Mikey’s voice was so quiet and worried. Leo looked up at him, careful to not look at the plate.

“You said… it’s a demon,” Leo spoke slowly. “I think… I think it doesn’t want me to eat.”

“What do you mean?” Mikey asked, but he had seen the pain on Leo’s face. “It’s… it’s hurting you if you look at the food?”

Leo nodded meekly. 

“That piece of…” Raph mumbled from the side. 

“It’s okay,” Leo sighed, leaning back against the chair. He _was_ hungry, especially now that there was food right in front of him… but after the vision, even though it had been brief, he wasn’t sure if he could keep the food down. “‘m just gonna eat later.”

“It’s not okay!” Mikey piped up. “Hey, asshole demon- did you forget what we said about the IV? Just let him eat.”

It was a milder form of torture to have food right in front of him now that he realized how starved he was, but he didn’t really care about the pain in his stomach. It was much better than the horrible images in his head. Besides, it would go away if he just slept. He wanted nothing but to close his eyes again.

But Mikey lifted the plate, expecting Leo to look at it like he was sure the demon had listened and given up.

Taking a deep breath, Leo lowered his eyes. And this time, all he saw was the steaming soup, pieces of vegetables visible in the creamy broth. 

“There we go,” Mikey smiled when Leo didn’t turn his head away and grabbed a spoon.

Raph had been quiet for a good while. He had been ready to step in when the demon had once again tried to prevent Leo from eating, but he hadn’t been needed. He simply stood at the side, his chest heavy as he watched his brothers. 

Leo was here now, clearly unfocused and hurting, but he was here- he could talk to him. Could, once again, tell him how sorry he was. But the words were buried somewhere deep in him. He wanted to say them, _needed_ to say them, but he didn’t know how to say them in a way that mattered. _I’m sorry_ wasn’t enough to describe how he felt. There was so much more that he wanted to say. 

But the time wasn’t right. It looked like Leo was using all his energy on just keeping his eyes open. Mikey seemed determined to make him eat, so things were looking better. But Leo was still weak, the demon was still there, still hurting him. What if- what if he wouldn’t get another chance to apologize-

_Stop it,_ he told himself angrily. _He’ll be fine. He has to be._

But no thanks to him. Mikey had been amazing just now- handling Leo with so much care and love that Raph had barely dared to get involved. Yeah, he had been there when Leo had been shallowly gasping instead of breathing properly, but Mikey had been the one to bring Leo back from the panic attack.

He just… hadn’t dared to get too close.

It wasn’t like he had been needed, anyway. Mikey had everything under control, and was now making sure Leo would eat. Mikey had done everything and more, and he had dared to doubt him earlier, had questioned if Mikey should be left alone to watch after Leo.

The shame and self-hatred made him walk away. It wasn’t like Leo needed an audience while he ate, anyway.

He should’ve known he would be breaking the promise he had made to Don. How the hell could he rest when- when things were like this? A wave of exhaustion washed over him as he walked, his body begging him to just _let go_ and find a place to crash, but there was no way he would. He was beat, but his damn head was filled with anger, frustration, hurt-

Raph headed for his room and slammed the door shut, not bothering with the lights, just slumping down against the door, holding his head between his hands.

* * *

Two plates sat on Leonardo’s table, both almost empty. They had been set there a while ago, and Leonardo was drowsing for real now. Michelangelo wanted to close his eyes as well, wanted to bask in the silence and forget all the horribleness that was their life now, even if just for a moment- but he kept his eyes open stubbornly to keep an eye on Leonardo.

Although there wasn’t that much to look after. The demon hadn’t made an appearance after he and Raph had made it clear that starving Leo wasn’t an option. Mikey couldn’t help wondering whether that was a good or a bad sign. If they let Leo rest and made sure he ate something, did that strengthen both him and the demon? Or only one of them? He hoped it would give some of Leo’s, and only his, strength back to help keep the demon away… why else did the demon resist the idea of Leo eating that much?

He couldn’t help wondering what the demon was up to. When he’d asked, it had said it would just hurt them more. Hurting them made it stronger, so that was probably it’s goal. But what was it getting stronger for? Just to hurt people more efficiently? It would go after humans if they didn’t stop it. It would go after humans if- if it managed to drain Leo, and then the rest of them. Mikey shuddered. It wouldn’t happen, because they were going to stop it.

So, if it hadn’t wanted Leo to eat, did that mean it didn’t want Leo to get stronger? Then why was it being so silent, letting Leo take a break, letting him recover? Did the demon need some rest as well? Was it not as strong as it claimed to be? They had tied it to a chair. That didn’t sound like something that could be done to a strong demon. It had spoken with so much confidence, but of course it had. It wanted them to believe that it was strong now, so that they would keep fearing it. Fear was what fed it. And Mikey had to admit that he had feared it- but he was over that now.

He glanced over his shoulder at the door of the room. Raph had left without saying anything, and Mikey knew he was hurting. It had been difficult to hear Leo’s slurred apologies, but it had been just as difficult to watch Raph kneel in front of Leo after punching him, weakly apologizing to him. He couldn’t remember the last time he had seen Raph that desperate and vulnerable. Just lowering all his walls and apologizing. Leo shouldn’t be alone, but neither should Raph. Knowing him, he was carrying some pretty heavy thoughts, and wouldn’t let go of them that easily. 

Mikey stood up; he was unable to sit still with so many thoughts in his head. He wanted to go after Raph, maybe drag him back in here so that he could keep company both to him and Leo. But maybe Raph needed some time alone. Mikey sighed and started pacing, unable to make up his mind. He quickly regretted it, though- his movements seemed to rouse Leo. 

But if Leo was awake – and didn’t immediately fall back asleep – Mikey could talk with him. Leo hadn’t said much when they had eaten earlier, and Mikey had let him rest after that, so he was looking forward to having a conversation with him. Maybe Leo was feeling better already!

When Leo lifted his head, Mikey was met with black eyes. To his disappointment, he hadn’t roused Leo- he had roused the demon. Was that the same thing? Was Leo awake when the demon was? Did Leo see and experience what the demon did? Or did the demon choose what Leo saw? That would explain why Leo was so confused.

Leo blinked, and the black faded. Immediately Mikey dashed closer to Leo who was slowly looking around.

“Leo!” Mikey greeted him happily. Leo’s eyes didn’t seem as glassy as a moment ago- food and rest seemed to have been good for him. “Hey, how are you feeling?”

Leo’s gaze focused on him, but immediately he shuddered, closing his eyes tightly. When they opened again, the familiar blackess had taken over. Mikey frowned in annoyance- had the demon done that on purpose? Given Leo just a few seconds of time to be here, just to immediately take that away?

Or had Leo stolen control for that short moment?

“Leo?” Mikey asked carefully, in case his brother could still hear him. The demon only frowned at his question.

“Are you dumb or blind?” The harsh question sounded wrong coming from Leo. His voice was all wrong again. “Black eyes mean he’s not here, remember?”

“Hey, you’re the one we’ve got chained down,” Mikey huffed, deciding to try to intimidate it a bit, to show it it couldn’t do just whatever. He had decided to not fear it anymore, and was going to show it. “Maybe consider the way you speak to us.”

The demon barked out a short laugh. “ _Riight._ Like you’d do anything to me. You can’t, not when I’m _here._ ”

Mikey’s look darkened. “You’re a coward, hiding in there. Why don’t you come out? Can you even do that?”

Tilting his head, the demon answered. “I could.” The black eyes watched him carefully, and suddenly Mikey felt uncomfortable under its watch, like the demon was taking in his every detail, like it was reading him by just looking at him. 

“Would you like to swap places with your brother?”

The question was sudden and unexpected. The demon could just move out of Leo? Well, it was a demon, so probably yes. But that meant- that meant it could just possess any of them, didn’t it? Mikey stood up from the chair. That’d be very, _very_ dangerous.

But if it could, it would’ve done so already. It gained nothing from staying in Leo when he was tied down. Mikey was alone in the room; if the demon could possess him, it would’ve done so already. 

“Imagine how much suffering you could save him from,” the demon continued. “He wouldn’t need to be tied down if he was free of me. You saw what he did to his hands-”

“What _you_ forced him to do,” Mikey interrupted angrily. The demon paid him no mind, continuing with a steady voice.

“-judging by your scars, you all know how it feels to have deep wounds. Imagine having your hands cut open like this, and then tied behind your back. It’s like you _want_ him to suffer, keeping him like this.”

“It’s only temporary,” Mikey said, but unable to ignore the stab he felt in his chest. He could imagine how Leo was feeling. Already hurt, and put into that chair just to hurt more. Had that been the last drop, had being tied down caused the panic attack? Mikey felt awful realizing that was a possibility, but he knew the demon was just trying to get under his skin. He couldn’t let the words have power over him. “You talk just to get me upset, to get me to do something stupid. Well, I’m not stupid. Of course I know he’s hurting. _Of course_ I don’t want him to hurt. And as much as I hate to keep doing this, keeping him hurting like this, I know it’s the only way to keep us safe from you.”

“Well, you might be safe,” the demon said, a smile slowly forming on Leo’s face. “But is _he?_ ”

Leo’s eyes closed, his head lolled forward. It simply looked like he had lost consciousness, but Mikey felt a harsh pang of worry- he took a step forward, aiming to check if he was alright-

Leo’s head shot up, his eyes wide open, the blackness gone. It was Leo, but he was gasping for breath, his whole body tense. He moaned weakly, shook his head like he was trying to get rid of something.

“Stop it- _stop it-_ ”

Leo’s voice was laced with pain. Something was very clearly hurting him, and Mikey didn’t need to guess twice what that something was.

“Stop it!” Mikey placed his hands on either side of Leo’s face, trying to keep him still so that he wouldn’t hurt himself from trashing against the ropes. “Stop it, please, don’t hurt him- I’ll do what you want-”

He realized that despite Leo’s harsh movements, the rope wasn’t digging into his skin. It was doing the opposite- starting to peel down from around his chest and arms. Alarmed, Mikey leaned back to see better, to see where it had started going slack.

Leo’s hand came out of nowhere, grabbing his hand before he could reach for the rope. He could now see how much the ropes had loosened already, the demon able to move his other hand as well. It wasn’t free yet, but was tugging at the slackened ropes. With his free hand Mikey grabbed Leo’s shoulder, pushing him back against the back of the chair to stop him from moving, but the ropes were already too slack. 

Mikey opened his mouth to scream for his brothers, but his voice didn’t get the chance to leave his mouth when the demon let go of his arm to deliver a hard punch to his stomach. He doubled over, and all that came out from his mouth was a small grunt of pain.

“Weak,” the demon hissed at him. Doubled over, Mikey’s head was now close enough that Leo could reach up and grab the tails of Mikey’s mask. With a harsh tug he pulled Mikey’s head down, headbutting him. Disoriented, Mikey couldn’t do much as Leo grabbed his shoulder and used him to pull himself up, the ropes falling down on the floor, completely freeing Leo. 

A quick kick at Mikey’s legs made him lose his balance, and he fell down on his shell with Leo on top of him. Mikey gasped at the feeling of Leo’s weight on him- he was already out of breath thanks to the punch to his stomach. And to make breathing even worse, Leo’s hand suddenly covered his mouth, preventing him from yelling.

“Don’t want to kill you, no, you’ll be of so much use to me,” Leo said, black eyes staring hungrily down at him. “Still need you. But if you scream, I _will_ make that sacrifice and get rid of you.”

Mikey felt something warm and sticky against his lips- Leo’s hand was bleeding through the bandaging after it had used Leo’s hands so carelessly. The smell of copper was strong this close to his nostrils; Mikey closed his eyes in disgust as he could almost taste Leo’s blood. It shouldn’t have been possible for Leo to do this, to use his injured hands, but it looked like the demon was able to ignore the pain Leo must’ve been feeling. But even if the pain didn’t affect the demon, Leo’s palms had been open, held together with Don’s stitching- those stitches were obviously opened now- yet the demon still managed to work the hands that should’ve been rendered useless.

He should’ve been more careful. Should’ve paid more attention-

Mikey opened his eyes again and tried to shake his head to dislodge Leo’s hand, but the demon only pressed down with more pressure, bleeding over his face. Mikey grunted in distress, tried to push Leo off of him, but Leo’s knees were on top of his arms, painfully pinning them to the floor.

“This must be awful for you- you look up to your brother so much,” the demon spoke, watching his struggle, “but do you know why I chose him? I sensed the _darkness_ in him. It was pretty strong with your red brother, as well, but this one…. I guess it’s no surprise, considering what kind of lives you lead. Miserable lives. Nothing but violence, hiding, surviving, day after day. And he’s the one who must lead you through all that. It’s on him to make sure you survive. But now… your downfall is on him. I’m sure you understand how crushing that is to him. How painful it is to know the depth of his failure.”

The hand over Mikey’s mouth was adjusted, the demon made Leo lean forward to put more of his weight on him.

“I’m doing him a favor, really, freeing him of his pain by removing him from this world.”

Mikey’s eyes narrowed, he tried to shake his head to show his disagreement. Maybe he could try to bite him-

“No? You disagree?” Leo tilted his head. “I could give him peace, but you don’t want that? Of course you don’t. Not like that; you still think that there’s _hope._ ”

Mikey tried to yank his head to the side, but Leo’s grip on him was unforgiving, his fingers digging into his cheeks.

“I could give you what you want. I could let him live, I could let you ease his suffering. You can have that, if you stay quiet and trade places with him.” The demon smiled. “Your brother won’t last for long, like I already told you. He’s tired. So very, very tired. Bleeding all over you now as well.”

Mikey tried to scream, still tried to move his head, but Leo wasnow pressing down on his forehead with his other hand to keep him still. He knew giving in would be stupid, he had just said he _wasn’t_ stupid- but what else could he do? He could feel Leo’s body trembling, knew that if he waited just a moment longer he could get a chance to throw the demon off of him- but if he didn’t do what it wanted, the demon would just keep hurting Leo, would keep wearing him out. 

Wasn’t this what they had been looking for, a way to get the demon out of Leo? But if he couldn’t control it, it would use _him_ to hurt Master Splinter, Don, Raph- and if they couldn’t stop him, who knew how many others.

With the demon focused on keeping his head still, Mikey managed to wrestle his arm free from under Leo’s knee. He grabbed the hand that was pushing against his mouth, his fingers curling around Leo’s wrist and twisting. His thumb slid up to press against the edge of Leo’s open palm, and now the pain seemed to take the demon by surprise. Apparently it wasn’t that unbothered by what the body it was in felt. 

Leo’s eyes widened, and as much Mikey hated to see that look, suspecting that his brother felt the pain as well, he kept twisting. Leo’s whole body twisted with the pain, giving Mikey the room to throw him off of himself. Leo landed on his side on the floor, unable to catch himself properly with his injured hands. He _could’ve_ tried _,_ but the demon seemed hesitant to use them now that they were hurting so much. 

Instead of getting back up and attacking him again, Leo rolled away from him and got up on his knees. Keeping eye contact with Mikey, the demon hesitated, but lifted Leo’s bleeding hands. It pressed his left thumb into the palm of his right hand, kind of like Mikey had just done to him. But unlike Mikey, he pushed his thumb right into the center of the wound, and pressed hard through the bandages. 

Immediately a hoarse scream tore out of Leo’s throat, the blackness in his eyes flickering, the pain enough to almost break the demon’s control. 

“ _Don’t!_ ” Mikey yelled, pushed himself up from the floor and hurried towards Leo, aiming to grab hold of his arms to make the demon stop. Mikey felt sick imagining the pain of having something digging into a wound like that – especially since this wasn’t the first time it was happening to said wound.

“S-stay still and I’ll stop,” the demon hissed, stuttering a little in its words for the first time. It seemed to be affected by its own actions and the damage it was causing.

Mikey stopped, clenching and unclenching his hands, not knowing what to do.

“Let me in and this will stop,” the demon continued, leaving the wound in Leo’s hand alone, shaking on the floor. “If you don’t, I’ll k-keep doing this.”

“It’s affecting you as well,” Mikey said, his heart beating wildly in his chest. “You can’t keep this up. You can feel the pain just as he does.”

“This pain is nothing to me,” the demon hissed out. “It’ll wear him out long before it’ll do anything to me.”

“We’ll tie you again,” Mikey said, unable to keep the desperate edge off of his voice. He needed to keep talking, needed to make the demon give up. “We’ll make sure you can’t do anything to him-”

“You _saw_ what I did even when I was tied down,” the demon growled, sounding frustrated now. Was it that bothered by the pain it had caused? Why was it so desperate to get out of Leo now? A moment ago Mikey would’ve felt satisfied over pushing the demon this far, hearing it sound so mad would’ve felt like a small victory- but now he was scared of it’s frustration, scared of why it was desperate and what it might do to Leo because of it.

“Here’s a reminder,” it said with another hiss, and immediately Leo’s body tensed, he fell down onto his side, clenched his teeth- clearly fighting a scream of pain-

“Fine! _Fine!_ ” Mikey screamed, shutting his eyes in defeat. He couldn’t, simply couldn’t see his brother in a pain like this anymore. He’d trade places. He’d- he’d take the demon in, and he’d fight it. He wouldn’t let it get control over him. And even if it did- Master Splinter was with Raph and Don, Father would- would know how to fight him. This would be worth it, just to stop the pain Leo was in. The demon was no longer passively killing Leo. Mikey could see it well for himself that Leo’s body couldn’t take this kind of abuse anymore, Leo would die of exhaustion or the shock or- he didn’t know, just knew it had to stop.

The room went silent, and Mikey opened his eyes. The black eyes were staring at him, Leo’s chest heaving as it recovered from the pain the demon had caused. 

“Come here,” it said, not attempting to get up from the floor.

“What, too tired to get up? Out of demon mojo?” Mikey asked dryly, bitterly, unable to keep the mocking tone out of his voice. The demon narrowed Leo’s eyes.

“If you want him to suffer that badly-”

“No,” Mikey breathed out immediately, dropping the venom from his voice. “No. Just… just let him be.”

“Come here,” the demon said, “and don’t make me repeat myself again.”

Mikey bit his tongue to not say anything more. Feeling empty and drained, he came closer, kneeling down next to Leo. His heart was still beating wildly- would this hurt? Not like it mattered, he’d take it, he’d take it to free Leo of it. But it was still scary. But- but Mikey could fight it. Leo had fought it even when he hadn’t even known that there was a demon in his head. Mikey had much better chances, and he would fight it. He wouldn’t give it control. He-

It felt like something crashed against his _brain_. It felt like Don’s hot coffee spilling over his fingers when he had accidentally knocked it over- but only like it was being poured all over the insides of his head. He tried to scream but it died on the way up from his throat, he doubled over to hold his head between his hands-

And as suddenly as the pain had begun, it ended. His hands fell down from his head. He was left with only a faint ache, feeling heavy. Like something was pressing down on him from all sides. 

His eyes opened on their own, and suddenly there was a sense of power. His earlier exhaustion was pushed away- not removed, he felt it in the back of his head, but the sudden strength he felt took his mind off of it. Was this how Leo had managed to keep going despite his sleep deprivation? This strength had to come from the demon. The demon was the reason Leo had been able to keep going for so long, the reason he had managed to use his injured hands.

_The demon_ . Mikey panicked once he realized that it was now inside of _him-_ panicked even more when he couldn’t properly feel his body. He tried to move his hand, but nothing happened. No sound came out when he tried to speak. He felt claustrophobic- trapped inside his own mind and body. He hated, _loathed_ this already. And there hadn’t been even a chance to fight it- just like that, he was no longer in control of his own body. The demon had gotten strong after all. 

He saw more than felt his hand rise, and without giving the command he looked down at his fingers. It felt surreal, like a bizarre dream. His body acting completely on its own.

“This… this is much better. I almost forgot what it felt like to be in a properly functioning body.”

If seeing his hand move without giving it the command had been bizarre, it was definitely bizarre to hear himself speak without having thought about doing it. Raph would have probably made a wisecrack about that, and the thought of him made Mikey’s chest ache deeply. What he would do to have Don or Raph- preferably both- walk into the room right now. Maybe they would have something figured out already, maybe they’d get this thing out of him and they could finally leave all of this behind. At least they could tie him up in turn and take proper care of Leo.

_You think it’d be that easy?_

This was the first time he heard the demon’s own voice instead of it speaking with the twisted version of his or Leo’s. It was deep, resembled a growl- and it was inside his head. Was it able to read his mind like it had read Leo’s?

_Of course I can._

This was plainly crazy. How had Leo been able to deal with this?

_Not too well, as you’ve seen._

Mikey couldn’t read the demon’s thoughts, but he felt it’s amusement as _they_ thought about Leo’s drained and hurt state. Mikey felt it’s satisfaction over causing those things to his brother.

And felt his own anger towards the demon.

‘ _I’m more of a chill dude, but I really, really hope that Don’s cooking up something really bad for you,_ ’ Mikey thought. Yeah, just a normal day, threatening the demon inside your head. 

The demon didn’t answer him, instead turning its attention to Leo. Mikey’s heart dropped when he saw his brother- still on the floor, smeared with the blood from his hands. He was trying to push himself up, but without the demon’s power he was struggling, shaking, way too pale.

Regret filled him. Had it been better for Leo to have the demon in him, to have the demon’s power to give him at least some strength? No… no, the demon would’ve only kept hurting him. His only choice to save both of them was to get control over his body for long enough to alert Raph or Don- 

“Why, Leo?” Again Michelangelo could hear himself speak, having no control over what was coming out of his mouth. “Why did you hurt me like this?”

Mikey felt confused until he saw the way Leo was looking at him. The ache in his chest grew- Leo’s gaze was unfocused, but he looked horrified. Even with the demon gone from his head he obviously wasn’t fully back to his own self. Mikey knew the demon had made Leo see awful things, had made him think he had hurt his family for real. Judging from the way Leo was looking at him he was still either seeing or believing those things.

Mikey felt the demon gesturing with his hands towards his chest, and saw Leo’s eyes follow the movement. “See all this blood? You did this to me, Leo. Why?”

He saw the deep hurt in Leo’s eyes, and knew that whatever the demon had done to him before was still in effect, making him see or imagine the blood that in reality wasn’t there. 

‘ _Stop it! Stop talking to him!_ ’ Mikey screamed. ‘ _Is this the reason you wanted to trade places? Just to keep tormenting him in a different way? Haven’t you done enough to him?_ ’

The demon ignored him.

“You can feel it, right? The demon’s gone. This time it was really you who did this. Did you like it?” It kept talking with Mikey’s voice. “Hurting me? _Killing_ me?”

Mikey wanted to scream at Leo to not listen, to not believe anything. Leo shouldn’t be looking at him like that, he should realize that this wasn’t him, that this was the demon! Leo knew now that the demon was behind everything that had happened, so why did he look so hurt? 

Because of all the pain and manipulation Leo had been suffering. He was still out of it, making it easy for the demon to keep confusing him. Of course Leo wouldn’t just suddenly be alright, even if the demon left his head. How many times had Leo heard these accusations already? How many times had he seen his brothers broken and bleeding, blaming him for all of it?

“No,” Leo murmured, his voice barely audible. “No, not a...again...”

The broken voice was too much. Mikey had had enough. He needed to take control, needed to at least be able to speak, to stop the emotional corruption and manipulation the demon was still doing. But as soon as he tried to fight back the demon sensed it and pushed him back, forcing him deeper down into himself. It’s strength took him by surprise- it’s presence was like a heavy blanket falling over him, draining his strength until he felt like he was disappearing from his own mind. 

It was a horrible feeling- like he was falling, his sense of self fading. He was losing his touch with his own body, drifting away from his senses. His vision was fading, yet he couldn’t shake Leo’s defeated form from his mind. His eyes burned with emotion. He felt like such a fool- he had thought that he could take the hurt away from Leo by agreeing to this. He had thought he’d be strong enough to resist the demon, yet here he was, completely at it’s mercy. Trapped. Useless. Only letting it continue torturing Leo.

“Mikey, i-it’s okay.”

Leo’s voice made the demon focus on him, and Mikey was able to see again, the sensation of fading away disappearing. Leo’s expression wasn’t as broken as a moment ago- he looked _bad,_ pale and shaking, but more focused.

And Mikey realized that maybe his eyes were black now that the demon was in complete control. After whatever Splinter had done to Leo they had been able to see the demon’s eyes when it spoke. At least Mikey hoped that it worked that way. Whether it was the black eyes or something else, Leo must’ve realized that something didn’t add up.

“I know that you… you’re fighting… it.” Leo was no longer trying to get up, now letting the side of his head rest against the floor. “It… it always… helped me. W-when you said that… that it’ll be... okay.”

Leo’s eyes were halfway shut. His breathing was starting to even out- and that wasn’t a good sign. Leo was going to pass out, or- or worse. Panicking, Mikey wanted to go to him, to help him, but his body wasn’t moving.

_Look at him, thinking some words will help. Playing so docile now that he’s weak. You remember how he hurt you and your brothers earlier. I told you there was a darkness in him, all I did was to bring out that darkness-_

“You and me both know that that’s-” Mikey paused when he realized that he was using his real voice instead of speaking inside his head. “-bullshit…”

He grinned, and could actually feel it on his face. He had control! He was in control!

Except he wasn’t. He had his voice back, but his legs wouldn’t move. A sudden wave of pain inside of his head hit him again- the demon was fighting him again, trying to steal back the control it had lost. Mikey groaned at the pain- how could he fight this? It hurt _so_ bad.

“Mikey… it… it has no power over you,” Leo managed weakly from the floor. “B-because. You’re strong. Strong enough to… fight it...”

Slowly, slowly the pain eased. Mikey managed to push the demon back- managed to move his hands, and eventually his legs as well. The moment he could he dashed towards Leo, falling down on his knees next to him. His hands were shaking with emotion and the pain still lingering in his head when he gently cupped Leo’s face. His eyes were closed, but when he felt Mikey’s touch, they opened slowly, having trouble focusing on him. 

“Leo! Oh, god, Leo.” Mikey felt his eyes burning- Leo was lying so still, his skin cold against his touch. “The demon- it’s inside my head, yeah, you figured it out, but, but I have control, at least for now- don’t believe anything it- or I- say, not a word, I can’t believe you believed any of that before- well I can, considering what it’s done to you, but still, Leo, I’d never- oh, geez.”

He was talking fast, too much, knowing he was probably just confusing Leo. His brother was doing nothing but staying still in his hold. 

“So it’s… really a demon...” Leo managed to whisper. Mikey nodded vigorously.

“Yeah, the thing that’s been making you see and do things is a demon,” Mikey said. “None of it is you. No matter what it tries to tell you. You- you even knew how to make me fight it.”

The look in Leo’s eyes turned distant. He could almost hear the gears turning in his head- obviously going through everything that happened- but it also worried him. Leo’s eyes were already so glassy, he didn’t like how still Leo was now, how it looked like he was somehow slipping away. Which reminded Mikey that Leo needed help, _right now._

Mikey placed one hand under Leo, starting to pull him up from the floor. Leo didn’t do much to help- only leaned into him, allowed his head to rest against Mikey’s shoulder.

“Is- is ‘t hurting y’?” Leo asked, his voice starting to slur even more. He was dangerously close to passing out. 

“No.” Mikey shook his head. His head ached, but it was nothing.

“Get Don, and Raph, and- and Sensei,” Leo mumbled. “They’ll… they’ll get it out. Don’t- don’t let it back in. If it- if it comes for me, just- just let it, if it has no place to go, it’ll die with me- just don’t let it make me hurt you, please-”

Mikey wanted to wrap his arms around Leo, hug him and comfort him, but a sharp pain filled his mind again. Now that he knew what the demon’s presence felt like he was at least prepared for it, could fight it- but it was so strong, filling his mind with it’s vile thoughts, making everything burn and hurt so fast he could only gasp-

“Oh, you’ve managed to read my thoughts?” The demon’s voice was full of distaste as it spoke to Leo. “I should’ve gotten rid of you before. You disgust me for thinking you could be capable of taking me with you. Your _team_ won’t let you do that; I have three vessels eager to let me in so that I won’t burn you out, even though you’re going to do so anyway!”

Leo was still leaning against Mikey, and the demon pushed him away. Leo had no strength to catch himself, his shell clacking against the floor. But he didn’t stay down this time- he managed to roll over onto his side and push himself up on his elbows, starting to drag himself away, like he knew that pain would follow if he didn’t. But he was slow, painfully slow. He wouldn’t get anywhere like that- he was simply too weak. The demon stood up, watching Leo’s struggle with amusement. There was no way Leo would be able to get away, and the knowledge made Mikey’s insides freeze with fear.

Instead of going after Leo, the demon made Mikey turn away from him. It made him walk over to Leo’s drawers. As soon as one of the drawers opened Mikey was resisting again, giving it his all to get back his body, yelling, cursing the demon. All he managed to do was to make his hand shake a little- but despite his efforts, his fingers neared the kunai inside the drawer, curling around the hilt of the weapon.

Kunai in hand Michelangelo turned around so that Leonardo could see it. Once again Michelangelo felt the demon’s satisfaction when Leonardo’s eyes widened, when he looked back in front of himself and put more effort into his attempts to get away. All Leonardo managed to do was to drain himself faster, finally sinking down onto the floor. Michelangelo’s heart ached like someone was clawing at it.

‘ _Move, Leo! Please, get up, yell for help!_ ’ Mikey couldn’t believe how stupid he was after all. When he had had his moment of control, he should’ve yelled for their brothers- he could’ve spoken with Leo later, but he had doomed him by holding him and speaking to him. He had doomed his brother for a short moment of comfort. 

He tried to will his brother to move, kept yelling for him, but nothing came out. It wouldn’t even have mattered- Leo seemed to be at the end of his rope. He was barely moving, and with just a few steps Mikey was standing next to him. 

‘ _No! Don’t hurt him!_ ’ Mikey aimed his screams at the demon, trying to get it’s attention. ‘ _Please. Hurt me instead. He’s done. He’s done!’_

A kickto Leo’s side sent him over onto his shell, and the demon kneeled down next to him. A hard punch sent Leo’s head sideways, but Mikey grabbed his jaw, tilting his head back towards him only to punch him again. After that Leo lay still, breathing hard. Blood trickled from the corner of his mouth.

The demon didn’t move either, waiting for something, ignoring the way Mikey still pleaded it to stop.

“Mikey,” Leo breathed out after a moment of catching his breath, coughing lightly. Slowly he turned his head to look at Mikey, his face more bruised than before. “It’s okay- You can f-fight it-”

“How lovely, using sweet words to get rid of me.” Mikey placed his hand over Leo’s, almost in a tender motion. Then he wrapped his fingers around his hand and squeezed- made Leo cry out as the wound in his palm was abused. “Stupid to think it would work again.”

The demon eased it’s hold, allowing Leo to pant and recover. It waited again. Waited for Leo to recover before doing anything else, Mikey realized- it didn’t want to hurt Leo if he wasn’t completely there to feel it. New rage washed over Mikey, and he fought with more vigor, tried to get himself to back away from Leo.

Yet nothing happened.

As Leo blinked his eyes open again, Mikey held up the kunai. With some trouble Leo’s eyes focused on it, following it as it slowly traveled down, until the tip was pressed against his plastron, right over his heart.

Mikey screamed again, but it only echoed inside his head. This couldn’t be happening. It was his hand, holding that knife, about to do something so horrible he felt sick and vile-

“You know we could never forgive you for hurting us like this,” Mikey could hear his own voice be used, and it killed him inside. Leo now knew it was the demon talking, but he knew it could make Leo see things that weren’t real- and with Leo so weak, barely conscious, he knew how this would affect him. 

‘ _Don’t listen, Leo,_ ’ Mikey begged without being heard.‘ _Remember it’s the demon. Please don’t listen._ ’

Leo exhaled slowly, and Mikey could see the mix of emotions on his face. 

“You- you’ll defeat it,” Leo said, his voice barely audible, slightly unsure. Mikey froze when he saw the resigned look in his eyes. But there was something else there too- something soft, affectionate. Something that seemed out of place on his badly bruised face.

“Mikey, I love y-”

The kunai was pressed down and plunged into Leo’s chest, the whole blade disappearing from sight as it sunk into him. A deep crimson immediately started to cover both Leo’s plastron and Mikey’s hand.

It was satisfying to shut him up, to dim the look in his eyes, to feel the remaining life pour out under his hand. To watch the blood taint everything. To know it was over for Leo.

Mikey screamed.


	13. Solution

One blink and the red horror was gone.

_Just like your brother, falling for such a simple illusion._

Michelangelo’s heart hammered against his chest. The kunai was still in his hand, not buried in Leonardo’s heart. His brother was looking at him, his chest moved with his shallow breaths.

“L-let him be,” Leonardo rasped weakly, clearly talking to the demon. “Y-you wanted to use us up, and I’m s-still… still here. Let him be.” 

Leo must’ve seen the horror on his face, knowing that the demon was antagonizing him inside his head. There was a new pain on Leo’s face; it hurt him to know that the demon was now possessing one of his brothers, knowing just how the demon was tormenting Mikey. 

The demon used his voice to answer Leo, but Mikey wasn’t listening. His eyes fell down from Leo’s face to stare at his plastron just to make sure that the kunai really wasn’t sticking out of his chest. He still remembered the nightmares, the intense fear, but this was different. This time he didn’t fear for himself. This time he feared that instead of helping Leo he had simply doomed him by letting the demon possess him. The kunai was still in his hand, and the demon was still in control. 

This really put things into perspective. Explained Leo’s behavior from before, his exhaustion and desperation. Mikey had thought he had understood, but he hadn’t, not until now, as he moved his eyes from Leo to the kunai and _felt_ the violent thoughts bubbling up. They pushed the fear away, replaced it with the want to plunge the kunai down. He wanted to make the illusion reality, wanted to see the red flow again. Needed an outlet to this sudden want.

But when he pressed the kunai down against Leo’s chest with enough force to make him feel the sharpness of the weapon, slightly breaking the skin right above his plastron, it felt wrong. This wasn’t what he wanted. What he wanted was-

Slowly, ever so slowly his hand started to turn, the kunai pointing away from Leo. Towards himself. The thing he needed to get rid of was in his head- so if he used the kunai to-

Something grabbed his wrist, and Leo’s cry of pain made him break out of the haze he had fallen into. He had been in the middle of bringing the kunai closer to himself when Leo had grabbed him, but the injury in his hand had made his brother pull back. Leo was gritting his teeth, taking ragged breaths, but already lifting his hand for the second time to grab him again. No doubt trying to stop him from hurting himself, but he was in too much pain to make a proper attempt. It didn’t stop him from trying.

Mikey shook his head and concentrated on the kunai in his hand- he tried to loosen his grip on it to make himself drop the weapon, but the thing in his head made his fingers clench tighter around it. He was locked in place, fighting the command in his head, the ache inside his skull getting worse by the second- 

“Leave… us… alone...” Mikey muttered through gritted teeth. Now he wasn’t just fighting the command to keep his hold on the weapon- he was fighting to force the demon _out._ It couldn’t stay or he’d end up hurting Leo more.

His head felt like it would split- like a bright light was aimed at his eyes, like a siren blasting right next to his ears, like needles in his brain. It felt like something was moving and squirming inside his skull, the feeling gross and awful. Overwhelmed by the pain Mikey fell forward next to Leo, catching himself with his hands. The hilt of the kunai pressed against his palm, reminding him it was still in his grip. He groaned as he tried to endure the pain and fight the demon refusing to leave. 

“Mikey!”

“Michelangelo!”

The relief of hearing both Don’s and Master Splinter’s voices gave him the strength needed to make the final push. Pushing the demon away made the pain spike, making Mikey cry out again, but then the pain just- disappeared. It left behind a dull ache, left his ears ringing and his vision swimming, but the intensity of the pain was gone. He could properly feel his body again- he was in control. Exhaustion hit him full force, made him gasp from the heaviness of it, but he had no time to rest. 

“Don! Sensei!” Mikey yelped, turning to look at his brother and Father who had appeared to the doorway. A new, dreadful thought had appeared- what if he hadn’t managed to force the demon out, what if it had just decided to pick a new victim – either Don or Master Splinter? “The demon- it’s-”

Both Don and Splinter were looking at the scene with wide eyes, clearly trying to figure out what was going on. Don opened his mouth to speak, stepping forward- and Mikey saw the exact moment it happened. Don flinched, his movements freezing- and then he hunched over, grabbing his head with both hands, groaning at the pain Mikey knew had filled him. The demon had him.

Mikey whimpered, no, _no,_ this wasn’t how it was supposed to go. What could he do? _What could he do?_ There was no enough time to get the rope, and he couldn’t move away from Leo, needing to protect him from the demon. So he stayed next to him, watching how Master Splinter kneeled down next to Don, taking a gentle hold of his arm.

“Focus, Donatello,” Master Splinter said, and Mikey could only gawk at him. Surely Splinter had realized what was going on, yet he spoke so calmly, like nothing was wrong. Mikey would never understand how their Father could stay so calm even when… when things were bad. And not just bad, but horrible.

“Sensei, be careful, it’s the demon-!” Mikey warned like his Master hadn’t figured that out. Don was shaking his head from side to side, his whole body tense from the pain. Splinter was calm, but he wasn’t doing anything but holding onto Don’s arm. Mikey wanted to go to him, try to do something to help, not knowing what that something would be, but he hated to just watch as Don struggled. He glanced down at Leo, his heart skipping a beat when he saw his closed eyes and his still form. Mikey’s hand flew to his neck to feel his pulse- relief washing over him when he found it. It was sluggish, but it was there. 

Don’s deep exhale brought his attention back to him. He was no longer moving and twisting against the pain, instead lowered his hands from his face, the motion slow. Don straightened back up, and Mikey froze. Oh no. Instinctively he tried to hide Leo from the demon’s view, having a feeling it wanted to continue where it had left off. Okay. Alright. The demon was now in Don, but Sensei was here, he’d help him protect Leo- 

“It really worked,” Don said, sounding- sounding like himself. No black eyes, no weird voice. Don was looking down at his hands, before slowly looking at Master Splinter, who smiled at him.

“Well done, my son,” Splinter praised him, now letting his hand fall from Donatello’s arm. His attention turned to Leonardo, and their Father was quickly rushing to them, kneeling next to Leonardo and Michelangelo.

“W-what worked?” Michelangelo asked carefully, voice full of suspicion, eyes still glued to Donatello. The demon had clearly tried to possess him, why had Sensei been so calm about the whole thing? It seemed like Don had somehow managed to stop the possession, but how did Sensei know if Don had succeeded, the demon could just be pretending that it hadn’t gained control, tricking them like it always did-

“I’ll explain in a bit,” Don said, coming over to Leo as well, giving Mikey a quick glance. His face turned concerned. “It’s not attacking me again, and it looks like it’s not attacking you nor Sensei-”

“Leo,” Mikey breathed out in fear, his eyes snapping back to Leo’s prone form. If it wasn’t attacking them, it was attacking Leo. “Leo! Don’t let it back in!”

Leo didn’t react to his words- his eyes remained closed, his body unmoving. Splinter was already holding his hand, putting pressure on his bleeding palm. Both brothers stared at his face anxiously, fearing to see the too familiar signs of pain. But nothing changed, Leo remaining motionless.

“Can it just- get in without any struggle if Leo’s unconscious?” Mikey asked, really hoping to hear Don say no.

“I don’t know,” Don said instead, sounding just as distressed as Mikey felt. “But I know it’s bad if it can. Leo’s too weak, he’s lost blood again. I- I need to set up a blood transfusion.”

“What happened here, Michelangelo?”

Mikey turned to look at his Sensei, who was looking at him with sharp eyes. How to explain that he had willingly let the demon possess him?

“You can tell us later,” Don cut in, holding Leo’s other hand, examining the damage. “Let’s get Leo up from the floor first.”

Mikey looked at Don. He still felt hesitant. How could he know that the demon was in Leo, and not in Don, simply pretending to be helping? Don _did_ sound like himself, already taking action, hurrying to help Leo. And the demon had been done with Leo, so why would it bother even pretending about wanting to help him? Just to mess with them more?

“We’re not taking him to the sickbay?” Mikey asked warily, deciding to keep his guard up until he was sure Don was just Don, not carrying any hitch riders in his head. 

“No… no, I can bring my stuff here,” Don said, seeming to be deep in thought. He glanced up at Mikey, a bit sheepish. “Or maybe you could get it? I and Master Splinter know how to fight the demon if it tries something again, so it’s better if we stay with him.”

Mikey blinked at that. Had they really found a way to resist the demon? Wow, that would’ve been useful knowledge just a moment ago. _Really_ useful. Really, really useful.

“Okay, uh- can’t you just tell me how you did it?” Mikey asked. That was _crucial_ info, and they were not going to share it with him?

Don glanced quickly at Leo, then back at him. And Mikey understood. They didn’t know if Leo was unconscious for real, and if the demon was in him _,_ it could just be pretending it wasn’t conscious, listening to their conversation. The less it knew about their methods to fight it, the better.

Once more, Mikey debated with himself. Don- Don seemed so much like himself. But then again, if he was wrong and left Leo with the demon again… But Sensei was here as well, and he didn’t seem to be suspicious of Don at all. Mikey exhaled slowly. Okay, so Don and Splinter weren’t possessed, knew how to resist the demon, and would protect Leo while he was gone. He could trust them.

The three of them lifted Leo from the floor, careful of his injuries. Once he was settled on the bed Mikey turned to leave to get the things Don needed.

“Mikey… uh.” Don sounded uncomfortable, and Mikey really didn’t like that. He was about to say something bad, and didn’t they already have enough bad stuff going on? He looked over his shoulder back at Don, who continued hesitantly. “Get Raph. I think he’s in his room. I told him to rest, but I doubt he did.”

Okay, getting Raph was the opposite of bad. But Mikey knew there was more, so he waited.

“You didn’t untie Leo, right?” Mikey shook his head, and Don nodded solemnly. “I know Leo was properly tied, so that means rope won’t keep the demon still. And I can’t… I can’t sedate Leo, so…” Don kept on hesitating. “Tell Raph to… to bring some chains. We should have some in the garage. I’m not sure if they’ll make any difference, but...”

Mikey stared at him without saying anything, and Don looked away. 

“It can hurt Leo even if he can’t move,” Mikey said numbly. Don’s eyes snapped back to him.

“It- it can?” Mikey hated how small Don’s voice was. It meant Don had no solution to that problem. “Okay. Okay… We’ll tie him, and if the demon tries… to hurt him, I’ll have a sedative ready. I really don’t- I really _can’t_ use one, but… but…”

But to save Leo from more suffering, he would do it, was what Don meant to say. Mikey knew, and agreed. Leo had suffered enough. And the sedative wasn’t a death sentence, even if Leo was weak- but letting the demon hurt him when he couldn’t take anymore was.

Mikey ended up nodding, even though Don was again looking away from him, and ran out of the room. He felt empty. There had just been a demon in his head, and now it was in Leo again. What he had done had helped Leo in no way, it had very much done the opposite.

The demon was slowly killing him again, and he was running to Raph’s door to… to ask for chains. They were going to put their dying brother in chains. 

‘ _It’s temporary. It’s all temporary,_ ’ Mikey tried to reassure himself. ‘ _It’s just to keep the demon in check._ _I’m getting the blood, and Don will take care of him. Leo will get better. And Don and Master know how to fight the demon! It’s fine! It’s going to be fine!_ ’

Raph’s door was closed. Having no time for manners (like he ever did) he pushed the door open without knocking. The lights were off, and he felt the wall for the light switch. 

“Raph!” Mikey called for him, breathless, even though he hadn’t run very far. Their rooms weren’t far from each other. “Raph- the demon- it. Chains. Blood transfusion-”

What? Why was it so difficult to sound coherent? Mikey shook his head as if he could get rid of the headache the demon’s visit had left him with, but the harsh motion only made it worse. “Don needs you to get some chains and- and to take them to Leo’s room.”

Mikey finally found the light switch and pressed on it. Raph was sitting on the edge of his bed, a sai in hand. Don had mentioned something about resting, so Mikey was a bit startled to see him up. Then again, Don had said he’d doubted that Raph was resting. Mikey had a lot on his mind- hadn’t really paid attention to the details of what Don had said. Geez, this headache was awful, making it difficult to focus. 

Raph clearly hadn’t been in a good mood, sitting in the dark with one sai in hand. But who could blame him when things were so messed up?

“What?” Raph asked, standing up, placing the sai on his belt. “Did Leo get out of the ropes?”

“Yeah,” Mikey answered shortly, already turning to leave. There really wasn’t time to explain. “I need to get Don the blood.”

Then he was gone, heading for the sickbay. He knew exactly where every item needed was. He’d been through this too many times. It couldn’t have been more than a few minutes until he returned back to Leo’s room, and by the time he did Don and Splinter had managed to stop the bleeding in Leo’s hands by using the medical kit still in Leo’s room. Don was sitting on the edge of the bed, his fingers gently pressed against the side of Leo’s neck, clearly monitoring his pulse. Don lifted his head once Mikey entered the room.

“Great, put those here.” Don stood up from the bed and motioned to Leo’s nightstand, which they had cleared of any items while Mikey had been gone. While Don started to prepare the needle Mikey returned back to the sickbay to get the pole that would be holding the bag of blood up. It was a bit awkward to carry it up the stairs, but it was absolutely the smallest of his problems.

Before he reached Leo’s room again, he heard the tingle of chains. Raph had found the chains during his second visit to the sickbay.

He peeked in, seeing Don wrapping more bandages over Leo’s hands. There was a torn cloth by his hand as well- Mikey knew the pieces would be used so that the chains wouldn’t press against Leo’s skin. The chains wouldn’t hurt him, but he still couldn’t remove the awful feeling in his stomach.

Don nodded at him gratefully when he noticed the pole Mikey had brought. Don lifted the bag of blood on the pole’s hook, then turned to take the chains from Raph. Mikey noticed how he didn’t look Raph in the eyes either. 

Then Don was focused on… on chaining Leo to the bed. He took a moment to think how to do it, how to make this as comfortable for Leo as possible, while also preventing the demon from prying Leo free or managing to dislodge the needle in his arm. Because if it wanted to hurt Leo, getting rid of the blood bag would most likely be the first thing it’d try.

The arm with the needle ended up getting more chains going over it, just to make sure said arm wouldn’t be moved. Leo’s other hand got chained to the other side of the bed, the outcome looking sturdy, but… more than a little disturbing with Leo so pale, his arms coated in dried blood again, and heavily chained to his bed. 

Suddenly Mikey’s legs felt like lead, and he allowed himself to drop down to sit on the floor. His head still hurt and he felt awful. He buried his face into his hands.

It didn’t take more than a few seconds for him to feel a warm hand on his shoulder.

“My son, it is alright. Things aren’t as hopeless as they seem.”

“I screwed up, Sensei,” Mikey muttered shakily. “I let the demon in. I let it use me to hurt Leo-”

The hand on his shoulder left, and instead he was pulled forward into a small embrace. Mikey returned it carefully, taking comfort in the rare hug his Father had pulled him into. Splinter didn’t hold him for long, but the warmth of the hug seemed to remain on his skin.

“Tell us what happened,” Splinter requested calmly.

“You _let_ it in?” Don asked, still standing next to Leo’s bed. “It didn’t possess you by force?”

“Yeah, I let it in. It was- hurting Leo, and I thought… I thought I could spare Leo from that- I thought I could fight it, that I could remain in control, but… but I just ended up hurting him more!”

Don left Leo’s side to walk over to him, to kneel down and place a hand on the edge of his carapace, slowly petting his shell.

“Mikey, that must’ve been a very scary choice to make. We all know how the demon has affected Leo, so for you to choose to let it in, just to ease Leo’s pain- I think you did a very brave thing.” Don searched Mikey’s face with his eyes, and continued only when Mikey carefully glanced at him. “I’m sure you helped Leo. You know how weak the demon has made him- you probably bought him more time by taking the demon away from him for a time. Besides, if the demon was blackmailing you by hurting Leo- what other choice did you have?”

Mikey opened his mouth, but didn’t really have an answer. They all would do anything to save each other from suffering. And Don was right, there really hadn’t been a good choice in his situation.

“Your brother is right,” Splinter nodded. “You wanted to help Leonardo, and I am sure he knows that. Do not blame yourself for anything, Michelangelo.”

Master Splinter grabbed his walking stick which he had abandoned to hug Mikey, and stood back up with it’s aid. “If anyone should be sorry, it should be me. I sensed the darkness in our home, but failed to notice how severe it truly was. I didn’t act fast enough, letting the situation get out of hand.”

Mikey moved to get back on his feet as well, Don holding his arm to help him up. “It’s not your fault either, Sensei,” Mikey said. “Besides, you know how to fight it now! You gonna keep that skill to yourselves forever, or?”

It felt good to attempt to speak in a lighter tone. Mikey wasn’t sure how well he succeeded, but if the demon was listening, it was better to try to act normal than show how much it had managed to hurt them. Their misery was what it fed on, after all.

“No, it is crucial you and Raphael learn the skill as well,” Splinter said, glancing at Raph, who had been standing by the side, his arms crossed over his chest, his face grim. He then glanced at Leo, then nodded towards the door. The message was clear; they still wouldn’t be discussing this while the demon could hear them.

“I’ll stay to make sure his condition doesn’t change,” Don said, returning back to Leo’s bed. The chair Leo had been tied to before was now next to the bed, and Don sat down on it, checking that the needle was still properly attached to Leo’s arm. He had just set everything up, so the needle didn’t need to be checked. Don’s need to do so anyway told them how worried about Leo’s condition he was.

Both Mikey and Raph were hesitant to leave, but once their Master walked out, they followed. 

Master Splinter took them towards his room, and just as they were nearing it Raph stumbled. Despite the exhausted state Mikey was in, his reflexes still worked and he managed to balance his brother before he fell.

“Raph! You okay?” Mikey asked with concern, holding Raph’s arm to keep him up.

“Fine,” Raph mumbled. 

“Clearly you are not well, my son,” Splinter said, both of his hands resting on the top of his walking stick. “Neither one of you are, but it seems that you need some rest before we practice this skill, Raphael.”

Surprisingly, Raph only nodded. He placed his hand against Mikey’s arm as he balanced himself. Mikey didn’t let go until he was sure Raph could stand on his own- Raph held onto his arm a moment longer, his hold tight until he let go.

Both Mikey and Splinter watched as Raph made his way to the living room, apparently aiming to crash on the couch. Splinter motioned for Mikey to follow him, and the two of them entered the Sensei’s room.

“I’m really worried about Raph, Sensei,” Mikey muttered as soon as the paper doors were slid closed. “I’m worried about _all_ of them. Everyone’s so… so worn out.” 

Splinter sighed deeply, motioning for his son to kneel down amongst the candles already burning on the floor.

“Your elder brothers tend to try to carry the things weighing down on them alone,” Splinter said sadly. “Raphael is dealing with a very deep hurt, one that can’t be fixed before the demon is gone. But your brother is strong- as are all of you.”

Mikey nodded, knowing that, wishing it would give him comfort, but it didn’t do anything to the worry swirling inside of him.

“Let us focus on the lesson.” 

The technique Splinter taught him wasn’t as complicated as Mikey had feared it would be. By repeating a short mantra, they could build a mental shield against the demon. The shield wasn’t a perfect solution, it wouldn’t completely keep the demon out, but it would slow it down, buy them time. 

“These demons are the most dangerous when they’re at their weakest, like when it first possessed Leonardo,” Splinter told him. “Since they do not have any strength yet, their presence doesn’t cause their victims any pain, making their entry almost impossible to notice. If you aren’t aware of an attack, there’s no way to shield yourself from it. The torment and pain starts slowly, and once the victim starts to look for a solution to get rid of their source, it’s often too late, for the demon has already grown strong.”

“But it’s not too late,” Mikey couldn’t help saying. Master Splinter hadn’t said that it was too late for _Leo_ , but the words had still hit too close.

Master Splinter focused on lighting a new candle.

“No, it is not too late,” the old Master said. “But there is more work to be done. We know the way to defend ourselves, but we still do not know how to remove the demon if it has already managed to possess someone.”

Mikey glanced at the books on the floor. There were so many.

“But first you will practice the skill I’ve just explained to you. Take a deep breath and memorize this mantra.”

Practice really was needed. The mantra was in latin- Mikey had thought that was just some movie thing, but he didn’t make any jokes.

Surrounded by the gentle warmth of the candles, Mikey closed his eyes and started to repeat the mantra in his head.

‘ _Adjure te, spiritus nequissime_. _Adjure te, spiritus nequissime_. _Adjure te..._ ’

* * *

“My head feels like mush,” Mikey complained.

After Splinter had made him memorize the words and was sure he was able to shield his mind, Mikey had returned upstairs to see how Don and Leo were doing. Nothing had seemingly changed, Leo was still unconscious, and Don was still sitting next to him. 

“Because of the mantra Sensei made you repeat, or because of the demon?” Don asked, lifting his eyes from the screen of the laptop he was holding over his legs. Apparently he had dared to leave Leo’s side for long enough to go to his lab to get it. There were also melted packs of ice on the table next to them, no doubt used on the bruises Mikey had given Leo when the demon had made him punch him. Mikey tried to ignore the guilt seeing them made him feel. “How _did_ it feel? To have the demon in your head?”

Mikey tore his eyes from the melted ice and met Don’s gaze, a bit surprised by the question. It wasn’t that difficult to answer, though.

“Not good, duh. Most of the time I couldn’t do anything. It was maddening.” Mikey closed his eyes for a moment. “And… it was draining. I mean, I _felt_ powerful. I felt _its_ power. But… I also felt my own exhaustion, kind of like… like I knew it was there, and getting worse, but the demon’s strength made it feel like it was nothing. Once the demon was out, the exhaustion hit me full force. I also got a nasty headache, but it’s getting better.” 

Mikey opened his eyes again, slowly rubbing the side of his head as he stared at Don with a serious expression. “We have to get it out.”

“I know,” Don sighed, sounding frustrated. “I just… I don’t know how to. I know I haven’t checked Master’s books properly yet, but I browsed through some of them and there was nothing about demons that feed on emotions. Demons generally want to cause negative feelings, but there has been no mention of a demon that uses those emotions.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter what kinda demon it is, we just need to find a way to get rid of it. Isn’t there some general method to that? Can’t we just try, I don’t know, banish it? Exorcise it? Splinter already taught us latin to shield ourselves, so maybe we need a different latin phrase to get it out? I mean, I managed to push it out of my head, so it’s possible. We just need to figure out how to get it out _permanently._ ” 

“How _did_ you get it out?” Don asked, making Mikey think back to the moment when he had gained control over the demon. What had he done to get rid of it? What had caused the demon’s hold to slip? His mind returned to all the pain he had felt, to the demon tricking him into thinking he had actually stabbed Leo. Violent thoughts had started to fill his head, he had pressed the kunai down again… but he’d been desperate. Desperate to not hurt Leo anymore. So he’d forced the kunai back up, towards himself.

And Leo had reached out to him. Leo, so weak, so _hurt_ that even simply touching him had caused him agony. The pain of seeing that, realizing that despite the horrid pain Leo was in he was _still_ trying to reach out to him, never giving up on him, telling him he loved him even when in so much pain- it had snapped him out of it. At that moment Don and Splinter had arrived as well, the relief of their arrival helping him push the demon away.

So, words and actions helped. Leo had even said it himself, that it had helped him to hear them tell him things would be okay. Could it really be that simple…? And so _cheesy?_ Was- was _affection,_ in the form of both words and actions, the demon’s weakness? It sounded ridiculous, _too easy,_ but the more Mikey thought about it, the more sense it made.

He glanced at Leo, and decided that it was better to talk about this somewhere else, in case the demon really was listening. He grabbed Don’s arm to pull him up from the chair, gaining a confused look from him. Don caught up quickly though, shutting his laptop and putting it under his arm, and they stepped out of the room. They didn’t go too far, still afraid to leave Leo alone.

“It helped when Leo talked to me, and he said it had helped him before,” Mikey started, almost whispering so that his words wouldn’t carry out into Leo’s room, “and… and it took me so long to get back control, yet Leo kept telling me how he trusted me, that I would beat it. He kept reaching out for me. I think that helped… and you and Sensei arriving was the comfort I needed to push it away.” 

Don tapped his chin, frowning slightly.

“I think I actually read about something like that, but I left the site pretty quickly, not believing it was what we were looking for.” Don still had his laptop, and he held it with one hand and opened it with the other. “What you just said does sound quite...”

“Like it’s straight from some cheesy movie? Evil is defeated with love?”

“Yeah, exactly.” Don was already going through his search history, trying to find the site he had mentioned. “But I guess it’d make sense. If the demon gets stronger the more emotionally hurt its vessel is, then maybe positive feelings make it weaker.”

“If that’s really the case, we’ve got a… really basic plot over here,” Mikey said, rubbing the back of his neck. “But that’s a good thing! Affection is _definitely_ a thing I can do!”

But the fact remained that the effect of Leo’s words had lasted only for so long. And before the vision Leo’s words hadn’t had any effect, the demon had simply plunged the kunai down, he had _felt_ it pierce Leo’s heart, could still feel how warm his blood was-

“Mikey?” Don’s voice snapped him out of the memory, and Mikey lifted his head, seeing Don looking at him with concern. “Mikey, what’s wrong?”

“It only worked for a moment,” Mikey mumbled. “The words. Despite them, the demon took control over me again, it made me…”

Mikey shuddered. Don had seen Leo’s bleeding hands, the new bruises on his face; he knew what the demon had made him do. Didn’t know what it had made him see.

It hadn’t been affection that had made him regain control. It had been the rage he had felt once he had realized how horrible things had really been for Leo. Mikey had never wanted to hurt someone like that- on their missions, they often dealt with some pretty awful humans. Real life villains. But even then Mikey only wanted to stop them, to get justice for the people they had hurt, not… not torture them or murder them in cold blood. Back then, he had wanted to be able to hurt the demon. He had wanted to hurt it _really_ bad. The rage had been so strong it had made him turn the blade towards himself, because he knew he had been to blame as well. For not realizing Leo’s pain sooner, for letting the demon in. For letting it use him.

So was anger the answer? But didn’t the demon just feed on that, on negative emotions? Wasn’t anger and the want to hurt someone just the things it caused? It had made him try to hurt himself, just like it had done with Leo. Had he had any real control after all? Had it all been just what the demon wanted?

But he had managed to get it out. Something had made that happen. But what exactly?

Don’s fingers touched the side of his arm, bringing him back from his thoughts once again.

“Mikey, maybe you should sit down. Having the demon in your head wasn’t easy. We’ve seen how it’s affected Leo, so it’s no surprise you’re feeling so shaken.”

Feeling like that was a good idea, Mikey leaned his shell against the wall behind them and slowly slid down to sit. Don kneeled down next to him to place the laptop on the floor in front of them, but the new position pulled at his wrapped chest, making him wince. Mikey immediately placed a hand on the edge of his shell, concern in his eyes as he looked Don over.

“I’m fine,” Don smiled at him, exhaling slowly, carefully. No new pain came, so he sat down properly and pulled the laptop closer. Taking another deep breath to make sure he could sit in this position, Don placed his fingers over the keyboard. “We know how tough this demon is. You might feel like the control you had over it didn’t last for long, but maybe that’s not because the affectionate words didn’t work- maybe your control lasted for such a short time because the demon is well fed. It has had a lot of time to drain Leo, so maybe the positive emotions helped, but just weren’t enough considering how strong it is now.”

Mikey looked down at his hands, but kept listening as Don continued. 

“The demon didn’t get control overnight- it built its strength for days. So it seems that the words won’t break it’s control completely, but they can weaken it. Just as the demon has built up the negativity, maybe we need to build up the positive.”

“That makes sense,” Mikey said.

“I really think that you’re right, Mikey, that affection might be just the thing we need,” Don said, still sounding thoughtful as he spoke. “We’ve got enough proof to support it. You got your control back when Leo comforted you, and something similar happened when Leo was attacking Raph. I don’t know what exactly caused it, if it was something that Raph said, but I saw the way he looked at Leo. That had to make Leo feel something, just like his words, and him reaching for you, made you feel something.”

Don opened a page that loaded up slowly.

“This is the site! Oh, geez, I remember why I ignored this so quickly. It looks like it’s made by some kid. The layout is terrible, I can’t even make out what the background is supposed to be.” Don typed in something, and Mikey leaned closer so that he could see the screen. Yeah, the background was pixelated, like the image uploaded there had been too small, the outcome a total disaster. Mikey had used Don’s laptop to doodle on the drawing programs enough to know how important right image sizes were. “But let’s give it a shot anyway. Okay, so-”

The faint _cling_ of a chain cut Don off. They froze and listened only for a few seconds before jumping up from the floor and hurrying back into Leo’s room.

Leonardo was still on the bed, just like they had left him. His arm must’ve moved slightly, causing the noise. Donatello placed the laptop down on a nearby chair and sat down on the edge of the bed to check Leonardo’s pulse. It wasn’t as sluggish as before, which was a good sign. But the total stillness, not reacting to their presence in any way, was worrying.

“His pulse is better,” Don said, reaching for the chains going over Leo’s right hand, starting to loosen them. Mikey jumped closer.

“What are you doing?!” Mikey demanded, unsure if he should let Don continue or not. He hadn’t liked the idea of chaining Leo, but for Don to undo the chains so suddenly-

“Mikey, I’m just loosening them a little, making sure the chains aren’t too tight,” Don explained calmly, gently massaging the stiff muscles of Leo’s arm. He knew the chains were fine, they weren’t digging into Leo’s skin or anything, but he didn’t want Leo’s arms to fall asleep. He was already worried enough about the wounds in Leo’s palms, knowing it would take time for them to heal; accidentally cutting off the circulation in his arms was the last thing they needed.

“Oh. Okay.” Not wanting to feel useless, Mikey mimicked what Don was doing, taking his other arm and gently working the muscles there.

After a moment Don spoke again. “Did Raph go back to his room, Mikey?” 

Mikey had been the only one to return to Leo’s room after Splinter had taught the mantra to his brothers. Don knew Raph still felt guilty, so he understood why he wasn’t here, but he was still surprised. He’d thought Raph would at least check in on them occasionally, but perhaps he was finally getting the rest he needed.

“No, I think he went to the couch after he almost fell down when we were going to Splinter’s room. Splinter told him to get some rest, and he didn’t protest.” Don frowned at that, feeling guilty that he hadn’t forced Raph to rest before. “When I was done with Splinter’s lesson, Raph was up again, waiting outside his room. Said he wanted to speak with Sensei, so I guess he’s taking that lesson now.”

Mikey sighed, lowering his voice slightly as he continued. “He seemed so off. He’s really messed up about all of this, Donnie.”

Don nodded, a sad expression on his face. They were all hurt and tired, but Raph had really been pushed to the limit. 

“Hopefully he really talked with Master Splinter,” Don said. Raph had talked to him before, but it had been too brief. Don had just dumped his own worries on him, and the genius sighed as well, wishing he’d done things differently. It wasn’t just Raph he was worried about, he was still concerned about this having affected Splinter. He glanced at Mikey, about to mention his worries about their Sensei… but it felt stupid to worry Mikey even more. 

After making sure Leo was as comfortable as he could be Don put the chains back in place and stood up from the bed. Mikey didn’t even need to ask what he would be doing next; the lab was obviously on Don’s mind. Meaning that he would be staying with Leo again. 

“Raph’s with Master Splinter, so do I… stay here?” Mikey felt slightly disappointed that he couldn’t go with Don, he wanted to know what the site had to offer. But he knew it wouldn’t take Don long to read through it, and then he’d hopefully know more about the demon. Mikey really, really hoped they had the right site. He wasn’t sure if he could take any more disappointments.

Then came the realization that he would be alone with Leo again. Last time had definitely not gone well. But- but this time he was prepared. He remembered the mantra, it was just a few words, and it had worked when Don had used it. He was ready.

“I’ll get my web camera,” Don said suddenly. “We can both go to my lab and still watch Leo. Should’ve thought of this earlier…”

With that Don was already on his way out of the room.

Once alone, Mikey felt his pulse slowly rising. If the demon was awake and simply waiting, it now knew he was alone in here. Leo could jump up from the bed any moment and attack him again- but he had the mantra. Just in case, he started to repeat it in his mind. 

Thankfully Don wasn’t gone for long, returning with another laptop and a webcam. It didn’t take long for him to activate the camera, and the next time Don left the room, Mikey left with him. 

They went to the lab, just because Don had the big screens there and it was easier for him to work on his actual computer instead of the small laptop. All his notes from before were here as well.

First thing Don did was to check that the webcam worked properly. Leo’s room popped up on one of the screens, the image quite blurry thanks to the poor quality of the cheap webcam. But it was enough, all they had to see was if Leo made any movements. It was a bit unnerving, though; the room was dim, most of the details lost to the pixels. No sound or movement was coming from the room, even though the laptop Don had left there had a mic attached to it. 

But everything seemed fine. Leo was still resting. They had talked about the webcam in Leo’s room for a reason; if the demon knew they were keeping an eye on it, it lessened the chances of it doing something. Maybe. It had attacked them so recklessly before, so they couldn’t help wondering why it was taking so long for it to do anything. Whatever the case was, they were still in a hurry, like they had been for a while, so their attention was turned to the screen where Don had the site opened already.

“Alright, trying to ignore the horrible layout and- geez, what’s with this text color, it’s so hard to read against this background and this link is definitely broken-”

“Donnie,” Mikey shook his shoulder impatiently. “Just _read._ ”

“Right. Okay.” Don typed on his keyboard, quickly changing the colors on the screen to make reading easier. “I was looking for the keywords “demon,” “nightmare” and “circle.” This site came up, but as you know, I gave up on it. I recall seeing the word affection here, and that was part of the reason I closed the site. It just seemed… out of place, you know…?”

“Yeah, affection and demons don’t sound like they’re related to each other,” Mikey agreed. “But now that we know what we know, it sounds like we could be on the right track, right?”

“I hope so,” Don said, and they began to read. In the first paragraph the writer gave a small introduction of themselves, but no name or location was given. After that, they jumped right into talking about the demon.

_It was my sister it possessed. It just happened that I had always been interested in the supernatural, so when things got strange, I turned to the books I owned. None of them brought me answers- hints, yes, but no answers. The web didn’t help me either, nothing quite matched with the way my sister was acting, so I turned to people who claimed to know about the supernatural. Despite my interest in such things, I was no expert. Had just always been curious._

_But I had enough knowledge (and common sense) to figure out that the people I was meeting were mostly making things up to get me to pay them for “protection spells” and to “cleanse” our house. But I was desperate, and met up with more people, believing that there had to be someone out there who really knew what they were talking about._

Mikey groaned, leaning back in his chair. “Easy for this dude, they can just _meet_ people, while we had to browse through site after site-”

“It doesn’t sound like it was an easy job,” Don said. “Seems like they were still living in their family house when this happened, so they must’ve been quite young.”

_There were days when I was ready to give up, but my desperation drove me. My sister wasn’t herself anymore, and I was sure some outside force was causing her strange behavior. She was a kind person with an open mind, never would’ve hurt anyone. The change in her came out of nowhere. She became mean. They were little things at first. She stopped listening to our parents, started to make small but nasty comments about others, “accidentally” broke things. When our parents tried to talk to her about it, she always seemed to calm down and say she was just stressed because of school. Our parents bought it; you know, just moody teenager things._

_Her boyfriend at the time left her- claimed that she had threatened to hurt him. None of us believed that, of course. After all, she had always been so kind, she was just at the “moody” part of her life._

Movement in the corner of his eyes made Mikey stop reading. He looked at the screen showing Leo’s room, and squinted at it. Nothing was moving, but he was sure he had seen- wait, was- was the bag of blood moving? It was swinging back and forth ever so slightly-

Mikey grabbed Don’s arm, causing him to flinch from the sudden touch. The youngest blinked, leaning closer to the screen showing Leo’s room… and the bag was still. Nothing moved on the screen.

“Mikey?” Don questioned. “Ow.”

He eased his hold on Don’s arm. “Sorry. I thought…”

No matter how much he stared, everything on the screen was still. When the picture flickered slightly, Mikey jumped back in his chair. Why did the bad quality make the room look so creepy?!

“Mikey?” Don questioned again, looking at the screen Mikey was staring at. “Did something-?”

“No, I guess not,” Mikey mumbled, turning his head away, slightly embarrassed about being spooked so easily. “I just thought something moved.”

Don looked at him with concern, but nodded and turned back to continue the reading.

_She started bringing home dead birds. Other animals, too. Said they were roadkill and wanted to give them a proper burial, and we didn’t think there was anything wrong with that. We were relieved- wanting to put poor animals to proper rest sounded more like her old self than her new mean behavior._

_Then I saw one of the dead animals._

_It was obvious it wasn’t roadkill. It had been tortured, some of it’s limbs cut off. Words had been carved into it’s skin. That was when I knew something was off, when I started to research the supernatural. People didn’t just turn evil like that. I had known my sister my whole life, and she had never acted this way before._

“Wow, that’s awful,” Mikey grimaced. “I’m glad Leo didn’t start bringing dead animals to the lair.”

Not like the things Leo- no, the demon- had planned to do to them were that much better. 

_When the nightmares started, I thought it was because of my own stress. I was starting to fear my sister, and I thought that was why I was seeing nightmares. I later found out that hadn’t quite been the case._

“That sounds familiar,” Don mumbled grimly.

_Back then I thought I was lucky. I had found a person who knew what was wrong with my sister._

_This person told me their friend had started to act like my sister had. Told me he’d been possessed by a demon- a demon that could be summoned with a red circle._

Both Mikey and Don straightened up at that. This was really it. These people had been dealing with the same kind of demon they were now dealing with.

_I actually have a picture of the circle. I tried to make it the background of this site so that people who were in my situation could find this story if they stumbled upon the site. But I’m not good with computers, and the result is… yeah. I need to ask a friend how to make the image clearer._

So _that_ was what the background image was. They could kind of see it now, if they… squinted _really_ hard. Mostly it was just grey pixels with some red thrown in.

_The moment the person mentioned the circle I knew I had the right person. You see- in my nightmares my sister would hurt me, and in those dreams, I would often see a red circle. It was always drawn onto the floor of an abandoned building me and my sister had once explored when we were younger. It wasn’t that far from where we lived. The person told me that the demon prefers a vessel with dark thoughts and emotions, and that made me question him. I couldn’t imagine my sister having any dark thoughts. But the person told me that the people with the darkest thoughts are usually very good at hiding them._

“Well, we know Leo’s had some pretty dark thoughts in the past,” Mikey groaned, rubbing the side of his head. “Of course it picked him. Well, it did say it considered possessing Raph… we’ve got some happy big brothers, huh?”

Don looked away from the screen to glance down at his hands. Before all of this, things had been quite peaceful in their family. But they all carried scars from the past- they had been through so much, of course it was easy for the demon to dig all the bad memories up, all the feelings that they had already made peace with. There were things which bothered Don to this day- obviously the others had such things as well. Leo and Raph seemed to be carrying their weight the most.

_The person said my sister had either summoned the demon herself or stumbled upon a circle made by someone else. I couldn’t believe the first option was a possibility, so my sister had to have happened to pass by at the wrong time. The person knew that to get rid of the demon, the circle must be destroyed. That’s why I saw it in my dreams when I was hurting; to make me stay away from it. The circle meant pain. It was a warning to stay away._

_The demon needed to be near the circle when it was destroyed for it to work. I had to convince my sister to go there with me. The problem was- I was scared of my sister. I usually just avoided her. I didn’t want to get hurt._

_Yet in order to get her to the circle, I had to spend time with her. It would be too suspicious to ask her to hang out with me after weeks of avoiding her. I didn’t want to upset her in any way, fearing she’d hurt me, so I always talked to her nicely. Helped her with chores and school. And whenever I did, I noticed she didn’t bring home dead animals. If I complimented her, reminded her how important she was to me, she wouldn’t yell at us. I wouldn’t have any nightmares._

_For some time, I thought things would be alright if I kept that up. That maybe I wouldn’t even need to risk anything, wouldn’t need to take her to the circle if I kept showing her my affection. But my sister still wasn’t herself. She was losing weight. She had dizzy spells almost daily. I realized the demon was wearing her out- and I knew that as long as the demon was there, she was a prisoner. It didn’t matter if she acted kinder, she was still suffering. I had no choice but to take her to the circle._

_The demon figured out what I was up to pretty quickly. Of course it did, it knew where it’s circle was located._

_What the person that told me about the demon didn’t know was that if the circle was completed instead of destroyed, the demon could draw power from it._

_The demon allowed me to take it to the circle. Once we were there- it used the strength it had drained from my sister to fight me, and it won easily. I hadn’t been prepared for it._

_It then used my sister to complete the circle._

_I still blame myself for trying to find her help. If I hadn’t, I would’ve never taken her to the circle. Yes, I know the demon would’ve kept hurting her had I not done that, but the way she suffered as the demon sacrificed her for the circle-_

_I had been injured by the demon, but I managed to escape. I called the person that had told me about the circle, and he helped me set the building on fire._

_I… I guess the point of this site is to help you. If any of this is familiar to you- even if the nightmares haven’t yet begun, but you’ve noticed someone close to you acting weird in disturbing ways- I hope you pay attention to this. I hope this helps you._

_I don’t know how to save the person possessed, but I know how to end their pain. I know how to end the demon._

_Destroy the circle. I stood there the whole night, watched the whole building burn._

_Destroy it._

That was the end of the site.

Don let go of the computer mouse, leaning back in his chair, staring past the screen. Neither one of them said anything. They now knew how to get rid of the demon, but the person possessed hadn’t made it.

They still didn’t have a way to save Leo.


	14. Too Familiar, too Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I worked on this, I had to go back to the last chapter to see what even happened last time. x)

Donatello stood up from his chair.

“Alright. Alright, all we have to do is to destroy the circle without letting the demon get too near, so that it won’t be able to make the sacrifice and complete the circle.” Don gritted his teeth. This wouldn’t be easy. “Shell. I wish the story had been a bit more detailed. What exactly did the demon do to complete it?” 

Don started pacing, his hands behind his shell, a frown on his face.

“I really thought we would need to, you know, exorcise it or something,” Mikey said, watching as Don walked away before turning back again. “But all we have to do is destroy the circle. That’s good news. Right?”

“Yes… yes, I think so. But we don’t know what happens to the vessel once it’s destroyed, and with Leo this weak already…” Don’s pacing continued. “We could try to get it to possess one of us and then- then destroy the circle. If it affects the vessel, I don’t want the demon to be in Leo. He… he simply won’t be able to take anymore.” 

Mikey fidgeted, not really liking the tone of voice Don was using. He was deep in thought, trying to calculate every possible outcome and trying to pick the best course of action, but his tone told Mikey that he wasn’t finding solutions that were good enough.

“But if it possesses one of us, it’ll be harder to take it there- now would be the perfect moment, when it’s in Leo, and he’s unconscious-”

Don’s pacing stopped in front of Mikey. He grabbed his shoulder tightly, staring right into his eyes. The intensity in them startled Mikey.

“We’ll take Leo there. I’ll- I’ll figure out how to destroy the circle before that, but once we’re there, I’ll let the demon possess me. And then you and Raph will destroy the circle-”

“What? No way, dude!” Mikey frowned at him, upset about the idea. “If we don’t know what destroying the circle does to the “vessel,” we won’t destroy it before we know! We’re not risking you, we’re not risking anyone!”

“Mikey.” Don’s voice was heavy. He glanced at the screen which showed Leo’s room. “Leo’s  _ still  _ unconscious. He didn’t respond to our presence or to our touch in any way. We’re losing him. We’re out of time.”

“Then it should be me,” Mikey said quietly. “I let it hurt Leo before. I-”

“ _ No, _ Mikey. No. It won’t be you.”

“Why?” Mikey demanded. “Why you?”

“I…” Don hesitated, looked away. “I… I found this site before, Mikey. I had it right in front of me. The answer was right there, yet I- I didn’t bother reading it, all because of a messy layout-”

“None of us would’ve read it! It looks like a joke!” Mikey shook Don’s hand from his shoulder. “How are we going to destroy the circle, anyway? It’s in the sewers. Can’t exactly burn it.”

Don frowned again. “It looked like it was made with paint. We could pour something over it, bring some tools to scrape it off… But if the demon is there with us, I doubt we’ll have the time for that.” The pacing started again. “So if we want it removed fast… remember the huge door by the entrance of the tunnel where the circle was? I think we could close the door, and I could redirect the flow of water around there. I could put some paint-removing chemicals on the circle, and then we’d flood the tunnel. Some of the paint of the circle had already been wiped off when we saw it. The chemicals and rushing water should remove it.”

Mikey nodded. “Okay. So we’ll do that. You will flood the tunnel, and if I can’t keep the demon in check, Raph will hold me back-”

“It won’t be you, Mikey, I already told you-”

“But I’ve already had the demon in my head, I can attempt to fight it this time!” Mikey was still upset, but lowered his voice when he continued. “It… it should be me. I hurt Leo and I- I gotta make up for it, Don. I  _ need  _ to.”

“Mikey-”

“You think Raph will let it be you, Don? You need to be the one flooding the tunnel, so Raph’s gonna agree with me.”

“It doesn’t have to be me, all you have to do is turn all the valve’s nearby- and Raph’s  _ not  _ going to agree with you. He’s just going to say it should be him-”

“-And since the demon was going to pick either him or Leo right from the start, it definitely shouldn’t be Raph,” Mikey finished for him. “You  _ know  _ it should be me. I already know what it’s like. I don’t want to see any of you hurt anymore – please let me do this, Donnie.”

Don closed his eyes and sighed. “We’re just wasting time arguing about this. It’s probably not even in our control who the demon is going to try to possess.”

“It… it felt like it needed my permission when it possessed me,” Mikey said. “But it didn’t need a permission when it possessed Leo all that time ago, or when it repossessed him. Did it… did it just pretend it needed it from me?”

Mikey lowered his gaze to his hands as he realized it might’ve been just another way for the demon to trick and hurt them. To make him feel guilty for  _ letting  _ it possess him. He grit his teeth in frustration for falling for it.

Don’s hand fell on his shoulder again, much gentler than the last time. “You know it tries everything just to hurt us. But we’re stopping that now- we need to go.”

Mikey nodded and Don moved to gather the needed materials for fast removal of the paint. He took some of the most effective cleaning materials, as well as the chemicals Mikey used if he needed to remove or fix one of his paintings. Mikey was ordered to grab a few medkits, which told him that Don expected things to get dirty. They probably would, and Mikey packed everything with a heavy heart. 

When everything was stuffed into Don’s duffel bag, Don pushed it into Mikey’s hands.

“Take this to the Sewer Slider. We’ll use it to get there. Take some blankets as well. I’ll go explain things to Raph, and then we’ll get Leo.”

They exited the lab and parted ways. Donatello headed towards Splinter’s room, aiming to check if Raphael was still talking with their Master. 

He was just hurrying past the kitchen when he almost ran right into Raph. Slightly startled, Don took a step back, quickly collecting himself.

“Raph, we have a way to get rid of the demon,” Don blurted out right away. “Get what you need and go to the Sewer Slider, I’ll explain on the way.”

Raph stiffened, surprise clear on his face. He quickly blinked it away.

“What, really? How-”

“I’ll explain on the way!” Don repeated, moving to walk past him. “I’m going to let Sensei know, ask him if he’ll come with us, we might need his help-”

Raph grabbed his arm, stopping him.

“I just talked with him, and he seemed really tired, Donnie.” Raph let go of his arm, and Don turned to look at him. Now that he looked at him properly, he saw just how worn down he looked. “And not just tired, but… I think he really feels guilty over this whole thing, that he didn’t somehow sense the demon before. I told him to get some rest. If you go in there and tell him what’s going on, he’s gonna insist on coming along. Yeah, we might need him, but… I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to bring him along.”

The worry Don had felt for their Sensei was still strong on his mind, and Raph’s words only reminded him of it. They were all exhausted at this point, so having extra help would be good… but if their Sensei was tired and stressed, it could mean that he couldn’t resist the demon’s attempts at possession as well as before. Don was loath to risk their Father’s health. He didn’t want to risk anyone’s health – but each one of them would always put their Sensei’s well-being before theirs.

“You’re right,” Don agreed, nodding solemnly. “He needs rest. I’ll… I’ll just leave a note.”

That wasn’t a good option either, but… probably better than not leaving any info. Hesitantly Don turned away, heading for the kitchen to retrieve a pen and a piece of paper. As he turned, he smelled smoke- apparently Sensei’s rest meant burning incense and meditating. 

The note was written hastily and left on the kitchen table, and then they were headed for Leo’s room.

By the time they got there, Mikey had already taken the bag to the Sewer Slider and was in the room. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, one hand resting on Leo’s arm. His gaze lifted once his brothers entered the room, and he stood up. Knowing that they would leave immediately, Mikey started to work on unlocking Leo’s chains.

The bag of blood had emptied, and Don removed the needle from Leo’s arm carefully. His chest ached when he looked at Leo’s still form. He should’ve woken up already, even for a moment. But Leo had been terribly exhausted, his body was still catching up after everything that it had been through… and was  _ still  _ going through. He wasn’t as pale as before, but Don would’ve liked to give him more blood. But there was no time for that. Getting rid of the demon would be far more helpful for Leo. 

Once the chains were gone, Mikey slid his hands under Leo’s shell, carefully picking him up from the bed. Raph stood by the side, his arms crossed, clearly unhappy that there wasn’t anything for him to do at the moment. But Mikey wasn’t injured like his brothers, so it was best he carried Leo.

They hurried to the Sewer Slider. When Mikey had taken Don’s bag to the vehicle, he had positioned the blankets to make a spot for Leo. The vehicle wasn’t exactly designed to carry someone who wasn’t able to sit, but they managed to find a decent position for Leo. Through it all, the eldest didn’t even stir, not helping with their worry.

At the very least they didn’t need to deal with the demon this way. It was starting to become more and more clear that it was trapped in Leo’s unconscious mind, since there wasn’t any sign of it. 

Donatello started the vehicle. The wheels lifted and folded underneath it as it hovered above the floor, and they left the lair behind. 

The sewer was dark, but the Sewer Slider lit up the way. They were silent, only the motor of the vehicle humming and echoing in the tunnels they were passing by. Michelangelo sat by Leonardo, keeping a light hold over his wrist. It was comforting to feel his pulse under his fingertips, even though it was slightly more sluggish than it should’ve been. At least it was better than before.

He glanced at Raphael. Said turtle was gripping the edge of the vehicle tightly, his whole body tense. There was a faraway look in his eyes. Nobody was saying anything, but Michelangelo could feel how bad both his brothers were feeling. He couldn’t stand the silence.

“It’s… it’s gonna be over soon,” Mikey said carefully. “We’ll finally get rid of it.”

Raph didn’t even look at him, but nodded, still tense. “Yeah. You’re right. It’s going to be over soon.”

Donatello was tightly gripping the controls of the vehicle, barely listening to what his brothers were talking about. Something was wrong. Well,  _ a lot _ of things were wrong, they didn’t even have a proper plan, just the chemicals- but there was something else. Something obvious, something that should’ve been easy to point out.

It was so hard to think. Exhaustion and stress pressed on him like a heavy blanket. He wanted to be at the back of the vehicle, wanted to make sure Leo was still with them, despite knowing that Mikey was there to look after him. Raph seemed too distracted to focus on looking after him, and that was worrisome, but he knew Raph would pull himself together if the demon decided to show up. Right now he couldn’t even glance at his brothers, couldn’t take his eyes off of the narrow tunnels and sharp turns. He had to give all of his focus on just keeping the delicate vehicle going in the right direction. But they needed to form a plan. They needed to tell Raph everything they had read- 

The realization hit him slowly. He slowed the vehicle down so that he could glance back over his shoulder. To his surprise, Mikey was already looking at him, his eyes slightly wide. Once their eyes were connected, Mikey mouthed a word without making a sound.

_ Raph. _

Don nodded, his eyes just as wide. How hadn’t they realized it sooner? There had been so much going on, they had missed all the signs. But now it was obvious- Raph hadn’t used his accent when he spoke, hadn’t asked for the explanation Don had promised him before they had left. Because he didn’t need it. He already knew. The demon controlling him knew.

When had it happened? When had it possessed Raph? Don thought back, his mind taking him to the moment when he had stumbled into Leo’s room, when Mikey had been fighting its control. The demon had attacked him, but he had been able to defend himself from it. It hadn’t possessed Mikey again, hadn’t possessed Splinter either, so the only option had been Leo. But Leo had been still, hadn’t shown any signs of pain- even in his unconscious state, there should’ve been something. But since he had been the only option in the room, they had just assumed it had possessed him, had assumed it was easy for the demon to possess someone unconscious. But it had possessed Raph instead, since his room wasn’t that far away.

Don looked back in front of him, continuing to drive the Sewer Slider. They couldn’t let the demon know they knew. This was just like the time when Leo had ran into the tunnels, when they still didn’t know what exactly was going on. Back then he had known that there was something off about Leo, but he hadn’t been able to say anything out of the fear that Leo would hurt him if he did. It was the same now. He now knew what was wrong, but couldn’t show it.

Don felt cold. He had told Raph that they knew how to get rid of the demon. The demon knew, yet it was letting them take it to the circle. 

_ If the circle was completed instead of destroyed, the demon could draw power from it. _

It was letting them take it there because it wanted to complete the circle. Don cursed the site- why couldn’t the person have given more details? How exactly would the demon complete the circle? What happened once it did? No, it didn’t matter what happened afterwards… for they wouldn’t let it complete the circle in the first place. They couldn’t.

Was this the reason Leo had ran out into the sewers the first time? Yes, he had been confused and had wanted to get away from them to protect them, but it had still been a hasty and illogical decision. Had the demon had a part in it- had it attempted to get to the circle back then? Or had it still been too early for it to try to complete the circle? 

This was bad. Had the demon been in Leo, they would’ve had Raph with them to fight it. It would’ve been three against one. But now that it had Raph, and Leo was out of commission… it was two against one. And their past fights with it told Don that the odds were really against them.

So there couldn’t be a fight. They needed to outsmart the demon. Distract it somehow. But how? It knew what their goal was. It would try to complete the circle. It would do everything to not let them destroy it. 

“Leo?”

Mikey’s voice startled Don; he almost missed the next turn. He slowed down again, stopping the vehicle altogether so that he could properly look over his shoulder.

“Is he awake?” Don asked hurriedly. It was hard to see, but he saw Leo slowly moving his head. Now that the engine was whirring idly, he could even hear the quiet mumble he was making.

“No, but I think he’s coming to,” Mikey said, a hint of relief in his voice. “C’mon, Leo… You can do it…”

“We should keep moving,” Raph said. “The sooner we get there, the sooner Leo’s gonna get better.”

Now that they knew it was the demon, it was obvious how Raph didn’t react to Leo the way he usually would. The care was there, but not quite. But the demon was doing a good job anyway- it had already fooled them until now. If things weren’t the way they were, Don was sure he wouldn’t suspect Raph. The way the demon acted was very Raph-like; acting harsh and focusing on what they were doing. But after being so worried about Leo, they knew that the real Raph would have shown more concern over Leo’s condition. Maybe the demon was distracted by the knowledge that they were getting so close to the circle, its act starting to slip.

Don knew they couldn’t take the demon to the circle while it was possessing Raph. Despite Raph’s injuries it would be way too hard to take him down. Damnit- if Splinter only had managed to teach the defense against the demon to Raph sooner… Now it had been in control when Splinter had taught it to him. The demon had most likely made it so that Raph’s consciousness hadn’t been there to learn it. But now the demon knew exactly how they had been able to fight it. Would that make it more difficult now? 

Thinking of Splinter made more dread rise. The demon had effectively prevented them from taking Splinter with them by saying he was resting. It could’ve been true, he had been tired- but somehow Don doubted it. Splinter knew how serious the situation was, he wouldn’t let his possible guilt get in the way at a moment like this. Yet, like a fool, Don had believed it. What if the demon had hurt him? They should’ve heard the fight if there had been one, right? 

But the demon was stronger now. Would it have been able to take Splinter down without making a big scene? If so, then what chance did they have against it? Had this attempt been doomed right from the start?

Don looked away from his brothers, stared down at the controls he was still holding. Just a moment ago they had felt like they were so close to getting rid of the demon, and now everything was falling apart.

But… Leo had fought the demon. There had been so many times when the demon had threatened them, yet… Leo had pushed it away, had kept it in check, prevented it from hurting them. If… if the demon attacked them, maybe Raph could do the same. When the demon hadn’t been doing anything violent, Leo hadn’t really realized to fight it. It could be the same with Raph. Maybe he couldn’t fight it now when it was acting so passively. Was the answer to make the demon attack them so that Raph could realize to fight back?

But the demon was still stronger now. This was all just hypothetical; if they aggravated the demon and Raph couldn’t take control, then the demon would just take them down and go complete the circle. 

“Don?” Donatello flinched hard when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Raphael held his hand there and spoke. “Hey, what’s wrong? Why aren’t we moving?”

It hurt how much it acted like Raph. Don wanted to simply to turn to him, wrap his arms around his brother and beg him to fight for control, but all he could do was to stare at his hands, trying to figure out what to do-

The hand on his shoulder squeezed him until Raph’s fingers were sinking into his skin. Startled, Don yelped, turning to look at Raph. Raph was looking at him with- with pretty much nothing on his face. No expression, his eyes dull.

“You figured it out already, huh?” Raph asked coldly, his voice deeper than it should’ve been. “I guess I didn’t have enough time to get used to this one.”

Raphael yanked on Donatello’s shoulder hard, dragging him halfway out of his seat. Donatello saw the lifted arm and lifted his own to defend himself from the punch that was coming, but Michelangelo was already there- he grabbed Raphael from behind, trapping his arms by sliding his own under Raphael’s elbows. He was dragged away from Donatello, who got the chance to get his feet back under himself.

Just as he did, he saw Raph throwing himself backwards, crushing Mikey between himself and the seat behind them. That wasn’t enough to make Mikey lose his hold. He held on stubbornly, giving Don the chance to attack by keeping Raph still. In one quick motion Don had his bō in his hands, aiming to strike Raph’s head in a way that would render him unconscious. But the demon saw it coming, and was strong enough to be able to dodge down despite Mikey still clinging onto him. Now that Raph was leaning forward, Mikey placed all of his weight over his shell, attempting to push him down onto the floor of the vehicle.

Raph growled, the demon’s distorted voice pushing through it. With a sudden burst of strength Raph managed to stand back upright, and threw himself sideways against the nearby seat. This time Mikey’s right arm got crushed between Raph and the seat, and with a cry his hold loosened on that side. Mikey’s other arm kept holding onto him, but now that Raph had his other arm free, he managed to grab Mikey and pull him off of him. 

The demon’s attention was on Mikey, and Don swung his bō again. Just before it could hit the back of Raph’s head, the weapon stopped. Nothing was touching it, nothing was holding it- yet it had stopped like it had hit an invisible wall. Don couldn’t move the weapon. 

Raph was still holding onto Mikey, and suddenly he was flung out of the vehicle. Raph hadn’t even used his hands to do it- it was like a hard breeze had just thrown him out. Don could hear the thud as Mikey’s shell hit the nearby wall. There was a cry of pain, then a splash of water when Mikey slid down into one of the puddles down on the sewer floor. Only the front of the Sewer Slider was lit up, so he couldn’t see Mikey, couldn’t tell how badly he was hurt. 

“Mikey!” Don yelled after him, still struggling to move his weapon. Raph’s head turned slowly to look at him. His eyes were black, and Don felt a shiver run through him. He hadn’t been able to touch Raph with his weapon, and Mikey had been thrown like it was nothing. The demon was too strong for them.

“That should’ve sent him flying  _ through  _ the wall,” the demon mumbled, sounding slightly annoyed. “I had to use too much energy to get rid of the damn rat. Lucky for me the blue one fed me so well that I could finally do it.”

Raph glanced at Leo’s still form before his eyes moved to Don. He grinned when he saw the wide look in Don’s eyes.

“Yes, your rat master is gone. The blue one isn’t far from it- and the rest of you will soon follow.” The grin faded again as Raph looked down at his hands. “Still… I used too much energy. But… I’m not going to run out anytime soon. When I possessed this one, he should’ve been aware of it, given how well fed I was at that point. It’s always more painful for the vessel the stronger I am. But I guess he was already in too much pain. I fit in with his thoughts so well, everything here,” the demon tapped the side of Raph’s head, “was so dark already! The self-blame, the insecurity,  _ ah _ . I made the right choice picking on this one while I was still possessing the blue one. This one tries so hard to ignore it, but deep down, he knows how rotten he is.”

Not wanting to believe that it had managed to hurt their Sensei, not wanting to listen to it speak of his brother in that way Don gritted his teeth and willed his bō to move. And maybe the demon was right- it had used too much of its power, for Don could feel his weapon slowly moving. He was breaking the wall the demon had created. 

“You’ve hurt us enough,” Don said, his eyes narrowed as he stared into Raph’s black eyes. “You know we know how to get rid of you, so just give up. You’ve had your fun.”

Raph barked out a laugh. “Take a look around- there’s nobody left but you! You’re  _ alone. _ You think  _ you  _ can do what you couldn’t do even together?”

“ _ Adjure te, spiritus nequissime _ ,” Don said quickly. Raph’s eyes widened, and he took a step back, his shell colliding with the seat next to him. Don hadn’t been sure if that would work- he had been instructed to use the words as a shield, but apparently they could also be used as a weapon. Empowered by the reaction the words had caused, Don repeated them. “ _ Adjure te, spiritus nequissime _ .  _ Adjure te, spiritus- _ ”

“ _ Shut it! _ ” Raph roared, jumping at him. Startled, Don backed away while lifting his bō in front of him as a defense, finally able to move it normally again. But there wasn’t enough room to move, and he collided with the edge of the vehicle, almost falling over it. The hand not holding his bō shot out to the side to hold on, giving Raph the chance to get in close and manage to curl his hands around his throat. With a tight hold on Don, Raph leaned close to his face to hiss at him. “You think you’re so clever, so  _ smart. _ You think you can do anything just because you managed to keep me from possessing you before. Too bad it’s not going to keep me from destroying you now.” 

The hold around his throat tightened. Don let go of his weapon and the vehicle, grabbing Raph’s wrists with both hands, panickedly trying to dislodge then from his throat. The hold was crushing his windpipe. He couldn’t breathe at all.

“Nobody has prevented me from possessing them in decades.  _ Nobody. _ Yet you dared to use those words against me, more than once.” Raph tilted his head as he watched him, but everything was getting blurry, the lack of air making Don’s vision fade. “I… I want you to suffer for that. I want you to suffer the most.”

Slowly the hold eased, letting Don breathe again. Weak and dizzy, Don drew in air, every inhale making his abused throat hurt.

“You’ll be the last one to die. I’ll use you to kill your brothers; you’ll get to watch it all. But first...”

Cruelly, the hand pressed against his throat again. The realization that the demon was no longer in any hurry to get to the circle sunk in; by now it was obvious that Mikey wasn’t coming to his aid, having hit the wall with too much force. There was no one to interfere the torture the demon was going to put him through. Except...

Don searched Raph’s eyes, but saw nothing but black. He opened his mouth, but the moment he did, the demon choked him again. He couldn’t use the latin words and couldn’t try to reach out to Raph.

He understood it now. How the demon had built up its control over Leo so easily. When the dreams started, Leo hadn’t come to them, suffering alone instead. By denying himself comfort and affection, Leo had unknowingly taken away the things he could’ve used to fight against it. And when Don had sent Raph to rest, it had been pretty much the same. Raph had just mulled over things alone, and the demon had been free to drain him. He had handed Raph over to the demon.

But Raph wasn’t alone now. Affection didn’t need to be just words. Don’s hands were still holding Raph’s wrists with bruising force, trying to pry his hold off. Slowly he eased that hold, carefully placing his hands over the marks he had no doubt left on Raph’s skin. It didn’t change the fact that he still had no air; a faint ringing had started in his ears, his vision was fading, his instincts screamed at him to fight or he’d  _ die- _ but instead of fighting he used his thumbs to stroke Raph’s wrists gently, slowly sliding his fingers towards Raph’s.

His thoughts were getting muddy from the lack of air, his hands feeling numb. He didn’t know if his fingers were even moving anymore, only knew that if they weren’t, Raph couldn’t fight the demon.

He almost didn’t realize to breathe even when he could. The pain in his throat made it difficult to inhale, but he managed. Once his vision returned and he could feel his hands again, he realized that Raph’s hands were now curled around his fingers instead of his throat.

And the hold was gentle.

The black eyes were still staring at him, the look in them angry.

“ _ Disgusting _ ,” the demon hissed. But it didn’t move. Maybe it couldn’t move, for Raph’s hands were copying the way Don had stroked him before, his thumb slowly moving against the palm of Don’s hand. Don smiled up at him.

“R-Raph.” Speaking hurt. “Repeat a-after me.  _ Adjure te, spiritus nequissime. _ ”

The black eyes narrowed, the anger turned into rage. 

“ _ A-adjure te, spiritus nequissime _ ,” Raph managed, slowly withdrawing his hands from Don’s. He backed away, giving Don the room to push away from the edge of the vehicle, to sit up properly. Raph was slowly lifting his hands, and Don watched while reaching for the bō he had dropped down on the floor next to him.

“ _ Adjure te, spiritus nequissime _ .” The black in his eyes flickered when Raph repeated the words. His hands were still rising, up towards his face- no, to his throat. They wrapped around it, and started to slowly squeeze.

“No! No, Raph!” It had just been Raph in control of his hands, holding him gently, so why was he now trying to hurt himself- oh. Oh, no. Of course Raph would do this, trying to make it so that he wouldn’t hurt him anymore. “Stop it, Raph! Use the words, they help!”

Forgetting the bō, Don broke the distance between them and grabbed Raph’s wrists again, yanking his hands from his throat. 

“I- I gotta, Don, I can’t f-fight it-”

“Raph, listen to me. The demon had time to drain and weaken you, so it’s difficult for you to control it. But you don’t need to- all you have to do is to try to push it away. I know you can do that. You need to- to let it possess me, and then you need to flood the tunnel with the circle in it. We’re almost there. It’s the tunnel with the heavy metal door.”

Raph was weakly shaking his head. Don frowned- he wouldn’t get Raph to listen. But the demon would.

Don lifted his hands on the sides of Raph’s face, forcing the black eyes to look at him.

“You wanted me to suffer,” Don started, “but Raph’s slipping from your control. You can’t use him to hurt me, so the best way to hurt me is to possess me and make me hurt myself. I won’t try to stop you.”

“Don, no-”

“You’ve fed on him already. With a new vessel, you’ll get stronger again, right?”

“Don-”

Raph couldn’t say anything more; he groaned in pain, his eyes sliding shut. He twisted away from Don’s touch and curled up, shaking his head. Don placed his hands on his shoulders, holding him gently, preventing him from hitting his head against the floor-

The pain was expected, but the last time the demon had tried to possess him he had fought it with the defensive words. Now he wasn’t, and the pain was blinding. 

He drowned in it. It was a branding iron pressed against the insides of his head, imprinting the darkness in him. 

He must’ve momentarily blacked out, since the next thing he knew, he was standing up. He was staring down at- Leo, to his surprise. Leo was awake and had managed to crawl from the blankets to Raph, now kneeling in front of him. Raph was lying on the floor of the vehicle, breathing hard, struggling to move. Leo was barely able to keep himself up, but he was hunched over Raph protectively. Shielding him with his body.

“Huh, the blue one is still alive,” Don heard his voice being used. He tried to move his limbs, but found out quickly that he had no control over himself. 

The bitterness he felt was overwhelming. He had been so sure he could control himself at least a little. But this was a total loss of control.

The same thing had happened to his brothers, they had all lost control. Why had he thought he’d be different from them? Better than them?

The mantra. He still had that.

‘ _ Adjure te, spiritus nequissime- _ ’

_ No, that won’t work anymore,  _ the demon spoke to him inside his own head.  _ The words are useless here, now that I’m in full control. I’m quite surprised by the state of your mind- I thought it would be more  _ organized  _ in here. But everything is a mess! There’s so, so much guilt here. Here, I’m sure these are familiar... _

It felt like the demon was pouring memories and feelings over him. All the times he had failed his family, when he hadn’t been enough. Hadn’t known enough, hadn’t done enough. All the things he hadn’t been able to fix even when he had been supposed to. The future he had failed by simply not being there. How could he not have been there? How could he have left them?

It was numbing, paralyzing. He couldn’t do anything but watch the memories of his own failures. The darkness pooling in the pit of his stomach, in his mind, was absolute.

“Still alive, but just barely,” Donatello said thoughtfully, the black eyes on Leonardo. The kneeling turtle was shaking, close to crashing down, but meeting the demon’s gaze stubbornly. “That’s enough for me. There’s a perfect last use for you.”

The demon moved towards them, and Leo did nothing to move away. Only pressed himself closer to Raph, who was slowly trying to get up from the floor, seemingly still weakened from the parting with the demon. Leo pressed a hand over his chest to keep him down.

Don grabbed Leo’s arm, yanking him up from the floor. Raph immediately forced himself up on his elbows, trying to reach after him, but his body protested every movement.

Leo hissed, trying to fight against Don’s hold, but he was far too weak. Don dragged him to the edge of the vehicle, and without a word, pushed him over it. Leo fell, too weak to even cry out- and connected hard with the floor, gasping as his bruised and battered body took the full impact. The fall wasn’t long, but too much for his weak body, leaving him simply laying there. Don watched his still form for a moment before turning away from the edge, stepping back next to Raph, who readied himself. 

“Ya gonna finish me now, ya piece of shit?” Raph asked, the words full of anger despite his weak voice. “C’mon, I know ya wanna.”

Don was begging him to close his mouth, knowing fully that the demon could hurt his brother badly if he spoke like that. But he knew why Raph was doing it- he was trying to keep the demon’s attention on him instead of his brothers.

The demon crouched down in front of Raph, stared into his eyes. Raph stared back, his heart beating against his chest... but instead of hurting him, the demon simply reached forward and pulled Raph’s sai’s from his belt. Raph growled, tried to grab them back, but Don straightened back up and kicked at his outstretched hand. Raph was too weak to make another attempt, unable to do nothing as Don walked back to the edge of the vehicle and jumped down.

Muddy water splashed on Leo when Don landed next to him. Leo moved onto his side to get away, inhaling sharply as his body tensed from the pain moving caused. Don placed Raph’s sai’s on his own belt and bent down to grab Leo’s arm again, starting to drag him away from the vehicle. 

There was nothing to grab onto, no strength to prevent the demon from dragging him. The lights from the Sewer Slider faded as he was taken away, only the echo of Raph’s voice threatening the demon and calling their names followed after them. 

* * *

When Don jumped from the Sewer Slider, Raph commanded his body to move. He dragged himself to the edge of the vehicle and pulled himself up against it to see. Don had a hold on Leo already and was starting to drag him away from the vehicle, the eldest not doing much to get free. He probably couldn’t, not in the state he was in.

“Leo! Don!” Raph yelled after them, tried to get a reaction out of Leo- but neither he nor Don answered the yell in any way. “ _ Fuck! _ Come back here, ya-”

His voice cut off, and he leaned forward to cough. He grabbed the edge of the vehicle and stood up, but immediately his vision swam, forcing him back down onto his knees. Leaning against the seat behind him, Raph cursed. Cursed everything, starting with himself.

He didn’t even know how it had happened. He just remembered being so full of hurt and anger after leaving Leo’s room, just sitting still in the dark. His exhaustion had made him feel heavy, dragging him towards unconsciousness, but the pain in his chest had kept him going through everything that had happened. The pain had spread from there, moving into his head, jumbling his already messed up thoughts.

It had all turned so dark, so vile. He had never quite loathed himself as much as he had while sitting there. He should’ve realized that it had been the demon’s presence, but it had been difficult to separate it from the pain that had already been in. When the feeling had intensified, when he had felt like bursting, he had felt deserving of it. 

If he hadn’t been able to distinguish the demon’s presence from his own thoughts, didn’t that say a lot about him? It told how foul he really was, with a demon in his head or not. It told how weak and pathetic he was, for he had let this thing spread it’s darkness in him, and he had done nothing but taken it until he’d lost all control of himself. Everything after that was a blur. Someone had opened the door to his room and told him to get the chains. He remembered picking them up, holding the cold metal in his hands, remembered the candles in Splinter’s room-

Pain pierced his head. Something bad had happened there. Had he hurt Splinter? 

With a groan Raph lifted his hand to hold the side of his head. He had. He had done everything Leo had feared he would do. All this time, Leo had held himself back from truly injuring them. And when the demon had possessed him, how long had it taken him to hurt his family and destroy everything? 

Ugly emotions swirled inside him again, but he had to swallow them down. He had messed up, done things he wasn’t sure could be fixed, but before the demon finished him for good, he wouldn’t stay down. 

With a low groan, Raph pushed himself up once more. He grabbed the railing of the Sewer Slider again and jumped over the edge. Water splashed over his ankles when his feet connected with the wet floor, and he came close to losing his balance, feeling so damn weak. The ache in his head was slowly fading, at least. 

Taking a deep breath he looked around. Where was Mikey? He couldn’t remember-

A muted splash of water sounded over the quiet hum of the Sewer Slider’s engine, coming from the other side of the vehicle. Quickly Raph ran around it, his legs still shaking, but he managed. His heart jumped up into his throat when he saw Mikey. He was lying on his side on the floor, only his hand slightly moving.

“Mikey!” Raph hurried over to him, kneeling down next to him. In the dim light he saw blood on the back of Mikey’s head. The memory of pushing Mikey from the vehicle hit him like a ton of bricks- he had to close his eyes momentarily as a new wave of pain washed over him, but quickly forced his eyes back open. Gently he lifted Mikey up into his lap, careful of his head. There was a clear bump on the back of his skull, but not as much blood as Raph had feared there would be. The skin wasn’t cut, just badly scratched.

“Mikey, can ya hear me? C’mon, Mike. Wake up.”

A small groan left Mikey’s mouth, and then his eyes were fluttering open. Raph let out a relieved breath. He knew he was partly to be blamed for this, and didn’t know what he’d do if Mikey was hurt badly, he’d- no, he couldn’t let his thoughts turn dark again. Focus, just focus.

“Hey, buddy,” Raph greeted with a small voice once Mikey’s eyes were starting to focus on him. “Take it easy. Ya hit yer head.”

Mikey yelped, his eyes suddenly fully open, sitting up straight and pushing away from him. He winced from the sudden movement, but stared at Raph with wide, scared eyes.

Raph was frozen only for a moment before he understood. Of course Mikey was scared, he was the reason he had gotten hurt. Raph scooted back as well, that awful, choking feeling climbing up his throat again. He had caused so much damage; he didn’t even know  _ just  _ how much. He didn’t know if Sensei was alright. How could he have let the demon in? Why the fuck was he so stupid, never able to keep his emotions in check? Always so angry or hurt or guilty, always letting someone use his emotions against him-

Without him noticing, Mikey had crawled back to him and grabbed his hand.

“It’s- it’s not in you anymore, is it?” Mikey asked carefully, yet he still looked like he was ready to let go of Raph’s hand and bolt at any moment. “Please say it’s just you.”

“It’s just me,” Raph mumbled quietly. “Not like I could prove it ta ya, but it’s gone.”

“You don’t need to,” Mikey said sadly, holding his hand more firmly now. “The demon never made such guilty faces. You better cut that off.”

“I wasn’t-”

“It’s written all over your face, Raph- “oh no, I hurt him.” Well, here’s a newsflash; it wasn’t you, Raph! It was the demon!” 

Mikey winced after raising his voice, and lifted his hand to touch the back of his head. Raph grabbed his wrist to stop him.

“I already told ya, ya hit yer head. Don’t touch it, it’ll make it worse,” Raph scolded in turn.

“Ugh, okay, I won’t. But if the demon isn’t in you...” Mikey glanced around. “Where is it? What happened- where’s Don?”

“It... it… possessed him,” Raph said with some difficulty. The guilt made his tongue numb. “It took Leo.”

Mikey took a moment, letting the words sink in. Once they registered, familiar dread started to grow in his chest. Mikey grabbed the wall behind him, his other hand still holding onto Raph, and started to push himself up.

“Mikey, no, yer hurt- I’m goin’ after them. Yer staying here.” Raph grabbed Mikey’s shoulder to push him back down, but Mikey grabbed his wrist and held onto it tightly. 

“We’re going together,” Mikey said firmly, the look in his eyes serious. “And we’re finally getting rid of this thing.”

Raph stared at him, but knew it would be useless to argue. He helped Mikey up on his feet. Raph was finally getting rid of his own dizziness, finding that his legs were no longer shaking, so he was able to take Mikey’s weight as the youngest tested his own legs. He probably had a concussion, but at least he had spoken clearly and didn’t seem too dizzy or confused, so it wasn’t the nasty kind. Even so, hits to the head were always to be taken seriously, but there wasn’t much Raph could do about it at the moment. He simply stood close in case Mikey needed to lean on him, but he seemed to be able to stand on his own just fine.

“Did… did you and Don have some kinda plan?” Raph asked, watching as Mikey stepped away from him and climbed back into the Sewer Slider. “Don said that the tunnel needs to be flooded.”

“We need to get this paint-removal cocktail Don made onto the circle,” Mikey said while putting the strap of Don’s duffel bag over his shoulder. “It’s here in the bag. Once it’s on the circle, yeah, we need to flood the tunnel. With chemicals like this, the paint should be removed once water is added. It was already fading when me and Don saw it.”

Raph jumped into the Sewer Slider as well.

“If the demon decided ta walk the rest of the way, we must be close,” Raph said.

“Yeah, it’s not far.”

“Ya got any flashlights in there?”

Mikey dug into the duffel bag, fishing out two flashlights, handing the other to Raph. Raph took it, and then shut off the still idly running engine of the Sewer Slider.

Darkness fell into the tunnel, but they put on their flashlights immediately, not wanting to remain in the dark any longer than needed. Now that the engine wasn’t idly running, the tunnel was completely silent. Like the last time they were this close to the tunnel, there was absolutely no sound. No water droplets, no rats running around. It wasn’t natural for it to be this quiet.

This time they knew why there was nothing to be heard, why they felt such a pressure over their heads.

They jumped down from the vehicle, Raph leading them to the direction where Don had gone. He was painfully aware how much time had already passed since he had seen his brothers- it wasn’t more than ten minutes, but right now, every minute was crucial.

The demon had spoken of a last use for Leo, and whatever the demon was going to do, their brother was in no condition to fight back.


	15. Far from The Light

It had been a struggle to wake up, his whole being resisting the idea. Maybe it had already known nothing good was waiting for him in the waking world, maybe that had been why opening his eyes had been such a difficult task. He had a feeling he had been unconscious for a long time, knowing he had been awake here and there, but had never really registered what had been going on around him.

One moment he had been in bed. Someone had sat there with him, he had felt their hand resting on his arm. He had felt safe for once, hadn’t even cared that he had been chained to the bed. He’d been too exhausted to pay attention to anything than the warm touch against his arm.

He’d felt slightly disappointed when he had felt the damp air of the sewer. The warmth had lingered in his mind, which was stupid, for this was where he always found himself. This was where he would always end up, where he would return to make his family suffer.

It hadn’t immediately registered just how weak he was. The first thing he had seen was Raphael prone near him, making him think he’d hurt him again. So he had tried to get up, to get away from him so that he couldn’t hurt him like he did every time they were in these tunnels. That had been when he had realized the completely worn state his body was in. He wasn’t weak when they were here, he was the one hunting his family, outlasting them every time. Newer tiring when the chase was on. But now he could barely move; there was no way he had been the one who had hurt Raphael.

Confused, Leonardo’s eyes had landed on Donatello, and he had just _known._ The black eyes hadn’t quite formed yet, but Donatello had been writhing, in pain, struggling against something. He had been freed of the demon, only for it to have a new victim, trying to get control over Donatello.

Leonardo had been under the demon’s influence for so long that he didn’t really _feel_ free, for every time he was, one of his brothers took his place. His freedom meant that someone else would always suffer in his place. He was free, and was using his freedom wishing he wasn’t.

Why had it left him? When he thought back to it possessing Michelangelo, all he could remember from there was the pain. Always the pain. There was no reason, no meaning. All of it had been about nothing but causing pain. Was it finally done with him? If Don lost his fight against it, would the demon’s next target be Raph? He was struggling to get up from the floor, he had already been hurt, he couldn’t defend himself. Leo couldn’t defend him either- couldn’t even push himself up from where he was lying. He couldn’t feel his hands.

He had rolled onto his side, falling onto the floor from the seat he had been lying on. From there he had managed to push himself up on his elbows, then on his knees. He had been able to crawl over to Raph. His eyes had met with Raph’s, and he had seen the confusion and hurt there. Whatever had happened to Raph, he had still been recovering from it. There hadn’t been anything Leo could do for him. All he had been able to do was to kneel there next to him, hoping to shield him from the demon, hoping it would be still interested in hurting him rather than Raph.

And it had. It had yanked him from Raph, thrown him to the sewer floor and followed shortly afterwards. It was now dragging him by the arm, Don’s fingers digging into his skin, his shell scraping against the dirty floor as it took him through the darkness.

Once the lights of the Sewer Slider had disappeared, Leo hadn’t been able to see anything. They were coated in absolute darkness, yet Don’s steps didn’t falter even a bit. It was difficult to think, difficult to concentrate. In the dark, he didn’t know if he even had his eyes open. Only the pain he was in told him he was still conscious, still being dragged forward. 

Despite being glad the demon had focused on him, he didn’t want to go down without a fight. He had already almost given up, had almost allowed the demon to make him take his own life- if he didn’t fight this, he was doing the same thing. He didn’t know what the demon was going to do, but it had said it had one last purpose for him. If he didn’t fight, it’d kill him.

But… he was so tired. He remembered all the times he had bled and fought to stay conscious – how was he even alive at this point?

By fighting. 

By being stubborn and clinging to life. 

But hadn’t he fought enough already? He felt so heavy. He was a dead weight as Don dragged him deeper into the tunnels. He didn’t know how far Don had already taken him, he didn’t know where they were going. He didn’t even know where Mikey was, having only seen Raph before Don had thrown him off of the vehicle. Was he okay?

There had been a steady scraping sound, occasionally replaced with quiet splashes of water, as he had been dragged forward. Now the feeling under his shell changed into something a bit softer, something wetter. The air carried over a slightly rotten smell. 

The hold on his arm left suddenly, and his hand dropped down next to him. His hands were so heavily bandaged that he felt like he should’ve felt pain when his hands were simply touched, yet he felt only a faint ache even as his hand collided with the floor of the tunnel. He realized he felt cold; he had, after all, been dragged through chilly puddles and wet mud. Maybe his hands were just cold, and that was why it was so hard to feel them. It was difficult to map his injuries when he hurt all over.

“Here we are,” Don said from next to him. The sound was so close that he had to be crouching down next to him. There was a long pause before he spoke again. “No wonder I woke up so weak. My circle has been created with _paint._ Hmph. I can feel that they used a bit of blood, but just a bit. Probably just cut their finger or something. We need much more.”

It didn’t surprise him that the demon could see in the dark. It had, after all, just taken him through the tunnels without any source of light.

He should’ve probably focused more on the meaning behind it’s words than the fact that it could see in the dark. But what did it matter, at this point? He was too weak to move even an inch. He could try to talk to Don, like he had done with Mikey. Try to help him regain control. So he tried, but his lips barely moved- it felt like his mouth was full of sand, and no sound came out. 

Leo felt the cold press of a blade against his cheek. It trailed along his skin down to his throat, and pressed against the center of it. Leo’s breath hitched at that- why did it hitch? After everything, why did it hitch from something as simple as that? He was done for; what did he have to lose anymore?

His life. His brothers.

Yet, there wasn’t much he could do. If the demon wanted to slit his throat open, he couldn’t stop it. 

The blade circled his throat before it was lifted. So the demon _still_ wasn’t done with him. It wanted to prolong his end. His thoughts were getting muddy again. Should he feel relieved or disappointed? He was so tired...

“Let’s do this the traditional way,” it spoke calmly with Don’s voice. Leo’s arm was kicked so that it was now on level with his head. There were wet footsteps, walking to his other side, kicking his other arm as well so that he was spread eagle on the floor. “My circle needs to be completed with blood. The bloodletter needs to bleed dry, sacrificing themself.” 

His hands were numb from the wrist down, but he felt Donatello grip his arm. The socket of his shoulder was still throbbing faintly from when Donatello had pulled at his arm to drag him here. He felt the hold tighten, and definitely felt it when the sharp weapon cut his wrist open.

The shock that followed was muted, like his body was too tired to react anymore. Blood gushed from the wound freely. He felt so cold, but the liquid pouring out of him was hot, warming his skin. 

“I’m surprised, but actually glad you survived this far. You’re the perfect bloodletter, the perfect sacrifice. I should’ve thought to use you for this sooner. The more emotional turmoil the sacrifice is in when it dies, the more powerful the ritual.” 

The demon stood up and walked over to his other side, crouching back down.

“I know you’re tired. I know you feel numb. You just want it over at this point. But… I was in that head of yours for long enough to know that you’re stubborn to the point of being annoying. For so long, you’ve fought. Fought so hard, thinking there’s hope for you- but it’s time to realize that there’s none. It’s time to admit it’s over. Time to let the despair in.”

Dully Leo felt the blade pressing against his other wrist. Despite the numb haze he had fallen into, the demon was right. Despair crept in. He had tainted himself and now his brother by feeding the demon, unaware of its presence for so long. He would bleed out in the tunnel that had haunted him all this time, and he’d leave his brothers behind to either succumb to the demon as well or live with the aftermath. He would die in the dark, his brother right next to him, but not really- 

“ _Come on, ya fuckin’ demon! We know yer in there, and I ain’t finished with ya yet!_ ”

Raph. Raph was nearby, and he had said “we.” Was Mikey with him? Yes, he could hear Mikey’s shouts as well. They were both okay and their voices were getting closer. Which- which was bad, they should stay away from the demon… yet Leo felt relief anyway.

Blood was still flowing down his wrist. Even if it was too late for him, Mikey and Raph being here meant hope for Don.

The blade lifted before it had broken the skin on his other arm, and Leo could feel Don’s attention turn towards the entrance of the tunnel, where faint lights were already visible.

“Guess I get to have my chase after all,” the demon said, sounding all too pleased as it started to move towards the lights and the echoing shouts. Before it went, it paused for another moment. “Don’t slip away just yet. I want you to be here when I make all the visions I gave you in your dreams a reality.” 

The blade cutting his wrist open hadn’t been enough to gauge a reaction, but the words cut him deep into his soul. Everything had gone just like the demon had wanted; they were here in the tunnels, and it’d get the chase it wanted. The setting was different, he wouldn’t be the one hurting his brothers, but the outcome would be the same. The demon was too powerful, and he wouldn't be able to do anything but watch as this demon tortured his brothers. 

His mouth opened to shout a warning to his brothers- but nothing came out. He struggled to get up from the cold floor, to go after the demon, to stop it- but his body didn’t respond the way he needed it to. It was shutting down. He was left behind, useless as he bled and neared his end.

* * *

On the way to the tunnel, Michelangelo had been able to tell Raphael everything he and Donatello had found out about the demon. The story on the website, the affection part, the phrase which Raphael had already heard Donatello use.

They still had only a half of a plan; get the chemicals on the circle, flood the tunnel. How they would keep the demon from stopping them was… still unclear, but they were out of time. They had to go in there, and they _had_ to succeed. They didn’t have any other way to stop the demon, and if they failed now, that was it. The demon would win.

And Raphael wasn’t aiming to let it win. He had sworn to make the demon pay, and so he would.

That feeling was only strengthened when they finally got to the entrance of the tunnel. When they shone their lights in there, Donatello was standing there like he had been waiting for them, both of Raphael’s sai in his hands, the other one coated with blood. Red droplets were still dripping from the blade down into the muck.

“You actually followed us here,” Donatello said, his distorted voice sounding pleased. “Things are a little different; no swords chasing you this time. But your goal is the same…”

Donatello started to walk towards them, his black eyes locked on them, the look in them predatory. 

“...Run.”

“Not this time,” Michelangelo said, fighting to keep his voice steady, standing his ground even as the demon neared. “We’re doing what we should’ve done right when all this began. We’re not running.” 

“This shit ends here,” Raphael snarled, not really thinking as he attacked. It wasn’t just anger that was driving him, but the desperate knowledge that Leonardo was somewhere in this tunnel, hurt even more than before, judging by the bloody weapon the demon was holding.

Donatello had both his sai, while Raphael had nothing. He knew Donatello was more used to long reach weapons, having always been kinda clumsy with the sai, but that didn’t comfort him at all. Not when the demon was looking at him so calmly, easily spinning the bloodied sai in his hand.

The demon dodged his first punch easily, and slashed at him with his own weapon. It left a shallow cut on his arm, and it was just a minor injury, but his whole body ached already. He just wasn’t well enough for something like this. He was hurt and exhausted, while the demon seemed to be thriving. But there was no such option as retreat- he had to fight, had to keep its attention on him. He had to buy Mikey time to get the chemicals in place.

“Leo!”

Mikey’s shout distracted him, and he dodged the demon’s next attack only because he slipped on the wet leaves. But his slip allowed him to roll away from Don and shine his light towards Mikey- he had heard the scared tone in his voice, and needed to see what was going on.

And he saw. He saw Leo. The view was like something straight from a horror movie- Leo had been placed in the middle of the red circle, his arms outstretched onto his sides. A pool of fresh blood was forming under his right arm, the blood flowing slowly on the ground to fill the circle around him like some kind of an outside force was guiding it. He was losing too much blood, too fast.

Raph pushed himself up from the floor, still needing to keep the demon interested in him. They’d lose Leo otherwise. _Hell,_ they’d all be lost.

But maybe it wasn’t the demon’s attention he needed. It was Don’s.

“Donnie, ya gotta stop this- ya gotta let me get ta Leo, he’s bleedin’ _a lot._ ” Don jumped forward and swiped at him again, making Raph grunt as he dodged. “He’s hurt really bad- really _fucking_ bad! He’ll bleed out, Don, he’ll _die!_ Snap outta it!”

There was no recognition in Don’s eyes. Raph dodged another attack. His feet slid on the leaves again, but this time they weren’t in his favor, almost making him stumble right onto the path of Don’s next attack.

“Fuck it, then,” Raph growled. “ _Adjure te, spiritus nequissime._ ”

The surprise in the black eyes was priceless. Don’s movements halted.

“What, thought we had given up on using that?” Raph spat. “Think again. _Adjure te, spiritus nequissime._ ”

Now Donatello growled, shook his head- and dashed at Raphael so fast he didn’t have time to react. They collided, the force of it sending Raphael stumbling backwards. He didn’t fall to the floor, the wall near enough to make his shell hit it. He stayed on his feet, but was now pressed against the wall with the demon right before him.

“ _Adjure te, spiritus nequissime_ ,” Mikey said sharply from the side. Don’s eyes flew to him, now seeing what he had been doing while the demon had focused on fighting Raph. He was kneeling next to Leo, having hastily wrapped his bleeding wrist, and now held the container with the chemicals in his hands. The black eyes widened in recognition; it was inside Don’s head, and the chemicals had been his idea. It knew what Mikey was about to do with the container.

“ _Don’t,_ ” it hissed, just when Mikey tipped the canister and allowed the chemical to hit the mixture of blood and paint which formed the circle.

Donatello screamed in pain, startling both Michelangelo and Raphael. Before they could do anything an invisible force slammed into them- Raphael was thrown towards his brothers, landing on his shell on the floor. Michelangelo fell on his back as well, losing his grip on the container. It fell sideways on the floor, its contents starting to spill on the floor, wasted.

“I am _done_ with you,” the demon hissed once it recovered. It was livid, Don’s face twisted in unnatural rage. “Some of my kind has been taken down, but not _me._ No human or anything mortal has ever caused me this much trouble. You were extraordinary, you fed me well- but I don’t care about that anymore. You annoy me too much. You end _here._ ”

“ _Adjure te, spiritus nequissime_.” Raph was still on the floor, trying to catch his breath, but managed to hiss the words. Don shut his eyes and clenched his teeth, the words hurting him- with an outraged roar, the demon lifted Don’s hands up, pointing them towards the turtles, and without even touching them both Raph and Mikey were lifted up from the floor. Something pressed against their throats, choking them. Their eyes were wide from both getting their air cut off and the immense power the demon had. How could they fight when the demon didn’t even need to touch them? 

“I can’t even remember when I had to stoop so low as to _choke_ someone,” the demon growled at them. “But with you, it feels appropriate. You just can’t keep your mouths shut. It’s like you annoy me on _purpose._ You’re begging me to hurt you.”

The hold around their throats tightened. They struggled, but fighting the invisible power was useless. There was nothing but pure rage on Donatello’s face.

“Maybe you just don’t know how to live if it doesn’t hurt. All your life, someone has been after you. One wrong move, and you’ll get hurt. You’re addicted to it. Don’t know how to live without it, you _need_ someone to keep hurting y-”

“ _Adjure te, spiritus nequissime_ ,” Leo breathed out tiredly. The demon shut up immediately, it’s black eyes flying to Leo. 

“ _A… adjure te, s-spiritus nequissime_ ,” Leo repeated, the words slurred, but still effective. Don groaned, the pressure around their throats weakening, but not disappearing. But it was enough to allow them to draw in at least some air, coughing and spluttering as the demon held them up in the air. 

“You’d better shut up or I’ll snap their necks,” Don warned through gritted teeth. The demon waited, then grinned when Leo remained silent.

“Such idiocy,” Don muttered as it choked the turtles again. They kicked out, clawed at their throats, but their struggles were quickly fading. The demon grinned at them, Don’s face dark in the limited light. “Thinking I could be stopped with words. Thinking I could be defeate-”

Donatello brought his hands up to his head, screaming in pain again. Both Raphael and Michelangelo were dropped to the floor, and once again they were coughing, trying to get air back into their lungs.

Fighting the pain, the demon made Donatello look towards the circle to see that Leonardo had been able to shift enough to move the fallen canister with his foot; he had managed to spill more of the contents on the outline of the circle. But the container was almost empty, and the turtle lying there was in no condition to move to pour out the rest. He had slumped back down on the floor, no longer trying to move.

“You keep being a pest.” The demon was seething again as it started to walk towards the circle, one hand still holding the side of Don’s head. The room wasn’t cold anymore- it was hot, like they could feel it’s rage. It’s attention was fully on Leo now, making Don grab one of the sai from the floor, gripping it tightly. Don staggered as he walked, but managed to crouch down next to Leo again. “Let’s finish the circle already.”

“No!” 

Both Raph and Mikey were still struggling to get rid of the stars in their vision, still trying to properly catch their breath. They moved, but they were too sluggish, knowing they wouldn’t be fast enough.

The demon grabbed Leo’s uncut arm again, and the blade was positioned over his wrist, right where it had been before Raph’s and Mikey’s arrival had distracted it. The edge pressed into his skin and barely moved; apparently this time the demon wanted to cut his wrist slowly instead of just slashing it open. Final torment.

Leo found himself sinking back into the numb state he had been in before. Why give the demon the grief it wanted? Why despair when he already felt so cold and distant to everything? This wasn’t in his control anymore. Had never been. He could no longer feel the wet sewer, could no longer hear the demon. It was all so far from him now. Finally, it was over.

For him… but not for his brothers.

They would keep suffering. He knew how much Don had to be suffering right now, for he had been through that so many times already. Watching himself hurt his brothers, unable to stop it.

He thought he could still hear Raph and Mikey, shouting for him, yelling for Don to stop- the hurt in their voices tore at him. Maybe he was still present enough to really hear them, maybe he was just delirious from the blood loss and simply imagined it. It didn’t matter, for his body no longer worked. Unable to move or talk, there was nothing left than to let go.

_Leonardo._

It was a voice inside his head, but it wasn’t the demon. No, it was familiar, warm, immediately lifting him up from the numb state he had fallen into. It pulled him up from the cold floor, enveloping him in warmth. Leonardo sank into it, all his pains and aches fading, fading-

_Leonardo, my son, please. Do not get careless- do not walk too far from your body._

Careless? Walk too far-? The warmth pushed against him in turn, stopping him from pushing into it. Leo recognised it as Sensei’s spiritual energy- had he entered the Astral Plane? He had never done that unless he had been deep in meditation. Was he dead? No, if he was and was unable to return to his body, there was no point to tell him to not walk too far from it.

_The demon is stopping me from reaching Donatello. He thinks he has hurt you beyond words, Leonardo. I need your help to reach him. I need you to help your brother find himself before all our fears become real._

_How, Master?_ Leonardo asked desperately. _I… I can’t do anything, I can’t lift my hands or even talk- I feel so weak in my body, I don’t even… I don’t even know if I’m going to make it, Sensei._

He had never feared death, knowing it was coming eventually. During these past hours it had constantly loomed over him, so much that it had become a comfort, an escape from all the pain. But now that he said it to his Sensei, admitted how near to letting go he was- he felt scared. Scared to leave his brothers behind. The mere thought hurt. Telling his Sensei he might not make it hurt.

This time the warmth came closer, still not pulling him too close, but it was comforting, comforting to let the warmth hold him and take his worries and fears away. For a moment he simply was, for a moment he was simply being held.

Then the warmth moved again, moving Leo with it. And they moved away from the light and warmth, back to where it was cold and dark. Leo found himself dreading it, unwilling to return to the pain-

Yet he could do nothing as it washed over him again. But this pain was different, familiar, but different from his aching hands and weak body. He recognized Donatello’s agony, and his own fear was forgotten. He didn’t hesitate to go towards his brother, but as soon as he did, he felt the darkness that had haunted him for so long. His spirit wavered, it didn’t want to go near it. There was so little left of him- if he went there, the darkness would take him.

But Donatello’s energy wasn’t burning as brightly as it should’ve, shadowed by the evil around him. His energy, his life force, was being consumed by it. So much of Leonardo had been stripped away, his Spirit left weak, but the instinct to get between his brother and whatever was hurting him still burned bright in him. Leonardo threw himself into the dark, reaching for Donatello’s spiritual energy.

Still feeling the warmth lingering from Splinter, Leonardo did what his Sensei had done to him- pulled Donatello in, enveloping him with his warmth. There wasn’t much left of his, but he had the warmth he had borrowed from their Father, and held him close. 

He felt Donatello’s shock, felt how it turned into a mixture of various emotions before Donatello’s energy clung to him tightly. This close, he truly felt the darkness radiating from his brother. Leonardo pulled Donatello even closer, trying to shield him from it.

_Leo, oh god. Are we dead? Did I kill you?_

His devastated voice killed Leo inside, and he held him tighter.

_No, Donnie,_ Leo comforted him quickly. _I’m here to help you, like you helped me; I’m here to remind you of what’s real. That nothing’s lost, the demon’s simply making you see things. I’m so, so proud of you. You figured out how to get rid of the demon. You can fight it._

Donatello’s energy wavered in his arms. 

_I thought I could. I thought I could take it in and control it for even a small moment, long enough for Raph and Mikey to get rid of the circle, but instead I just- just hurt you so horribly-_

Leonardo was starting to realize how tasking being here was for him, realized that his short time here was starting to come to an end. If he didn’t return to his body soon, he’d never be able to return. But he also knew he couldn’t leave just yet, so he ignored the cold pull of his own body and used his remaining energy to hold Donatello’s energy close.

_I’m here. I’m still here. The demon has put you through so much, but you three have been so strong- and I need you to keep being strong, okay, Donnie? You don’t need to do it alone. Raph and Mikey are here, I’m here, Sensei’s here too._

Don nodded against him; he could feel them.

_We’re here to help you fight this._

It was starting to get difficult to keep Don in his hold. The pull was stronger now, trying to get him back to his body. Leo had a feeling that wasn’t a good sign, a warning for him to not stay.

Don must’ve felt that too, for his energy clung to him desperately.

_No, don’t go! I don’t know if I can stop it, I-_

_I’m not going anywhere, Donnie. I’m here._

Despite the way their spiritual energies held onto each other, they were being pulled apart. Leonardo could already smell the rotting leaves, feel the cold on his skin. Had he managed to do as Splinter had asked, had he managed to help Donatello at all? Were words really anything against the demon?

Maybe not just the words. Leonardo looked at the dark he saw clinging to the edge of Donatello’s energy, and with all the focus he could gather, he let go of Donatello and forced his spiritual essence to collide with the darkness.

He snapped back to his body, immediately overwhelmed by how cold he was. His wrist throbbed painfully, but all his other pains were just dull feelings. Everything was dull. He felt so, so cold- even more worn than before, if that was even possible. Like.. there was a new weight pressing down on him. Similar to the demon’s presence. Was that because he’d collided with the demon’s energy?

He could hear the wet sounds the muddy leaves made when they were stepped on, could hear voices, but felt too disconnected from everything to really follow what was going on. He heard his name being called- was that Don? He heard his own heartbeat drumming in his ears. At least it was still beating… desperately pumping blood into his veins, only for it to spill onto the dirty floor beneath him. Mikey had tried to wrap his cut wrist, but perhaps the demon had cut him too deep.

He was tired. He had done all he could. He’d been back in his body for just a moment, but already he was slipping away again. And not towards the warmth… towards something even colder.

His eyelids felt heavier by the second. If he closed them, maybe the nightmare would end.

It felt like it had already lasted an eternity, and Leonardo was tired.

* * *

“Leo, Leo…”

Michelangelo was holding his throat, still recovering from almost being choked to death. Raphael was next to him, had scrambled up as well, his eyes set on the same thing as Michelangelo’s. Donatello was kneeling next to Leonardo, brokenly calling his name.

None of the demon’s distorted voice was audible, yet they saw the way Don was still tightly holding one of the sai.

“Don…” Mikey called carefully. It was clear it was Don in control, but unclear how _much_ control he had. Mikey pushed himself up from the floor slowly, helping Raph up as well, afraid that any sudden movement would cause Don’s control to slip.

Don turned to glance at them over his shoulder, but almost immediately his eyes shut and he dropped the sai to hold his head. 

“It- it hurts- I can feel _it’s_ pain,” Don groaned through the pain he was in. “T-the chemicals- they must be w-working-”

Don was gasping like he couldn’t properly get air. He turned to look at the canister still lying near the circle.

“Pour… pour out the rest… before-”

Donatello screamed again, clawing at his own skin. Michelangelo and Raphael were frozen in place- knowing they needed to remove the rest of the paint, but they knew that doing so would just cause Donatello more pain-

“I _will_ make you _suffer._ I w-will dig your eyes out of their sockets, tear you a-apart from the inside-”

The demon was the one speaking again, but not moving, still fighting the pain the removal of the circle was causing. Raph dashed towards the canister, loathing himself as he turned it upside down over the remaining markings, dumping out the rest of the chemicals. The next thing he knew was being down on his shell again, Don straddling him, a lifted sai in his hand. The black eyes were glassy from pain, unseeing- without taking aim Don brought the sai down, missing without Raph even having to move. The sai struck the floor, jarring Don’s hand. 

“Don, I know it hurts, but- but you need to fight it!” Mikey was there, next to them. With the demon so wild from the pain, he was scared to get closer… yet did so anyway, clinging to Don’s arm, attempting to pull him away from Raph. “Donnie, please! _We need you!_ ”

Don leaned away from Raph, pressing himself against Mikey. Without any hesitation, Mikey wrapped his arms around him.

“It hurts _so bad,_ Mikey,” Don moaned against his shoulder. “It burns- _everything burns-_ ”

“It’s okay, Don, it’s okay, I’m here,” Mikey tried, hoping the words would comfort Don and the affection would keep the demon in check. He petted Don’s shell while throwing a helpless look over his shoulder at Raph. “Raph, the water…”

Raph nodded at him, scrambling up from the floor. 

“Leo, where’s… is he…” Don slurred, his voice thick from the pain. “He- he tried to push the demon away, but it’s still here, it’s still s-so strong-”

“It’s going to be fine, just breathe, Donnie,” Mikey kept comforting him. “Can you stand up?”

Raph hurried over to Leo, wincing when he saw all the blood again. Mikey had wrapped his wrist earlier, but it had already bled through. The skin on his other wrist had been pierced, but it hardly bled. Leo’s eyes were closed, he was clearly unconscious, but there was no time to properly check him. Raph positioned his hands under Leo’s arms, flinching at how cold he was. Cursing, he started to drag him out of the tunnel.

Mikey was helping Don walk after them, and once they were all out, Raph set Leo down and started to push against the heavy metal door. At first it didn’t move even an inch- but when it started to move, it made an awful grinding noise. They all cringed at it, but Raph kept pushing. Mikey left Don to sit against the nearby wall and went to help Raph push the door shut, and finally it was closed.

“It’s not over,” they heard Don mumble. “It’s not over. It’s not over-”

“Get to the valves, Mikey,” Raph breathed out, leaning heavily against the door. His arm was coated with blood, his stitches clearly open. “I’ll- I’ll take care of Don if it tries anything.”

Mikey nodded. “I’ll go- but Leo-”

“I got him. Just go.” Raph pushed himself away from the door, headed for the duffel bag that lay on the floor, no doubt to get more bandages out of there. 

Mikey turned to go find the valves. He didn’t exactly know where they were, hadn’t had the time to properly talk with Don about the valves. He’d thought he’d be the one taking the demon in, like he’d told Don, and his brother would take care of flooding the tunnel. But Don had said that the valves were nearby. Since Mikey hadn’t seen any the way they had come, he went the other way. He went running, hating to leave his brothers with the demon, but he was the only one who could turn the valves now. Raph had looked exhausted, and he probably couldn’t use his injured arm properly anymore. Which meant he wouldn’t be able to do much if the demon acted out… which made him run even faster. They were so close now. So close.

Suddenly he slipped- no, something pulled at his leg, yanking hard, making him lose his balance. He fell down plastron first, luckily not hitting his face, but air escaped from his lungs momentarily. The sudden movement made his head ache terribly; ever since the demon had thrown him against the wall, he’d carried a nasty headache. Now he lay on the wet floor, disoriented and trying to drag air into his lungs again.

When he could breathe again he lifted his head, glancing back over his shoulder. The demon was looking right at him. Don had pushed himself up from the floor, his hand outstretched towards him. Don took a step forward; the demon was coming after him, having used its powers to make him fall. Raph had stood up from next to Leo, and now grabbed Don from behind, yanking him back.

“Go, Mikey!” Raph bellowed as Don struggled in his hold. “ _Go!_ ”

It was even more difficult to leave now, knowing that the demon still had some power left, but Mikey saw the black in Don’s eyes flickering again. The demon knew things weren’t looking good for it, so it was putting up a real fight, but so was Don. Mikey forced himself to look away and scrambled back up. He broke into a sprint before the demon could try to stop him again.

“I’m sorry, Raph, I’m- I’m trying-” Don’s voice changed in the middle of his sentence. “ _Disgusting filth, I’ll tear you limb from limb-_ ”

The demon’s threats echoed after him as he ran, even as he disappeared from sight. Where were the valves? Don had said they weren’t far! 

As soon as he’d thought that, he ran past them. The hand holding his flashlight was shaking so badly he had almost missed them- his feet slid on the floor covered in muddy water when he stopped his run and turned back to the valves. He was panting even though the run had been short, his whole body shaking as he looked the valves over. They were old. Rusty. With a heavy heart Mikey realized that he’d probably need some kind of a tool to get them moving- yet he had to try. 

The first valve started to move after some work, so did the second, but the third didn’t. He put everything he had into turning it, the rust cutting into his skin, his muscles screaming from the abuse he was forcing them through, yet it wouldn’t budge. Not even an inch. It was completely rusted over.

Through everything, through all of this, Mikey had managed to hold himself together. Hadn’t broken down under all the awful shit that had been thrown at them.

But now he felt his shoulder shaking with a despair that was coming from somewhere deep within him. It was a hysterical despair. It hurt, it hurt so bad to realize that after everything, he would fail them at the last step. He stared down at his bleeding fingers.

Frustrated and done, Mikey ignored the sting and grabbed the valve again. Crying out in anger and desperation he twisted with his whole body, and fell over flat on his shell when the valve finally turned. 

Stunned, Mikey pushed himself back up and sat on the floor, staring at the valve. Then he jumped back on his feet, grabbing the wheel again and kept turning it. This time it moved with less effort, slowly, still fighting him on every twist, but he was able to turn it open all the way.

He could hear the faint rumble of water. _It had worked!_ Wasting no time he turned to return back to his brothers. Mikey ran as fast as he could, both relieved and anxious. If the demon had managed to further hurt Raph or Leo while he had been gone-

He took the last turn to his brothers, but before he could even see them, a familiar pain hit his head. But it was gone even before he could fully register it. It left him disoriented, falling down on his knees onto the dirty water. When he lifted his gaze, he could see his brothers holding their heads, in pain as well- what was happening?

The pain hit him again- and Mikey realized it was the demon trying to enter his head. But as soon as it had arrived, it was gone. He heard Raph’s grunt of pain, so the demon was now trying to enter him- but it seemed like it couldn’t get in their heads anymore, desperately bouncing from vessel to vessel. Was it that weak now that the circle was being washed away?

Leo’s groan of pain came next, and Mikey’s breath hitched in his throat. No, not Leo- even if the demon was weak, Leo had no defense against it. Nothing at all. And that seemed to be the case, for Leo jerked on the floor, his eyes now wide open and completely black, staring at the roof of the tunnel. It had managed to possess him.

“ _You……...win,_ ” the demon gurgled, Leo’s voice completely distorted and broken as the demon struggled to speak, threatening to get lost under the loud rumble of water next to them. “ _But..… at… the… ve...ry… least…... I’ll…. take…… th….is…. one….. wi……..th…. me._ ”

The scream leaving Leonardo was clear over the roar of water. Leonardo’s body tensed, his shell arching up from the floor- the wet leaves around him were lifted into the air and scattered around him, moved by the demon’s fading power. It all lasted just a few seconds before Leonardo’s eyes slid closed, the damp leaves falling down as he slumped back onto the floor.

Nobody in the tunnel moved. The water rushed and rumbled in the tunnel they had closed off. The old metal door groaned dangerously, like it was debating on giving in against the water striking against it.

Breaking out of their shock, the brothers dashed to Leonardo. Falling on their knees next to him, Donatello’s hands were immediately looking for his pulse.

“No. No, no, no, please, Leo, no-”

There was nothing but cold, bloodied skin to feel. Donatello whimpered, shifting his fingers on Leonardo’s neck, trying so hard to focus through the lingering agony in his head, trying to find even a small beat under his fingers-

Raphael grabbed his hands, gently yet hurriedly moving them aside. Donatello tried to resist before he realized how much his hands were shaking- that was why Raphael had moved them. He was only on the way.

“It’s there,” Raph breathed almost immediately upon placing his own fingers against the side of Leo’s neck. “There’s a pulse, but it’s way too weak. _Shit-_ ”

Before he had even finished, he was getting up, placing his hands under Leo’s arms again. They were all moving, helping him lift Leo- but not as fast and swiftly as they’d hoped. They were all beat. Hurt, cold, tired. Home seemed to be so far away.

Yet they all pushed through it, fighting to get Leo back to the Sewer Slider. Even with his injured arm Raph was the only one capable of driving, with Don barely able to hold himself up and the torn skin on Mikey’s hands, so with some more cursing Raph sat behind the wheel. He knew there wasn’t much, if anything, he could do for Leo right now, but he’d preferred to be back there with him.

Raph drove way too fast. They knew these tunnels, but too many times the turns Raph made were too sharp, the walls almost licking the sides of the vehicle. The Sewer Slider _did_ get some scratches, but Raph knew Don would never complain about them. Not when… when Leo was-

“ _Raph,_ ” Mikey’s desperate call of his name almost made him crash them into the next wall. “He’s- he’s slipping, I can hardly feel his pulse anymore-” 

Raph wanted nothing but to stop the vehicle and rush to his brothers. It would do nothing, but he hated to sit here, away from them when- What the fuck would they, what would _he_ do if this was it, if Leonardo didn’t make it when they were so close to the lair?

The hum of the motor drowned Mikey’s and Don’s voices as Raph pushed the Sewer Slider go as fast as it could. They were almost home.

_Don’t ya fucking dare give up now, Leo. Don’t ya dare._


	16. The way back

Light spread out through the shoji leading into Splinter’s room. Flames danced behind the paper doors, a thin trail of smoke escaping from underneath it.

Books and papers scattered on the floor burned, the fallen candles clear culprits to what had set the fire. The lair was quiet, only the fire crackling as it slowly spread.

A blanket was thrown over the small fire, extinguishing it. The room would’ve fallen into darkness, but there were still a few candles burning on the shelves, casting dim light around the old rat standing in the middle of the room.

Splinter held his head, leaning heavily onto his walking stick. He had woken up to the smell of smoke, and had thankfully managed to put out the fire before it had spread further into the room. If he hadn’t woken, the result would’ve been disastrous with so much burning material covering the floor.

Letting his hand fall from his head, Splinter tried to step towards his door. He hissed when he tried to put his weight on his left leg- it was badly sprained, if not broken. There were splatters of blood on the papers around him.

The demon had managed to surprise him. How it had managed to hide from him after he had drawn it out he didn’t know, but figuring that out was for later. The demon had pretended that Raphael had wanted to stay to talk, and once he had turned his back to his son to light more candles, it had attacked him. It had used some kind of an unnatural force to twist the bone in his leg, obviously in an attempt to stop him from escaping.

When he had tried to alert his sons, something had made his voice disappear. The demon hadn’t touched him, a simple look had taken his voice. In that moment Splinter had realized why Leonardo hadn’t asked for his help when he had met him in that corridor, covered in blood- the demon hadn’t let him, having done the same thing it was now doing to him.

Even with an unusable leg, Splinter had been able to fight. He had rolled away from the first strike of sai, only gotten a small cut, but when he had felt the demon use its power to keep him still, all he had been able to do was to glare as Raphael had walked closer, spinning the sai in his hand. Splinter had known that something like this had to be draining the demon’s powers, but with how strong it had gotten, it probably wouldn’t run out of power before it managed to sink the weapon in his flesh.

Before the demon had gotten close enough to do that, they had both sensed someone coming closer to the room. Donatello. 

The demon must’ve knocked him unconscious, for the next thing Splinter remembered was the smell of smoke. It could’ve killed him… but if it had, Donatello would’ve been able to reach the room, he would’ve seen it all. Perhaps the demon hadn’t wanted it’s cover to be blown just yet, and hadn’t taken the risk. 

Splinter had no doubt that it would be coming back to finish what it had started. It was aiming to do them all in, eventually.

The candles not knocked over had all still been burning when he had woken up, so he couldn’t have been unconscious that long. But the demon was amongst his sons again, and every moment with it there meant danger to his family.

Especially now that it had made clear how dangerous it was. Even if it was currently hiding in Raphael’s body, it would no doubt soon reveal itself to hurt his family. 

Splinter had limped out of his room, calling for his sons- dread filling him when he hadn’t received an answer. Limping forward, he just happened to notice the piece of paper on the kitchen table. A note from Donatello, telling him they had gone to the circle to destroy it.

Just then, an awful feeling had hit him. The kind he got whenever his sons were engaged in a fight far too dangerous for them, whenever one of them was in great distress or badly hurt- immediately Splinter had dropped down on his knees, hissing as he put weight on his hurt leg.

Closing his eyes he had reached out for the spirits of his sons. It had weighted his heart to feel all of them in pain- but Donatello’s distress had pulled him in. Yet just like with Leonardo, a dark force was blocking his way. He could feel his poor son’s heartbreak, but he couldn’t get through to him. 

So he had reached for the son he hadn’t been able to reach in a long time. Now, without the demon to cloud his mind, Splinter had finally been able to pull Leonardo’s spirit into his embrace. It had been worrisome how eagerly Leonardo had left his body to enter the Astral Plane, how relieved he had been to disconnect his mind from it…

He had guided Leonardo to Donatello, knowing he could help his brother, but he had done something Splinter hadn’t expected. Leonardo had pushed against the demon’s darkness with his own energy, almost breaking the already fragile connection between his spirit and his body in the process. Leonardo had been forcefully tugged away from the Astral Plane, back into his body, no doubt further damaging his spirit. 

After that, Leonardo had faded from him. 

Splinter had moved back to Donatello. The shadow of the wicked entity had been pushed aside for the moment, but his son was in great pain. He had done his best to ease his son’s suffering, to keep the demon away for time being. Despite rapidly weakening, the demon had quickly started to struggle again, fighting to remain in control. Donatello hadn’t been able to completely control it, but it hadn’t been able to hurt the turtles again. Splinter had felt Raphael’s energy near Donatello, grounding him both physically and mentally.

Splinter hadn’t had a clear image of what had happened next, but suddenly the demon had disappeared. Yet the distress of his sons remained, with Leonardo’s spirit incredibly weak, telling Splinter he would soon be needed in a different way.

His eyes had snapped open as he had exited his meditation. Ignoring the throb in his leg, the old Master had dragged himself into the sickbay, starting to prepare it for the arrival of his sons. Once everything was ready there, he limped back to the kitchen to boil some water-

And that was when he felt Leonardo slip from them. Despairing, Splinter leaned against the sink and closed his eyes.

To his relief, the spirit of his eldest wasn’t gone yet. But there wasn’t much preventing the connection between his soul and body from breaking.

He found him from the Astral Plane, his spiritual form slowly walking forward, away from his physical body.

_Leonardo, my son, didn’t I warn you about walking this far?_ Splinter asked him, fighting to keep his voice gentle despite the awful worry radiating from his very being.

That was when Splinter felt the heavy aura still surrounding the turtle. Splinter could tell that the demon itself was gone, but it’s shadow remained, still haunting his son’s mind, guiding him away into the dark. It wasn’t something he could simply reach out to and pull away from his son, no matter how much he wanted to do that. The shadow had merged itself with Leonardo’s spirit.

Leonardo’s energy was facing away from him when it stopped, but he didn’t turn to look at his Sensei.

_I didn’t mean to,_ Leonardo answered, his voice hollow. _I don’t know how to go back, Sensei._

_That is not true, my son,_ Splinter told him gently. _I am sure you can feel the way your brothers despair for you. You know your way back to them, back to your body. Don’t walk away from us; don’t let the creature control you anymore. It is gone._

Now Leonardo flinched, his energy drawing into itself. _It’s still here,_ Leonardo said, his voice pained despite the soft tone he spoke with. _The voice is gone, yet I still feel it. I still feel… I don’t know. Disconnected. Unstable. Tired…_

What his son said next made fear flash through Splinter.

_They did so much to get rid of it, yet it’s still here. I’m taking it away, Sensei, so that it can’t hurt anyone anymore._

_Leonardo, my son,_ Splinter began, nearing the turtle’s energy, forcing himself to stop a few feet from him. Leonardo’s spirit was too fragile like this; he couldn’t bring his own energy too close. _What you are doing is not taking it away; you would never leave your family behind like this. What remains of the demon’s presence is making you feel like this is the only option you have left, like it did when it made you hurt yourself. You recognize this feeling, this desperation, don’t you?_ Splinter could feel it radiating from his son. _It is trying to take you away as a final, vile action._

Leonardo’s energy flickered like he was surprised. Having his son’s attention, Splinter continued.

_All that you’re feeling is to be expected, with what the demon made you go through. It scattered your mind, and now the pieces will need to be put back together. And that is what I and your brothers are here for. We are all waiting for you, Leonardo. We are all waiting for you to return to us so we can help you heal._

_How can it be taking me away if it’s not here anymore? This is my decision- how can I return if I don’t know for sure that it’s gone? Even_ if _it’s gone, how can I return if something can just- just possess me like that? What’s stopping it from happening again?_ The turtle’s energy flickered dangerously now, like it was near to caving in on itself. _I don’t know how to face any of you- I don’t know which memories are real and which were created by the demon. I don’t know how much damage I really did. I… I don’t know how to come back._ The confession was heavy, guilt-ridden. 

_Every experience we have has a meaning. Everything that happens to us is a lesson. It won’t happen again, for this experience has strengthened you. It has hurt you in ways I would’ve never wished you, but it has made you stronger, fiercer. I promise you, my son, that you will see this- after we help you get rid of the remaining shadow, after you’ve allowed yourself to reflect and heal._

Leonardo still didn’t turn to face him, and the distance between them made the Sensei ache, yet he still didn’t move to get closer. This wasn’t something he could force; if Leonardo gave in to the remaining darkness, if he was too tired to return, he had no choice than to accept his decision. His son had suffered enough. He knew the road to recovery would be a long one, but he also knew that he and Leonardo’s brothers would be with him every step of the way. 

Splinter knew Leonardo knew that as well, so even if it made his soul ache, he stood still, letting his son make his decision. He knew he couldn’t stay for much longer- he could feel his sons getting closer to their home. Just as Leonardo’s spirit needed care, so did his body. Even if the spirit decided to return, it couldn’t do so if the body was too injured.

As Leonardo kept standing there, his energy so dim, nothing like his usual presence, Splinter sorrowfully wondered if what lingered of the demon had already dragged him too far, and his eldest had crossed the point of being able to return. He didn’t know in what condition Leonardo’s body was, but the amount of distress coming from his brothers didn’t bode well. 

When Splinter focused more on the fear instilled into Leonardo’s brothers, his fear grew. Leonardo wasn’t lost yet, but with his body so weak, it was entirely possible that the shadow dragging him here wasn’t the only reason Leonardo was here. Perhaps his spirit knew, knew that there was the possibility that he no longer had the ability to return, for his body had gone through too much abuse and suffering. The connection between his soul and body hadn’t been severed, but even so, the ability to return wasn’t guaranteed when the body was so injured.

_I can feel your brothers close. I must go help them._ Splinter hated to leave, yet he had to go to help his brothers make sure that Leonardo would still have a body to return to. The choice to return was still Leonardo’s, yet Splinter couldn’t stop the despairing Father in him from speaking, for asking his son to come home one more time. _I know the way back won’t be easy for you, I know you hurt, but we are here. We are all here, and we wait for you._

* * *

Before the Sewer Slider even completely stopped, Raphael jumped to the back of the vehicle. Words weren’t exchanged as they lifted Leonardo once more. They took him down from the vehicle carefully, but acted in a hurry. Yet every step felt too slow, the sickbay was so far away, Leonardo was too cold and still in their hold-

“My sons.” Splinter was there the moment they stepped into the lair, leaning heavily on his walking stick. His voice was both relieved and wavering. “The sickbay is ready.”

There was dried blood on the side of their Master’s head and he was holding his leg up so that it didn’t touch the floor, but seemed fine otherwise. Which was an absolute relief, but it just didn’t register at the moment, their distress for Leonardo overwhelming. 

With their Sensei, they entered the infirmary. The eldest was placed on one of the cots in the middle of the room, and immediately Donatello got to work to stabilize him. A bag of blood was set next to him once again while Raphael and Michelangelo dragged the old heart monitor Donatello had managed to repair next to the cot, and soon Leonardo’s heartbeat was visible on the screen. It was way too sluggish, in danger of completely disappearing.

With Donatello and Splinter working on Leonardo, Raphael and Michelangelo had to step away to not be on the way. To hear the monitor beeping was a comfort- even the low heartbeat was better than no heartbeat at all, yet it also constantly reminded them of the danger Leonardo was still in.

“C’mon, Mike, let’s take a look at yer hands,” Raph said, needing something to do, needing to stay in motion. If he stopped he’d just crash down. He grabbed Mikey’s arm to guide him towards another cot.

“Your stitches opened, that needs to be taken care of first,” Mikey answered, his eyes on Raph’s arm. Said arm had been throbbing awfully ever since his scrabble with the demon in the tunnel, and the pain had worsened when he had pushed the rusted door closed. On the way home Raph had managed to ignore all the aches in his body, but now they were starting to catch up to him.

This was another reason why he needed to stay moving. It wasn’t his time to rest, not yet.

“And what are ya gonna do about it with yer hands like that?” Raph asked, tilting his head. Mikey lifted his hands, looking down at them.

“The skin is just torn,” Mikey mumbled, but Raph caught the glance he threw towards Leo. He was obviously thinking about the condition Leo’s hands were in and comparing it to his own state, feeling like he couldn’t complain. And Mikey not complaining when he had the chance was always worrisome.

“Yeah, torn by something that was no doubt rusty,” Raph huffed, pushing at his shell to get him moving. “Let’s clean them up.”

Mikey gave in and sat down on the cot he was guided to. Raph was right, it wasn’t like he could do much before his hands were taken care of. Raph cleaned them in silence, both of them stealing glances towards Leo’s cot, listening to the beeps of the heart monitor.

Michelangelo had just finished restitching Raphael’s wound on his arm when they heard something fall on the floor. They turned their heads to see that Donatello had dropped whatever he had been holding in his hand, and was leaning heavily against the cot next to Leonardo’s, looking like he might fall over. Splinter was reaching for him, but with his hurt leg, he couldn’t take Donatello’s weight.

Just as Don was starting to slide towards the floor Mikey caught his arm and helped him sit down on the cot. His brothers really had to change this habit of not staying on their feet; just a few hours ago he had caught Raph from falling.

“Geez, Don, sit down before you fall down,” Mikey said, but couldn’t manage to find a light tone for his words. They came out quiet, almost as a mumble. He kept his hand on Don’s shoulder in case his brother lost his balance again. “You okay?”

“Feels like my head is gonna explode,” Don mumbled, holding his eyes closed, lifting one hand to his temple. “The ache won’t go away.”

“You were in a lot of pain while the circle was being removed,” Mikey said, sitting down next to him. Just as he did Don opened his eyes again and started to get up, but Mikey held him down. “Hey, just take it easy, I’ll get you some painkillers-”

“I still need to-”

“Donatello, please, rest.” Splinter stood between them and Leonardo’s cot. “Leonardo’s condition is stable. I will take care of the rest.”

“He needs to be monitored,” Don said, attempting to get up again, only for Mikey to still hold him down. “He’s stable, but his pulse is still weak; his vitals could still drop. I-”

“I am capable of watching after him, my son. You need rest just as he does.”

“But-”

“It is an order.”

That shut Don up, and he simply lowered his gaze to the floor. Almost immediately his eyes came back up, looking at the leg Splinter was still holding up.

“Master, your leg-” This time Mikey couldn’t hold Don down as he pushed himself up from the cot. “I saw you limping but it’s- it’s so swollen! How have you even been getting around with that?!”

Don placed one knee down on the floor to inspect Splinter’s leg. The rat didn’t protest, though his ears flattened down near his neck. Don’s touch was gentle, but the limb did hurt.

“Is- is this broken?! Sensei, you’ve been walking around with a _broken leg!_ ”

“Everything has the right time and place. There were more pressing things to do.”

“Still- you could’ve said something-”

“Well, we all know where Leo and Raph got their stubbornness and their need to hide their injuries from,” Mikey commented from the side, gaining a huff from Raph.

“Like ya and Don don’t do that. I mean, Don almost passed out just now, just cause he’s too stubborn to sit down for two minutes.”

“You’re definitely not one to talk,” Mikey said softly. 

Together they took care of the broken leg, Don making a cast for the leg, Raph holding it in place while Mikey wrapped it. Splinter remained seated afterwards, but helped his sons clean some of the wounds they had received in the sewers. They really didn’t need any infections on top of everything.

There was now a severe lack of antiseptic sprays and oils, bandages and band aids, for there were so many cuts and scrapes that had needed to be taken care of. Every wound needed to be properly cleaned, for all of them had rolled around in the dirty sewer floors. But refilling their storage came later. As his sons finally placed the remaining supplies away, Splinter had one unconscious, and three about-to-fall-asleep-on-their-feet turtles.

From past experience, the Sensei knew his sons wouldn’t leave until Leonardo’s vitals weren’t in the danger of dropping. They would most likely stay even after the danger had passed, but Splinter knew he wouldn’t have to repeat his order for them to rest. Even if the turtles wouldn’t leave, none of them would be able to stay awake for much longer. He watched in silence as they dragged chairs close to Leonardo’s bed. It didn’t take long for Michelangelo to lean against the side of the cot, his head falling down on the bed, but he kept his eyes open stubbornly, refusing to give in to sleep as long as the beeps coming from the machine nearby weren’t as regular as they should be.

They kept fighting sleep, stubbornly watching over their unconscious brother. They were too exhausted for words, not having energy for anything than their silent vigil. 

It took almost an hour before the IV drip and the blood transfusion started to show their effect. Leonardo’s vitals had been climbing up steadily, color slowly returning to his skin, yet he hadn’t woken up, hadn’t even stirred. 

“I think the worst of the danger has passed,” Donatello finally said as he watched the heart monitor, breaking the tired silence that had fallen over them. Leonardo has survived the blood loss, so he should be able to pull through. They all felt like they could finally stop holding their breaths. 

After the relieving news exhaustion was finally taking over. Michelangelo’s breaths started to even out, his head still resting on the edge of the bed. It warmed Splinter’s heart to see Michelangelo’s hand remaining on top of the blanket placed over his big brother even as he fell asleep. 

Raphael leaned against the back of his chair and stared at the floor, his posture telling that he was still fighting sleep. Yet soon his head started to droop, until his eyes finally slid closed. Splinter did notice how Raphael’s hand rested on the edge of the bed, close to Leonardo’s wrapped hand, but not touching it. Despite the relief Splinter felt for having his family finally safe, he knew there was a lot of healing to do.

Donatello had just announced that the danger had passed, yet his eyes were still glued to the heart monitor. He was clearly hurting, lifting his hand up every now and then to touch the side of his head. The painkillers his brothers had made him take hadn’t seemed to have helped yet- or maybe this was the kind of an ache that medicine simply couldn’t take away.

With some trouble, Splinter pushed himself up from his chair. Don caught the movement in the corner of his eye, and rushed to his Sensei.

“Master, your leg-”

“Hush.”

Master Splinter nodded towards the resting turtles, and Don glanced at them. A tired smile appeared on his face when he noticed they were already asleep. He turned back to his Sensei and opened his mouth to speak, but his Master beat him to it.

“Donatello, it is alright to rest now. I will remain awake, and I promise to you I will wake you up if there is any chance in your brother’s condition.”

Don lowered his gaze, well aware of just how tired he was, yet…

“It is alright.” Splinter lifted his paw to touch Don’s arm. “You are _allowed_ to rest. There’s no danger, my son. It is over.”

Wondering how Father could always sense what was going through their heads, Don nodded, swallowing with some difficulty. Why was he feeling so emotional now? Was it the exhaustion, or was it just the relief of hearing it said out loud? That it was really over?

“I know I said the danger has passed, and I know he’s exhausted, but… I just feel like Leo should’ve woken up, even if just briefly,” Don said quietly, trying to keep his voice from shaking from the sudden emotions he felt. “I feel like there’s still something I should do, I just don’t know what.”

Splinter watched Leonardo with a tinge of concern in his eyes. His thoughts kept sliding back to the Astral Plane, where the turtle had stood, facing away from him, still struggling with what the demon had left in its wake. His body was no longer in danger of giving out, so he should be able to return. Splinter knew it could take time, yet he couldn’t help worrying.

When he glanced at Donatello, he saw how his son was back to hovering by the machine. Both Michelangelo and Raphael were close to their brother, yet Donatello seemed to be keeping his distance. He was right by the bed, but he had not been touching his brother unless he had been taking care of his wounds or checking his temperature.

Reaching over to him, Splinter tugged at Don’s arm, causing the turtle to turn to him in confusion. He tugged at his arm a second time, forcing Don to sit down, then guided his hand to touch a spot on Leo’s arm not covered by bandages.

“My son, you are already doing everything you need to be doing,” Splinter said softly. “You’re here for your brother, and that is what he needs the most, right now.”

Don was staring at his own hand, which Splinter was still keeping on Leo’s arm.

“We hurt him so much,” the turtle whispered. “By not believing him at first, then letting the demon take over… I… I _slit_ his _wrist,_ Sensei, I thought I had _killed_ him-”

As he had expected, his son had been afraid to touch his brother. With a sad sigh Splinter lifted his other hand to the edge of Don’s shell.

“ _You_ did nothing, my son. That is something you all must realize, but it is no use mulling it over when you are exhausted and still hurt.” His paw slid slowly over Don’s shell. “Close your eyes, Donatello.”

Slightly confused, Donatello did as told. 

“Leonardo reached out to you in your darkest moment. He was able to connect with your spirit, was able to reach you through all your pain and suffering. Perhaps this time you could try reaching for him. He knows you’re all here for him, but it won’t hurt to remind him of that. Simply focus on your brother, like when you did when you all meditated together.”

Donatello thought back to their meditation sessions, before things hadn’t gotten so out of hand. It felt like it had already happened a lifetime ago. So much had happened since then… 

He thought further back. To the cold winter night at the farmhouse, Leo’s broken body on the couch. They’d come so close to losing him then, and they’d been so afraid. But they had been able to reach their brother, help him find his way back. They could do the same now. They had to.

Wanting to find his brother and offer him the comfort Leonardo had brought him back in the tunnel, Donatello did his best to silence his thoughts and simply focus on him. He could feel Raphael’s and Michelangelo’s energy, as well as Splinter’s, hovering right next to him. 

But Leonardo wasn’t here.

Donatello was pulled back towards his body, panickedly thinking that something had gone wrong in that brief moment he had been away from the heart monitoring machine- but Splinter’s energy pulled him back, soothing him without words. Leonardo’s energy couldn’t be felt, not because something had happened to his body, but because his spirit wasn’t here.

But that just made the panic return. What did it matter if his body was alright if his spirit wasn’t?

Sensing his fear and once more comforting him, Splinter’s energy kept guiding him again. And finally Don could feel a faint glimpse of a familiar energy. It was dim and had something that didn’t belong there- something familiar in a way that made Don’s soul crawl, but he was too desperate to reach his brother to fear it right now.

Leonardo’s energy turned to him when he approached. This was different from their meditation, different from when Leonardo had reached for him in the tunnel, for some reason Donatello couldn’t get as close as he’d liked- but he could still feel Leonardo near. He was here- he wasn’t gone, and Donatello knew his brother had felt his energy. He couldn’t reach him, but Leonardo knew they were trying; waiting for him.

A wave of exhaustion washed over the turtle, and Donatello was pulled back into his body sooner than he’d liked. But when he opened his eyes and found himself back in the sickroom, some of the ache in his head had disappeared. Complete, utter fatigue had replaced it, and Donatello had trouble keeping his eyes open.

“I couldn’t really reach him, Sensei,” Donatello said quietly once his Sensei opened his eyes as well.

“Both your body and mind are tired, Donatello. We can go to your brother again once you’ve rested. For now, he knows you’re all here.”

Finally having to give in to his exhaustion, but only because he trusted their Sensei would watch over Leonardo, Donatello nodded and sat back in his chair, allowing his mind to shut down. Splinter stayed sitting there, keeping a hand on the edge of Donatello’s shell even after he nodded off. He lifted his other hand over to Michelangelo’s shell, holding it there while the youngest quietly mumbled in his sleep. The slightly distressed mumbling disappeared for the moment. Raphael sat on the other side of the bed with a slight frown over his face, telling the rat that his sleep wasn’t completely undisturbed either. 

“As promised, we’re here, Leonardo.” Splinter spoke quietly, softly, and glanced at the other turtles again. “We’re here, but we can only heal when we are together. Come home, my son.” 

No answer was to be received. Keeping his sleeping sons close, the old rat moved his head to keep his eyes on the quietly beeping monitor.

* * *

It dragged him forward.

It felt like the dirty sewer floor again. Once again he was too tired to fight as he was being pulled forward, deeper into the darkness. Always too tired and powerless, unable to do anything to make this end. 

Yet, the end would come anyway. He didn’t know if this was a dream or the Astral Plane, but it had to be something like that for there was no pain, only the overwhelming exhaustion. He was slipping away, didn’t know where he was being taken, but he _knew_ that this would finally be the end. 

And… not the good kind. This would be the end where he gave up, where he left his brothers behind when they were waiting for him, expecting him to fight like he always did. He felt them. Constantly near, but just out of reach. He could try to reach them, but if he succeeded and managed to get back, he’d drag _this_ with him. This, the endless darkness that was still hungrily clinging to him.

_You can’t go back like this,_ it told him. It no longer told him to hurt anyone; it knew he had already done that. Now it just reminded him of it. Constantly. _You can’t face them, not after everything you did to them. They wait for you, thinking it’s all over- but how could they just forget? After fearing you for so long, you think they can just move past that? It’s not like you’re in your right mind either. You’re still unstable, haunted by the things you’ve seen and done. You admitted you don’t even know which memories are real and which aren’t- you’re broken._

_They think they want you back, but they’re going to realize that things can’t go back to the way they used to be. They’ll be wary, always on guard. They’ll always be reminded of how you hurt them. They won’t be able to look at you without fearing it’ll happen again. Do you really want to bring that on them? Do you think you could stand it, the wary looks they will give when they think you’re not looking? Do you think you’ll be able to take it when they have nightmares about everything that happened, but instead of going to you for comfort, they go to each other, whispering about the things you did to them?_

_Wouldn’t it be nicer to go like this, when they haven’t realized they’ll have to fear you from now on? When they can mourn the old, better version of you instead of despising this new you?_

It wasn’t even the demon’s distorted, belittling voice anymore. It was just hollow echoes of… of what was the truth. He was trapped here, for no matter what he chose, there was no denying how scattered he felt. No matter what he chose, he’d hurt his family. He could still feel their blood on his skin. He felt numb, apathetic. Unable to decide. Just allowing the shadow to embrace him, whisper into his ear. 

Something warm touched his arm, held it. Confused, Leonardo blinked and looked down at his arm- only to see nothing, for he was nothing but dimming energy here. How could he feel that, then?

Suddenly the feeling was more than a touch; the presence of his brothers again. Before, he had just vaguely felt all of them, but now he could feel their despair, their hurt, the feelings merging with his. He wanted to be there with them, wanted to try to make things right, wanted to try to be _whole_ again. He wanted to be there, even if they’d end up fearing or despising him- but he had allowed the shadows to grow. The choice to go back wasn’t his anymore. He wasn’t trapped because he couldn’t decide on what to do, he was trapped because he couldn’t do _anything._ He lifted his hands to tear at the shadows, but even here they were cut open, useless. He couldn’t fight the dark imprinted into his soul.

What remained of him sunk down on his knees. He caught himself with his hands, and his soul bled through his cut hands, just like the demon had wanted.

He clenched his fists, stopping the flow, stopping himself from disappearing. Why was he letting an enemy that had already lost win? 

“I can’t stay here,” Leo whispered to the shadows, feeling them press down on him in answer to him suddenly fighting back. “I need to wake up. They already got rid of you- you shouldn’t be here anymore. Why are you here?”

Cold had crept into his soul. His brothers were so far away, pulling away from him as they comforted each other, leaving him behind-

No, they weren’t leaving him. So many times he’d felt them reach out for him, but he hadn’t been able to respond. Hadn’t been able to fight through this fog. Or had he just not tried enough? Had a part of him really given up?

Taking a deep breath, Leonardo forced himself back up. The moment he did, terrible pain shot through him- which shouldn’t have been possible, this was his mind, he couldn’t feel pain here, at least not pain of this kind-

_“Stop it! Please, stop it, don’t hurt them, not anymore, please-!”_

_His voice, his pathetic, pleading voice, screaming inside his head while someone else moved his hands. It drowned under the tortured screams and howls of his brothers as he slowly, delicately cut them open._

_He kept begging, felt tears on his face, but his swords never paused, the screams never stopped-_

He shook the images away, pushed them down, locked them somewhere deep inside his mind. He didn’t want them anymore. He’d seen this so many times- he knew it wasn’t real, just one of the horrible vision’s of the demon. He _knew_ it, yet he felt so sick again, horrified by the pain caused to his brothers, horrified by his actions. No- it hadn’t been him, not his doing. These weren’t his memories, for this hadn’t happened. Just lies created by the demon. 

Yet the helpless, begging creature he kept hearing and seeing _was_ him reacting to the lies. It was him, it was him being weak before the demon, it was him being pathetic when his family suffered. It was _still_ him, he was still letting the demon, who wasn’t even here anymore, keep him away from his family.

_That’s right. You can’t go back as long as you’re like this. This part of you is torn, he can’t understand that the things you’ve seen weren’t real. He’s still reliving it all, over and over, broken by the demon. If you keep this part of yourself, he’ll bring you down. He’s going to be the part of you that’s going to keep breaking, and your brothers will constantly need to pick up the pieces. Stop being him. Leave him behind._

The voice was now… trying to _help_ him, so it wasn’t just the echoes left from the demon. It was trying to tell him how to be strong again, and he could do that, could get rid of his weakness by leaving the weak part behind. If he did, this would stop. He would stop breaking and hurting.

So he let go of that part of himself, stuffed it away alongside with the images left by the demon. As they went, the pain in his head intensified- but he noticed that the more he pushed, the weaker the shadows around him were getting. So he pushed, split himself, _tore_ that part of himself off, until he was buried with the screams and the blood, the shadows and the whispers. 

And finally, the pain lessened. Finally, it was quiet.

Now the only fear left was the fact that his brothers still remembered. That there really was a possibility that they’d fear him, but… but they had feared the demon too, but had gotten over it. If they feared him, they’d get over it, too. The demon had thought that fear would defeat them, and that’s why it had lost.

He didn’t fear the demon either, not anymore, and with that the rest of the shadows withered away. He didn’t fear being rejected by his family, either, but he was still ashamed of his weakness, still needed to apologize. Needed to go back and try to fix this, like he’d fixed his own weakness. 

Without the dark pressing down on him, he was able to cling to the warmth that had kept slipping from him for so long. 

There was a moment of wakefulness; he was too dizzy to properly be aware of his surroundings, but he knew he was lying down on a bed, managing to slowly open his eyes. He felt the hands that clung to him, heard the relieved words of his family despite not completely understanding them. As his sight focused a bit more, he saw the teary-eyed smiles.

He was overwhelmed again, but not by heavy feelings. No, he still felt exhausted, like he’d fall asleep at any moment (he had to be heavily medicated) but he felt light, relieved. He’d made it back, and there was no sign of the demon clouding his mind. There were still things to fear, things to be wary of- what exactly would he say to his brothers to fix things? How would they see him now, had the shadows whispering to him been right after all? 

And what if he hadn’t buried his shadows deep enough? What would happen if he slept, would the remaining darkness claw it’s way free, tear his mind apart again? There was no knowing, but he had managed to wake up, and he knew his family was watching over him. He could bury them again, as many times as he needed to. 

For the small moment he could stay awake, he focused on the relief and affection he felt, weakly answering their smiles before his eyes closed again. This time there were no whispers, no shadows. Nothing but long-awaited sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have this annoying habit of losing interest in my work, so I don't really have much motivation for this one anymore, but hey, we're pretty close to the end (last chapter next time!) Looks like the story is now about Leo's very "healthy" ways of fixing his problems xD But that seems to be my favorite thing to write about, I always come back to writing about Leo's weird mental places haha. Even though I'm done with this story, I do have some....... ideas....... for a sequel........ but there are also other stories I'd like to work on so we'll see. 
> 
> Again, thank you for reading, this fic turned way longer than I intended it to, so thanks for sticking around for so long!


	17. And slept

The heart monitor wasn’t beeping.

Michelangelo was half-awake when he realized it, and quickly jolted up from the chair where he had been nodding off. His eyes flew to the machine, only to find that it wasn’t where it was supposed to be. He blinked once, and slumped back into the chair, sighing deeply. Right. The machine had been taken away since it wasn’t needed any longer. He’d just gotten so used to hearing the quiet beeps, he’d become  _ dependent  _ on them, for the sounds had told him his brother was still with them. No sound would mean that his heart had-

“Mikey?”

He’d been staring at the empty spot where the machine had been, but Leonardo’s weak voice brought his attention to him. The leader had been awake for only a couple of times, and never for very long. He hadn’t spoken much yet, and when he had, he’d mostly just tried to apologize.  _ Tried, _ because he’d always been quickly hushed, told that there was nothing to apologize for.

“Hey,” Mikey smiled at him, rubbing his eyes before dragging his chair slightly closer to the bed Leo was resting on. “Good to see you awake. How are you feeling?” 

“I feel like I’ve slept for a year already,” Leo said, his voice raspy from the lack of use. “Yet I’m still tired.”

Mikey chuckled lightly. Leo’s eyes were only half open, so it probably wouldn’t be long until he fell asleep again. “It hasn’t been that long, bro, but Don says your body has a lot of catching up to do. So, it’s good you’ve been doing just that.” Mikey reached for the nearby table, grabbing a bottle of water from there. “Here.”

After Mikey helped Leo drink, the leader moved his head, looking past him. His eyes were still slightly glassy from the pain meds Don had been giving him, but he seemed lucid as his eyes searched the room.

“It’s just me here right now,” Mikey said. He glanced at the clock on the wall; he hadn’t been here for long, but had fallen asleep in his chair for a few minutes, woken up by the lack of the heart monitor’s sound. “I think Master Splinter’s asleep, Raph and Don should be in the kitchen. Do you think you could eat something?”

Leo blinked slowly at him.

“I mean, do you think you could  _ stay awake  _ long enough to eat something?” Mikey corrected himself with a small smile.

Leo closed his eyes, and Mikey fought not to sigh again. He knew Leo needed rest, but it was still disappointing when he just kept sleeping and sleeping. It was reliving to know that Leo’s wounds were healing, that he would recover, but it would still be nice to… talk with him. Make sure he was  _ really  _ recovering. 

“’m sorry,” Leo whispered, and Mikey glanced at him in surprise, having thought he’d fallen back asleep. Now he didn’t try to stop the sigh that left him.

“Leo, if you’ve forgotten all the other times you were awake and apologized, here’s a reminder; you  _ don’t  _ need to apologize,” Mikey told him, his voice soft yet firm. “ _ We _ should. We should’ve listened to you right from the start. We…  _ I _ shouldn’t have acted so foolish.” Mikey lowered his gaze. “I don’t know if you remember everything that happened, but when I let the demon possess me-”

“I remember,” Leo told him, his eyes still closed. “I remember how you fought to help me. I remember how you took the pain  _ away  _ from me.”

“Only to hurt you more,” Mikey said, biting his lip. They hadn’t really talked about everything that had happened. They had just looked over Leo and tried to catch up on lost sleep. Mikey had done his best to not think about everything that happened, so now that he talked about it out loud, the hurt came right back. He knew he shouldn’t say anything about it, not yet, this conversation shouldn’t be had when Leo was still so weak, barely awake. He should just change the subject-

“It hurt more with the demon in control,” Leo continued, cracking his eyes open. “So I know how much it hurt you. It hurt both of us and blamed you for it. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but I don’t know if I would’ve made it without you doing what you did. I… thank you, Mikey. Thank you for being so strong.”

The youngest felt his eyes burning. For so long he had felt like he had screwed up. For so long he had expected his big brother to scold him for his choices- he knew Leo wouldn’t have been angry at him, knew he would say something like this, that it was the demon who had hurt them. But he’d still feared that Leo would be  _ disappointed  _ in him, which was way worse than anger. 

Now, hearing the exact opposite made him feel silly over his fears, and slightly overwhelmed. Maybe he was getting off so easy because Leo was still medicated and sleepy, but even if that was the case, Mikey’s chest was still filled with emotion. He blinked his eyes rapidly, fighting the burn there.

“Mikey…” It must’ve been obvious how emotional he felt for Leo’s voice was so soft. “Come here.” 

Leo couldn’t reach for his brother himself, and Mikey didn’t hesitate a second to lean forward and wrap his arms around his brother the best he could. Leo leaned his head against his shoulder while Mikey held him, and for a while they didn’t say anything, just stayed close.

During the hug, Mikey felt Leo’s heart beat. It felt way better to actually feel it than just to listen to the heart monitor’s cold, monotone sound. But feeling it only made other memories rise up, and definitely didn’t help with the emotions threatening to overtake him.

“It was so scary to find you in your room,” Mikey whispered. Leo knew exactly what Mikey was talking about, the dark moment where the demon had made him point his sword towards himself. His heart ached for the pain in his brother’s voice. “And when we were coming home from the tunnel I- I really thought we’d lose you-”

“I’m so sorry,” Leo told him again. “I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I made you worry like that.”

“I told you to stop saying sorry,” Mikey huffed, pulling back slightly so that he could look Leo in the eyes. He managed a small smile. “I’m so glad it’s over.”

“Me too,” Leo said, managing a shaky smile as well. Leo’s hand twitched, telling Mikey he tried to reach for him – but even the small movement made him flinch from pain, and Mikey quickly placed a gentle hand over his arm.

“You still need some rest,” Mikey told him, trying to keep his worry out of his voice. The wound on Leo’s wrist, made by the demon in the sewers, would heal just fine. But the wounds in his palms were a bit more complicated. Don had examined them and was pretty sure that the nerves or the muscles in his hands weren’t injured, but only time would tell if there would be permanent damage. They had been badly injured, and the demon had forced Leo to use them, only causing them more damage. They all knew how devastating permanent damage to his hands would be for Leo, but since there was hope that he’d make a complete recovery they had tried to not worry too much.

Just then the door was pushed open, a surprised Donatello pausing there, like his thoughts about him had summoned him.

“Oh,” was his pleasantly surprised greeting. He clearly hadn’t expected to find Leonardo awake. Donatello held a small tray in his hands, and quickly came closer, placing the tray on a nearby table. “I brought you some food, Mikey. How are you feeling, Leo?”

Mikey smiled a little, having asked the same question not too long ago. He looked back at Leo, letting him answer for himself.

“Tired,” Leo answered, his eyes already on the bandages covering Don’s chest. Don glanced down as well, placing a hand over his chest.

“I won’t be needing these for long, if you’re worried about that,” Don reassured him, looking back up again. “Raph’s arm is doing better as well. What about your head, Mikey?”

Mikey shrugged. “Still aches a little, but it doesn’t really hurt anymore.”

“How did you get hurt, Mikey?” Leo asked, his gaze shifting to Mikey’s bandaged hands. Mikey had seen him eyeing them before, when he’d been awake for shorter periods of time, but apparently he hadn’t had the strength to ask about them for he hadn’t done so until now. Compared to Leo’s hands, Mikey barely had any gauze covering his, and he was able to fully use his hands. Grabbing things stung a little, but it was manageable.

“I don’t think you’re going to stay awake long enough to hear the whole story,” Mikey chuckled. He wasn’t in the mood to really go through everything that had happened, not yet, anyway. He’d rather hold onto the warm feeling coming from the fact that Leo was finally able to stay awake long enough to have a proper conversation.

“Tell me anyway,” Leo mumbled, starting to lose the fight against sleep.

“How about I tell you about the time I won the Battle Nexus first? It’s been a while since I told it,” Mikey joked.

“Ya do that and we’ll all be asleep in a moment,” Raph said from the door, walking in. “How is he?”

“I think you missed him by a few seconds,” Don said, watching Leo’s closed eyes. 

“Yeah, but he managed to stay awake longer than before,” Mikey said. 

To their surprise, Leo blinked his eyes back open. He shifted as if trying to move, ending up wincing as sore pain momentarily penetrated the effect of the painkillers.

“You need more rest before attempting to move,” Don told Leo softly, a gentle hand falling over his chest to keep him still. “Just go back to sleep.”

“Don’t want to,” Leo sighed. “I woke up from a dream before. Don’t want to see another.”

That made all of them alert. 

“What kind of a dream?” Don asked quietly. 

For a moment Leo stayed quiet, just staring past them. Then he spoke, “I was in the tunnel again.”

Mikey glanced at his brothers. “But… but we’ve slept as well, but I can’t remember seeing anything. We used to have nightmares when Leo was asleep, when the demon was around- but since we haven’t seen anything, it’s… not the demon, right…?” 

“We destroyed the circle.” Raph frowned. “Fucker should be gone.”

“I think it is,” Leo reassured their sudden worry. “After Master Splinter revealed it, I’ve been able to feel it’s presence. But I don’t, not anymore.” 

He had thought that the whispers he’d heard when he hadn’t been able to wake up had been the demon, still haunting him. But now he knew it hadn’t been that, it had been just him and his broken mind. It had just been easier to blame the demon for the fact that he had almost given up again. But now that weakness had been taken care of, and even though Leo wasn’t afraid he’d have trouble waking up like that again, he still didn’t want to see the tunnel in his dreams. The solution to that was to stubbornly keep his eyes open.

“This is no doubt going to haunt all of us for a time,” Don said after a small moment of silence. “I already made the mistake of doubting what you feel, Leo, so I’m not going to do it again. If at any point you feel like… there’s any chance that the demon could still be around, you can tell us, okay? We’ll look into it the moment you do.”

Leo realized  _ just  _ how guilty his brother felt for not looking for a solution sooner. “I know, Don,” he said softly. “It’s gone, but I will tell you if I feel like… it’s not.”

He hoped, wished,  _ prayed  _ it was gone for good. 

“Okay,” Don smiled, but then got serious again. “As for the dream, I think it’s obvious we’ll all have some bad dreams. Everything that happened in that tunnel… we’ll just… have to give it time.” Nightmares weren’t anything new to them, but they would probably revolve around the fear of hurting each other for a while.

Mikey slumped backwards in his chair. “Oh man, if- when- we see nightmares, how will we know that they’re  _ just  _ nightmares and not the demon still lurking around? I don’t want to do this all over again, waking up every night and wondering if the demon’s still around-”

“For a time, we will be wary.” Master Splinter startled all of them by appearing to the doorway. It seemed that everyone in the family was drawn to the sickbay. “I did not mean to eavesdrop, but I couldn’t help hearing part of your conversation.”

Raph hurried to the door to offer him some support. Splinter was still slightly struggling with walking with his injured leg, and the rat gave him a grateful look before turning his attention back to the rest of the family. “If any sign of the demon appears, we must deal with it immediately. It managed to hide in Raphael even after I revealed it. Do not hide any hurt from each other; we have learned that togetherness is the best way to fight this, and I believe you four can handle that better than anyone.”

Mikey stood up from his chair, offering it to their Sensei. The rat was walking closer with Raph’s aid, but shook his head, declining the offer to sit down. “I am just passing by to make some tea. But I have this to say; the bond you share is what helped you overcome this. The information Donatello found was, of course, crucial to getting rid of the dark creature, but I doubt you would have made it this far without the connection you have. I am proud of all of you.” There was a smile on the old rat’s face while he spoke. He was now close enough to Leo’s bed to place a careful hand on his arm.

“I am relieved to see you awake.” Emotion flashed in the Sensei’s eyes, but he quickly took control over them. “Yet you should not be afraid of sleep. You will only feed your fears and slow down your recovery if you fight the rest you need.”

Master Splinter placed his hand back over his walking stick. “This goes for all of you. Leonardo did the right thing by mentioning he’d had a bad dream- if any of you do have those, you should talk about them. That is the way to get rid of them, to find out if they’re just nightmares, or if the demon has still got something to do with it.”

The turtles simply nodded. It was easier said than done to talk about the dreams… but it sounded like the best way to go forward.

“Now then. I think some warm tea would do good for all of you.”

Raphael helped him back to the door, but Splinter made it known that he could reach the kitchen on his own. Raphael allowed him to go, and returned back to his brothers. 

Leonardo could tell that his brother’s had slept (or more likely  _ crashed  _ down after they couldn’t stay awake any longer) but not enough. It made him feel guilty, for they had no doubt stayed up because of him and his injuries. He felt the hesitancy that lingered in the room; he clearly wasn’t the only one afraid to sleep. No one wanted to see the nightmares again. Yet Leonardo had already fought sleep for longer than he thought he could’ve, and it was really hitting him now, making him sink into the pillows behind him. 

Half awake, he thought about all the times he’d stayed in his room after waking up to the crushing nightmares, when all of this had begun. He’d been both relieved and uncomfortable every time one of his brothers had come to him after they’d been woken up by their dreams. Relieved because when they came to his room, he hadn’t been alone. Uncomfortable because he had wanted to stay away from them after the things he had done to them in the dreams. 

Now he wanted nothing but their forgiveness for the way he had acted. For the demon making him turn his blade to them wasn’t the only way he’d hurt them; he’d hurt them by being stubborn and keeping to himself. Maybe things wouldn’t have escalated so badly if he had talked to them instead of feared and loathed himself. He wanted to be comfortable in their presence again, not afraid he’d hurt them. And he wanted them to be comfortable with him, not thinking he was going to push them away again.

“Please stay,” he mumbled, even though his brothers had made no sign of leaving the room. He blamed his sleepiness for the words coming out so pleading, though he didn’t really care how he sounded. He even forced his left hand up- it ached and he couldn’t really move his fingers, yet he tried to reach the closest brother. His hand was only halfway in the air before it was grabbed and gently lowered back down, but someone held it where it wasn’t covered by bandages.

“We’re not going anywhere, bro,” Mikey told him softly. “You don’t even have to ask that!”

“But I want to,” Leo mumbled, his eyes already closed. He wanted to be the one asking for their company, for there had been so many times when he hadn’t even when he should’ve. “Should’ve… done it a long time ago. Tried to… stay away. Shouldn’t have...”

There was a beat of silence, and then he both heard and felt his brothers coming closer to his bed, shuffling around as they made themselves comfortable around him. Leo cracked open one eye just to make sure his brothers really were staying. He didn’t need his sight to know they were there, but it was still nice to look at them without the demon whispering in his ear about all the ways he was going to hurt them.

“It’s understandable that you didn’t reach out to us before,” Don told him quietly. His chair had been pulled right next to the bed. “Considering what the demon made you see and do in your dreams.”

“I hate that it was always hidin’ in one of us,” Raph mumbled. “I would’ve wanted it to  _ suffer  _ for everything it did.”

“It  _ did  _ suffer,” Don said, the look in his eyes distant for a brief moment. It had been in pain while possessing Don, and he had felt everything. Raph placed a hand on his arm, and Don blinked, turning his head to give him a brief smile, signaling to him that he was okay.

“I’ll just be happy if we can get some actual sleep,” Mikey said with a yawn. His upper body rested on Leo’s bed, and he placed his head down near Leo’s, nuzzling against his shoulder. He had slept after their return from the circle, but not much, and it had been restless sleep. The exhaustion was still there. “I hope I’m too tired to see  _ any  _ dreams, like I’ve been so far.”

Don got up to place a spare blanket over Mikey. He retrieved another and tossed it to Raph, then got one for himself and sat back down. When he looked at his brothers again, Mikey was already asleep, both Leo and Raph looking at him with a rarely open display of affection.

“I’m with Mikey. I hope we can finally get proper rest,” Don said quietly so that he wouldn’t wake the youngest. He rubbed his temples, sighing. “I’m beat.”

“Does it still hurt, Don?” Leo asked, watching his brother with some worry. Don lowered his hand and smiled at him reassuringly.

“Not really. I think the lack of sleep is the main culprit for my headache.”

“Then sleep,” Raph huffed, and Don didn’t protest. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, his fingers lightly curled around Leo’s wrist.

It didn’t take long for Don to be breathing slowly and evenly. The youngest brothers really had been exhausted, and Leo felt bad for them, but relieved that they were finally resting.

“I guess the tea will have to wait,” Leo said quietly, smiling. So would the tray of food Don had brought with him. “They’re going to be sore when they wake up, though. They don’t exactly have the most comfortable sleeping positions.”

Raph only hummed in answer and pulled Leo’s blanket up so that it properly covered him. The leader turned to look at him with curious and tired eyes. Raph was avoiding looking at him, simply holding the edge of his blanket. He had something to say, and Leo had a feeling he knew what it was, but he was slipping towards sleep as well.

“Leo, I…” Raph started… and ended. He didn’t continue, just stared down at his hands. 

“Raph, it’s okay,” Leo said softly. “I… I know you want to ask me for forgiveness, but there’s nothing to forgive. I’m  _ serious, _ Raph, don’t blame yourself. For anything.” Leo gave him his best  _ I’m-your-leader-do-as-I-say _ look. It definitely wasn’t his best, not when he was heavily medicated and half-asleep, but he tried. “As for me…  _ I _ hope  _ you _ can forgive me, but I know that if I’ll ask for it now, when I’m… like this, barely here and still... hurt, you’ll give it to me. I don’t want to ask for it yet, only when- if- you’re sure you can forgive me.”

Raph stared at him, then gave a disbelieving laugh. “For  _ what, _ Leo? I’m the one that didn’t believe ya, I hurt ya and then I even- just let the demon in and hurt Mikey and Don too-”

“I’m the one that brought the thing in the lair in the first place-”

“C’mon, that’ stupid, that could’ve been any of us-”

“I failed you, all of you. You, most of all, for I had to treat you so awfully just to- just to not hurt you-” Maybe it was the exhaustion, or just the aftermath of everything, but suddenly Leo just felt awful instead of sleepy. There had been so much hurt and fear, and there hadn’t really been time to process any of that. This certainly wasn’t a time for it either, yet now the fear was present again, the fear that this still wasn’t over, that some of the things the demon had told him had been more than simple whispers, half-truths about himself, and as soon as his brothers were asleep he’d get his swords again and- 

“I never meant the things I said to you,” Leo said miserably. “I didn’t. But it was just- so violent, the thoughts in my head, the things I kept seeing- y-you know I would  _ never  _ want to hurt you, don’t you? Raph, you  _ know  _ that, right?”

The look on Leo’s face turned almost pleading- he was scared to see even a flicker of doubt on Raph’s face, revealing that he had been right to fear the things the demon had said about him.

“Leo.” Raph’s hand was on the side of his head- holding him so that he could look him in the eyes. “ _ Stop _ that. I know ya wouldn’t- we all do, that’s why it took so long for us to realize there was something seriously wrong. Because we just… couldn’t believe ya would hurt us. It’s what I kept repeating to make ya snap out of it.” 

Distantly, Leo remembered that. He remembered how much it had hurt to hear his brothers tell him that  _ this wasn’t him  _ while his thoughts had been nothing but violence, and he hadn’t had a way to make them believe it. He had  _ attacked  _ them to try to make them believe. Now he could see how crazy that had been to them. He wasn’t sure how he would’ve reacted if the situation had been reversed, if one of his brothers had claimed they were trying to hurt the rest.

“Ya didn’t fail us, ya protected us from the demon by fighting it. We wouldn’t be here if ya had allowed it to do whatever it wanted. Ya were fighting, even when ya weren’t sure what it was that ya fought. Ya suffered for it, and… I’m sorry I just got mad instead of… ya know. Findin’ a way to help ya.”

Raph stopped himself from continuing; there was so much more he could’ve apologized for. It was clear they both blamed themselves, and right now the hurt was still too fresh. They were too tired for this. So, when he stared into Leo’s eyes, he didn’t allow more guilt to creep in just because he was constantly reminded that Leo’s cracked lip and black eye were his making. He didn’t let the guilt in, because even if he couldn’t forgive himself, he saw no blame in Leo’s eyes. Only the same despair about having failed his family that he felt as well.

“I’m just…” Raph was good at fighting, but he’d never been good at fighting his emotions. So he had to take a moment before continuing, as he remembered Leo’s bloody room after they had picked the lock. “Just- so glad you fought it. I don’t know what we would’ve done if-”

Maybe his voice wavered, maybe his eyes misted. Maybe Leo had managed to wrap an arm around him, still unable to use his hands, but able to hold him close anyway. Maybe he buried his face against Leo’s shoulder and allowed him to hold him.

“Thank you for helping me fight it,” Leo whispered. He did his best to use his numb fingers to hold Don’s hand, pressing his cheek against the top of Mikey’s head, aiming his words to all three of his brothers. “Thank you for bringing me back.” With his other arm he held Raph close. 

Only when the room was silent, Master Splinter slipped back into the room. He hadn’t listened to their conversation, knowing it was something private, but he had known that sleep would soon claim his sons. He didn’t know what had been said, but he knew that balance was on it’s way to return between his sons. 

Setting Raphael’s blanket properly over him the tired Father took a moment to watch over them, relishing the fact they were all safe. He set a small night-lamp on the nearby table before limping back to the door, shutting off the rest of the lights.

* * *

“No sign of infection.” 

Donatello was holding his hand, carefully inspecting the healing wound in his palm. He let go of him and offered him a soft stress ball; this was familiar to Leonardo by now. They did this every time they changed the bandages, tested Leonardo’s fingers to see that they worked properly, to see if there was still pain.

And there was, but Leonardo was careful to not let it show when he slowly squeezed the gel ball. His hands had been numb for quite a while; he had struggled with the possibility that they might not heal. But slowly his fingers had started working again, and he willingly took the pain if it meant he could just use them.

“I can move my fingers just fine,” Leo told Don, because he would soon ask anyway. “Just like yesterday.”

He could move them, but couldn’t hold anything much heavier than the item in his hand right now. All the heavier items he’d tried to lift had painfully pressed against his palms, and he’d ended up dropping them. 

So, in order to get better, he patiently endured these sessions. He knew these were needed to make sure he really was healing properly. He definitely didn’t want to risk compromising the use of his hands (any more than he already had by grabbing various heavier items to test his hands.) He’d had enough of a scare when he had woken up properly, discovering he barely even felt his hands. 

They had gotten much better since then, and even though he rather took the pain than the numbness, he was still looking forward to healing, for these sessions to be over. Don took the ball away from him and Leo held his breath as Don took his hand again, carefully touching the palm around the wound.

“Do you feel this?” Don asked, like he always did. He was just making sure Leo hadn’t lost any feeling in his hands again, but any touch near the wounds always hurt the worst. Every time it reminded him that if Don’s gentle probing hurt him, then holding his swords would obviously hurt a lot more.

Not like he had been in any rush to wield them. He’d seen them in the dojo the first time he’d felt well enough to do some light katas. Someone had cleaned them of all the blood, he hadn’t dared to ask who, and taken them in the dojo to wait for him. Even if he couldn’t use them he would’ve normally carried them on his back anyway, just in case. He’d been out of the sickbay for a few days already, but now he hadn’t even brought them into his room. 

Leonardo flinched when Donatello’s thumb graced too close to the wound.

“Denying that it hurts won’t make you heal faster,” Donatello told him softly. “But I’m not going to scold you, since I haven’t seen you trying to hold your swords. It’s still too soon for that.”

Leonardo simply nodded, watching as Donatello grabbed a new roll of gauze and started to rewrap his hand.

“...You haven’t tried to wield them, right?” 

He had. With a shaky hand he had picked up one sword- only to drop it back down when it had made both his hand and soul burn with pain. 

He had left the dojo and completed the katas in his room, where the pair of katanas hadn’t been in his sight. He felt so torn- he  _ loved  _ his swords, they were a part of him – but what kind of a part? Were they the part of him that protected or just tore at everything around him?

“I haven’t used them, Don,” Leo told him quietly. Don nodded while putting the medical items away.

“Why not? I mean, it’s a  _ good  _ thing that you haven’t, but usually you would’ve at least taken them to your room.”

Leonardo flexed his fingers, trying to not flinch when the movement pulled at the wounded palm. He frowned down at the hand. “Just didn’t feel like it yet.”

“Leo…”

“I just- just need time.”

Don nodded again. Leo was still looking down, staring past his hands now, so he was slightly surprised when Don touched his hand again. 

“When you were still unconscious, I was afraid to touch your hands,” Don admitted quietly. “I know it was the demon that made me hurt you- you guys have told me that enough times- but I couldn’t stop fearing that I’d suddenly tear your bandages open and hurt you again.” Don’s thumb grazed the side of his bandaged wrist; there was a distant look in Don’s eyes.

Leo placed a hand over his and did his best to work his fingers to gently squeeze Don’s hand. The genius lifted his gaze and smiled. “But it didn’t happen, and I’m not scared of that anymore. So, if you’re feeling anything similar when you look at your swords, it’ll pass, Leo. Just give it time.”

“I’m sorry it took me so long to wake up,” Leo mumbled, still hating that he had caused his family so much distress. Imagining Don struggling with thoughts like that… Raph and Mikey had no doubt been there to look after him, they had all been there to look for each other. But it still didn’t stop Leo from wishing that he could’ve pushed himself to wake up sooner, to ease even some of their worry. But instead he’d stayed there, struggling with the pieces of his own mind-

“Don’t be sorry for something like that,” Don chided him lightly. “You’re here now and that’s what matters. Just let yourself heal. Both your hands…” Don reached up with his free hand, touching the side of Leo’s head. “...And the thoughts here. You can talk to any of us, anytime.”

Leo nodded, feeling slightly self-conscious by all the care he was receiving. “I know, and if I need to, I will. Thank you, Donnie. Really.”

Still smiling, Don pulled away and closed the lid of the box containing the gauze. Leo stood up to leave, but before he could, Don grabbed his hand again. 

“Forgot something?” Don asked lightly. 

Sighing, Leo turned back to grab the stress ball. “I’m still doubtful that this actually helps.”

“It does, trust me. Just hold it every now and then, but not if it hurts. The wounds still need to heal.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll just have to do it when Mikey’s not around, or he’ll make stupid jokes about holding balls again.”

Don’s chuckle followed him when he exited the lab. He’d really missed this lighter atmosphere, glad to have it back.

* * *

Once again, Leonardo caught Raphael watching the news. When he entered the room, the channel was changed with Raphael saying there was nothing worth seeing.

But Leonardo was neither blind nor deaf. He’d heard enough to know that the streets above were restless with gang activity on the rise. They hadn’t been topside in a while, and their enemies had noticed their absence, taking full advantage of it.

His brothers no longer wore bandages over their wounds. The soon-scarring wounds were still visible, and they still took it easy when they trained. Leonardo had learned to not blame himself every time he saw them, yet he still felt a tinge of guilt sometimes. 

It was clear that his brothers had rested for long enough and were eager to get out of the lair, having been cooped up in here for a while. Don was eager to go scavenging for new parts, Mikey had too much energy (which meant too many pranks), Raph was getting grumpy. They were ready to return to the streets, to get back to patrolling and fighting crime, or even just to get some fresh air.

But they couldn’t. Leonardo still couldn’t hold his swords. His hands were still too weak, despite the regular therapy Donatello made him go through. And if Leonardo couldn’t hold his weapons, going topside was out of question.

So Raphael changed the channel so that he wouldn’t know how badly they were needed up there. But Leonardo knew- and did what he had to do.

He went to the dojo and forced himself to grab his swords. The hilts burned his hands, dug into his stitched palms… but he was able to hold them. For a moment, at least- his hands were already shaking from the effort and the pain, yet he held them stubbornly… while also holding his breath. He waited for the violent images to fill his mind, for the need to sink the swords into something… but they didn’t come. 

He wondered why he had been avoiding this. The demon was gone. These were  _ his  _ swords. He was in control, and the pain in his hands barely mattered. It’d go away. He’d train the pain out of them, and everything would go back to normal. He wanted to get out of the lair as well, wanted things to go back to the way they were.

He held his swords for another moment before strapping them against his shell. When he left the dojo, his family had gathered in the kitchen. He felt the relief washing over them when they saw him with his weapons. They had worried when he had ignored his beloved swords for so long; worried that his hands weren’t healing the way they should, worrying that  _ he  _ wasn’t healing. Now they knew he was.

Of course both Donatello and Splinter scolded him, told him he had to take it easy with his hands, but it was half-hearted. They didn’t know just how badly the hilts of his swords had dug into his palms, they didn’t know he hadn’t been able to hold them for longer than a short moment, they didn’t know his hands were pressed so tightly against his sides to hide the way they shook. But Leonardo knew it wouldn’t be long until it’d go away. He’d pushed through worse pains.

Tomorrow he’d start trying to use the swords again. For tonight… 

Some nights they still pulled their blankets and pillows out of their beds and gathered to sleep together, even if there had been no nightmares. Some nights they just wanted the comfort and the reassurance that it was really all left behind, that they were all here and safe. 

This was one of those nights. So, for tonight, Leonardo curled up next to his brothers. He ignored the way his hands ached, ignored the way he felt when he stared at the swords left near the bed.

Then he turned away from them, pressed his head against a familiar shell and slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! (For now, there will be a sequel, and it will be quite different, dealing more with the emotional aftermath of everything that happened. I'm not sure when I'll be able to work on it, but I hope it'll be soon.) I have over 20K words of scrapped and renewed scenes for this in another document, I need to stop over-editing my work :D
> 
> Thank you soo much to everyone who reviewed, I probably would’ve given up on this and just started something new like I always do if you hadn’t! I apologize for my slow writing, life has been busy, so a big thank you to everyone who stayed until the end! <3 I’m trying to be more active on my tumblr, so if anyone ever wants to chat, find me at pebr-writes.tumblr.com. 
> 
> Thank you again for reading, take care, and hopefully I'll see you in the next story!


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